Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A Special Report:
Sneak Preview: George W. Bush's speech to the Canadians

Good evening.
How fabulous is it to be with all you Ottawannabes on this special occasion.
This Museum of Civilization y'all have here is really a testimony to all that went on before here. It's a really fabulous gesture of ...accomplishment, which will live on in history in the future... for all time.
Now, I know I didn't have much time to campaign here over the last year, but you know Ottawa is my favorite province in the United States, and I appreciate all the fabulous hard, hard work you people have did to help me win my political capital, that I intend to spend on my second term.
(Press secretary whispers in the President's ear)
Heh heh heh, I meant to say Canada, not the United States, but y'all are so close to us, we consider you as close as step children, and I don't mean the resentful kind, I mean the kind who are appreciative to have a good, new daddy- who is strong and resolutive to protect them.
I come here today also to give a hug to your new leader, President Pete Martin, who I have met with and who seems like a fabulous guy, with a lot of real, real good initiatives.
The liberal media back home has said us and Canadia have some issues of settlement that need some settling. And I don't think we have what you'd call bad issues between us, but I will settle them, good or bad.
Why, just today, I enjoyed a fabulous hamburger made from Canadian cows, and I am happy to say it didn't taste like the cow was mad at all. Maybe the liberal media back home was just mad when they said so... heh heh heh.
Also, I had a real nice visit with your Defense Minister, Billy Graham, who is a fabulous guy not unlike our own Reverend Billy Graham, only not religious. Billy's a great asset to y'all, and alls he needs to is figure out how to spell "defense" and he'll be good to go. heh heh heh
On a seriouser topic of large urgency, we all share a goal of stopping terrorism wherever it may go, which could include all of Canada, including the French people over in Quebec, the British and Colombian ones over on your West coast, and those Scottish folks y'all have over there in Nova Scotia.
It has been hard, hard work, but every person of Canadianism can check their Internets to see for theirselves that terrorists like Saddam Hussein have been brought down, and so far he is just the chip of a really bad iceberg.
Now, we know that Canadia doesn't have a whole lot of military troops or much military airplanes or boats, but I speak for my country to say we would appreciate the whole, entire country of Canada getting back in the saddle of freedom with countries like ours who enjoy liberty and hate terrorism, and rejoin the coalition of the willing so we can track down and kill those who hate us for our freedom.
Americans consider Canada almost like they're Americans theirselfs- what with their comedians and fine actors coming down to work in our movies and TV shows, and their speaking mostly English, just like us. And today I learned that the Canadians can also cook a fabulous, All American-style hamburger! heh heh heh.
It is within this spirit of simultaneousness that bounds us together, in a world where it is no longer an option not to be uncautious against the worldly spread of terrorists, who hate us for our freedom. These are dangerous times, folks, and in Texas we say it's time to circle the wagons, which is something all freedom lovers should want to do for their own goods- and the good of the children.
So, tonight in this really fabulous historical venue of civilization, I say thank you for the long history of being our neighbors to the north, and long may you all continue to behave as civilized as this great Museum of Civilization.
Good night, and God bless America.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

The Dreaded Sports Injury

It had to happen eventually.
After working out with a trainer for more than a year, I ended up buying a full-sized ab cruncher for home use.
By full size, I mean it took a big truck, three large men and a dolly to muscle in into my house.
My trainer Willie has been moving his business to another location for the last two weeks, which means I was left to my own devices to continue my workouts at home.
He had me doing 110 ab crunches at 70 pounds, in two sets of 60.
At home, I decided to do 500 ab crunches, in five sets of 100, interspersed by a mile of bike riding.
It felt great doing them, until Wednesday when my right side started hurting.
When I inhale, a pain hits about 3/4's of the way into the full inhale, causing me to yelp.
I am sure I pulled an ab muscle because I Googled the symptoms, so now I am relying on muscle relaxers and a truss to ease the discomfort.
I haven't called Willie yet because I am not looking forward to the lecture.
Despite the discomfort and occasional downright pain, I am rather pleased with myself.
See, only athletes get abdominal strains.
In 48 years of slothful living, I never once strained my belly muscles.
I guess this makes me an official gym rat.
Anyone know how long this will take to heal?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Turkey Survivor Apprentice

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I am flittering around like mad this morning, getting ready to go to Austin for a family gathering. Forgive this abbreviated Thursday post- I haven't got much time to mull it over...
For the boot- it's gotta be Chris, the one remaining man. The camp is built, there's no heavy lifting to be done and he's not that good in challenges, so I think his time has come.
The Apprentice:
With only a handful of ass kissers left, you gotta think Trump is starting to decide which ones he'd most hate to hire. I suspect the remaining challenges will be tailored toward the skills of his favorites.
Trump is gonna have to start weeding out the worst of them right away.
Using that as a sole criteria, I pick Ivana to get the next boot.

Your picks?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

No Hecklers, Bushie is the Sensitive Type

"OTTAWA—U.S. President George W. Bush will not be addressing Parliament when he comes to Ottawa next week, choosing instead to speak at a big dinner at the Museum of Civilization on the evening of Nov. 30..."

Considering how Karl Rove has packaged his puppet to be a fearless Texas macho man, Bush sure seems to be a pussy when it comes to facing any criticism from foreign politicians.
His paranoia had created a boy in a bubble syndrome that must be hard to endure for an extroverted, frat boy prankster like him.
In his recent visit to Chile, Bush insisted his enormous Secret Service detail be allowed to pat down and search everyone who'd been invited to the State Dinner planned in Bush's honor.
To his credit, the Chilean president refused to allow Bush's American Gestapo to subject his distinguished dinner guests to being frisked before dinner; in fact he was insulted by the demand and canceled the dinner.
Now Bush is ducking the Canadian Parliament because he's scared to face those ferociously confrontational Canuck politicos.
Yeah, right.
No sense exposing him to differing global viewpoints, even from hyper-polite Canucks.

When you are the self-appointed King of the World, input from other nations just doesn't matter.

They ought to skip the idiot's appearance at the Ottowa Museum of Civilization and just schedule him to fire the starting gun at a suburban Ottawa tractor pull. That way he can just shoot any hecklers who dare to speak harshly to him.

Fucking wimp.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Karen Zipdrive's Deep Thoughts

Remember to look for the blessings in horrible events.
We aren't learning a thing when we're lying on a beach, drinking a piƱa colada.
It's only when creepy stuff happens that our mettle is tested. Steel is tempered by fire.
My dogma is chasing my karma.

That was then, this is now. Onward and upward.

Your deep thoughts?

Monday, November 22, 2004

Face Like a Moonpie

I have pretty much stopped eating bread.
I stopped buying loaves of it for household use because,as it turns out, bread is a platform for a multitude of bad things, like buttered toast, peanut butter and jelly, tuna salad, cheese and other sandwiches that contain at least a few fattening things.
I eat an occasional slice of whole grain, fancy-pants bread with a salad at Whole Foods, and occasionally I eat raisin toast when I order oatmeal at a restaurant, otherwise I am off it.
Yesterday, after a week of hard exercise and low carbs, I had this excruciating craving for a hamburger.
I wanted one so much, nothing else would do. So I went to Burger King and ordered an Angus Steak™ burger.
It was okay, but not quite up to the fantasy I'd created. I chalked it up to experience and moved on.
When I woke up this morning, the angled cheekbones I had seen all week were gone. In their place was a face as round as a jack o'lantern. Turns out, jack o' lanterns are not at all attractive in flesh tones, with eyeglasses. Nor are Moonpies.
Maybe it was the bun, or the mayo or the meat, but whatever it was, I am now off hamburgers.
It's amazing how inured I once was to eating junk. I never noticed the physical effects because I was never away from rich food long enough to see the difference it makes on my face.
I might have grounds for a lawsuit against Burger King.
My self esteem is shattered, I have emotional angst and a subsequent nervous condition that could trigger an addictive craving for more junk food.
Anyone know a good plaintiff's attorney? This could become a class action thing.
Speaking of diets, does anyone join me in thinking Anna Nicole Smith looks a lot like she's been on the three grams a day cocaine diet?
There's sensible diet and exercise thin, then there's "you look psychotic from too many drugs" thin.
Having seen her show many times, I'm thinking it's gotta be the latter. I wonder if her "assistant" Kim has also lost weight? Hmmmm.
Back By Popular Demand

Okay, the poll I posted last time was so much fun, here's another. There's actually been no demand for another, but I thought the headline sounded compelling.
Here's Poll #2:

1. What happened the time you got the drunkest you've ever been?
2. What's the best present you ever received, and who gave it to you?
3. Do you prefer shrimp, lobster or tofu?
4. Would you rather date someone brilliant but completely homely or gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks?
5. What's the longest time you've made love without leaving the bedroom (or wherever) except for food and bathroom breaks?
6. Who was your first serious kiss with and how old were you?
7. Have you ever been to Texas? What city/cities?
8. What is meant by "feed it and it will grow"?
9. If you could be the opposite gender for one weekend, would you do it?
10.(a) If you are straight and had to make love with a member of your own sex, who would it be?
10.(b) If you are gay or lesbian and had to make love with a member of the opposite sex, who would it be?

Friday, November 19, 2004

Readers Talk Back

Please answer the following in the comments box:
1. If you could duct tape someone you dislike into a lawn chair and make them listen to three songs over and over and over, who would the person be and what would the songs be?
2. If you could smash a pie in George W. Bush's face, what flavor would it be?
3. What's your favorite sandwich?
4. What kind of underwear do you prefer?
5. Describe your favorite shoes.
6. Do you have a piggy bank? How much is in it?
7. Would you wear bright orange pants if they fit great and were of superior quality?
8. Scott Peterson: life without parole or the death penalty?
9. Would you rather drive a Saturn with dents and a bad paint job that ran great or a BMW that looked great but had frequent engine troubles?
10. What actor or actress would you refuse to go to the Academy Awards with?

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Survivor and the Apprentice Tonight

I think, with the women in control of the majority, they'd have to be downright stupid to vote out one of their own.
Though it's never wise to underestimate the stupidity of the castaways, I still think Chad and Chris are tonight's sitting ducks.
Of the two males, Chad has failed to charm any of the women sufficiently to cause any rifts in the girl-girl alliance. Chris still has Twyla in his web, sorta.
Buh Bye, Chad.

In The Apprentice, I heard a rumor that two people will be fired tonight. The project is supposed to be about a new line of blue jeans, so already Apex has the edge with all those girly girls on the team. If that's true, that leaves Mosiac with Ivana, whom everyone seems to detest, and Andy, who is cute but way too wet behind the ears.
So, I say bye bye to Ivana and Andy.

Your picks?
Lurkers reminder: this is your day to delurk.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One More Reason to Despise the GOP...

GOP Approves New Party Rules in Light of DeLay


"WASHINGTON (Nov. 17) - House Republicans approved a party rules change Wednesday that could allow Majority leader Tom DeLay to retain his leadership post if he is indicted by a Texas grand jury on state political corruption charges."

In other words, if you're a GOP about be indicted on corruption charges in your home state, the GOP Congress has switched the rules so it's still okie dokie for you to lead the House majority.
And they wonder why people think they're a bunch of phonies and crooks.
Then the Rains Came

Last night, I got all hunkered down to watch "The Biggest Loser" on NBC. It's a reality show about obese people on two teams, seeing who can lose the most weight.
I like that show because it makes me feel so guilty, I end up watching it from my exercise bike, pedaling through at least half the show. It's always good for at least 10 more miles on my bike's odometer.
But we had a bit of rainy weather last night and the local NBC affiliate thought it would be better to bring out all their fancypants, multicolor Doppler Weatherscan 5000 software and spend at least 2 hours showing us where the fucking rain was, where it had been and where it was going.
It was a hard rain, but it's not as if mobile home courts were being uprooted and trailers were spinning in the air.
So, this morning I had to Google and find out which team member got eliminated.
Damn it! It was Matt, the lovable, pudgy gay boy. I loved that guy, and I missed his elimination.
All I have to show for it is two perky pine trees in my front yard and a lawn that makes a squishy sound when I walk on it.
WOAI Channel 4 Weather in San Antonio can shove that Doppler up their tiny little asses.
Don't be messing with my losers.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Bloggy Bits

It's been a while since I did this, but I think a little news update with commentary is long overdue.

• Scott Peterson found guilty.
Good. I was glad to see him convicted of first degree murder for killing his wife, and second degree murder for the death of his unborn son. The anti-choice people wanted the death of the fetus to be a first degree murder conviction to further bolster their claim that a fetus was a person, thereby making abortion tantamount to murder.
I hope he gets life without parole, in a cell without a mirror. Death would be too easy for a prick like him.
• Liza Minnelli's former bodyguard/chauffeur charges her with assault and sexual abuse.
All I can say is, I can't stand it when people can't handle their liquor or drugs. Liza's mother Judy Garland was nuts, and I can see the pecans didn't fall far from the tree in that family. It's just creepy is what it is.
• Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State? The Peter Principle lives, except I thought she rose to her own level of incompetence, asleep at the wheel as National Security Advisor.
• Bill O'Reilly. I thought Mister No Spin said he planned to fight to the death allegations that he sexually harassed his producer. Suddenly the lawsuit just went away. I hope she made at least a couple of million off the old pervert. And whatever she made won't be from the proceeds of his children's book- the public isn't buying the crap he's selling- at least not for their kids.
• Land's End. How many catalogues do they need to send me this year? Seems like I get at least three a week. I need a separate recycling bin just for their stuff. Enough, already. Same goes for credit card companies sending me notices that I am already approved for their cards. I think they all hired Rainman to send me this crap. It's incessant!

What's on your mind? Let's talk about it.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Slapping the Other Cheek
November 14, 2004

You'd think the one good thing about merging church and state would be that politics would be suffused with glistening Christian sentiments like "love thy neighbor," "turn the other cheek," "good will toward men," "blessed be the peacemakers" and "judge not lest you be judged."

Yet somehow I'm not getting a peace, charity, tolerance and forgiveness vibe from the conservatives and evangelicals who claim to have put their prodigal son back in office.

I'm getting more the feel of a vengeful mob - revved up by rectitude - running around with torches and hatchets after heathens and pagans and infidels.

One fiery Southern senator actually accused a nice Catholic columnist of having horns coming up out of her head!

Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college of the same name, has written a letter to the president telling him that "Christ has allowed you to be his servant" so he could "leave an imprint for righteousness," by appointing conservative judges and approving legislation "defined by biblical norm."

"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America - though she doesn't deserve it - a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Mr. Jones wrote. "Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ." Way harsh.

The Christian avengers and inquisitors, hearts hard as marble, are chasing poor 74-year-old Arlen Specter through the Capitol's marble halls, determined to flagellate him and deny him his cherished goal of taking over the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Not only are they irate at his fairly innocuous comment after the election that anti-Roe v. Wade judges would have a hard time getting through the Senate. They are also full of bloodthirsty feelings of revenge against the senator for championing stem cell research and for voting against Robert Bork - who denounces Mr. Specter as "a bit shifty" - 17 years ago.

"He is a problem, and he must be derailed," Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, told George Stephanopoulos.

Sounding more like the head of a mob family than a ministry, Dr. Dobson told Mr. Stephanopoulos about a warning he issued a White House staffer after the election that the president and Republicans had better deliver on issues like abortion, gay marriage and conservative judges or "I believe they'll pay a price in the next election."

Certainly Mr. Specter has done his part for the conservative cause. He accused Anita Hill of "flat-out perjury" for a minor inconsistency in her testimony against Clarence Thomas, that good Christian jurist who once had a taste for porn films.

Some in the White House thought of giving Mr. Specter the post and then keeping him on a short leash. But the power puritans have no mercy. They say he's a mealy-mouthed impediment to the crusade of evangelicals and conservative Catholic bishops - who delivered their vote with ruthless efficacy - to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Mr. Stephanopoulos asked Dr. Dobson about his comment to The Daily Oklahoman that "Patrick Leahy is a 'God's people-hater.' I don't know if he hates God, but he hates God's people," noting that it was not a particularly Christian thing to say about the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee. (Especially after that vulgar un-Christian thing Dick Cheney spat at Mr. Leahy last summer.)

"George," Dr. Dobson haughtily snapped back, "do you think you ought to lecture me on what a Christian is all about?" Why not? The TV host is the son of a Greek Orthodox priest.

Acting as though Mr. Bush's decisions should be taken on faith, John Ashcroft lashed into judges for not giving Mr. Bush unbridled power in his war against terror.

Speaking Friday before an adulatory Federalist Society, a group of conservative lawyers, Mr. Ashcroft echoed remarks he made to the Senate soon after 9/11 arguing that objecting to the president's antiterror proposals could give "ammunition to America's enemies."

He asserted that judges who interfere in or second guess the president's constitutional authority to make decisions during war can jeopardize the "very security of our nation in a time of war."

And since the president has no end in sight to his war on terror, that makes him infallible ad infinitum?

Friday, November 12, 2004

A Bloggy Snack

There's a lot of news I'd like to comment on, but today is a busy one for me and I'll have to do it later. Is there anything you'd like to read or talk about? Let me know.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Survivor! Apprentice!

Last week, Chad, Chris, Sarge and Rory tried to oust Ami, who happens to be my favorite.
The four boys failed, because Ami, Eliza, Julie, Leann, Scout and Twila voted to oust Rory.
My best friend Anna liked Rory but didn't like Ami. She is not gay and she loves Motown music, so that explains why.
We almost had a fight over it but I was too lazy to get up and get in her face, so we had ice cream instead. Then we forgot to finish the fight because (1) Ami appeared in that bikini and I became transfixed and (2) Anna has the attention span of a three-day-old puppy.
Rory's overdue departure leaves three boys and six girls left, meaning one of those boys is gonna get it.
Who can it be?
It won't be Chad because he is one-legged and the girls are...well, they're girls.
Chris has the biggest grudge toward Ami, and Ami is the Queen of the Island who Must Not Be Dissed.
Sarge was very dour last episode, and girls don't like dour.
The vote?
All three men against Ami, because they are afraid of the mythical lure of Sappho.
The women will go after either Chris or Sarge, probably Chris.
Or Sarge.

On the Apprentice:
That idiot Chris shot off his mouth in the boardroom last week, earning a seething sneer from Carolyn, a tongue lashing from Trump and a gassy scowl from that other guy.
He's gonna be the project manager for this episode, but with Carolyn's panties already in a wad, Trump already thinking he's an ass, and the project being something about a bridal salon, he's a dead man walking.
Someone gets into a wreck driving some kind of delivery van, but that will end up being Chris's fault because he is pre-marked with the slash of Carolyn.
Everyone can breathe easily and kick back and do a half-assed job because, like Survivor, this will be a bad night for anyone named Chris.
Who do you pick?


"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."
- JOHN ASHCROFT, the attorney general, in his resignation letter.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Betty Bower's
Blue States vs. Red States checklist

Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good

Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.

Blue States: Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs

Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air

Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz

Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor

Blue States: After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground
Red States: After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car

Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines

Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil

Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden"
part of "tax and spend"

Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.

Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks

Blue States: Concerned about global warming
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!

Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him

Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation

Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth

Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles
Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted

Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship

Blue States: Women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States: Choose women's wrestling

Blue States: Want a rational energy policy
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism

Blue States: Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account

Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America
Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America

Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different

Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder

Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory

Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States: Inherited slaves

Blue States: Buy art
Red States: Collect Beanie Babies
The One Nice Thing to Consider

I've been thinking of reasons not to lose all hope with Bush rigging another victory, and I have finally come up with an idea that splits my woes in half.
Bush was "elected" for four more years, but crooks in office like Nixon had two years of his second term before he was busted and made to leave in disgrace.
Watergate was minor compared to ballot tampering and so many other capers Bush has pulled off.
But even without crimes sticking to Bush, he'll still be a lame duck without the clout to force the Republicans to continue to do his bidding.
Within two years, the other GOP scalawags will be jockeying for power, and Bush will be politely ignored.
Even in today's news, a federal judge ruled that Bush had both overstepped his constitutional bounds and improperly brushed aside the Geneva Conventions in establishing military commissions to try detainees as war criminals.
And with Bush's military killing off record numbers of Iraqi civilians in Bush's victory celebration attack on Fallujah, I suspect Iraqi support for U.S. occupation might still have some ample dwindle room.
I'll bet even as we speak, Karl Rove is busily thinking up more palatable phrases than, "instituting a draft" or "selective service."
I think all Bush ever really wanted to do was show his daddy he could grab two terms, and now that he has, he's likely to lose interest in the hard, hard work it takes to be Reign Man.
It's a pity we had to take part in Bush's unresolved Oedipal issues, but it might be fun to watch him crumble, still trying unsuccessfully to win the love and respect of his big dyke mommy.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Another Stolen Bush Election?
Evidence Mounts That The Vote May Have Been Hacked

by Thom Hartmann / Common Dreams Nov. 6, 2004

When I spoke with Jeff Fisher this morning (Saturday,
November 06, 2004), the Democratic candidate for the
U.S. House of Representatives from Florida's 16th
District said he was waiting for the FBI to show up.
Fisher has evidence, he says, not only that the
Florida election was hacked, but of who hacked it and
how. And not just this year, he said, but that these
same people had previously hacked the Democratic
primary race in 2002 so that Jeb Bush would not have
to run against Janet Reno, who presented a real threat
to Jeb, but instead against Bill McBride, who Jeb
"It was practice for a national effort," Fisher told me.
And evidence is accumulating that the national effort
happened on November 2, 2004.
The State of Florida, for example, publishes a
county-by-county record of votes cast and people
registered to vote by party affiliation. Net denizen
Kathy Dopp compiled the official state information
into a table, available at
http://ustogether.org/Florida_Election.htm, and
noticed something startling.
While the heavily scrutinized touch-screen voting
machines seemed to produce results in which the
registered Democrat/Republican ratios matched the
Kerry/Bush vote, and so did the optically scanned
paper ballots in the larger counties, in Florida's
smaller counties the results from the optically
scanned paper ballots - fed into a central tabulator
PC and thus vulnerable to hacking - seem to have been
In Baker County, for example, with 12,887 registered
voters, 69.3% of them Democrats and 24.3% of them
Republicans, the vote was only 2,180 for Kerry and
7,738 for Bush, the opposite of what is seen
everywhere else in the country where registered
Democrats largely voted for Kerry.
In Dixie County, with 4,988 registered voters, 77.5%
of them Democrats and a mere 15% registered as
Republicans, only 1,959 people voted for Kerry, but
4,433 voted for Bush.
The pattern repeats over and over again - but only in
the smaller counties where, it was probably assumed,
the small voter numbers wouldn't be much noticed.
Franklin County, 77.3% registered Democrats, went
58.5% for Bush. Holmes County, 72.7% registered
Democrats, went 77.25% for Bush.
Yet in the larger counties, where such anomalies would
be more obvious to the news media, high percentages of
registered Democrats equaled high percentages of votes
for Kerry.
More visual analysis of the results can be seen at
and www.rubberbug.com/temp/Florida2004chart.htm.
And, although elections officials didn't notice these
anomalies, in aggregate they were enough to swing
Florida from Kerry to Bush. If you simply go through
the analysis of these counties and reverse the
"anomalous" numbers in those counties that appear to
have been hacked, suddenly the Florida election
results resemble the Florida exit poll results: Kerry
won, and won big.
Those exit poll results have been a problem for
reporters ever since Election Day.
Election night, I'd been doing live election coverage
for WDEV, one of the radio stations that carries my
syndicated show, and, just after midnight, during the
12:20 a.m. Associated Press Radio News feed, I was
startled to hear the reporter detail how Karen Hughes
had earlier sat George W. Bush down to inform him that
he'd lost the election. The exit polls were clear:
Kerry was winning in a landslide. "Bush took the news
stoically," noted the AP report.
But then the computers reported something different.
In several pivotal states.
Conservatives see a conspiracy here: They think the
exit polls were rigged.
Dick Morris, the infamous political consultant to the
first Clinton campaign who became a Republican
consultant and Fox News regular, wrote an article for
The Hill, the publication read by every political
junkie in Washington, DC, in which he made a couple of
brilliant points.
"Exit Polls are almost never wrong," Morris wrote.
"They eliminate the two major potential fallacies in
survey research by correctly separating actual voters
from those who pretend they will cast ballots but
never do and by substituting actual observation for
guesswork in judging the relative turnout of different
parts of the state."

He added: "So, according to ABC-TVs exit polls, for
example, Kerry was slated to carry Florida, Ohio, New
Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, and Iowa, all of which Bush
carried. The only swing state the network had going to
Bush was West Virginia, which the president won by 10
Yet a few hours after the exit polls were showing a
clear Kerry sweep, as the computerized vote numbers
began to come in from the various states the election
was called for Bush.
How could this happen?
On the CNBC TV show "Topic A With Tina Brown," several
months ago, Howard Dean had filled in for Tina Brown
as guest host. His guest was Bev Harris, the Seattle
grandmother who started www.blackboxvoting.org from
her living room. Bev pointed out that regardless of
how votes were tabulated (other than hand counts, only
done in odd places like small towns in Vermont), the
real "counting" is done by computers. Be they Diebold
Opti-Scan machines, which read paper ballots filled in
by pencil or ink in the voter's hand, or the scanners
that read punch cards, or the machines that simply
record a touch of the screen, in all cases the final
tally is sent to a "central tabulator" machine.
That central tabulator computer is a Windows-based PC.
"In a voting system," Harris explained to Dean on
national television, "you have all the different
voting machines at all the different polling places,
sometimes, as in a county like mine, there's a
thousand polling places in a single county. All those
machines feed into the one machine so it can add up
all the votes. So, of course, if you were going to do
something you shouldn't to a voting machine, would it
be more convenient to do it to each of the 4000
machines, or just come in here and deal with all of
them at once?"
Dean nodded in rhetorical agreement, and Harris
continued. "What surprises people is that the central
tabulator is just a PC, like what you and I use. It's
just a regular computer."
"So," Dean said, "anybody who can hack into a PC can
hack into a central tabulator?"
Harris nodded affirmation, and pointed out how Diebold
uses a program called GEMS, which fills the screen of
the PC and effectively turns it into the central
tabulator system. "This is the official program that
the County Supervisor sees," she said, pointing to a
PC that was sitting between them loaded with Diebold's
Bev then had Dean open the GEMS program to see the
results of a test election. They went to the screen
titled "Election Summary Report" and waited a moment
while the PC "adds up all the votes from all the
various precincts," and then saw that in this faux
election Howard Dean had 1000 votes, Lex Luthor had
500, and Tiger Woods had none. Dean was winning.
"Of course, you can't tamper with this software,"
Harris noted. Diebold wrote a pretty good program.
But, it's running on a Windows PC.
So Harris had Dean close the Diebold GEMS software, go
back to the normal Windows PC desktop, click on the
"My Computer" icon, choose "Local Disk C:," open the
folder titled GEMS, and open the sub-folder "LocalDB"
which, Harris noted, "stands for local database,
that's where they keep the votes." Harris then had
Dean double-click on a file in that folder titled
"Central Tabulator Votes," which caused the PC to open
the vote count in a database program like Excel.
In the "Sum of the Candidates" row of numbers, she
found that in one precinct Dean had received 800 votes
and Lex Luthor had gotten 400.
"Let's just flip those," Harris said, as Dean cut and
pasted the numbers from one cell into the other.
"And," she added magnanimously, "let's give 100 votes
to Tiger."
They closed the database, went back into the official
GEMS software "the legitimate way, you're the county
supervisor and you're checking on the progress of your
As the screen displayed the official voter tabulation,
Harris said, "And you can see now that Howard Dean has
only 500 votes, Lex Luthor has 900, and Tiger Woods
has 100." Dean, the winner, was now the loser.
Harris sat up a bit straighter, smiled, and said, "We just edited
an election, and it took us 90 seconds."
On live national television. (You can see the clip on
Which brings us back to Morris and those pesky exit
polls that had Karen Hughes telling George W. Bush
that he'd lost the election in a landslide.
Morris's conspiracy theory is that the exit polls
"were sabotage" to cause people in the western states
to not bother voting for Bush, since the networks
would call the election based on the exit polls for
Kerry. But the networks didn't do that, and had never
intended to. It makes far more sense that the exit
polls were right - they weren't done on Diebold PCs -
and that the vote itself was hacked.
And not only for the presidential candidate - Jeff
Fisher thinks this hit him and pretty much every other
Democratic candidate for national office in the
most-hacked swing states.
So far, the only national "mainstream" media to come
close to this story was Keith Olbermann on his show
Friday night, November 5th, when he noted that it was
curious that all the voting machine irregularities so
far uncovered seem to favor Bush. In the meantime, the
Washington Post and other media are now going through
single-bullet-theory-like contortions to explain how
the exit polls had failed.
But I agree with Fox's Dick Morris on this one, at
least in large part. Wrapping up his story for The
Hill, Morris wrote in his final paragraph, "This was
no mere mistake. Exit polls cannot be as wrong across
the board as they were on election night. I suspect
foul play."

Friday, November 05, 2004

Electile Dysfunction

I haven't been up to watching even a moment of post election coverage, but I did see a snippet of Bush talking last night on a clip The Daily Show aired.
His arrogance was worse than ever, and apparently he thinks he's earned some political capital that "he plans to spend." He said that's "his style." He thinks 3 million votes was a mandate.
He doesn't know a mandate from a mandrill.
I thought I could learn to accept four more years of this parallel universe political insanity, but I don't see how that will be possible.
I tried not to believe Diebold rigged the results in Ohio but the fact is, I do think they were rigged.
Only one good thing has come from this nightmare: my friend Barcodie redeemed himself as a class act. Otherwise, I see nothing but downside.

I am leaving town for the weekend.
I have to get away, get on the open road with the music blasting, and shake off these horrible feelings. I need to do it before gas prices double again.
I need to be around my family, all yellow dog Democrats, so we can commiserate.

I feel like the phoenix, just before she finishes molting and turns to ash.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Survivor and Apprentice Tonight

Probably a Survivor merge is coming, so we'll get to see the true players start to emerge.
Who's out tonight? Stupid Julie or obnoxious Rory.
Who's tonight's MVP? Ami. Just because she's so hot in that bikini, and our eyes need something soothing after seeing that smirking chimp all fucking week. Plus, she bats for our team.

In The Apprentice, I just don't like Ivana.
I have no idea who'll get fired, but I'd just as soon choose her. She's annoying.

Your picks?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

A Post-Election Workshop

They say it's best to get your feelings out when you are feeling sad, angry or upset.
So, cut and paste, then fill in the blank after this statement:

When I found out Kerry lost, I felt like____________________________________.
My Aching Heart

I am not angry today. I am sad. To the core of my being, I feel nothing but abject, numbing sorrow.
Anger will have to wait until I can free myself from the paralysis of this sadness I feel.
One thing I did this election, besides contributing money, displaying signs and stickers and Blogging my heart out for Kerry, was to reach out to my next door neighbor kids.
Jason and Jesse are in their 20's, but they still live with their parents in a sheltered, Jehovah's Witness household.
Their parents are sweet people, but their religion prohibits political involvement, so they stay out of it. Their kids had been apolitical as well, until recently.
Over the summer, I took every opportunity to talk to the boys about the importance of this election.
Yesterday, they proudly told me they voted in their first-ever election. For Kerry.
Today, Jesse came by to say he was baking me some cookies as a conciliation gesture- and as a thank you, for taking the time to get him involved, interested and excited about politics.
He was so disappointed his first vote didn't turn out as he'd hoped- but then I reminded him that he, his brother and I had essentially canceled out Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld's votes.
It was a sweet and heartfelt exchange that took some of the chill from my frozen heart.
While I am indulging myself in this wash of disappointment and sorrow, I find solace in remembering this:
Before Nixon started running for his second term, Watergate was discovered.
He was reelected in spite of what seemed to many of us a smoking gun of epic proportions.
It took two years into his second term to nail him, but he was nailed, and so was his criminal Vice President Spiro Agnew, for income tax evasion.
They left office in disgrace.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Let's all hope that adage remains true. Justice, like revenge, can be a dish best served cold.
But let's forget revenge- let's all just pray for justice.
Giving Barcodeking his Due

As everyone knows, I lost $100 bet when Kerry lost the election.
I received the following e-mail from the winner of the bet, my politcal nemesis Barcodie, and I have to respect his constraint.

"Hi Karen,

It's over. Kerry has done the gracious thing and the right thing for the country. Don't feel bad. Your side fought the good fight for what you believed was right, just as the Confederates did during the Civil War. This time, unlike the last election, there really is no doubt whatsoever about who won. I'm glad that President Bush got a majority of the popular vote and a wide margin of victory, as well as the most votes ever cast for a U.S. president in our history. Those with "Selected Not Elected" bumper stickers on their Volvos will have to scrape them off.

In the words of a great Republican:

With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations.
--Abraham Lincoln, Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865

Lincoln knew that you had to win the war first, but that it was possible to be magnanimous in victory.

You can send the $100 to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund."

I will soon be sending the Red Cross a check, with instructions to apply the contribution to disaster relief in Clyde's home state of Florida.
I think Clyde deserves a pat on the back for being a most gracious winner.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The World Is Waiting

If you are reading this and have not yet voted, log off your computer, rush to the polls and cast a vote.
If you are tired of the roller coaster Bush has had us on since the Supreme Court appointed him, vote him out.
If you have to wait in line all day, cast your vote.
If you have to hitchhike, get to the polls.
This is the most important election America has ever held.
In a close race, your vote could be the one that decides whether we endure four more years of oppression, secrecy, lies, venomous partisanship and war, or renewed prosperity and a safer, saner country.
In the comments section, tell us you voted.
Lurkers, please delurk for this one day and tell us you voted.

Monday, November 01, 2004

I Am George W. Bush and I Improve of This Ad

My Fellow Americans, I am asking for your vote to be your next president but don't take my word for it, listen to my words from before so you'll know I have licked the learning curveball and mastered the hard, hard work of becoming more of a presidential.
These are quotes from my presidential quotations:

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."

"I didn't join the International Criminal Court because I don't want to put our troops in the hands of prosecutors from other nations. Look, if somebody has done some wrong in our military, we'll take care of it. We got plenty of capability of dealing with justice."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," he said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves."

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than I say more Muslims a lot of Muslims have died I don't know the exact count at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."

"I want to remind you all that I -- in order to fight and win the war, it requires a expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped."

"As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the -- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."

"This is historic times....whether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves.

"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information, outside the administration."

"...that's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."

"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."

"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more—when there's more than talk, there's just actual—a paradigm shift."

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."

"We are on the look. We will reveal the truth. But one thing is certain. No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the Iraqi regime is no more,"

"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace."

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."

"Oftentimes, we live in a processed world—you know, people focus on the process and not results."

"Israel has got responsibilities. Israel must deal with the settlements. Israel must make sure there's a continuous territory that Palestinians call home." (The White House, which late in the day produced a transcript of Mr. Bush's remarks, put the word "contiguous" in parentheses after "continuous," to indicate that "contiguous" was what Mr. Bush had meant.

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."

"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."

"I don't bring God into my life to—to, you know, kind of be a political person."

"Let freedom reign."

Folks, if you elect me your president, together we can make the pie higher. Be sure and vote on November 3 and make it a vote for Bush, and a more encroachable America.