Friday, November 30, 2007

Are You Fuckin' Kidding Me?

"KHARTOUM, Sudan (Nov. 30) - Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad..."

Can you believe this bullshit?
I'm all for religious freedom, but this Islamic rule about not depicting the Big Mu in cartoons or drawings or naming teddy bears after "him" is nuts.
What kind of religious prophet would dictate that a dowdy, middleaged school teacher from the UK should be put to death because she let her students name their teddy after this spook?
Why are we at war with people this back-assward?
Had that idiot Bush spent a quarter of the money he's pissed away in Iraq looking for alternative oil resources, we could have told the entire Middle East to blow it out their crazy Islamic asses.
Oh, Oh! But what about Israel, you say?
Bush would still have had enough dough left over to donate a missile system positioned every 10 feet of Israel's borders.
One of the craziest Islamic nations is Saudi Arabia. Their rules and laws rival that of the Sudan. And guess what?
They own Bush.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Gloves Came Off at the GOP Debate

No, Karl Rove wasn't a part of the GOP debate, I just like to think of him as the face of the Republican party. I love his latest whopper-that Congress rushed Bush into war with Iraq. Uncredible!
As for the GOP debate, I was delighted to see Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani going at it like the two little bitches they are.
Plus the topic of what is and isn't torture was instantly smothered by former POW Walnuts McCain- who wisely said the use of torture by Americans against enemies was simply unacceptable.
Again, GOP Ron Paul made the most sense. He's the only true Republican in the race.
If I had to vote for a Republican, he'd be the one.
Most of the rest are just fascist bastards looking to continue the insane policies of Reagan and Bush. P'tooie!
Surprisingly, Baptist Minister Mike Huckabee came off like a gentle soul with deeply ingrained beliefs that clash with some of my own, yet I think he's sincere and consistent. He's sort of a Jimmy Carter type, but the neo-cons and neo-Christians won't nominate him--they like their Christians a lot meaner.

Enough of that.
I am in the midst of television bliss this season.
Project Runway is back with some fabulously lousy designers. Last night's challenge was to design a TV-appropriate outfit for former football player Tiki Barber. Some of the designs were dawg ugly- hilariously so.
Survivor is still plugging along, this time they are in China and the cast is a lot of fun, including a deviously delicious gay flight attendant named Todd Herzog.
Dirty, Sexy Money is a wonderful new show on ABC. Peter Krause from Six Feet Under stars along with Donald Sutherland, Jill Clayburgh and Billy Baldwin.
It's sort of like "Dynasty" without all the civility.
Dancing With the Stars ended this week, with Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves winning the hideous mirrored ball trophy. He beat out Mel B. from the Spice Girls, which I think was a bit of a ripoff because Mel really threw down. At least they finally got rid of the horrid Marie Osmond, whose freestyle performance was hysterically awful. She dressed as a big baby doll and her partner basically dragged her around like a limp dishrag.

The worst show for 2008 had to be HBO's Tell Me You Love Me. It's the saga of an older female sex therapist and the lives of her patients. The casting director should be shot. The male characters are especially unattractive--one has a pointy face, one looks like he has retardation, one needs a good bath, ad nauseam.
The sex scenes contain full-out nudity, including one episode which featured a close up shot of one of the guy's huge red balls as he's mounted atop his fiancee. Ugh.
Plus the kissing scenes have very loud smacking and sucking noises, which is not an attractive sound unless I am making it. I just hate that show.
To make it worse, they have three or four real-life couples (including the token lesbian couple) discuss the show afterwards. I pity the poor men, having to rehash the ridiculous scenes that even Oprah would find too insipid to discuss.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Coming soon!

My take on the GOP debate and (more importantly) the current slate of watchworthy TV shows.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

...And while you're giving thanks this Thanksgiving, please include the tattered remains of the U.S. Constitution and whatever sincere legislators we still have in office after that fascist Bush and his friends launched their bloodless coup d'etat against us back in 2000.

And please give thanks for those former Bush zombies who finally are coming forward to tell the truth about this savage, scofflaw regime.
Another One Squeals Like a Pig

It seems in advance of his book slated to hit the stands in April '08, former Bush SpokesLiar Scott McClellan has leaked a few excerpts. Turns out that Bush, Cheney, Rove and Scooter lied to him and claimed they had nothing to do with the outing of covert CIA Agent Valerie Plame.
Scotty believed them and went forth spewing those lies on their behalf to the unwitting Whitehouse Press Corps.
I wonder if Scotty thinks by saying he was lied to, it will somehow indemnify him against perjury charges after Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald grilled him?
I wonder if this will re-open the investigation and McClellan's modified testimony will seal the deal on Bush, Cheney and Rove?
Before he became president, George Herbert Walker Bush was the CIA Director. When he "served" in that capacity, he said publicly that the outing of a CIA Agent was tantamount to treason.
He was right. Without protecting our nation's CIA agents, our international spy network is compromised.
Valerie Plame's cover was blown and any CIA agent who was associated with her had their cover blown, too.
Treason occurred, and Bush, Cheney and Rove intentionally committed it.

Meanwhile, McClellan either unwittingly lied then, intentionally lied then, or he's lying now. Or just maybe...he's telling the truth now. It's hard to say which BushCo scumbags are honest and which are not. Anyone who'd work for Bush has to be at least a shady character, including McClellan. But he might be telling the truth.

If he is, and let's hope he is, a new Special Prosecutor should be appointed immediately. Bush, Dick and Rove should submit to polygraph testing. If they refuse, that's a telling enough sign to start immediate impeachment proceedings.
Once that's accomplished, they should be tried in court as traitors.

And if the penalty for treason is death, then so be it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Things I Do Not Want for Christmas

Things I Do Not Want for Christmas




1. Everyone loves gummi candy but I draw the line at gummi haggis.
2. While 3-D camo might be a hunter's dream, I prefer to hunt naked.
3. I prefer to do my pole dancing in clubs, not at home.
A Dearth of Good Blogging Material

Sorry folks, I've been leaning into grief and inertia the past couple of weeks and today I realized how important it is to give my readers fresh meat.
Please stay tuned for my first annual, "Things I Do Not Want for Christmas" blog.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Scram, You Stupid Asshole!

Swell. That idiot Bush showed up in San Antonio this afternoon, purportedly to visit mangled Iraqi veterans at the Center for the Intrepid at the Fort Sam Houston Army Post. He didn't mention that the $50 million it cost to build the center came from private donors such as Rosie O'Donnell and other Hollywood lefties.
He did say this, however: "I am pleased to be here in my home state of San Antonio, blah, blah, blah..."
After his cursory 10 minute visit where he had to strain to seem concerned, off he dashed to local lawyer John Steen's mansion to appear at a fundraiser for Republican Senator John Cornyn, another neo-con shitlick. Steen was named by Bush as Chairman of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission- a cushy, Mafia style gig that controls who gets permission to sell alcohol in Texas.
Cornyn is a cross between Alberto Gonzales and Ann Coulter in terms of being obnoxious. As former Attorney General of Texas, he set records in okaying executions.
Anyway, when you crunch the numbers, tax payers picked up the tab for Air Force One, the shitload of Secret Service agents accompanying Bush, and countless SA cops who had to protect the bum as his entourage made the trip from Ft. Sam to the mansion in Terrell Hills to collect a million dollars for Cornyn's campaign.
Yes- we taxpayers probably paid more than $2 million so Bush could scam $1 million out of his criminal cronies here in the state of San Antonio.
Pardon me while I projectile vomit.
My Inspirations

I always wondered what James and Nick did all day while I was at work.
Well, this is pretty much it.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Back to the Snark!

Now that Mama has had her beautiful send-off and life is returning to normal, I have to discuss a new topic that's been gnawing at me for a while now.
The Mormons.
It turns out I am incredibly intolerant of the most intolerant "Christian" religion I can name. You know why they call it the Church of the Latter Day Saints? Because the men think they are saints. No, really.
This recent disgruntlement has been prompted by two things- the CEO at my former job Mr. Schmutz was a pissy little Mormon and so is that phony Mitt Romney.
Both are richer than hell Republicans because they worship MONEY more than anything else. Neither of them gives a shit about people, unless those people are in lockstep with them and accept their authority without question.
Before I made the final decision that I can't stand Mormons, I took the time to read about them on their own web sites. I wanted to be fair.
Here's what I discovered.
1. THEY REALLY DO WEAR MAGIC UNDERWEAR. Yes, they wear special underwear under their real underwear because it gives them x-ray vision, allows them to fly and gives them the power to detect lies. Their magic drawers have all kinds of mystical embroidered patches on them that boost their superhuman powers.
2. When a Mormon man dies, he inherits his very own planet that he populates with his progeny. That's one reason why they multiply like deranged rabbits.
3. A Mormon woman cannot get into Mormon heaven unless the man who owns her (aka her husband) says her secret name upon her death, which is basically a backstage pass issued by Jesus to the woman's owner.
4. Mormons think they are the only Christians who have the inside track with Jesus, therefore they have preferred status in Heaven because they are already saints by the time they get there. Women Mormons don't have the same status, but they are special just by proximity to their saint husbands, kind of like a rock star's roady.
5. They not only think homosexuality is an abomination, they devote entire web pages with messages to Mormon boys cautioning them not to masturbate. They suggest cool showers with the door left ajar, sleeping in pajamas bottoms that are hard to undo, brief time spent on the toilet, singing hymns when the urge to jack off hits, sleeping while holding a small Bible, and consulting with a Mormon Bishop after an unfortunate nocturnal emission occurs.
6. They think sinners (aka non-Mormons) deserve to be taken for all they're worth, using their own vices against them. Take the Mormon owned Marriott hotel chain, for instance. They have no qualms about offering in-room porn movies because they make a mint from it.
7. They pretend that polygamy no longer exists, yet the Mormons basically run the Utah government and tacitly approve of the tens of thousands of practicing polygamists there by refusing to enforce the laws against it.
8. The incidence of statutory rape and incest against young Mormon girls by adult males is as high or higher than the average in the general U.S. population. Same goes for domestic violence.
9. You cannot attend a temple service or even enter a Mormon temple unless you're a member who can prove membership. The hierarchy is so exclusionary and white, older male dominated, even those born into Mormonism can't rise to the highest levels of the church leadership without an invite from the Big Men. They all wear white from top to bottom (shoes included) to exceptions.
10. Women cannot assume leadership positions in the church. They are slightly better regarded than blacks, but not by much.
11. If your child is a Mormon and you are not, you are not allowed inside to witness their temple wedding.
12. Temple weddings are done in large groups, without flowers, music or celebration. Just solemn mumbo jumbo from the old, white men officiating. Ceremonies are very fast and receptions are out of the question. A bride over the age of 21 is considered an old has-been who's lucky to get ANY Morman man to marry her.
13. Mormons are not allowed to swear, drink alcohol or caffeine, no smoking and no close dancing. Even most music is considered sinful. They are encouraged not to socialize with non-Mormons. All that's left for them is marital sex, which they consider a marathon event. A Mormon man with fewer than five kids is considered a real failure, so they fuck themselves silly and breed with their wives until their uteruses fall out. An elderly widower is encouraged to remarry quickly and start breeding immediately.
14. They are chock full of secret handshakes, manly secrets, gibberish code words, covert rites and rituals that make the Shriners and Knights of Columbus look like gossipy blabbermouths.
15. Unless you're a conservative, repressed, white male you simply cannot become an important Mormon. Therefore, your Christian religion and connection to Jesus is negligible at best.
And Mitt Romney has the colossal balls to think he can legitimately sidestep questions about his insane cult membership. Must be his magic underwear that makes him so fucking special.

Friday, November 02, 2007

El Dia de los Muertos

In Mexico and parts of South Texas, Nov. 1 is called el dia de los muertos, or "the day of the dead."
It's the time of year when people honor their dead ancestors by visiting the cemetery, making altars to the dearly departed that contain flowers, their favorite foods, toys, photos, etc.
Mexicans really know how to celebrate their departed loved ones.
Mama's grave site today will be festooned with flowers, helium balloons and other colorful tributes left over from yesterday, in addition to zillions of new floral tributes just for her.
Today also is my mother's mother's birthday, so we figured Mama planned on this day to be interred as a tribute to her mom.
My siblings and I did a lot of pre-planning for this day, so we've had the luxury of adding a lot of little touches at the last minute.
My sister Jan arranged for an opera singer to perform "Ave Maria" at the end. For the "ashes to ashes" part, I mixed up some soil from Bethlehem, sand from a Southern California beach and some dark purple glass glitter.
I think all of my siblings purchased some serious bottles of aged whisky, rum and wine for the wake. A friend of the family produced a fantastic video tribute to Mama that we'll view at the wake.
The funeral is in four hours.
I feel like I'm going to a party celebrating the merry life of my Mom.
I'm in a state of grace this morning, just waiting for the miracles of the day to unfold.

Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Tui, Jesus
Sancta Maria
Mater Dei
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae

See you soon, Mama.