Friday, January 28, 2005

Now They Are After SpongeBob SquarePants?

At least two Christian activist groups said the innocent and hugely popular cartoon character SpongeBob and his best mate Patrick Starfish are being exploited to promote the acceptance of homosexuality.

Influential U.S. radio evangelist James Dobson, among whose top political issues are opposition to same-sex marriage and abortion rights, said last week SpongeBob had been included in a "pro-homosexual video."
"Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary but it crosses a moral line," said Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family.

...And people wonder why so many of the religious right are considered dimwitted.
Honestly, is this all Dobson and his nutty-for-Jesus pals have to think about?
I called my reporter friend Brenda Starr, who hooked us up on her teleconference line to Peppermint Patty.
The three of us think we should get our gay friends Popeye and G.I. Joe to go see Dobson and kick his homophobic ass.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Should I Be Concerned?

I went out in the rain today, planning a quick trip to the store.
On my front porch, nestled in the center of my welcome mat, was a chicken bone.
Looked like a drumstick bone, but without the knobby things on the ends.
I immediately started to wonder if some kind of curadero or voodition had been hired to mess with my juju.
I don't have any enemies. Sure, some people may think I'm an asshole, but I don't think a bad enough asshole to be worthy of hiring a witch over.
Anyone got a hunch about this?
(cue up eerie music)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


My stupid little Sony Ericsson cell phone has decided to stop working.
All I see is a lit-up gray screen, blank except for a little battery icon in the lower right hand corner.
No button I push changes anything- it's just become an expensive little nightlight.
Oh wait! It just came on again.
Never mind.
An Accidental Glimpse

Via The Daily Show, I have accidentally seen some footage of the Bush Coronation.
Apparently his speechwriter got an extra $50 each time he wedged in the word freedom, and $25 for every time he threw in the word liberty.
I cannot believe people actually digest this spiceless pap he serves up as oratory.
That motherfucker has dragged us into a war with no end, destroyed the dollar, dismantled human rights and now he's fucking with Social Security and abortion rights.
I haven't done much political commentary since that black day in November.
I have all but stopped watching and reading the news. I can't stomach the bilious waves of crap coming from the White House, and the mere sight of Bush or his newly liposuctioned wife Blandene makes my head want to explode.
I don't bother arguing with republicans anymore, either. If they knew what they were talking about, they wouldn't support that clown or his crooked minions.
I've been trying to write some topical comedy about the Bush clan, but nothing about this crowd is even vaguely funny anymore.
The best way I can describe the way he makes me feel harkens back to when I was age 11. My mother saw one too many commercials and insisted upon giving me a Toni Home Perm. I emerged looking like a Poodle who had chewed on one too many electrical cords.
Because she wouldn't hear of me having all the kinks sheared off and she was far too frugal to take me to a salon to have a reverse perm, I was simply stuck with the damn thing until it grew out.
But unlike Bush's second term, getting rid of it didn't take four fucking years.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Humor Diversion:
Why This Blog Has Sucked Lately

I promised myself last year if God fell asleep and allowed Bush to finagle another term in office, I'd resurrect my standup comedy career and do my part to publicly reveal what an asshole he is.
Well, God woke up, saw the price he paid for falling asleep on November 7, and started rapidly dropping opportunities into my lap to help me make good on my promise.
First, I met a woman who can turn cat turds into gold nuggets. She decided it was her mission this year to show me how to make a lot more money, and so far whatever voodoo she do has been working.
I have plenty of work to do in writing, making art, and next comes comedy.
I suppose I should publicly thank my (extremely cute) new money coach, but perhaps not give out her real name, so let's just call her Monkey Pants.
I have hired her to be my agent, and to produce my upcoming, one-woman show.
Then, a few weeks ago I was at this great big party and started doing party shtick within earshot of this guy named Oscar. Turns out he owns a performance space, and he offered me a gig right then and there. He said I could do whatever I wanted.
Then I met a set designer who said she was in.
Then my pal Elaine (real name) said she'd do all the graphics for the show's posters, playbills and Internet invitations. She's so good, when I was working as a designer myself I hired her to do my cards. She designed the Pulp Friction logo you see above. She's currently doing international design work for Mazola, Coca Cola and others.
Anyway, this Blog has been dull lately because I have had to spend this month focusing on rebuilding the ways in which I earn money.
In December, I lost my two major clients, leaving me with some chickenshit little writing assignments here and there that would barely cover my American Express bill.
In just three weeks, I have diversified the work I do, hunkered down and managed to cover what I lost last month- and then some.
Now that I am solvent again, I will be spending the next few weeks inventing my very own comedy show.
Yes, it does sort of terrify me, but compared to me showing up at some fucked-up, Bush-backing Texas company and sitting at someone else's desk all day for forty hours a week, it's a relaxing concept.

Now comes your part.
Not to fish for compliments, but if you can recall anything from my archives that made you spit coffee on your monitor, please refresh my memory.
All that pot smoking in the 70's- who knew it would blow my memory 30 years later?
Oh well, at least TV reruns don't bother me.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I Don't Know Why, It Just Is

Ellen DeGeneris dances on her show every day.
I don't know why it's so hilarious to watch, it just is.
She's not a good dancer, but she seems to enjoy it so much it makes her look sort of good while she does it.
Watching her dance makes me less self conscious about my own dancing.
I can slow dance pretty well, but fast dancing confuses me. I get distracted and forget what I was doing. Then I feel like people notice I can't dance and get embarrassed.
The other night I had a friend over and we slow danced together so well, I almost fainted. Okay, I didn't almost faint, but I did forget where I was for a few moments.
I think everyone should slow dance in their living room with someone they like.
Do it tonight.
Let us know how it went and tell us what songs you chose.

Monday, January 17, 2005

MLK, I Miss You

After seeing "Hotel Rwanda" over the weekend and noting today's holiday honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I find myself wondering if the reverend is spinning in his grave over the current American government and its regressive policies toward national and international equal rights and human rights.
Please go see the movie. Today would be a great day for it if you're off work.
This week will also mark the second inauguration of the worst president in modern history, who is squandering 12 million Homeland Security dollars on security for his ridiculously opulent series of celebratory events.
Please remember not to spend one damn dime on January 20. Let's not allow him to believe he's as widely appreciated as he thinks he is.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

U.S. Election Analysis In Two Sentences:

The Democrats' mistake was thinking that a disastrous
war and national bankruptcy would be of concern to the

The Republicans saw, correctly, that the chief concern
of the electorate is to keep gay couples from having

I don't know who wrote this, but hats off to whoever did.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Reviews, Anyone?

Tomorrow I'm planning a movie marathon- hoping to see Hotel Rwanda and Sideways.
Has anyone seen either, and can you give us your take on them?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Answered Prayers

Before I got the diabetes curse, I used to love to drink Jones soda.
The flavor was like I wish soda would have tasted as a kid- very crisp and bright.
And the bottles were totally cool, with fresh photography and clever copy on each label.
Besides the beautiful bright colors the sodas came in, the flavors were amazing: green apple, vanilla cola, chocolate fudge, lemon drop, blue bubblegum, fufu berry, watermelon, MF grape, chocolate fudge, cream soda, berry lemonade, cherry, strawberry lime, crushed melon, orange & cream and root beer.
All full of sugar, and all off limits.
Today I found Jones diet black cherry soda.
I grabbed a carton of four, brought them home, iced them down and waited until I had worked out for a full hour to reward myself with one.
Deelicious. No creepy, fake sugar aftertaste.
I went to their website
and saw they also have sugar free cream soda, root beer and ginger ale. I love all three of those flavors.

Life is good again, as evidenced by the quote I spied inside the bottle cap of my first Jones sugar free cherry soda:
Something truly delightful awaits you.
I glued it to a magnet and stuck it on my fridge.
What's in Your Wallet (or Purse)?

I am curious about what people carry with them at all times.
What items are essential to you as you go from point A to point B? What do you carry your essentials in?
Talk to me, babies.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Am I Going Insane?

I read today that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have separated.
I am not a wild fan of either, but they seem like two nice, decent people.
For some reason, the news made me sadder than it should.
Maybe it's because I had filed them in the happily-married-for-life section, like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.
I am starting to think that marriage should be restructured on a year to year basis, where a couple has to go through some kind of yearly rigamarole to recommit.
For all the hubbub we've had to hear about the sanctity of a union between a man and a woman, heterosexual marriage is starting to look a lot like the no-fault, serial monagamy a lot of us queers practice.
It certainly doesn't seem any stabler than what we do.
I see no moral highground with these breeders.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Art Opening

Last night I attended an art opening. It was part of an event called, "First Friday," where an area near downtown that houses lots of galleries has open houses block after block, craft vendors set up tables and musicians play in the street.
Alas, my friend's opening featured some very sub-par photography.
I didn't mention how homely I thought his stuff was until I spoke to a friend afterwards on the phone and she said, "That stuff really sucked."
I readily agreed.
In San Antonio, art fairs mean one thing: Frida Kahlo. There were at least 50,000 items for sale that featured her visage. Light switch covers, boxes, altars, magnets, portraits, decoupage, journals, you name it and there were the familiar unibrow and light mustache.
Seems in this town, all you need is a picture of Frida Kahlo, some glitter and a bottle of Elmer's glue and you have yourself a career as an artisan.
My favorite art piece from last night was a portrait of Pope John Paul, cuddling with the Virgen de Guadalupe. It went way beyond creepy into downright bizarre.
Then there was a group of nerdy types who had a section roped off where they offered free "encouraging words." My pals Roger, Ted and I got snagged into trying it and we had to stand there while three of them took turns complimenting us.
They said I looked like someone who liked to cook. Once I heard that, I bolted out of the herd and stomped off.
Hrumph. I'll bet they don't say shit like that to skinny chicks.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Jon Stewart 1 Tucker Carlson 0
Martha Stewart 1 Wickedly Perfect 0

A few months ago, "The Daily Show's" host Jon Stewart appeared on CNN's "Crossfire" and told Tucker Carlson his show sucked. He also called Carlson a dick.
Apparently, the honchos at CNN listened and decided to cancel the annoying debate show. In the process, they fired Carlson.
Regardless of one's political bent, those political argument shows are annoying.
People like Mike Novak, James Carville, Tucker Carlson and Bill O'Reilley mostly get paid just to piss people off.
CNN is taking a giant step away from that kind of programming and I salute them. That crap should be contained at one location, Fox News, so most of us can steer clear of it.

Meanwhile, with Martha Stewart locked up and relegated to making origami paper cranes, CBS has launched a horrible new reality show called "Wickedly Perfect," where the arty n' anal retentive set has paired off in teams to out-stewart each other.
I watched an episode last night with the same tentative, guilty interest as I spy a serious car accident as I drive past the wreckage.
Did anyone see the show? Just horrid. Martha Stewart should get immediate probation just to keep crap like that off TV.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Off My Chest

First of all, that boxy little clown car the Scion has to be the silliest looking little piece of crap I have ever seen. What's that made of, aluminum foil? And that name- is it pronounced Sky-on or Sigh-on or what? Sorry- I just hate those ugly little things. They just popped up out of nowhere.

Secondly, Bath and Body Works can kiss my ass.
I am very fussy about fragrances, and a few years ago I found a bath soap I could really love.
It's called bergamot and coriander and it smells like everything I like to smell like. It doesn't clash with my cologne or hair products, so I thought I was all settled regarding aromas I use on my body.
It even smells good on visitors to my shower.
Bath & Body Works stopped making it.
They have an 800 number people can call to complain about discontinued products, but they need a lot of calls to revive one.
So, my fellow Bloggers and dear readers, will you please help me?
Call 1-800-518-3616 and ask them to bring back Bergamot and Coriander bath soap. Tell them the shower gel just won't do, say you want the bars of soap back on the shelves.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Help the Creative Effort?

I am working on a fiction piece and I need some suggestions.
1. I need a good, strong German surname. Nothing too outlandish, something rather familiar but nothing Nazi-ish.
2. I need the name of a 1950s era Hollywood nightclub.
3. I need a name for a murdered nightclub patron. She was a classy lady who danced well but was not a slut. She was murdered by a delusional, jealous neighbor with a snake tattoo on his arm, who used an ice pick.
Sure, I could make up all these things on my own, I just want to involve you guys in my efforts because it sounds like fun.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

What's With the Previews?

Has anyone seen the previews for the upcoming season of "The L Word"?
They have all the actresses dolled up like a bunch of Tammy Faye Bakkers, with thick, exaggerated makeup and outlandish, girly girl haircuts.
The producers of TLW may think they look hot, but they don't look like lesbians.
Even Shawn the butch looks like a trifling strumpet.
It's like dressing the Dukes of Hazzard in Dockers khakis and Ralph Lauren button downs to make them appeal to a broader audience.
It's wrong, I tell ya. WRONG.