Saturday, November 29, 2008

Very Black Friday

You've all heard by now that a Walmart employee in Long Island, NY was stomped to death by anxious shoppers trying to barge their way into the store when it opened at 6 a.m.
Looks to me like the Walmart people were too cheap to hire extra staff and security to manage the stampede.
I hate all Walmarts, especially the one near my urban house.
Now, I have nothing against illegal aliens or Mexican Americans, in fact I am half Mexican American myself. However, shopping in the country of Mexico is a little too frantic for me. All the jostling, the screaming toddlers, the loud voices and the lack of basic civility offend my basic sense of public behavior.
The Walmart by my house is exactly like a little trip to Laredo, Mexico. The noise level alone makes me want to pop Valium like Skittles.
I can only imagine what Black Friday was like yesterday at that store. With about four employees for every 4,000 shoppers, I imagine getting hold of one of those $800 Samsung 52" plasma TV's they had on sale was a lot like the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
No no, no.
Walmart sells cheap Chinese imports and undervalues its employees. The money saved by shopping there is made off the backs of poor people.
Sure, it's a great place for people of limited means to shop, but anyone above the poverty line should leave the place to those who need it most.
The Long Island police currently are studying store video to try to identify the perpetrators who stomped that man to death. Good luck on that peculiar game of Where's Waldo.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm not even going to drive past my local Walmart until after the holidays are over.
The iSaga Continues

My new iTouch, whom I have named Bad Penny, is still sitting in it's little white Apple bag next to my computer.
She's sort of like adopting a Chinese baby girl who you just know is going to grow up to be brilliant but right now she's got a rash, colic, diarrhea and she's teething.
Okay, okay, I'm sure Bad Penny is fine. It's her adopted Mama who has the problems.
I think I have a touch of ADHD that manifests itself in my utter inability to read directions.
Hell, I've had my car for two years and I'm still not sure what some of the buttons are for. The car has Blue Tooth capacity and I don't even know what the fuck that is. I know it has something to do with wearing a gizmo too close to your brain and goading the tumor gods into action, but what that has to do with a car is beyond me.
Anyway, back to Bad Penny.
Enter my lover-in-law Jilly, my Big Sis's partner of ~50 years. She's like Sonic Hedgehog when you hand her some electronic gizmo. When I brought Bad Penny home to their house the day before Thanksgiving, she got her tiny mitts on it and before I knew it I was watching You Tube's "Charlie Bit Me" on the little screen.
Then we considered trying to load some music, but Big Sis's iTune account smelled fresh meat and tried to commandeer Bad Penny for its own.
I suspect it may have succeeded because when I went to download my own iTune account, Big Sis's playlist appeared.
Hell, I wish I could just steal her playlist but Apple is smart- they don't allow anyone to download their 99 cent songs to any location but the one iPod.
Another thing that worries me about Bad Penny is that I get a little obsessive about things and I just know I'll end up buying 1,000 songs and games and movies from those bastards.
Then once I get it fully loaded, what if I drop it or it wears out or gets stolen or whatever? Do they have batteries? What if they wear out?
Another thing, you gotta get the accessories or else it's like having a Barbie wearing just the one bathing suit she came with.
So next I gotta get the demanding baby a little outfit to wear so she doesn't get scratched. Big Sis is insisting on some icky hard rubber thing but I prefer black leather without the little flap covering her face.
Then I gotta get something called a docking station where you put her in a crib with big speakers on it. And I can't get a shitty one because lousy speakers make for lousy sound.
Then I gotta buy a recharger thing so I can plug it in when I'm not around a computer.
Basically, I cannot hold on to a pair of earrings for more than a week without losing one of them, yet I am supposed to keep track of a little sliver of chrome and glass that's filled with $2,000 worth of music n'shit?
Then I have to completely retool my wardrobe so everything I wear has the requisite pocket to carry her in.
Or I'm sure for the right price I can get her a little holster that clips on.
Buyer beware, that cool ad on TV that shows young people having a blast playing games on their new iTouch does not show them trying to figure out how to get the damn games on there to begin with.
So now I have to clean the house because Milly and Jilly will be here in the morning to show me how to diaper Bad Penny. In addition to being electronics junkies, housekeeping-wise they both make Martha Stewart look like a rutting sow in a mud pond.
I, on the other hand, take a more casual approach to housekeeping. I think exercise equipment and dining room tables make excellent places to store clothing. I think coffee grounds on the kitchen counter give a place that homey look. I think 50 pairs of shoes scattered throughout the home gives it that quaint, lived-in touch. Cat hair makes a great cushion for heavily trafficked carpeted areas.
What's more, Milly and Jilly want to have Sunday brunch at the Neiman Marcus tea room. That means instead of shlepping myself to the local taco joint in my ratty clothes and bed head, I have to find an outfit and "do my hair" before we go.
I tell you what.
After all this effort, when I get to work on Monday with my tricked out iTouch, those little Gen Z punks I work with had better fall to their knees in acknowledgement of my electronic sophistication and superiority.
Just once I'd like to hear one of them say, "Gee Karen, for an old fart you are totally cool."
And I can smile and say, "Yeah, I gotta have all the latest gear, kids. It's just how I roll."

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's New! It's Exciting! It's the All-New iTouch by Apple

Silly, silly, me.
My sister and her partner Thoroughly Modern Milly and Jilly, are richer than shit and always (very modestly) showing me their state-of-the-art electronic shit.
From their iMac to their WiFi to their iPods of all sorts to their fancy phones and flat panel TV's in every room, I got fed up and decided to one-up them the day before Thanksgving.
I went and plunked down more than 300 bucks on an iTouch- the latest in...well, I don't even know what you call the damn things. I just call it the world's most expensive transistor radio--without the radio.
I had to wait to get home to San Antonio to log into and load it up with a zillion songs and movies and games and applications, except for one thing. It requires me to have a WiFi connection and I just barely have DSL. I don't even know what a fucking WiFi connection is.
So, I messed around with the damn little thing and tried my best to load stuff onto it, but I couldn't even load the $50 iTunes gift card I got to go with it.
So I muttered a lot, cussed a bit, then I threw it all back into the bag it came in and I'm going to the Apple Store tomorrow and get my money back.
Well, most of it. They charge a 10% restocking fee.
And the gift card I'll probably just end up giving my sister because I already scratched the code off and fed in into the Apple ethers somehow.
I give up.
I am not electronically inclined, nor will I ever be.
I don't even aspire to be.
I am lucky to have a PC that works, a digital camera I understand and a cell phone. Oh wait, I also have a Blackberry they gave me at work, but all I know how to do on that is dial numbers and occasionally answer it.
I was so eager to become part of the Millenium Generation and show the young pups at work how cool I was with my totally rad iTouch.
Alas, it was too much for me.
Turns out I'm not very cool at all.
Or rad.
I'm just hoping the people who brought us the Jitterbug cell phone (all it does is make and take calls)come up with their version of an iPod. You just turn it on and it plays only 70's and 80's music. Real loud.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I know Rachel Maddow has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, I just think she's hot, and so does every straight female Blogger I know. Enjoy feasting your eyes on her.
For the first time in 8 years, we have something to be truly grateful for--a new president who has intelligence, dignity and superb leadership qualities.
I believe America will start to heal at last.
I'm grateful for my cool family. We all get along and have fun together, so that's where I'll be on Turkey Day.
I wish all of you a safe and happy holiday.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Obama Drama? Oh, Just Cut It Out

For Christ's sake media, we know you're bored but must you create drama where none exists?
All this prattle about Hillary bringing drama into the no drama Obama camp is bullshit.
The sexist media has portrayed Hillary as the ultimate Alpha Dog, but if they'd just pause and consider the facts, they'd have to reconsider.
Does anyone here think Bill Clinton was the Beta Dog when he was president? Hell, he got caught cheating like a lowlife scumbag and Hillary stayed with him.
As a freshman senator, we all know Hillary won the respect of members on both sides of the aisle by being humble, asking questions and working very hard for her constituents.
Obama is a total Alpha Dog.
So Alpha is he, he's secure enough in his leadership he was able to hire Hillary without any threat to his Alphaness.
You recall the primaries, where he stomped the mighty Clinton machine into the dust?
Good, that helps illustrate my point.
Sure the Clintons have created their share of drama in the past, but when you think about it, Bill was the true creator, not Hillary.
The media needs to wake up and find some real news.
Rather than admitting Obama made an excellent choice for Secretary of State, all this so-called drama about Hillary is media-created and divisive.
Don't fall for that crap.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

What Would You Choose For Your Last Meal?

I came across an article where researchers interviewed a bunch of prisoners and asked what their last meal would be.
Funny thing, asking people what their last meal would be and what three CD's they'd take if they were stranded on a desert island are my two favorite small-talk questions.
The prisoners frequently opted for fried chicken, burgers, ice cream, mashed potatoes and other comfort foods. Ho hum.
I have several last meal menues, but I think I'd end up selecting an amuse-bouche of seared ahi tuna with black sesame seeds in a light teriyaki glaze.
The entrees would be panko-crusted colossal gulf shrimp in a lemony butter sauce, a fresh Maine lobster tail and a filet mignon.
Sides would be a fully stuffed baked potato, just-picked corn on the cob and fresh green peas. For dessert I'd have creme brulee, warm apple crisp with a lot of cinnamon and fresh whipped cream, and a slice of flourless warm chocolate cake with a fresh raspberry coulis.
And what the hell, they could throw in some Oreos, too.
My beverages would be a 1971 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, a 1978 Wente Brothers Arroyo Seco Reisling, a bottle of Mumm's red stripe champagne, a glass of cold whole milk and an icy cold bottle of Canadian Music glacier water.
Then I'd finish it all off with a cup of freshly ground Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, a nice snifter of 100-year-old cognac and a big Cuban cigar.
Now, use your imaginations and tell me what you'd select.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

We Are in Trouble
A blogatorial by Karen Zipdrive

First the good news.
George Bush and the Republicans whose insane, corrupt policies drove this mess we're in are on the way out.
Now the bad news.
The same hapless group of Republicans already are blaming President Obama for the recession we're in.
Now, more good news.
Nobody believes anything those crooked bastards say anymore.
Barack Obama, to his credit, must have the confidence of a super hero to want the job of presiding over this critically ill economy.
The pundits on the right already are second guessing his cabinet choices, saying he's selecting a lot of the usual Washington DC insiders and therefore not implimenting all that change he spoke about on the campaign trail.
Fortunately, when Pat Robertson and Joe Scarborough and that crowd opine about anything, we can rest assured they are full of shit, as usual.
Still, make no mistake about it, it took the GOP more than eight years to run this country into the ditch, and it'll take President Obama more than four years to reverse the damage.
The good news is, people trust him to make sound decisions.
People believe in him.
And most important of all, I believe people in America are ready, willing and able to pitch in and help in any way they are asked.
President Obama, just tell us what you need us to do to help and we will. Just don't expect us to like Joe Lieberman ever again.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Palin: Thanksgiving Schlimazel

Hoo boy.
It seems publicity hungry Sarah Palin decided she'd appear in Wasilla and pardon the turkey (Hey...I thought only presidents did that!)
Anyway, being without the savvy national Repugnican PR flaks at her beck and call, apparently nobody bothered to check the background scene as she gave her chipper seasonal interview to the media.
She may have pardoned some turkey, but it must not have been either of the gobblers getting beheaded in the background.
I loved how she said she'd probably end up being criticised for this "fun event"--just as one turkey's head was being removed.
And the ending was classic.
After going through the cliche pardoning of the turkey, she said she was in charge of roasting the turkey for her family this Thanksgiving.
Sheesh! Remind me not to ask for a gubernatorial pardon in Alaska. I wouldn't want to end up with little Piper gnawing at my drumsticks.
What Goes Around Comes Around

Girls and Boys, if you don't play nice on the playground and you bully others, they will wait until the whole wide world is watching and really make you feel like the sniveling, revolting, slimy son of a bitch you really are.

Kudos to FranIAm for the hot tip!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

My name is Mark Begich and I just beat convicted felon Ted Stevens in the Alaska Senate race.
But even better, I have successfully derailed Sarah Palin's plans to take Steven's seat and sneak into the U.S. Senate so she can jump start her presidential aspirations.
Now she's gotta bundle up and stay in her drab governor's office and pretend to work on boring Alaskan stuff like funding a pipe dream--uh, pipeline nobody can afford.
Gone will be the media attention, the adulation of thousands and the free designer threads.
Now she's back to being plain old Sarah. Whee!
Sorry, Sarah.
I wish I could stay a bit longer to help you dry your tears, but I got a Senate hearing I have to get to. As in a U.S. Senate hearing.
We Interrupt The Bitching to Bring You...

Aren't they cute?
Every time I see their pictures I feel good about these two sweet little girls who get to live in the White House with their parents and their grandma.
Obama brings to office so many great symbols of hope, but even for an old curmudgeon like me, these two kids bring the most.
It's going to be fun watching them grow up.
You gotta wonder what they'll become as adults with the pedigrees they were born with. It makes me look forward to being an old lady one day. You?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Christopher Hitchens: Twit, Slob & Asshole

I keep forgetting how much I loathe the terminally stuffy, arrogant, so-called "intellectual" pundit/gasbag that is Christopher Hitchens.
Then I see him on TV or read some pithy article he's written and I am reminded just how much of a prick I think he is.
I don't just randomly pick people to dislike; they have to earn it, and Hitchens has.
He's one of those guys who always seems to argue the opposite side just to get attention. He used to be a liberal, then a conservative, now he's all over the map. I think he's just a sour guy who'd rather argue than breathe.
Here are some of his infamous quotes:
On Barack Obama: in September he referred to Obama as "vapid, hesitant and gutless" and "a dusky Dukakis."
He actually supported Obama, yet he said that?
On Bill Clinton, he referred to him as "a rapist and a liar."
He's good buddies with Paul Wolfowitz and Ahmed Chilabi.
He supported George W. Bush in the 2004 election.
He's written articles dogging (among others) Mother Teresa, Michael Moore, Ambassador Joe Wilson and Cindy Sheehan.
His statements about Hillary Clinton have been so damning and outrageous, I'm surprised she hasn't sued him for slander and libel.
I realize a lot of well-educated, expatriate Brits have issues with alcoholism and misogyny like Hitchens and Andrew Sullivan, but why do they have to come to America and peddle their flip flopping, mushy brained thoughts and philosophies?
Who gives a shit what an old, frumpy drunk Englishman thinks?
I say we should get him liquored up, tie him up (he'd probably love that) put him on a plane back to England and let them keep him.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Am Addicted to This Show

I am not one of those spooky types who loves to read Anne Rice and thinks about vampires and shit like that.
However, HBO's new series, "True Blood" is just as good, if not better than Alan Ball's first HBO series, "Six Feet Under."
From the evil-tinged rockabilly theme song to the mossy Louisiana landscape and the superstitious, swampy attitude that more or less defines residents of the state, the people who put this show together are masters at suspense, shock and story telling.
Having experienced for myself what I think may have been an inadvertent exposure to voodoo/bad juju on my last trip to New Orleans, weird shit happens in Louisiana and it is the perfect venue for a series about vampires.
Have you seen it?
Isn't it deliciously macabre?
I wanna do bad things with you... Eeuuwww, how creepy-cool is that song?
Two Yummy Progressives

Bill Mahar touched on this last night when he mentioned how cool it was once again to be an American.
He's right!
No major nation on Earth has had the moxie and wisdom to elect a super cool, smart black dude as president.
Hey Germany, Great Britain, Canada, France, Italy, Spain, Greece, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China and all of you others, where's your cool black guy?
Oh, that's right, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.
Yes, the same country that brought the world automobiles, telephones, electricity, the Internet, the personal computer, Levis, hamburgers, pizza, the Clapper, microwave ovens and ATMs has now cast off our unfortunate association with stupid, backward Republicans in government and replaced them with Barack Obama and his ultra cool wife Michelle.
We are back, motherfuckers, and we are cool again!
Even our new wave of pundits are super cool.
Take Rachel Maddow, Ph.D and her yummy butch lesbian outiness.
Even straight guys are popping wood for this smart and funny cable news dyke.
And when she's interviewing Arianna Huffington, another brainy, progressive, former Republican who woke up and came into the light--can it get any better?
Let's face it, Obama is bringing America's greatness back into the limelight again. No more need to sew Canadian maple leaf patches on our luggage when we travel overseas, we are cool Americans that even the French can love again.
Everything the founding fathers created when they defined America is coming true again.
We are a nation of inclusiveness.
We are free thinkers.
We are capable of learning from our mistakes and rebounding with change every intelligent global citizen can appreciate.
All we have to do now is stop the war in Iraq, create a new breed of reliable cars that run on air, stabilize the economy, clean up the environment, redistribute wealth so we can restore the middle class, educate our children better, provide universal health care, rebuild our crumbling infrastructure and remove tax loopholes and laws that allow the mega-rich and bloated corporations to avoid paying their fair share in taxes. Plus we need to allow all adult citizens the right to marry anyone they choose and we'll be golden.
Oh, and we also need to re-separate church and state, but how hard can that be when the laws already exist?
As an open-minded country, we gave the radical right-wing conservatives and religious crackpot fundamentalists a chance to rule and they did a lousy job of it.
Now it's our turn again.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Obama's No Idiot

Many people say Hillary Clinton's dogged performance in the Democratic primaries prepared President Obama for the general election; if he could get past her he could get past anyone.
When the dust settled and she climbed aboard Obama's campaign, she relentlessly spoke on his behalf and effectively neutralized the token woman on the other side of the race.
Having determined just how worthy an opponent and valuable an ally she can be, isn't she the kind of intelligent, tenacious person who'd do well as his Secretary of State?
I think so.
I believe that Obama truly is No Drama Obama.
He even suggested the rift with Democratic turncoat Joe Lieberman be healed.
I've studied the photos of Obama standing beside Hillary as she stumped for him and I saw many gestures of affection between them. I think they admire one another.
Try as they might, critics of Hillary and Bill have failed to diminish their value to the party and the nation.
I believe Hillary would make a fine Secretary of State.
How do you feel about it?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Just In Case I Haven't Already Weighed In

We all know how Joe Lieberman jumped ship and did everything but publicly suck McCain's dick on the campaign trail.
Now there's talk about the Democratic caucus lightly tapping him on the wrist for saying so many horrendous things about President Obama during the campaign, then letting him continue on as if nothing ever happened.
We know, we know, the closer the Democrats get to the magic 60 members in the Senate, the better off they are because those GOP fuckleheads can't filibuster them into another era of hopeless deadlocks.
But, really, do the Democratic Senators have to kowtow to a slimy, slanderous traitor? They may not only lobby to keep him as a Democrat, some of them actually want to let him keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security committee. What?
He promised to investigate Katrina fuck-ups, among other things, yet he sat there without doing shit--just like Bush told him to do.
I Say No.
The Democrats need to throw him out on his ass. Let him be a Republican, who cares? It's not like he was ever a loyal Democrat anyway, at least not while Bush was president.
Joe Lieberman cannot undo the sniveling things he did to help McCain try to get elected.
He cannot undo his continued campaigning for Republican senators still in close races.
He is unrepentant.
He screwed all Democrats, including those of us who donate money to our party and its candidates.
He didn't even win re-election in Connecticut as a Democrat, he ran as an independant after the Democrats refused to back him.
Now they want to back him by keeping him in the fold?
It's like letting a drunk who crashed your car use your other car while the one he crashed is in the shop.
I have two words for Lieberman, and the second one is "you."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Call Me Heartless, But...

I have owned exactly one American car in my lifetime. It was a brand new 1971 Ford Pinto my dad got me when I was a senior in high school.
By my second year of college, it was a beat up piece of crap with a bad engine and parts (like the headlights) that fell off at will. The mechanic advised me to get rid of it that week, if not sooner. I did, and I've never bought American since then.

Now comes the U.S. auto industry, whining about going bankrupt and wanting the taxpayers to bail them out.
Gee, it's such a coincidence that poorly made cars and huge, gas guzzling trucks and SUV's aren't selling so well these days.
Who wouldn't prefer a plastic and tin foil Dodge Neon over a Toyota Corolla? Duh.
Nah, the U.S. Auto Industry has had decades to bring up the level of American-produced autos to Japanese and European standards. They haven't because of what? Greed? Laziness? Poor management? All the above?
When you can explain to me why Honda and Toyota can have their autos built on American soil and maintain their standards, yet GM, Chrysler and Ford cannot, then I'll get behind bailing them out.
Yeah, yeah, the collapse of the big three will destroy towns like Detroit, right? Anyone been to Detroit lately? They have a 75% school dropout rate and other signs of total demise.
You want to save jobs without bailing out shitty American car companies?
Let the Big Three go belly up and sell their plants to Toyota, Honda and Nissan. Hire and retrain American auto workers to their higher production standards.
End of story.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Couple of Things About President Obama

First of all, let's forget about calling him "President-elect Obama." He's already more presidential than his predecessor ever dreamed of being, and I think he deserves the honorarium now, not in late January.
Second, I watch MSNBC or CNN for several hours per day and I've heard too many right-wing GOP meat puppet/pundits opine about " Obama had better play to the center or even the right center in his opening act as president if he expects to blah, blah, blah..."
Oh yeah?
What do those yammering windbags know? Do you think four years ago they were on TV cautioning Bush not to play too far to the right-wing, fundamentalist wingnuts? I think not.
As much as I watched Bush like a hawk for the last eight years, I can't really name off-hand what he did the first year of his first term. I know it was bad, I just can't name anything specific he did that first year.
President Obama should do whatever the hell he wants in year one of his presidency.
Unlike Bush, he actually has a lot of political capital he should spend freely in his first year.
The right-wing pundits will vilify him for every minuscule misstep they perceive anyway, so why should he concern himself with what those partisan naysayers think? The majority of Americans trust his patriotism, his intellect and his decisiveness, so I think he should shoot for the stars from day one.
He's getting off to a great start from what I hear. He's planning to review every one of Bush's executive orders and trash the stupid ones (which will likely be most of them).
Anyone object to that? I didn't think so.

Today on NPR I heard a segment about noted racist David Duke discussing his "European American Unity and Rights Conference" (Heil Hitler!) held on Nov. 7-9 in Memphis.
His quotes about President Obama were too ignorant to repeat here, but suffice it to say his racism has definitely been inflamed by having a Black man in the White House, doing something other than cleaning it.
Let's take a recent look at David Duke:

Are you trying to tell me this guy is an All-American heterosexual Christian whose only raison d'etre is ensuring the rights and fair treatment of "European Americans"?
If I know anything, I know when I see a closeted gay man who loves big Black cock so much he feels guilty about it and behaves like such a contrary jackass as a result.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
It must be killing the radical right racists in America to see the rest of us rejoicing in Obama's landslide election.
They don't see his intellect, his calm, measured demeanor, his superb education or even his exemplary role as a husband and father. They see a nigger, set out to ruin America.
As someone old enough to have lived through the assassinations of JFK, RFK and MLK, I worry a lot about violent, evil racists like David Duke stirring up his ilk and prompting them toward violence, against all people of color and especially toward President Obama.
If Bush accomplished anything, he did manage to create an environment of uber-security for the president. No open motorcades, no large public venues without careful scrutiny of all attendees, no public jogging or other activities where a nut with a gun would be tempted to pick him off.

President Obama is beloved. He's wildly popular with sane people. The rest of the world even shares our joy.

There are Americans out there with more guns than brains. They value their anger and racism more than the God they claim to worship. In fact, sales of automatic weapons and ammunition have dramatically increased since the election results were called.
Let's just hope that President Obama takes a cue from paranoids like Bush & Cheney and keeps himself and his family surrounded with more security than he thinks they'll ever need.
No matter how crazy and violent he might think the radical right is, multiply that by a thousand and I think it'd present a more accurate estimate.

We are excited to finally have an inspirational president again. We as Americans have to do all we can to make racists like Duke so utterly unpopular and rebuked, it'll give all racists pause.
It's no longer a time to endure the racists among us with silence and civility. They have to be called on it and we have to be as bold as they are rude and ignorant.
Do you agree?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Transfer of Power Begins Today

Heh, heh, heh.
The media is all abuzz about the Obamas going to the Whitehouse today to meet the Bushes and take the tour of their new residence.
Media people are speculating about Bush still being sore at Obama about all his campaign speeches describing Bush's failed policies, etc.
Are they kidding?
Bush is at heart a fratboy, and therefore impermeable to name calling and insults.
I think Bush will be giddy with excitement today as he shows off the Whitehouse.
He'll giggle while showing Obama his Oval Office desk drawer filled with stink bombs, cigarette loads, whoopie cushions, rubber barf and dog turds.
Bush can take Obama to the kitchen and show him how many gallons of ice cream the freezer will hold. He'll pat Whitehouse Chef Christeta Comerford on the butt and say, "For a Filopena, I tell ya what, this gal makes a mean pot of Texas chili. Your people like chili, don't they Barry?"
He can show him the office supply cabinet and remind him that it's all free stuff, therefore great for stocking stuffers.
He can show him the Lincoln bedroom, and whisper that it's not actually the same mattress as Lincoln used.
He can take him down to the basement bowling alley and joke about how Black people don't bowl.
Then, at the end of the tour, Bush can get all serious and hand over his small metal box containing a dozen 3x5 cards.
"You'll need this, Barry. It's got all my secrets for acting presidential."

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Back to Reality

Wow, she's back to wearing her Alaska Walgreen's 3/$20 hoodie and having to carry around that prop grandson of hers.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't never birthed no babies myself, but I've held a lot of them and...aren't you supposed to support their little heads?
Poor, poor Sarah.
Having been exposed as a money-sucking grifter, she's gonna find it more difficult to skim money off the Alaskan taxpayers for incidentals like a stylist, 5 star hotels and couture fashions.
No more crushing paparazzi and daily front page stories in the national press media.
Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson have no more interest in interviewing her, now that she's back to being the Governor of a remote state with a population fewer than Santa Fe.
Now she's back to this:

Sigh. After the homespun "welcome home" display of inexpensive balloons and the little banner in her office are cleaned up and thrown away, she's back to sitting at her desk, beholding the love seat with the taxidermied dead bear draped over it.
It's over, princess.
The Republicans have used you and discarded you like a snotty, mascara-stained tissue.
Back to being Governor of Methlandia. Back to eating moose stew and shopping at the consignment shop. No more stretch limousines, baby, climb back on the back of Todd's snow machine and ride off into Alaska's 23 hours of winter darkness.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Bush Deserves Another Parting Gift
An Open Letter by Karen Zipdrive

Dear President Bush:

After eight years of incredible service to the country, we believe that you're probably very tired and ready to go back to Crawford and relax.
Why, even your dog Barney is tired and it made him cranky enough to bite a reporter yesterday.
We all know President-elect Obama is wasting no time in assembling a staff, so really--it's okay if you go ahead and leave office immediately.
He's got it.
Sure, you're leaving him with quite a few loose ends like the pesky budget crisis, two wars, record deficits and a world that hates us, but it's okay. You did your best, right?
Maybe you can get a jump start on writing your autobiography, huh? While it's true the president of Knoph Books said they'd pass on the project, there are plenty of other publishers out there who'd love to take you on as a new author.
All you have to do is get on the Internets and use teh Google to find some. Ask Jenna, she published a book, didn't she?
Also, there must be piles and piles of brush to clear on the ranch. It'll be even more fun without the paparazzi bugging you while you rev up the chain saw and start to choppin.'
We know you'll probably be putting the ranch up for sale now that you no longer need it to project your cowboy image, so wouldn't it be great to get a jump start on curb appeal?
And counting those bags of cash you'll soon be getting from Halliburton, Pfizer and all the oil companies will take months. Wouldn't you like to get to it now rather than waiting until late January?
It's okay, President Bush.
It's okay to pack up the White House silverware and the throw rugs Miss Beasley peed all over and get going.
Let us know if you need help packing, m'kay?
Seriously. It's time to run along now.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Whoo-eee! I Smell Moose Roasting

I knew the GOP would start the blame game the minute McCain lost the election, but I didn't know they'd pile on Sarah Palin quite as heartily as they have.
I know by now nearly everyone has read the details, but I cannot resist rehashing them.
News of her appearing out of the shower in a towel when male McCain staff came to her hotel room to discuss strategy was especially delightful--that's a trademark Borderline Personality move. Classic!
Then the description a McCain staff member gave of her shopping sprees: "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast." Hillbillies?!? Can it get any funnier?
Seems they originally told her to go out and buy three suits and hire a stylist, but instead she went on a spree for her whole family of grifters, "spending tens of thousands more than the $150,000 originally reported."
She even had staff members put some of the purchases on their personal credit cards, for which they are now seeking reimbursement from the RNC. What, the Palins have no credit cards of their own? Hillbillies indeed!
And predictably, some of the purchased clothing now has been reported as "lost" (insert gales of laughter here).
Besides soaking the party for a family shopping spree of a lifetime, it seems disgruntled McCain staffers also have leaked that Palin didn't know Africa was a continent, nor could she name which three North American countries comprise NAFTA. I bet they even spotted her "America" and let her look at a map.
We've all heard by now that McCain came to deeply regret his hasty choice of a running mate, but now we know he could barely stand to speak to her.
When she asked to make a farewell speech on the night McCain made his concession speech, McCain campaign strategist Steve Schmidt told her thanks, but no thanks. Well, I made that last part up. I'm sure it was more like, "Fuck NO!"
Some lightweight broadcast "journalists" have asked Palin about her plans for a 2012 run for president, allowing her to be coy, bat her eyelashes and stop just short of poking her finger into an imaginary dimple and winking.
My dilemma is this.
How will I deal now with people who tell me they still like her?
Is it okay to tell them they are gullible, ignorant AND stupid, or should I just pick one option?
Would slapping them be too much?
How about pointing at them and bursting out in a great guffaw?
I know, the rank and file RNC hates the bitch by now and there's no way they'll let her get on the 2012 ballot, but I still cannot resist the urge to trash her as often as possible.

On some other blog comments boxes, I have opined and been charged with being bitter and unable to get over it and move on. "You act as if your candidate lost," one said. "Calling Palin a cunt is wholly inappropriate," another said.
I guess they think Bush's sudden amiability toward President-elect Obama and McCain's humble concession speech should make all of us accept them and let bygones be bygones.
Oh, I'll get over it and soften in due time, I'm sure.
I think that having to endure eight years of Bush and nearly two years of campaign invective and vitriol from the Republicans should allow me to stay angry for--oh, say a full year after Obama is sworn in and takes office.
I really doubt the GOP will rise to the challenge of restoring bipartisan dignity and civility for which Obama has already set the example.
Just today they were bitching about Obama selecting Rahm Emanuel as his Chief of Staff, like it's their fucking business.
The last eight years have intensified the dislike I have for Republicans. Unless they can start conducting themselves like respectable civil servants, people like me will always be around to poke them with a sharp stick.
Besides, Sarah Palin IS a cunt!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

So Very Sweet

My big brother Billy is a Texas Good Ole Boy who loves to fish, drives a pick-up truck, owns a couple of guns and rifles and wears a baseball cap all the time.
But unlike typical Texas Good Old Boys, he's a die-hard Democrat and avid environmentalist.
Well, I've only ever seen or heard of Billy crying three times.
Once when my Mother died. Once when the final episode of "Roots" aired. Then he called me this morning to tell me he cried last night when he heard President-Elect Obama's speech.
I think, like Billy, we all share a sense that Obama is everyones' strong new daddy who's here to make sure we're taken care of and protected. We feel relieved.
Unlike most politicians, I trust this man. I respect his judgment. And I think his calm demeanor and intellectual depth will lead us out of the quagmire Bush and his allies created.
Hey Billy!
I cried, too.
The Secret Diary of Osama Bin Laden

Oh, Allah has failed me (may we bow to his supremacy with great humility and disguise disappointment with long beard)!
The Saudi Royal Bandarbush had called my cellular telephone and assured me that infidel JohnMcCainbush was definite to win president US and therefore the Georgebush order of my protection would be continue.
Now this horrible Barack Hussein Obama president the fake Muslim (may Allah be blessed with 10,000 underage virgins for striking him with testes heavy like bull camel) might likely send in actual evil infidel US Army soldiers to find me at Pakistani Hilton and kill me until I no longer live to serve Allah (may He be blessed with 1,000 feather mattresses for sacred tent).
Silly US people think evil Muslim imposter Obama as "liberal" but I think he pretend to be liberal and kindly but really those types will take up sharpened s'aif sword and plunge into my heart with mona lisa woman smile on placid man face.
And he is shrewed he would take TV infidel who lay with women Rachel Maddow to make video pictures of my murder and show it on the TV cable in infidel american cable TV primetime.
Allah please (may you detect my panic by noticing my soiled robes) help me!
Imagine feather in fez Obama would get by showing up in the Congress US with my severed head on a stick!
Even the red state rightwings with the cow skull on belt buckles and pick it trucks with big tires would proclaim with glee my demise!
Please mighty Allah (may you be blessed with Humvee fleet dipped in gold)call upon georgebush to sue the US supreme court to make the votes cast for the evil infidel Hussein Obama not count and to make himself president again so I may be safe.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

In the Spirit of Sportsmanship...

It would be so easy right now to gloat and say rude things to these fine Republicans who tried their best in this grueling campaign season.
No, I am better than that.
All these people claim to love America and want what's best for her, and that's really all that matters, right?
Liars, snakes and snivelers deserve no sympathy.
Therefore, suck it, losers. All y'all can kiss my liberal, lesbo ass.
The party's over, creeps.
You lost.
Get over it.
Our Long National Nightmare is Over.

Thank God.
Thanks, But No Thanks.

Vote Obama Today.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Madelyn Payne Dunham 1922-2008

Ma'am, though you passed away one day before the election, think of how popular you'll be in Heaven when you arrive and tell all your friends who passed before you that your grandson is the new President-elect.
My mom passed away a year ago last week.
Please look her up and give her a high 5. She would have voted for your grandson, too.
You helped raise a very good man. Thank you, and Godspeed.
The Boss Says, "You Better Vote!"

I am cautiously giddy at the prospect of Obama winning tomorrow's electoral votes by a large margin.
Of course the racist governments of racist states are doing all they can to suppress the vote, but I somehow doubt they'll get by with it.
People are hip to those who wish to tamper with the poll results, and I'm sure the media is hungry for news of this sort.
Please vote, even if you're in a blue state that's bound to go for Obama.
Please vote, even if you're in a red state that could surprise you.
We will look back on this as the election of a lifetime. Please be a part of the revolution and vote.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Did You Vote Yet?

Where did you vote?
Was it crowded?
Who'd you vote for? Why?
Let's discuss, but first go vote.

Thank you.