Saturday, August 30, 2003

Like Common Tourists

Today la and I are going to the famed, tourist trapping Riverwalk. I may even wear a Hawaiian shirt and talk in a Wisconsin accent.

Friday, August 29, 2003

Ahhh, the Weekend!

Finally, summer is about to end. I love Labor Day weekend because it signifies cooler weather ahead, and getting back to wearing suede shoes, of course.
I won't be Blogging much the next few days because la is spending the weekend here with me (joint custody: a good thing).
Being the activities director, I have planned a busy holiday: Sleep. Eat. Hot monkey love. Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.
My girlfriend's completely exhausted from the back to school grind. Between her own kids and her classroom full of emotionally disturbed students, la's got a tic in her eye and she smells like Crayolas. She needs some grown-up time. So do I.
The best news is, Willie the Taskmaster is closing his gym for the weekend so I get Saturday off. Guess I'll just have to bench press la instead. :D
What are your plans for the weekend?

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

One More Nail in the Presidential Reelection Coffin

Associated Press:
"WASHINGTON (Aug. 27) - The Bush administration on Wednesday made it easier for thousands of older power plants, refineries and factories to avoid having to install costly clean air controls when they replace aging equipment.
In a major revision to its air pollution rules, the Environmental Protection Agency will allow up to 20 percent of the costs of replacing each plant's production system to be considered "routine maintenance'' not requiring expensive anti-pollution controls, according to agency documents and interviews with EPA officials..."

Oh, good. More pollution!
There's no end to what this administration has done for us common folks.
I wonder how his apologists will spin this? "It's good for business"?
The man is a maniac.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

A Fast War?
Like I Said Before the War:

From the Associated Press:
"...the number of American troops killed in postwar Iraq surpassed the toll of those killed in major combat, reaching 140 with the deaths of a soldier in a roadside bombing and another in a traffic accident.
When President Bush declared an end to major combat on May 1, the U.S. death toll stood at 138. Since then, 140 more soldiers have died, counting both deaths announced Tuesday. The total number of U.S. soldiers killed since the Iraq war began on March 20 is 278."

How many more Americans deaths will that pinhead in the Oval Office allow before he realizes he got us in over our heads in Iraq and he squandered far too many American lives in the process?
I see absolutely no gain from the Iraqi war, and even less postwar.
Bush is spending more than $5 billion of our tax dollars per month in Iraq, and for what?
Do we feel safer?
Is it helping the economy?
Is peace spreading over the Middle East?
Where's Saddam? Where's Bin Laden?
Does anyone in their right mind still think Bush knows what he's doing?
Mary Poppins, My Ass

My best friend Anna and her husband Brad are the most charitable, humanitarian people I know. A huge percentage of their income and Anna's professional time are given away annually to Ethiopian organizations so their citizens can have better lives.
When Anna and Brad wanted a child, they could have gone to any top level adoption agency and easily qualified for a healthy American infant.
Instead, they went through a mountain of red tape and traveled to Romania to adopt Andrei, who spent his first year in a bleak orphanage crib with no clothes or toys, minimal nutrition and scant nurturing care. They probably spent close to $50,000 to give this Romanian baby a better life and a real future.
Even today, they are providing Andrei with everything he needs to compensate for his abysmal start in life, including speech pathology, special tutoring and psychological treatment for his developmental shortcomings.
Andrei even has a new nanny, recently hired when his first nanny left to further pursue her education.
Nancy is the new nanny's name.
We were all a little hinky about Nancy at first because, although she had good references and presented herself well, there was something about her that seemed a little off.
She didn't make much eye contact and her adult conversation seemed like she was just telling people what they wanted to hear. She was a Yes Man, but we sensed perhaps some veiled hostility and resentment behind her passive smile.
But she was good with Andrei and he liked her, so Brad and Anna gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Yesterday, Anna's bank called and told her Nancy had been passing herself off as Anna and sucking her checking account dry for the last couple of months.
Nancy called Anna last night with a dramatic confession, a sob story and a plea for a second chance. Nancy couldn't even remember exactly how much money she'd embezzled, but we know it was in the thousands. Anna listened to her calmly without much reaction.
Then Nancy had her 17-year-old son call Anna and beg her not to press charges against his mother. Can you imagine a mother compelling her child to make such a call?
Even now, Anna and Brad are considering whether to press charges.
Yes, a common criminal conned them into trusting her with their child while she ripped them off on a weekly basis, and they are considering what to do.
I can appreciate Anna and Brad's spirituality and their willingness to forgive.
But I want Nancy to be thrown in prison for what she did. I want justice for my friends.
Once I know she's behind bars with all the other criminals and con artists, I'll be just as forgiving as they are.
He Can't Even Give Texans Affordable Gasoline

Well, gas prices have now risen faster than they have in the last 50 years.
Back when Jimmy Carter was president, we endured some really high gas prices.
I remember flipping when I saw the gas station sign read 79.9¢ per gallon of regular unleaded.
Jimmy took the blame.
Outrageous gas prices really helped his opponents make a case for his inability to juggle the economy in a consumer friendly manner.
With current record breaking gas prices, the GOP machine has already started pointing fingers at the blackout and some leaky pipes in New Mexico or Arizona or some God forsaken place for causing prices to go through the roof.
I say bullshit.
Jimmy Carter tried to get us to face the truth about our debts spinning out of control. His Spartan economic policies scared people and the economy suffered.
As a result, he was not reelected and some still consider him one of the most miserable mismanagers of the economy in presidential history.
Well, guess what?
When the economy starts to get really screwed up like the current economy is, the incumbent president usually ends up getting tossed out on his ass.
When I fill the tank of my energy efficient car for $27 and it cost only $17 a few months ago, someone's got to take the blame.
We don't care if a blackout or a leaky pipe in Arizona caused gas prices to rise.
When we Texans have to carefully consider exercising our inalienable, fundamental rights to take long roadtrips because of soaring gas prices, something is terribly wrong.
All we know is, it happened on Dubya's watch and like Carter, that no-account, clueless, inflation causing sumbitch has got to go.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Fox News...They're at it Again

Those nitwits at Fox News unsuccessfully sued comic/pundit/commentator/author Al Franken for using their so-called trademarked term, "fair and balanced" in his newly published book, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them."
Anyone enrolled in first semester reporting classes in high school is taught that news stories must be fair and balanced.
Fair and balanced is a cornerstone of responsible journalism. It is a common phrase to the industry.
For Fox News to even use that term is a joke. For them to sue someone else for using it is a laughingstock.
To show the Fox New bigwigs' stupidity in this frivolous lawsuit, Franken's book has soared to the top of the best seller list after an inauspicious release (before the lawsuit).
Using their logic, the farmers who grow Delicious apples should sue any food company that claims their product is delicious. After all, they own the word, don't they?

Friday, August 22, 2003

The Willie Report

I am about a month into my personal training with Willie.
Yesterday, he upped the weight amounts I am lifting, increased the reps and shortened the rest time between machines.
In other words, the man is trying to kill me.
The good news is, he said my calves and forearms were finally where they needed to be.
The bad news is, that leaves my thighs, lower abs, upper abs, pectorals, serratus anterior, external oblique, linea alba, biceps, triceps, glutes, deltoids, trapezium, latisimus dorsi and infraspinitus to work on.
That translates as: everything from below my neck down to my knees still needs work, except for my forearms.
I can't really use a scale to gauge my progress. Muscle weighs more than fat, so the only way I can accurately track progress is by the way my clothes fit.
I went out and bought some new workout clothes, including one of those cute little T-shirts that says XL on the label but it's actually XS. I look like 40 pounds of sausage stuffed into a 20 pound casing when I wear it.
I also bought one of those damned reinforced camisoles, which I discovered is easier to put on if I step into it like it's a pair of shorts and just pull it up from there.
I have learned Willie is like a crow. If I wear clothing that is too bright or too tight, he spots it and works me a lot harder.
Tomorrow I am wearing a black burqa and opaque harem pants. But I am letting my calves and forearms show.
Sponge Bob Square Pants Redux

Last night Melly
my Minister of Culture, brought over the coveted episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants where Sandy Cheeks the squirrel gets homesick for Texas and they throw her a theme party.
Her accent is from Dallas, aka Southern Oklahoma, otherwise she seems to be a proper Texas girl.
Bob's sidekick Patrick the starfish is a little dim. His octopus friend, whose name I didn't catch, is no genius either.
I could tell Melly had seen this episode a few times.
Karen Zipdrive: Melly, this is pretty funny.
Melly: I'm tired.
KZ: Drink your coffee.
Melly: I'm too tired to lift the cup.
KZ: Why are you so tired? It's only 9 o'clock!
Melly: Huh?
KZ: Do you need to go home?
Melly: I'm really tired.
KZ: Are you too tired to drive?
Melly: Huh?
KZ: Are you too ti...
Melly: On the way here I was thinking, a 24-year-old going to visit her 50-year-old friend to watch a Sponge Bob Square Pants video.
KZ: Kind of bodes well for your own future, eh?
Melly: I'm tired.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

I Love You

When I was little, my parents and siblings and I were all very affectionate with one another but nobody ever said, "I love you."
I didn't really have that phrase directed toward me until I started sleeping with my first girlfriend as a young teen.
As a result, I am geared only to say that to lovers, but I can see I need to catch up with the rest of the 'I love you' set.
At least twice a day, I hear someone tell me they love me. I like it!
My girlfriend loves me and tells me so about four times a day. My friends Anna, Melly, Charlie, Robert and my sister I don't get along with tell me they love me all the time. Even my Mom is doing that now.
I often reply with glib things like 'ditto' or 'right back atcha' because it's just hard for me to say those words, unless it's to my girlfriend. I tell her that all the damn time.
But I thought about it, and I actually do love a lot of people. So, I am going to try to catch up and just say it back. Or hell, maybe I'll start saying it first.
The Smoking Gun on Court TV

Saw it, kind of liked it, but can someone tell me how a shlub like Mo Rocca made it as a TV host? I hope for his sake he's gay, otherwise those eyeglasses were a waste of money. And he could wash his hair before he goes in front of the camera, I mean honestly, what must his mother think?
When are Survivor and Six Feet Under coming back?
TV is getting down to stems and seeds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

New Cartoon Ideas

Okay, if Sponge Bob Square Pants can make it, I have some new cartoon ideas.
• Tammy the Tampon
She gives young girls advice on romance and sex. Her costars are Robby the Rubber and the evil Queen Chlamydia.
• Gumdrop.
This character spends all his time trying to avoid kids and ants. He has Gummi Bear relatives in Germany, including Tante Ursala.
• Internut.
This is a kid who stays online all the time and says LOL in person instead of laughing.
His parents only communicate with him by e-mail. He looks like this :o)
• Spotty the Paintspot.
He's always getting himself into trouble, dripping on clothes, furniture, shoes, etc. His enemies are Polly Paper Towel and Ralph Razor Blade.
Ad Nausea

I watch TNT a lot. I can't get enough Law & Order reruns.
They've been playing one ad about every 10 minutes, for a Mitsubishi SUV with a DVD player in back for the kids.
Cue in: heavy guitar with pounding beat
Fade in: "Whooo lives in a pineapple deep in the sea? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!"
That fucking song is driving me crazy.
Is this what we've come to? Our kids are idolizing a sponge?
In my day it was Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig and Deputy Dog.
Now it's a sponge.
Named Bob.
Heaven help us.

Monday, August 18, 2003

House Cats

My girlfriend got her kids two baby kittens this summer. She told me they would be indoor/outdoor cats, because she doesn't like litter boxes.
I argued the case for making them indoor cats. They stay alive longer, have fewer fleas and avoid cat fights with evil neighbor cats.
She held her hands over her ears.
So Oreo, the black and white male, now goes outside and plays.
Then he comes inside and runs to the litter box and takes a nice kitty crap.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Red Apple Day

My girlfriend's a teacher and school starts Monday morning.
When I was little, I used to think teachers couldn't wait to get back from summer vacation because they loved to get their mitts on us and force us to learn new things.
I have since found out they like their summer vacations too and dread returning to their classrooms as much as we did when we were little.
They also have first names, they wear shorts and T-shirts, and they swear a lot when there are no kids around.
I have to admit, my first lesbian twitchings were over my kindergarten teacher, Miss Saunders, and my first grade teacher, Miss Thompson.
Miss Thompson had the edge, because Miss Saunders, while pretty, had halitosis which I found unsettling even as a 5-year-old.
Miss Thompson was a total babe, she was into art and had amazing legs.
Alas, mid semester she married some MAN and it blew our chances for a happy life together. I got over it pretty well, I guess, but I am still a little resentful.
And now, 44 years later, I'm still hot for teacher.
Luckily, teacher's hot for me this time. And she's got much better legs than Miss Thompson.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Attorney General John Ashcroft: Why We Don't Like You Haiku

Blacks, gays, gals and Jews
We have a God, it ain't you
Jesus told me so

Assembly of God
The church that spawned John Ashcroft
Don't they handle snakes?

Asian religions
Make John Ashcroft quite nervous
"Choose Jesus or die"

If you kiss a lot
Before hetero marriage
That's a sin to John

Bare breasts are sinful
Even if they're made of bronze
And just size B cups

Church, state, separate
Except for John Ashcroft's view
He likes to mix them

So religious, John
When he gets really horny
Says, "I have risen."

Tough on terrorists!
That's what John says he's about
Where's Bin Laden, John?

Goofy terrorist named
Zacharius Moussaoui?
Still not convicted

The Constitution
Far too liberal for John
Old Testament? Yeah!
They Don't Make Dictators Like They Used To

With all these panty waist dictators we have around the world today like Saddam, Khadaffi, Castro and Dubya, the world lost a first class dic today.
Idi Amin from Uganda died today in exile in Saudi oh sure they're our allies Arabia.
For those who don't remember Idi, or Dada as he liked to be called, he overthrew then-Ugandan President Milton Obote in 1971, while Obote was on vacation.
Dada declared himself President for life, then he awarded himself a chest full of medals and started in to work.
What followed was an 8-year reign of terror that included up to 500,000 random murders, playing footsie with Palestinian terrorists, challenging other African leaders to boxing matches and other buffoonery.
His victims' bodies were dumped into the Nile because graves couldn't be dug fast enough. At one point, so many bodies were fed to crocodiles that the remains occasionally clogged intake ducts at Uganda's main hydroelectric plant at Jinja.
Obote once called Amin, "the greatest brute an African mother has ever brought to life." President Jimmy Carter said events in Uganda during Amin's rule "disgusted the entire civilized world."
Dada's famous quotes included:
"Hitler was right to burn six million Jews,''
"If they ask me, I'll become the king of Scotland."
He also wrote to Richard Nixon, wishing him "a speedy recovery'' from Watergate.
Amin leaves behind 30 children and four wives. His hobbies included playing the accordion, fishing and reciting from the Koran.
Our allies, the Saudi government paid for his extravagant exile for the last 23 years.
Rest in peace, mo fo.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Fining the Human Shields

John Ashcroft wants to fine those people who went to Iraq to be human shields against the Iraqi/U.S. war.
They can either pay a $10,000 fine or face up to 7 years in jail.
Please, will someone pull the stick out of that guy's ass? He concerns himself with trivia. First it was covering the bare breasts of a bronze statue, now this.
The man is ridiculous.
When will this administration of extremists and paranoids end?

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Californicating the Vote

I see the GOP petition gatherers have succeeded in totally fucking up the gubernatorial electoral process in California.
The only candidate I see on the ridiculous ballot who might make a difference is Arianna Huffington.
The rest of them, including the turncoat Democrat Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamante and GOP "actor" Ahnold Schwarzenegger are obviously opportunists and scavengers.
Even Dubya is steering clear of endorsing any of these clowns.
Meanwhile in Texas, the GOP leadership is now trying to sanction the Democrats on the lam in New Mexico by illegally fining them each a thousand bucks a day until they return to session, so the GOP can shove an uncalled for, racially discriminating redistricting plan down their throats.
Gee, the GOP steals one national election and now they think they can just take over and change whatever they don't like.
A Democrat won the governor's race in California fair and square. Get over it.
A Weather Reprieve

August is usually Brain Damage Month in South Texas, but recent rains have dropped our temps into the 80's, which is like paradise.
I think I may actually survive the end of the summer. Thank God it's nearly over. Maybe my hair will finally dry.
What's the weather like in your neck of the woods?

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

One More Thing About God

In light of recent events I've been leaning heavily on my faith and trying to learn the lessons I can from it.
Shortly before Marls took her life on Sunday, I spoke with my former girlfriend la and we agreed to reconcile. Since then, she's been a rock and has listened to the whole story with great compassion and wisdom.
I think God had his/her hands all over this situation. One door shuts and a window opens.
Grief and joy can be felt at the same time if we open our hearts to the spirit.
Okay, this concludes my God posts for a while.
Life goes on.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Godspeed, Sweet Friend

A few weeks ago I wrote a Blog review of Harry Potter Book V.
In my comments box, a woman named Miss Marls wrote a more accurate and sensible review, which impressed me immeasurably.
We started a Blog comments, e-mail and Instant Message friendship that blossomed and became important to both of us.
Her brilliance and wit were a joy to me, and when she collapsed recently and became hospitalized, I wrote about my concern for her.
She transferred to a treatment facility shortly afterwards. In her hidden sadness and despair, she took her own life Sunday evening.
Though we only knew each other a short time, we were fast friends and shared some incredible conversations online. Despite her inner turmoil, she always maintained a humorous and upbeat front.
She was an amazingly successful woman with a brilliant career and a loving family, but that was not enough to bring her the happiness that eluded her.
She'd lost her only child, a son, in a tragic auto accident just after he'd been graduated from college several years ago. I don't think she ever recovered from the loss.
They are together now, and I pray she's found the happiness she longed for.
The skies just gained another star.
Good-bye. I will miss you, Marls.

Friday, August 08, 2003

What I Know About God

God doesn't hand any of us more than we can handle.
It's when we take on other people's stuff as our own when we get overwhelmed.
What do you know for sure about God?
Talk among yourselves.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Puzzling Events

This morning I learned that a woman very special to me had collapsed during a morning meeting and was rushed to the hospital, where she's being treated for a broken wrist, a conk on the head and dehydration.
She is not local, nor is she accessible by phone, so I am planning to just stand by and worry like a Jewish mother.
Then I went to Willie's House of Pain at 2 p.m. and found my trainer Willie dressed in street clothes, looking a little dazed. Seems his wife, Mrs. Jett, was rushed to the hospital this morning with something that could be as simple as a virus or as serious as a stroke.
That sad news hardly allowed me to rejoice at not having to work out today.
Anyway, I believe in the spiritual power of group consciousness, so if y'all will help send some healing light to these two lovely ladies, I'd appreciate it.
And be careful. These things run in threes.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Kobe Bryant's Arraignment

I think either alleged rapist Kobe Bryant does whatever he wants to do, or his lawyer hasn't got any sense.
To show up in a courtroom wearing a casual, off-white sportscoat, an open collared shirt and no tie kind of screams "cavalier attitude."
Hell, I dressed up for jury duty and I was trying NOT to be picked. It's just a matter of common sense, mature adults dress for court.
For him to show up without his wife was even worse. Where's all that support she supposedly has for him? Where was his family?
What does that tell an audience of tens of millions of people who saw it on TV?
I guess it just ain't no big deal for number 8.
I Must Have Forgotten to Move

Texas in August causes brain damage.
Yesterday it was so hot, when I got into my car I had to use a little cloth over the shifter to slide from park into reverse.
The AC in my car was on full blast, but only managed to bring down the interior temperature to around 80 degrees by the time I drove the 3 miles to Willie's House of Pain.
Willie's HoP is nicely air conditioned, but I started sweating like a horse between getting off the treadmill and getting on the elliptical trainer.
Seems the humidity outside trumps air conditioning inside.
Once I started on the ab crunching machine, I was flinging sweat like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.
I was sucking my water bottle like a foal on a mare. I ran out the before the session did.
Texas in August is a horrid, vitality sucking kiln.
A friend of mine wanted to pop in for a visit sometime soon. She lives out west, where the summers are perfect. August is not the time for her to come to Texas.
Only a fool would choose to be in Texas in August.
Especially Crawford, Texas.

Monday, August 04, 2003

The Secret Diary of Pu-Say Hussein
Saddam's Unusual Daughter

My days have become nightmares with my father may Allah bash his head with one of his own large Lladro statuettes here at the palace.
As I mentioned last time, he is demanding I make him into a woman costume. I sewed for him a burqa and he raged at me because he said, "The shoulder pads were not big like Krystal's!" And he scream too that the wig I got for him from the concubine's costume room was brown and not blonde with large flips going back on the sides.
So confused was I.
It turns out father, may Allah stick caplets of Gingko Baloba far into his anal cavity, was confused when he said he wanted to look like evil american georgebush actress Joan Collins.
He meant to say evil american georgebush actress Linda Evans, and perhaps I should have known that because he has many, many beautiful portraits of her painted on black velvet in his private quarters, and his computer screen saver also he has her there too except I suspect her head is on someone else's naked body because this body has very large breasts large like soccer balls.
Quickly I had to enlarge the shoulder pads by using plush hand towels folded three times.
Then my concubines and I rapidly located the blonde wig with the large flips all around the head and father may Allah kick his shin until it splinters became red with angry and said, "Not Farrah wig, Krystal wig!"
We had to rush to find the proper wig, which we found in his sleeping chamber under his Yanni music recordings.
Finally he donned the correct wig and the burqa with the very large shoulder pads and commanded us to play the Yanni music while he swirled and swirled around the ballroom like a dervish, except as a female dervish which was very unsightly.
This has been going on for hours now may Allah make him very sleepy for a long long time.
I know not what to do and this music never seems go on to another song so the swirling continues without end and my head is pounding.
Allah, I beseech you, please do something.
Who Wants to Marry My Dud?

I finally broke down and watched an episode of "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?"
I am starting to think my gay and lesbian compadres who are lobbying for the right to legally marry are setting their sites a little low.
The show was just plain creepy. Three aging Barbie dolls were vying for hand of the dad, who looked like Captain Picard. His four goofy grown kids were the jury.
They showed the dad taking each of the three remaining contestants on a date. It was highly discriminatory toward women of Brunetteish-American descent, and I may have to sue.
Blonde #2 got to sail with the dad on a fully staffed, half million dollar yacht. The dad fawned over her as she tried to feign interest and stifle her yawns.
Blonde #1 got taken to Rodeo Drive in a stretch limo, where they dressed her up and bejeweled her like a princess, then they drove the couple down the streets of Beverly Hills in a horse-drawn Cinderella carriage. Then they waltzed in a ballroom to their own private string quartet.
The brunette got a brown bag picnic of Cheese Whiz, Ritz crackers, an orange and a liter of red Gatorade, served on a stained acrylic blanket thrown carelessly against the banks of a muddy pond. He made out with her and I think I saw him copping a feel.
They lie detectored one of the blondes and the brunette. The blonde was a big fat liar. The brunette was 100 percent truthful.
At the end, the kids voted Brownie off the show. She cried real tears.
Now the dad will end up with one of the blondes.
That'll teach him.
Zipdrive Goes to the Movies
(only she didn't actually see this one)

Now, I am not a Hollywood film mogul but I can say with some certainty that naming a movie something nobody can pronounce is a bad idea.
Gigli? Giggly? Geegly? Yigly?
What the fuc--yo, fogeddabouddit!
Okay, now I like Ben Affleck. His role in "Chasing Amy" made me actually root for the straight guy to get the gay girl in a lesbian movie, and that's saying something!
But Ben, honey, all right already! One lesbian conquest is enough in a guy's film career.
As for JLo, well hell, she put San Antonio and Selena on the map with that movie.
Her ass has just about set the standard for superior assitude. She's just fine is what she is.
But JLo as a lesbian enforcer? What?
Don't those Hollywood moguls know that JLo is one of the only women in the history of Hollywood that we gossipy lesbians DON'T speculate is a secret lesbo?
She is pure hetero!
I mean, she dated P Puffy Diddy Combs, for God's sake! No lesbian is gonna get near her spicy love taco after something like that!
Okay, and another thing.
Ben is a handsome guy. Don't be fucking up his hair with a big Pompadour job like that. We don't want to see that.
And don't be casting him as a dumb, thuggish wanna be. We know he's a smart, New Englander kind of preppy guy, and we don't believe he can be a dumb Jersey guy.
And the mob doesn't have girl enforcers, and especially not dyke girl enforcers who don't even look like dykes. Come on, you saw the Godfather movies, Wiseguys and Married to the Mob, did you see even one lesbian in any of them? No! Does Tony Soprano have any lesbians on his payroll? I think not.
For God's sake, people.
There's only one way I'll see Gigli.
It'd have to be at 3 am on HBO when the only other shows on cable are infomercials or religious broadcasts. I'll have to be in an altered state, passed out on the couch, and the batteries in the clicker will have to be dead.
Hey Melly! Wanna come watch it with me?

Sunday, August 03, 2003

The Secret Diary of Pu-Say Hussein
Saddam's Unusual Daughter

My sadness is great. Not because my sisters have left the country, may Allah remove their excess facial hair but because my father, may Allah get it over with and kill his nasty personage has snuck back to the palace and demanded my help.
Now that the evil american georgebush empire has distributed pictures of my father wearing different hair and mustache styles, may Allah cause elephantiasis in his shriveled scrotum, he has demanded I sew for him a burqa and turn him into a woman.
He said he admires evil american georgebush actress Joan Collins and wants to look like her. I asked him, "Father, perhaps you meant Joan Crawford?" and he smote me with his sidearm and said, "No you stupid woman camel vagina I mean Joan Collins and I want shoulder pads, too."
Even as a woman he is a very bad, bad man may Allah give me the 25 million in evil american georgebush reward dollars.
Luckily I have satellite TV and observe commercials. I shall call 1-800 CALL ATT and tell it to the evil american georgebush CIA.

I know Walmart employs old geezers to greet you as you walk in the door.
It's really kind of sweet and very much in keeping with their cornball image, so what the hell. I usually don't shop at Walmart anyway, but when I do I make it a point to try to get past them without eye contact.
What I cannot tolerate is the new grocery store down the street that uses greeters at the entrance and exit doors.
What is their function?
I don't need anyone to welcome me to a grocery store with a coupon page I just threw away from my mailbox that day, I just want to walk in, get my groceries and get out.
Next time the greeter smiles at me like a hyena and asks how I am doing today, I am tempted to tell her in excruciating detail what my morning glucose level was, whether I had a successful bowel movement that morning, how the cats were acting, then I'll finish it off with a chronological history of what I think went wrong with my last relationship.
Then I'll bitch a little about George W., just for good measure.

And the exit greeters *really* piss me off.
They always ask me, "Did you find everything you need?" and I always reply, "No. They didn't have any diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale."
They always get a mock concerned look on their face, then immediately look past me and ask the next stooge the same question.
They never have it in stock anymore, so why keep asking?
I'd rather they say, "Hey lady, we still don't have any Canada Dry diet Ginger Ale in stock because we really don't give a damn whether you are jonesing for it or not."
At least that would be honest.
The Fashion Segment

Last night my lovely companion and I went to the usual little wine and coffee house and observed a room full of oddly rumpled gay men, a fair number of college girls and a few wildcards thrown in just to confuse us.
What in the hell has happened to contemporary fashion?
Some of the women's blouses were so complicated I wouldn't know how to go about putting one on without printed instructions. "Insert Tab A into Slot B. Crisscross lateral straps under diagonal zipper, but over glittery applique."
And whose idea was it to bring back hip hugger pants? Those damn things should be sold only to licensed individuals who meet basic girth and inseam requirements.
Clue: If someone is 4'11" and a size 18, bell bottomed hiphuggers are not the ideal fashion choice.
Oh, and when will this capri thing end? I have never even considered wearing them. I mean, they are not shorts and not long pants, so what are they? I'll tell you what they are, they are first cousins of culottes and skorts.
I have four basic pant styles. Jeans, dressy pants, ratty shorts and ironed shorts.
I cannot imagine a scenario where capris, hip huggers or the dreaded cargo pants would enhance my appearance.
Yeah. Maybe I'll go visit TechFluid Chari in Florida and we can put on our capris and go where, to a NASCAR race?
What shoes go with those pants? Nothing in my collection, that's for damn sure.
Mom had it easy when she was 50. She wore house dresses, dusters and muumuus, because back then women in their 50's didn't have to worry about dating.
I was born too late.
I wish muumuus would come back into style. I could be confident and alluring wearing a bright, bold, Hawaiian print muumuu.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

The Winds of Change

This personal trainer shit might be working.
I have dropped six pounds since I started 11 days ago, but my clothes are a lot looser than six pounds would indicate. Yay for muscle!
Also, I think I am about done pining away for my recently-former-on-again-off-again girlfriend.
The woman was truly wonderful but she had for me what I call motorboat love:
She loved me but but but but but but but but but...
I may not have had enough of her butt, but I have had enough of her buts.
Hey, you love, you risk, sometimes you lose.
She taught me a lot. Most of all, she taught me that one really can have an honorable breakup without rancor, venomous comments or seething leftover resentments.
Last time I saw her, we kissed good-bye so hard I think I may have tasted blood.
Hey, if it's gonna be a last kiss, may as well make it memorable, right?
On to Willie's House of Pain.