Friday, October 30, 2009

This Is It



Say what you will about Michael Jackson the man, but as a performer he was peerless.
Because I was curious about what the concert he didn't live to perform would have been like, I went to see the docu-concert movie, "This Is It" tonight.
Now, I'm not sure I agree with Oprah and The View's Sherry Shepherd that the movie should win an Oscar, but it was a very compelling thing to see.
From his polite but maniacal attention to detail, to his imaginative dancing and still powerful vocals, it was nice to see him on stage and remember how amazing he used to be.
The songs were all very familiar--none of that HIStory crap.
If you know the words to at least two of his songs, then the movie will make you happy.
My companion and I both tried to tell if he looked sick or drugged or dazed during the movie, and the answer was yes and no. If I tried to sing and dance every day for hours and hours of rehearsals, I'm pretty sure I'd look like hell about 15 minutes into it.
But for a 50-year-old, his body was toned and lithe, and his voice was as pretty as it ever was.
Nothing in the movie made me cry, but toward the end when I recalled him saying he wanted to do the concert so his kids could see him perform for the first time, I misted up a little.
They loved him as their dad, but seeing him on stage will surely blow their little minds. For that, I'm happy they filmed so many of the rehearsals.
I think the concert would have been stupendous.
Go see it. Tell us what you thought of it.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Never Piss Off a Redneck Teenager



Whoops!
It seems Levi Johnston, 19, has had enough of Sarah Palin's bad mouthing.
He hinted in a TV interview yesterday that he's got a lot more dirt on her than he let fly a few months ago in a piece he wrote for Vanity Fair.
Her reply?
"Well, he doesn't respect his body and he's posing naked for money so you can't believe anything he says."
Huh?
The kid's a handsome young buck who was dragged into the limelight by Palin and paraded around like a prized stud at the state fair.
Once she lost the election, he was tossed aside like the prop he was.
Was he ever investigated or charged with anything? No, but she was.
Did he make an ass of himself in every MSM interview he ever did? No, but she did.

As I've said before, the kid sees a chance to travel and make some money, and unlike her, he seems to grasp that his time in the limelight is very limited. He wants to make hay while he can. So?

How is Johnston making money off his looks any different than Palin doing the same thing? Does anyone think she's not using her looks to get attention?
She's had five kids and isn't 19 anymore, but does anyone doubt she would have posed for Playboy if they'd have asked her back when she was his age?

I hope she keeps tweeting and facebooking shit about the kid. I hope he gets so offended he does end up telling what he knows about her. Maybe he's got something that can be investigated, prosecuted and get her out of the public eye once and for all.
Let's hope so.
Time To Do Some Serious Stripping




Back in 2008, when sniveling Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Big Insurance)campaigned for John McCain, the Democrats should have stripped away his Homeland Security committee chairmanship and stuck him out in Siberia with the rest of the lily livered Blue Dog Republicrats.
Now he's siding with the GOP on health care reform, rather, he's siding with Connecticut's huge insurance corporations, proving once and for all he represents them, and not the citizens of Connecticut.
Oh sure, lots of Connecticans have voted for him over the years, but have they slipped him more than a million dollars in campaign booty like Big Insura has?
Nope.
My Jewish friend and fellow blogger DistributorCap sent some of us an e-mail today, saying he wanted to stuff Lieberman (an Orthodox Jew) "with bacon and shrimp and drizzle Velveeta all over him and make Hadassah clean it up on the sabbath."
I replied, saying I wanted to re-attach his foreskin and force feed him pork chops in cream sauce.
We are so mean.
But what I really wanted to say was I hoped one day Lieberman would be thrown from office, then develop a chronic, itchy anal condition that his new, civilian health insurance company determined was pre-existing and therefore denied.
After all, he's an inflamed asshole, so it's not that far out of the question.

Like the teabaggers, we progressives have developed a taste for loudly demanding what we want. Our progressive elected officials told the Senate, no public option, no vote.
And suddenly, the dead public option came alive again.
Rep. Alan Grayson started publicly dissing the crooked GOP, and suddenly his campaign coffers began to rapidly fill.

Before the telephone company monopolies were broken up, we voters really had to watch how much long distance calling we did because it could get expensive really fast. Now we can afford to call Washington, DC and bitch to senators and congress reps all we want, so we do.

Bottom line, we can all afford to call Joe Lieberman's office in DC at (202) 224-4041 or fax him at (202) 224-9750 and tell him what a douchebag we think he is.
In fact, write him a fax with a broad, black Magic Marker and use up all his fax machine's toner.
Then we can call the Senate majority leader and our own state's senators and tell them what we think of Droopy Dawg Lieberman.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dick Cheney: Who Talks That Way?



Something has been bugging me ever since I heard Dick Cheney say he thought President Obama was "dithering" about Afghanistan.
Then it dawned on me.
Who uses words like dithering in this day and age?
Just how old is that guy, anyway?
Dithering is even more codgerly than frittering.
Perhaps the elder Cheney should don his best white breeches and tri-cornered hat, grab his blunderbuss and challenge Obama to a duel.
Dithering.
What a doddering old fart.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Gullible Fat Bastard.



Ha! Someone fed Rush Limbaugh a line of crap about Obama's alleged anti-government college thesis and the fat, dopey bastard ran with it.
Then once it was immediately debunked, he said, "Well, it sure sounds like something he'd write."
So basically, Limbaugh reported on a phony story, was immediately caught and still refused to accept responsibility and apologize for going off half-cocked.
I guess it's a lot like someone writing that Limbaugh is a secret member of NAMBLA and insisting, after being caught lying, that Limbaugh seems like the type of guy who'd seek out little boys for sex.
He also seems like the type who'd fly to some tropical pervert destination with a suitcase filed with Viagra so he could screw underage kids. Oh wait, that was true.
He also seems like the type who'd gobble down 200 or more Oxycontin a day, while sending his maid out to get more scrips that he doctor-shopped for. Oops, that's true, too.
I just love that the far right's hero is this dope addled clown with a big mouth and unusually depraved sexual appetites.
He is the de fatso leader of the GOP.
He is the GOP.
YAY!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dick Cheney Receives Keeper of the Flame Award



Dick Cheney received the Keeper of the Flame award last night, given by the "Security Policy Center" in Washington, DC, which is a right-wing lunatic fringe outfit operated by the terminally obnoxious Bush bootlicker, Frank Gaffney.
Dick and his felonious second banana Scooter Libby attended the event in black tie, where Dick made a speech roundly criticizing President Obama's "dithering" on Afghanistan.
Keeper of the flame? Don't they mean keeper of the crypt?
Gaffney and his posse seem to forget that 9/11 happened on Dick's watch, and speaking of dithering, the war they started in Afghanistan 8 years ago was abandoned so Bush and Dick could divert our troops and money to vanquish the enemy of Bush's owners, the Saudi royals.
It takes some colossal hubris for Dick to critique Obama's handling of Afghanistan.
It takes even more hubris for that idiot Gaffney to want to award Dick for his stunningly malevolent incompetence.
While I applaud the White House's efforts to keep insisting that media freaks like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are the true leaders of the GOP, they could just as easily maintain that Dick Cheney is the head of the party with much the same results.
Still, before my own head exploded over the news that Cheney received this award, I was immediately restored to sanity when I realized that millions of Americans must share in my outrage, thereby assuring that the Party of No continues to circle the drain.
Nice going, Gaffney.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Secret Diary of Richard Heene



September 15, 2009.

Shit, man, I thought our time on wife swap woulda got us enuf publicity to launch us a reality show but fuck no, man. A white guy nowadays cant catch a break, man.
So I got me a plan.
I like to think of myslef as a amature scientest--doent matter if i only got a high school degree, what I got is a brain and a natural curiosity: like any good scientest.
So what I'm gonna do is build me a great lookin flying saucer thing with some plastic tarp and aluminim foil and duct tape, then I'm gonna rent me a tank of helium from the party supply house.
Then I'm gonna launch it and tell the cops that Falcon is prolly on the craft and watch the whole world go apeshit over it.
While the balloon is up there, I'm gonna dose Falcon with some benzadrill and sleepy time tea and stick him up in the garage rafters in a big box.
Then when the balloon comes down I can yell and say hey we found Falcon and the cabel news people will be all apeshit and the internet people too.
And after Mayumi and the boys and me land up on all the talk shows, watch some rich bastard from the cables offer us our own reality show!
It's foolproofed, man.
I mean come on, if that squinty eyed Jap and his goofy white bitch of a wife can have a litter of kids like a goddam german sheperd and get there own show, I mean what the fuck, man?
I'm white and Mayumi is a jap so theres already a audience for another mixed breed family- and my boys Falcon, Ar2Dee2 and Spock are a lot more ineresting then those stupid 8 and kate kids who arent even fuckin ineresting. Plus I here they got cancilled anyways, so there is a nitch to be filled.
So yeah, I aint got much money left (there aint no money in storm tracking, beleive me!) but I'm gonna use my home depot card to buy me the baloon making gear and get this goddam show on the road.
I already got some titles for the new reality show:
The Heene Team
The Dean of Heene
Heene of the crop
Heene for a day
Heene genes or heene genius
I figger with my good looks and smarts, plus Mayumi acting like a good wife should act, plus the three cute mutts, we are golden!!!
yeah, i cant see how this fuckin plan can fail.
That's why they call me a Heene-ious.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Afghanistan? Really?



Besides fields filled with lethal opium poppies, Afghanistan is a dusty hell-hole without roads, schools, hospitals, or anything in the way of even 18th century civilization.
We've already chased the Taliban to Pakistan, so basically American troops are in Afghanistan shooting at shadows and bombing hillsides, and for what?
Generals on the ground are asking for massive troop increases, saying if we want any chance of victory, we must have more troops.
Fine.
Define victory.
Would that be America assisting the suspiciously "reelected" Hamid Karzai in establishing a democratic civilization?
Are we really so arrogant we think that by sheer force and spending trillions of dollars we don't have, we can drag an 8th century dump into the 21st century?
Define victory.
Is it a Starbuck's on every corner and Baptist churches in every neighborhood?
They don't have neighborhoods!
They don't have anything. Not even valuable bombing targets.
Even their Arab neighbors don't give a damn about propping up Afghanistan.
Joe Biden is right.
Let's pack our troops and our stuff and get the hell out of there.
Obama should announce that Afghanistan was another of Bush's ill-conceived wars, and he won't be throwing more money at Bush's abysmal failure.
I almost said "throwing more money down the drain," but Afghanistan hasn't got any drains, now do they?
They Eat Their Own



Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) got a bellyful of crazy at a recent town hall meeting in Greenville.
The unruly, unkempt mob questioned his Christianity, his masculinity, his party loyalty, and anything else they could shout at him.
The Republicans at first loved these town hall meeting rabble rousers, because they started off razzing just the Democrats.
But like trained attack dogs run amok, the rousers have a taste for mayhem now, and they're turning it on their Republican masters.
(insert chuckling here)
Yep, all this fomenting of hatred and fanning the stench of anger, intolerance and ignorance has made its way back to the guys who started it.
The teabaggers have created an Orwellian nightmare.
They've turned the American flag into a cum rag.
They've turned Christianity into fundamentalism just as radical as those Islamics who kill for Allah.
They deny climate change.
They deny human rights.
They think a fetus should be saved, but they embrace the death penalty.
They've never read the Constitution, but they are strict Constitutionalists.
Yep, the Republicans have groomed and given a voice to the worst America has to offer. They've supplied the catch phrases, the Magic Markers and the poster board. Alas, they have not provided spellcheck for the end product.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Obama at the DC HRC Dinner



On the bright side, President Obama did show up and make a nice speech at the Washington DC Human Rights Campaign gala.
That puts him about 100 points ahead of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
On the logical side, he does have a lot on his plate with two wars, high unemployment and an economy still near, if not circling, the drain. And the battle for health care reform--let's not forget that.
On the darker side, he's made a lot of pretty speeches about equal rights for gays but so far has done nothing.
I know he's a busy guy, but he has to remember one important thing: none of the other huge things on his plate actually voted for him, or donated money to his campaign.
When he's up for re-election, it'll be people, not things, who help him get re-elected.
He's got three more years to do something meaningful, such as repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell and the ridiculous Defense of Marriage Act. If he fails to live up to his promises, we queers may have to find another candidate to back.
I like Obama. I hope he doesn't let us down.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The More I Hear This Guy...



Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) has obviously become emboldened by America's support for his frank rhetoric on the House floor.
Let's encourage him to say more, shall we?
Oh, and if you have and extra 10 or 20 bucks to spare, I can think of no better politician to help support.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Moanin' Joe: Shut the Fuck Up!



President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, in a surprise announcement today.
Unbelievably, Joe "dead intern on his Congressional office floor" Scarborough called the selection a horrible choice and otherwise bitched about it, as if having our president selected for this honor was a bad thing.
Is this guy kidding?
What a typical Republican response. The Party of No members can find nothing positive to say about anything the president says, does or wins.
I have a few issues with Obama myself, but they are based on reality, not on general racism and hatred.
Quick: can anyone name one thing Scarborough accomplished as a Congressman?
Can anyone think of even one reason why this chicken lipped son of a bitch even has a show on MSNBC?
I'd write to MSNBC and complain, but by now I'm pretty sure Scarborough has pictures of NBC executives fucking sheep. Nothing less would explain why this a-hole would be allowed on TV.
Feh!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Thanks for the Idea, Prick.



Rachel Maddow had on her show Tuesday night Rick Berman, the web site whore who hides behind non-profit status to host web sites like "Rotten Acorn.com" and "fish scam.com."
From harpooning grassroots organizations like PETA, Acorn and so forth, the guy uses phony science to discredit critics of tobacco, high fructose corn syrup, transfats and other bad products and corporate slimeballs.
And best of all, as a non-profit, he doesn't have to tell anyone who paid him to create these sites.
Hey, I'm a professional public relations practitioner, and Rick Berman has given me some great ideas for new web sites. Now, if I can only get my bloggy pals Helen Wheels and Nonnie 9999 to help me design the sites, here are some clients and topics I hope to represent:

Boys Need Men in Their Lives.com
This organization makes a case for loving adult men to share their intimate fun times with young boys. Only a dirty minded prude would think nudity and physical intimacy between boys and men is wrong!

Everclear: Safer and Cleaner Than Ordinary Liquor.com
This site explains how America's leading pure grain alcohol makes sense for every social occasion. It's clear, tasteless and adds just the right zing to beverages. No need to use dangerous drugs on hyperactive kids! A little Everclear calms them down in a jiffy!

Teacher's Pet.com
Is your teen son or daughter doing poorly in school? Perhaps their attention spans would increase if they had real reasons to pay attention in class! Nothing says "dedicated educator" like a teacher who drinks, smokes and has sex with students after school. Get your child a "piece of A" today!

Get Crackin'.com
Are you tired? Lacking energy? Bored with life? By learning about the rejuvenating powers of rock cocaine, you can put the spring back in your step while you lose weight! Skip expensive prescription drugs! With a small rock of crack, a simple glass tube and a lighter, you can feel young again! Great for couples.

Cut Heating Costs.com
Don't spend another winter wasting money on outrageously expensive heating oil or gas furnaces. Let us show you how a small bag of clean burning charcoal briquets can heat your home toasty warm.

Free Doggie Treats.com
Are you overlooking a dog's favorite snack? If you own a cat or kitten, you'll find free treats for doggies in kitty's litter box! With a simple food dehydrator, you can learn to make delicious doggie treats at home. Why pay for expensive Milk Bones, Snausages and pig ears when delicious, nutritious snacks are available for free?

Nancy Pelosi is a Vampire.com
Noted Soviet medical researcher Orly Taitz explains how her decades of scientific research has exposed Nancy Pelosi as a vampire. Have you ever seen Nancy Pelosi in the daytime? Of course not. Contribute today to have Pelosi staked in the heart- and be dead, finally dead.

DeLayed Reaction.com
Relive every sexy moment as Tom "the Hammer" DeLay danced his way into our hearts on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars." Buy the calendar! Your day will be sunny when you see color pics of the adorable booty shaking, finger wagging and pelvic thrusting of our favorite ex majority leader. It's Hammer Time!

Dingdongs Cure Cancer.com
Learn how these adorable chocolate delicacies from Hostess have been successfully used in the treatment of certain cancers such as breast cancer, prostate cancer, melanoma, lymphoma and testicular cancer. When chemo and radiation are not enough, Dingdongs to the rescue! Discovered as an alternate treatment in 1998 by noted international medical researcher Orly Taitz, find out why Dingdong therapy is a secret that African native Barack Hussein Obama doesn't want you to know!

Bad Bad Boys.com
See exciting pics and read the bios of The Bad Boys of Politics. From Larry Craig's sexytime in the Minnesota airport mens' room, to John Ensign's romp with a married staffer, to David Vitter's diaper fun, to Mark Sanford's sexy hike down the Appalachian Trail, learn what makes these sexy hunks way too hot to stay with just one spouse.

Safe for Baby.com
Are you tired of the fear tactics foisted off on new parents about stuff that's "allegedly" unsafe for babies? We debunk the myths about: secondhand smoke in the nursery, lead based paints, car seat "laws," sugary drinks, burgers and fries, "choking hazards," spanking, yelling and the so-called harm of pornography.

Nobel Prize for Sarah.com
Sign the petition and send us a dollar to force the ultra liberal Nobel Prize committee to finally recognize Governor Sarah Palin as the most deserving Nobel Peace Prize winner ever! No more wasting the honor on loony liberals and crackpot "scientists," let's give the prize to the you betcha-ist gal in the world!

Satan Created Gays.com
Learn about the devil's crowning achievement from noted international scientific researcher Orly Taitz, DDS, LLB, Realtor. Taitz traces homosexuality to the river Styx, where evil children were dipped into the fetid waters by Beelzebub and turned into sexual deviates. Foreword by the Rev. Ted Haggard.
What Nerve



After voting against Obama's Recovery Act, now Texas GOP senators John Cornyn and Kay Bailey Hutchison are begging Washington for stimulus money. They want $3 billion to shore up NASA in Houston.
These two have no shame and no dignity.
They remind me of office employees too cheap to contribute to the holiday party, yet they show up and eat all the food they can, then leave before clean-up time.
And Hutchison wants to be our next governor.
Swell.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Ow.



My family and I spent most of the day Saturday loading lumber and other debris into a 30-foot rollaway dumpster. I'd had my old two-car garage demolished and the fallen mess had to be removed.
Every muscle in my body is sore and I'm covered in scrapes, bruises and aches.
Turns out manual labor is not my thing.
It's been raining off and on for the last five days. It's mushy and humid outside.
Current events? I don't care.
I don't care if David Letterman fucked every woman on his staff.
I don't care what Liz Cheney says or does.
I don't care that the morons on the right cheered for Rio De Janeiro.
Today, I just don't care.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Nonnie 9999: Photoshopping Genius



If you haven't already discovered the hilarious Hysterical Raisins blog (listed to the right), rush over there right now.
This poster of Michael Steele and Michelle Bachmann celebrating Hispanic month made me spit a chunk of Nicorette right onto my monitor.
It's just one of hundreds of fantastic Photoshopped pieces Nonnie has created.
Please note the empty Kool-Aid glass Bachmann is holding. Click to enlarge.

Friday, October 02, 2009

More Palin Family Values?



Well, well, well. Look what's missing from Moosilla's finger.
A wedding ring.
That same wedding ring Todd offered her two decades ago, when she uttered those loving words, "You knocked me up, Todd."
Wow, before the ink was dry on her book advance, she shucked off the holy Jesus matrimonial ring, and Alaska bloggers have gone ape-shit with news of impending divorce.
And Todd just quit his job with British Petroleum.
Turns out Todd might be the Kevin Federline to Palin's Britney Spears.
I guess it's only a matter of time before Todd, Kevin & Jon Gosslein are spotted having a boy's night out.
Here We Go Again