Friday, July 31, 2009

Gay Rick Perry



HAHAHAHA!
Those of you outside Texas may think of Texas Governor Rick Perry as the clown who said Texas may reserve its right to secede from the nation because of Obama's bail-out plan.
We in Texas think of him instead as the closeted gay butch bottom who was rumored to have been caught by his wife Anita in bed with a dude.
Now, get this--Republican Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison is running against Gay Rick for Governor.
Hutchison, whose huge balls would likely make Perry's anal sphincter twitch in appreciation, has been caught in a website mini scandal.
Seems her webmaster included search terms about Perry which included two or three "Rick Perry Gay" references.
Way to Go, Kaybee!
Is it wrong to out a closeted gay man?
Not when it's a man in power who consistently speaks and acts out against gay marriage and other civil rights.
Nope, Gay Rick has damaged gay rights because he's a self-loathing, closeted prick who puts his psychological fuckeduppedness ahead of all others.
I'm no fan of Kay Bailey, but getting her out of the U.S. Senate and putting her in the governor's chair while putting Rick the Prick out to pasture is not the worst thing that could happen to Texas.
Not to mention the fact that Kay Bailey with her hackles up and Rick the Shrill Bitch Queen clawing at each others' faces will make fantastic political comedy.
Are you listening, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews?

Anyway, Google users, here are some great new search terms:
Gay Rick Perry
Is Rick Perry Gay?
Governor Perry is so gay!
Queen Rick Perry
Rick Homo Perry
Rick Perry caught in bed with male
Perry Loves Cock
Gay Texans for Perry
Perry the Fairy
Perry a hairdresser?
Perry a Total Hairdresser

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

If It's Tuesday, It Must Be
The Weekly GOP Cheater!



This week we give you Sen. Paul Stanley, a Tennessee lawmaker who resigned from the state Senate today after his extramarital affair with a 22-year-old intern was revealed by an investigation into an extortion case.
"Due to recent events, I have decided to focus my full attention on my family and resign my Senate seat effective August 10," Republican Stanley wrote in his resignation letter.

Whew, I was getting worried.
It was already noon on Tuesday, and no cheating GOP bastard was in sight. Finally this afternoon, our unzipped GOP scoundrel of the week has emerged.
The Party of No is quickly becoming the Party of 'Ho.

Thanks, Paul. Hope it was worth it, you miserable Tennessee cracker.
Much, Much Better



MSNBC's Mornin' Joe is so much better without Joe Scarborough on it.
Mika is smarter, the set is calmer and the guests are allowed to speak without that douchebag interrupting and injecting his neo-con horseshit.
Baseball had its Shoeless Joe. We should demand a Joeless Show.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Announcing My New Blog



To the right you'll find a link to Karen Zipdrive's Food, my brand new blog, just born today. Please check it out and tell me in the comments what you think.
The photo above is the wall of BigSis and her partner My Sharona's kitchen. Little did they know, that wall was the only area in the kitchen that wasn't going to be covered with mise en place on Saturday, when we gathered to cook a birthday feast for our MidSis.
Anyway, come see the new blog and see how you like it.
Bon appetit!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Foodie Weekend



BigSis and I are ganging up this weekend to make a birthday feast for MidSis.
I'm thinking of photographing what we make to use in a new foodie blog.
Like that idea?
I need some suggestions for what to call the new blog. Will you please help?
I'd detail the menu now, but MidSis sometimes reads Pulp Friction and I don't want to spoil the surprise.
Suffice it to say, it'll be good.
;)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Karen Zipdrive Breaks Down Health Care



I rarely quote my father because he's a crusty old racist Republican warmongering white guy with a closed, narrow mind.
But, years ago when I was a teen, he said, "Whenever you go to a huge city and see the skyline, the tallest buildings will usually be insurance companies because they are the richest, crookedest bastards there are."
Dad was right.
Now we have a president who's trying to find a way to provide health care for all Americans, and opposing him are Senators and Congress Representatives who receive millions of dollars in contributions from insurance companies--the richest, crookedest bastards there are.

Here are all the facts you need to know:

(Reuters) - The United States spends more on healthcare than any other country in the world but has higher rates of infant mortality, diabetes and other ills than many other developed countries.

Here is a comparison of the United States' healthcare costs versus those of selected other countries in 2006:

UNITED STATES: 15.9 pct of GDP, $6,657 per capita

BRAZIL: 7.9 pct of GDP, $371 per capita

CANADA: 9.7 pct of GDP, $3,430 per capita

CHINA: 4.7 pct of GDP, $81 per capita

FRANCE: 11.1 pct of GDP, $3,807 per capita

GERMANY: 10.7 pct of GDP, $3,628 per capita

INDIA: 5.0 pct of GDP, $36 per capita

ISRAEL: 7.9 pct of GDP, $1,533 per capita

JAPAN: 8.2 pct of GDP, $2,936 per capita

MEXICO: 6.4 pct of GDP, $474 per capita

SOUTH AFRICA: 8.7 pct of GDP, $437 per capita

SWEDEN: 8.9 pct of GDP, $3,598 per capita

RUSSIAN FEDERATION: 5.2 pct of GDP, $277 per capita

UNITED KINGDOM: 8.2 pct of GDP, $3,064 per capita

(Source: The World Bank)

And don't get me started on health stats- America is about 16th on the list, behind Morocco.

It's pretty simple, really.
We don't have to spend that much unless we want to keep forking over our money to the richest, crookedest bastards there are.
They need to lower their rates and eliminate loopholes.
They need to compete with the Feds--a not-for-profit organization.
It's okay if Big Insurance makes a profit, they just need to do it legally and stop fucking American consumers.

Anyone who tells you America does not need drastic healthcare reform is either:
1. A politician who's in the pocket of big insurance companies
2. An idiot
3. A Party of No member (GOP)
4. Against anything Obama is for because they are partisan racists
5. Heartless and selfish
6. All of the above
Texas Secession? Idiots Abound.



Yesterday I was having lunch by myself at a little taco joint near my house.
Two good old boys and a chick came in and sat down at the next table. Presumably they worked together in some blue collar trade.
The largest one had his back to me, but with his shirt festooned with trout, his baggy shorts and walrus mustache, I was alerted to his potential redneck status.
Sure enough, he was a loud talker and his chosen topic was the viability of Texas seceding from the nation.
"Yeah, the first thing we'd do is get rid of the unions," he bellowed.
"Then we'd get rid of welfare and all the govermint giveaways."
He went on a few minutes more, and I began to scowl and grit my teeth.
By the time I finished my lunch, I figured since he was talking loud enough for the whole place to hear him, it would be okay for me to voice my opinion on the way out the door.
I revved up my best redneck drawl, strolled over, smiled real big and leaned over their table.
"Hey, I hate to interrupt but I was fascinated with your talk of succession."
"Yeah? Are you for it?" The walrus asked.
"Well, I'm a proud American who supports the troops," I replied. "Do y'all support the troops?" I asked.
They all nodded yes.
So I put my hand on the walrus's shoulder and said, "I tell ya what, buddy, if we're gonna secede, we're gonna need a military- both a Army and a Navy to protect us from the enemy in the Upper 48 who'll want to grab our oil and gas.
"And we're gonna lose all our federal civil service jobs and the U.S. will close all their military bases and veterans hospitals, so we'll lose maybe a million jobs right there.
"Then we're gonna need some people to maintain the Interstate highways because the Feds won't have to do it anymore- we'll have to be our own Feds.
"And we better plan on financing colleges our own selves because the Feds won't be givin' us no more financial aid or Pell grants or nuthin.'
"And the old folks, they'll want us to give 'em some kinda social security because they awready paid fer it.
"And we're gonna have to fund a post office, and set up an IRS and we're gonna need our own FBI and CIA and State Department to fight all these gol'dern terrorists and pertect the Meskin' border."

Then I dropped the heavy Texas drawl and looked the walrus in the eye.

"But you know what? I love America and I think talk of secession is tantamount to treason.
"Clearly, secessionists like you have failed to anticipate the logistical nightmare of such a stupid plan.
"Besides, if you'd read up on it a bit, you'd find the Texas Constitution says absolutely nothing about reserving the right to secede, so Rick Perry was totally full of it when he suggested it.
"Anyway, God Bless America, and y'all have a great day."

I scampered out before the walrus had a chance to think of a response.

Stupid fucking redneck slob. I hope I made him cough up his chimichangas all over his ridiculous fishin' shirt.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Rachel Maddow Gives Buchanan Well Deserved Gut Punch



Last week when racist Pat Buchanan completely lost his mind on Rachel Maddow's show, I was a little aghast that she so politely took it.
Last night she proved that revenge was a dish best served cold.
Take that, white boy.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Blog About Nothing



Nothing in the news interests me today.
It's gonna be hot and humid today, also known as brain damage weather.
I read lots of Blogs I link to and found no inspiration.
I'm trying to think of reasons why I shouldn't go back to bed and take a mid-morning nap. The only thing I came up with was that it might spoil my afternoon nap.
Is there a cure for ennui?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

He Finally Snapped.



If you watched Pat Buchanan lose his mind on Rachel Maddow's show last night, you know he went too far with the loud, racist, sexist tirade against Sonia Sotomayor.
We really don't have to take this.
Please write to the head of NBC News at steve.capus@nbcuni.com and voice your complaints, then copy and paste your letter in my comments section.

Here's what I wrote to him. Feel free to borrow liberally:

Dear Sir,

As a devoted viewer of all of MSNBC's nightly news/political programs, I have to express my outrage and dismay at Buchanan's sexist, racist rant on the July 16 episode of The Rachel Maddow Show.
He was more offensive and disrespectful than I've ever seen him before, and that's saying something.
While everyone is entitled to their opinion-- no matter how warped it is-- keeping Buchanan on as an analyst (and on staff) makes it appear that MSNBC is actually endorsing or approving of his radical right opinions.
Between Buchanan and Ron Christie, I'm beginning to feel like I'm watching Fox News.
I really enjoy watching Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow and even Ed Schultz, so I won't threaten a boycott, but I'll tell you what I will do.
Next time I see Buchanan or Christie on as guests on any of these shows, I'll change it to CNN until I'm certain their segments are done. If CNN happens to have on compelling content, I may well watch the whole show.
I'm done listening to Buchanan and Christie. If I wanted to watch Fox News, I'd do so.
The courtesy of a reply is requested.

Sincerely,
Karen Zipdrive

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama) Questions Sonia Sotomayor



JS: Good Mornin.'
SS: Good morning, Senator Sessions.
JS: Uhh, Justice Soniamayor, bein' a Mexican and all, if you get confirmed what'll keep ya from openin' the Mexican border and lettin' in all your tias and tios and cousins and whatnot?
SS: Well Senator, I am a Judge who's hoping to be confirmed as a Justice, and I'm Puerto Rican, so I have no relatives from Mexico. But if I were of Mexican descent, I would still uphold the immigration laws as written.
JS: Aight then, what would stop you from openin' the Puerto Rico border and lettin' in all your kinfolk?
SS: If there were a border between Puerto Rico and the United States, I would still uphold existing immigration laws.
JS: Are you plannin' to confiscate everbody's guns and weapons?
SS: Sir, Justices do not make law, so even if I had such plans to confiscate weapons I would not have the power to do so.
JS: So you're sayin' if you could, you would.
SS: No sir, I have never contemplated such an action because a Jurist does not have the power to make law.
JS: Jurist? Are you confusin' bein' a judge with bein' on jury duty?
SS: No sir, a Jurist is a synonym for Judge.
JS: Yeah, I know that awready, but what's this about a synonym, are you sayin' you're Jewish in addition to bein' Mexican?
SS: No sir, I am Christian.
JS: You bein' a Yankee and all, what're your views on the confederate flag?
SS: Well, I have mixed feelings. For some, the confederate flag is part of their Southern heritage, yet for others it symbolizes oppression. But again, Justices do not make laws, so my feelings about the confederate flag are moot.
JS: You just said what you think, so how can that be mute?
SS: I said moot, sir.
JS: Well, no matter how you pronunciate the word, if you said it then you ain't mute.
SS: All right.
JS: Now let's just cut to the chase, okay? You said a wise Latina woman was smarter and better then white guys, right?
SS: No sir, I said a Latina woman with wisdom would bring a fresh perspective to the bench, and in some cases that perspective might result in a wiser verdict.
JS: So you're sayin' you think a Latina woman makes better decisions.
SS: No sir, I'm saying...
JS: Never you mind, I think we all git it.
SS: Thank you, Senator.
JS: When did you stop being prejudiced against all white people?
SS: Stop? I never started.
JS: So you haven't stopped?
SS: No sir, I am not prejudiced against any segment of the population.
JS: Well, Miss Soniamayor, I read up on all your past statements and I gotta say I ain't convinced you can be impartial to people who ain't Mexicans like you.
SS: Sir, I have done my best to explain the nuances of my statements.
JS: So you're sayin' me askin' you to explain your racist statements is a nuisance?
SS: I said nuances, not nuisance.
JS: Okay, well, your partial and racist statements are on the record, so you can paint a horse yeller but it still ain't a taxi cab.
SS: Sir, I have done my best to explain the intentions I had behind my statements, but of course you are free to interpret them as you see fit.
JS: Well, thank you very much for your permission.
SS: I did not mean to imply that...
JS: The Ritchie case tells me that you think negro firemen should get special treatment.
SS: Not at all, sir, I merely applied the law as I understood it, as did the majority of my fellow jurists.
JS: Yeah, right. Why have a whole passel of your decisions been overturned by the Supreme Court?
SS: I believe when a case is presented to the Supreme Court, when the Court agrees with the lower court's verdict, they are less likely to accept the case for review. Therefore, when they accept a case, they are more likely to have dissenting opinions.
JS: Well, that's just a big pile of gobbledygook, innit?
SS: Pardon me?
JS: Pardon you? Why, did you burp up your chimichangas from breakfast?
SS: What?
JS: Oh, so now you're deaf and mute?
SS: Sir, I find this line of questioning quite...
JS: Yeah, well, I think we got a real clear pitcher of what your game is, Justice Soniamayor. I gotta say, I'd rather vote for a barrow hog painted in rainbow stripes and chewin' tobacca then vote for a racist Mexican lady who hates white men and all fire fighters.
SS: Sir, I must protest.
JS: Yeah, I betcha you do. Your people love them protest marches. Anyhoo, I really appreciate this opportunity to expose your prejudices. I'm outta here. Adios!
SS: Chinga tu madre.
JS: What's that mean? I don't speak Mexican.
SS: It means, "thank you for your thoughtful questions."
JS: You're welcome, young lady.
The Confidential Journal of Liz Cheney



Jeesh.
The same day I tell the media I "may" want to run for public office "when the time is right" (wink wink), that awful mainstream media starts talking about Daddy's secret assassination squad and how he advised the CIA not to tell the liberal Congress about it.
Those liberal Jews at the New York Times are all over the story and you can just tell how they love the idea of destroying Daddy's distinguished legacy of service to the nation, not to mention derailing my political career before it even takes off.
Oh, for Gosh sakes, don't they understand that Daddy just wanted to catch terrorists? Obviously, the loony liberals on the left couldn't care less about stopping the terrorists; all they care about are silly things like "empathy" and making things easy for those who hate America for its freedom and want to kill us.
So what if Daddy told those blabbermouths in the CIA not to tell those blabbermouths in Congress about his special program?
Don't they understand that we Real Americans know all this partisan kerfuffle is about protecting that liar Nancy Pelosi and her elite millionaire liberal pals in Frisco?
No sir, this witch hunt is about partisan politics, period!!
It has nothing to do with quaint notions about protocol and outdated laws, it's about Daddy's patriotism, strong leadership and his desire to protect America from the kind of terrorists that Obama used to pal around with when he was a "community organizer," whatever that is.
Daddy has been victimized long enough!!!
He called me from the bunker today and said he was counting on me to hit the news media (Fox News) and defend him. He's too modest to defend himself.
He reminded me "the best defense is a good offense" and ticked off the main talking points I should keep repeating:
1. Obama has ruined the economy and he'll use this to take disappointed Americans' minds off his failures and broken promises.
2. Nancy Pelosi started this smear campaign to save her hide over lying about the CIA. That turncoat Leon Panetta is in on it.
3. Obama and Holder are both Black, so going after Daddy truly is reverse racism.
4. Daddy was only the vice president, so it would have been Bush to design the program and demand the CIA's silence, not Daddy's.
5. An investigation would be so hard on Daddy, with his bad heart it could kill him. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid would love nothing more than killing Daddy.
6. This is all just politics as usual, and that hurts America. When Daddy was in office, he'd never dream of putting partisanship over patriotism.
7. At least he didn't disgrace the GOP by cheating on Mother.
8. Sarah Palin's resignation and her steady stream of drama are far more interesting than another tedious judicial investigation.
9. An investigation is exactly what Osama Bin Laden would want. In fact, he's probably behind all the lies and rumors, and in cahoots with Obama.
10. Obama said he wanted to "look forward, not backward." What a dirty liar, who's proven once and for all he can't be trusted.
Fortunately for Daddy, I have his same fighting spirit and I intend to hit the airwaves and repeat all 10 of his talking points until this whole silly kerfuffle blows over.
Mary may think she's the son Daddy never had, but everyone knows I'm more like Daddy than her. She's tons more like Mother!!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Grow a Pair, Guys



Excuse me, did we elect a liberal, or a moderate milquetoast who's afraid to death of Dick Cheney?
Goddamn, all it takes is 15 minutes of news watching one day a week to know that Dick Cheney is up to his bloody fangs in directing illegal CIA activities and more, yet Attorney General Holder is still "thinking about" appointing a special investigator, and Obama is still saying he wants to move forward, not look back.
What?
How can we move forward when there's abundant evidence that Dick Cheney and his pet Poodle Georgie Bush oversaw torture, the outing of CIA agents, lied to Congress and probably a lot more?
Why all this pussyfooting around?
The public is overwhelmingly in favor of special investigations, yet the pussy boys in the White House and the Department of Justice are lallygagging?
Why?
Did someone pay them off, or are they too scared of the GOP to enforce the damn law?
A friend of mine who still thinks Obama walks on water told me I was a one-issue voter (the gay thing) who shouldn't judge Obama just on that one issue.
I protested!
If I could choose one issue, it would be the investigation and likely prosecution of the Bush war criminals, especially Dick Cheney.
Of course the GOP is crying partisan foul whenever the topic of war crimes, etc. is brought up. But if their heroes have nothing to hide, wouldn't the GOP want investigations to exonerate them once and for all?
This whole thing stinks.
If investigations aren't launched soon, I'm going to assume that the entire Obama administration is just as crooked and complicit in all this fuckery as Cheney and his pals are.
This is not the change I voted for.
I see very little change happening at all.

Cut the shit, General Holder. Do your fuckin' job.
She's Holding Her Own in the Hearings



Ha! The best part about Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings is watching the racist white boys in the GOP trying their damndest not to slip and say anything racist or sexist.
Go ahead and vote against her, crackers. That next knock on your office door will be from La Raza Unida.
Considering that scumbag bastard Anton Scoliosis was confirmed, the GOP owes our side one, big time.
Is This Bitch Kiddin'?

(Photoshop apologies to Nonnie@ Hysterical Raisins)

In a dud of a bombshell announcement today, Sarah "Narcissis" Palin said she was also willing to shill for Democrats who shared her warped world values.
Outside of that mealy mouthed traitor Joe Lieberman, what Democrat would possibly want this whore campaigning for him or her?
Clearly, Palin is so delusional and greedy, she thought her offer was a good one.
But in making the offer, she showed herself to be an unprincipled political slut who'd endorse anyone for a buck and a few shopping sprees at upscale stores.
Let's face it, America, Palin's entrance on the national stage has been a long episode of Punk'd.
She simply cannot be serious.
She's the Sasha Baron Cohen of politics.
Liz Cheney Definitely Considering a Run for Office



Liz Cheney, the spawn of Satan, says she's definitely considering running for some political office.
Shocked? Me neither.
GOP progeny opportunists are as common as GOP men cheating on their wives.
What qualifies this dip for any office?
Well, daddy got her a law degree, and his pet Poodle George W. Bush gave her a swell job with the State Department.
Partisan political hackery is more than enough to qualify a Republican to gather votes from its lemming membership.
But wait!
With her daddy being eyed as the turd who directed the CIA to hide his secret program from Congress, and him facing a potential full investigation, will his likely downfall tarnish Lizzie's bona fides?
Well, assuming she has any legitimate bona fides, some people could watch video of Big Dick personally waterboarding Mother Teresa and still think he's a champion of The American Way, so it follows some nitwits will also support this shrill harpy.
A lot of American voters are fucking idiots who'll joyfully vote for Cheney's kid.
Just tell me who her Democratic opponent will be and where to send him or her a political donation.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Ooopsie Daisy



Ruh ro, looks like Big Dick had his very own little 8-year CIA program going in the shadows of the Bush administration.
What?
How could he hide that from Congress and President Bush? Because he's the devil, that's how.
In related news, Attorney General Eric Holder says he is "leaning toward investigating" torture and other Bush era felonies.
On the bright side, if Cheney was convicted and sent to prison, I doubt anyone would rape him. Who'd want to rape Satan?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Peggy Noonan Disses Sarah Palin
Too Little, Too Late



The only time we've seen the genuine Peggy Noonan was when she was caught off mike saying Sarah Palin's VP selection was "pure political bullshit."
The next day she back pedaled in her column, saying how much she liked Sarah Palin.
Now that Palin has turned herself into political toast, out comes Peggy Fucking Noonan with a truthier statement:

"In television interviews she was out of her depth in a shallow pool. She was limited in her ability to explain and defend her positions, and sometimes in knowing them. She couldn't say what she read because she didn't read anything.
She was utterly unconcerned by all this and seemed in fact rather proud of it: It was evidence of her authenticity.
She experienced criticism as both partisan and cruel because she could see no truth in any of it.
She wasn't thoughtful enough to know she wasn't thoughtful enough.
Her presentation up to the end has been scattered, illogical, manipulative and self-referential to the point of self-reverence.
"I'm not wired that way,"
"I'm not a quitter,"
"I'm standing up for our values."
In another age it might not have been terrible, but here and now it was actually rather horrifying..."


While I dislike most conservative pundits, I'd really like to punch Peggy Noonan in the neck.
From her phony, pinched aristocratic accent to her condescending tone, she's a media whore who'd fuck a snake to get ahead.
She peaked back in the 80's when she gave George Herbert Walker Bush that "thousand points of light" bullshit.
Recently Discovered Instant Messages Between John Ensign and Mark Sanford




BigJohn6969: Hey Mark, saw you online- you busy?
Marco Dulce: Hey John, whats up?
BigJohn6969: Certainly not me!
Marco Dulce: Yeah I feel you, brother. Our bedroom is as cold as a meat locker.
BigJohn6969: The wife won't forgive u?
Marco Dulce: LOL! Forgive me? She's got my johnson in a safety deposit box at the bank. She don't want it but she don't want any1 else to have it either.
BigJohn6969: I guess you heard about the "gifts" my daddy gave the pests, huh?
Marco Dulce: Yeah I wanna thank u for getting me off the front pages! LOL
BigJohn6969: Yeah and thank God for Sarah Palin and Michael Jackson LOLOLOL
Marco Dulce: No joke, man. RU still jonesing for your gal?
BigJohn6969: Big time! But her stupid husb is shaking me down for more $ every day. Well not me but my dad.
Marco Dulce: I'm hatching a great plan to get around the wife & kids. Maria's in Buenos Aries getting her hair dyed and her eyebrows trimmed and I'm fixin to move her to SC and hire her as our new "Mexican maid."
BigJohn6969: That's cold, man! Think the wife will buy it?
Marco Dulce: I doubt she'll care. All she does anymore is shop & spend my money.
BigJohn6969: I tried to kiss mine goodbye on the cheek the other day and she kneed me in the nuts.
Marco Dulce: She let you get that close? Mine makes me sleep in the Escalade out in the garage.
BigJohn6969: Oh shit i gotat go shes coming and im not supposed 2b on comp seeya

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

It Was 107F Today



It was so hot today, the coolest I could get my office was 82 degrees, and that was with air conditioning and a fan.

I finally left my office and went to the coolest part of the house, the living room.
I laid on the couch and realized my back hurt. So I went outside, got the mail and used the L.L. Bean catalog I found in my mailbox as a heating pad. Seriously.

Any politician who persists in saying there is no global warming needs to be wrapped in a woolen blanket and thrown onto my crispy front lawn.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Paris Jackson Eulogizes Her Daddy



After crying through three hours of Michael Jackson's memorial today, his daughter Paris made me sob like I was coming unhinged.
I don't think a man this beloved by his daughter is capable of molesting any child.
Oddball, maybe, but pervert? I seriously doubt it.

RIP Michael

Monday, July 06, 2009

The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin



Gosh darn it, those media bitches and bastards still won't leave me alone.
It wasn't enuff that I refused to be a lame DUCK and refused to let the Great STATE of Alaska keep paying for all those gosh damn ethic investigations, no, I guess the stupid biased media wants to shoot me and eat me.
And that gosh damn bitch Shannyn Moore blogger from Homer of all places is gonna get her sorry ass sued for deflamation of my characature!!!!! Yeah I told my lawyers Hell Yes sue her and take her to the cleaners for all that bitch did for me.
I tweeted my readers to hang in their, because as you know they want me to be more than the Vee Pee, they want me to be the P!!!!!!!!
Even those traders at Fox News are saying horribel things about me so I told my lawyers to sue them too!!!!!!!!!!!
And forget the bloggers and by forget i mean don;t forget because I'm gonna sue all of them too!!!!!!
Their are laws to protect people from all this free speech and I intent to persecute them to the fullest extinct of the law.
And that horribel Dave Letterman started alot of this crapioca by calling my daughters sluts who screw that beaner a-Rod. He will loose his career over this because many of my fans are telling me that they didnt watch him before but now hes boycotted until the RAPTURE!!!!!!!!!
So anyways, Todd and me plan to slay salmon until this blows over in the media and beleive me I can use the brake because i am soooooo tired of having to defend THE AMERICAN WAY with the socialist media.
I am soooooo tired of being crucifexed by the Godless media who only seem to like Obama and the terrorists whom he pals around with.
But I'll be back and when I do, let the lawsuits and vengence BEGIN!!!!
When the going gets tuff, we ALASKANS get going. Fishing I mean. And I'll be back, tanned rested and ready to rumbel!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anna Deavere Smith: Horrible Ham



I had the pleasure of watching all the episodes of "Nurse Jackie" on my sister's giant TV over the weekend when I was in Austin.
I adored the show, I love Edie Falco, and the whole cast is fantastic on this show, except for the eternally awful Anna Deavere Smith.
What a fucking hambone.
Regular readers may recall my run-in with Smith during Ann Richards's wake.
There Big Sis and I were at Shultz's Beer Garden, dining with my idol Lily Tomlin, her partner Jane Wagner and that snippy cow Anna Deavere Smith, whom I didn't know from Adam at the time.
Trying to be sociable, I ask her what she did. She sniffed, "I'm an ACTOR." I asked if I'd ever seen her in anything and she looked down her nose and said, "The West Wing?"
"Nope, sorry," I replied.
She was livid.
I didn't care.
I turned my attention back to Jane, whom I loved on sight. We were cracking each other up, so I told her I'd give her $12 for her e-mail address.
Anna Deavere Nicole Smith butted in and said, "DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS."
I was fuming, and I never did get Jane's addy.
Anyway, I didn't recognize her at first on Nurse Jackie until I mentioned to my sister and her partner that she was the one actor on the show who was too slapstick and hammy for the rest of the understated cast.
They looked at each other funny, so I refocused on the screen and said, "Oh no, it's that fucking cow from Ann Richards's wake!"
I couldn't recall her name, but I did remember that arrogant puss of hers.
She may be a helluva stage actress, but that emoting to the rafters shit does not work well on television, especially on HD.
I hope they kill her off on Nurse Jackie tout de suite.
Send her ass back to off-off Broadway and let her thrill those audiences.
And keep her out of Texas, please. She's been doing some stage acting in Austin and this state is not big enough for the both of us.
Fuckin' overacting cow.
The Major Thorn in Sarah Palin's Side



You have to love Shannyn Moore, a blogger from Homer Alaska who's been sticking it to Sarah Palin for years.
Now Palin's lawyers are threatening to sue her for reporting that "rumors persist about Palin."

Today, Shannyn Moore stood before reporters and television cameras in front of the governor's Anchorage office and read a prepared statement.

On the Fourth of July, when Americans everywhere were celebrating our most sacred national holiday with parades and barbeques, Governor Sarah Palin was busy having me, Shannyn Moore, declared an Enemy of the State.

In a rambling quasi-legal letter, the most powerful person in this state accused me of defaming her for pointing out the fact that there have been rumors, -rumors- of corruption, rumors that have been around for years.

When Sarah Palin gave her three-weeks notice to the people of Alaska, aborting her term as Governor, a lot of people wondered why she quit. Mid-level managers turn-in their notice, not elected public officials. It didn't make sense. It still doesn't. People have been trying to guess why she really quit, and everyone in Alaska has been playing the guessing game. They're rumors. There are a lot of rumors. And with all the corruption we've had here in Alaska, of course we wonder what's really behind her resignation.

Governors don't just quit. But Governor Palin did.

The governor's massive overreaction -on the Fourth of July no less- should make any reasonable person wonder what's wrong with her. The Lady protests way too much. Eventually we'll all find out why she really walked off the job.

Sarah Palin is a coward and a bully. What kind of politician attacks an ordinary American on the Fourth of July for speaking her mind? What's wrong with her? The First Amendment was designed to protect people like me from the likes of people like her. Our American Revolution got rid of kings. And queens, too. Am I jacked-up? You betcha.

Sarah Palin, if you have a problem with me, then sue me. Shannyn Moore will not be muzzled!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

You Can See A Scandal From the Back Porch



This is the house Todd Palin said he built with his own hands, "with the help of some contractor buddies" whom the Palins refused to name.
The wood, the windows and other materials used in building the home match materials used in building the $12 million sports complex that then-Wasilla Mayor Sarah Palin insisted the tiny hamlet needed.
I believe Palin arranged to get a free house built by the same crew she awarded the sports complex contract to.

There's your crime, there's your scandal, and there's the end of her political career. Just watch and see.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Sarah Palin Abruptly Resigns
Hear Me Now and Believe Me Later:



Something is very fishy here.
Theories?

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Wheeeee!



It's been too dry in South Texas to buy aerial fireworks. All they're selling this year is little chickenshit fire crackers and sparklers, and as Munitions Procurement Officer for the Zipdrive family, I am disappointed.
So, my sibs and I put our heads together and came up with a wonderful alternate plan.
BigBro lives on a huge lake near Austin, and the lake is dotted with tiny hick towns for miles around.
So this year, we're packing bbq babybacks, Big Sis's signature potato salad, champagne and other yummy comestibles onto his boat and going to a little burg called Kingsland to watch from the boat one of Texas's biggest firework displays ever. Not only has the town planned for a display, some good ole' boy Texas millionaire is planning his own show to go with it.
Texas good ole' boy millionaires are known for their outrageously lavish event planning. One year, a guy who lives near my brother had the public road redone for the party he was hosting on his ranch. He also hired helicopters to take his party guests for rides.
People are always saying what a rathole Texas is, but when it comes to stuff like this, we believe anything worth doing is worth overdoing. YeeHAW!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Thanks, Eurotrash



I finally got those Eurotrash gypsy scoundrels to pay me back all the money they owed me. But of course when the guy gave me the final check today he said I was a bitch for being so rude and demanding about it.
I guess bitch in Espana means "generous soul who lent us $5,000."
Whatever.
Now I'm debating whether to write them a fuck you e-mail or just let it go.
I suppose they're already aware their 22-year-old son is a pantywaist mama's boy who can't wipe his ass without her permission, and that their 15-year-old daughter is a promiscuous whore with raging drug addiction who had to be shipped off to Spain before she got arrested, so what else is there to say?
That they lied about when they'd pay me back by more than five months? That I had to dig the money out of them like sifting through 5-day-old paella?
I think they know that.
Oh well, I guess a simple thank you was too much to expect.
But I got my money back, and that counts for something. :D