Monday, May 31, 2010

Shut Up and Dance

Here's my latest iPod Playlist.

Pata Pata Miriam Makeba
Bad Romance Lady GaGa
Boogie Oogie Oogie
Crazy Gnarls Barkley
I Gotta Feeling Black Eyed Peas
The Way You Make Me Feel Michael Jackson
Brick House The Commodores
Boogie Nights Heat Wave
Let's Groove Earth, Wind & Fire
Billie Jean Michael Jackson
Nobody's Diary Yaz
Poker Face Lady GaGa
Hot in Herre Nelly
Like a Virgin Madonna
Faith George Michael
Put Your Body in It Stephanie Mills
Paparazzi Lady GaGa
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)Beyoncé
The Rain Si*Se
Hips Don't Lie Shakira

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Was Mistaken.

Several weeks ago, I posted a Ke$ha video and said I kind of liked her.
The more I see and hear, the less there is to like.
Can you say "one hit-wonder"?
I can.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

There Should Be a New Rule

If any petroleum company in the world demonstrates that it cannot safely drill off-shore, and a spill, explosion or other incident occurs, then there should be a global agreement that denies that company permission to drill offshore, anywhere again.
Tonight, the news is covering BP's month-long failure to stop crude oil from gushing out and polluting Gulf waters. Enough of this nonsense.
BP needs to get this mess fixed, then pull up stakes and get the fuck out of North America for good.
What's happening in the Gulf will have repercussions similar to any terrorist attack- poisoning waters, killing sea life and denying hard working, decent people of their livelihoods for years to come.
Fining them millions won't phase them--they have billions in their coffers, with more to come.
Let them use their assets to drill on land--elsewhere.
BP is not a North American company and they have more than overstayed their welcome.
We need international laws against this type of gross negligence.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Stay in Long Beach, Greaseball

Reports say this greasemonkey/cheating slob wants to pull up stakes and move to Austin.
Austin is Sandra Bullock's town, chump. She owns a restaurant, a shop and a home there, so she already has dibs on it.
Jesse James, if you insist on moving to a town where Sandra owns a home, I suggest you move to New Orleans. The Lower 9th Ward is your kind of place, and the rents are cheap.

I've taken the liberty of finding you a place to stay in NOLA while you house-hunt. This open air resort features wildlife, Gulf breezes and plenty of fun loving ladies for your cultural pleasures.
So skip Austin, loser, and move to a place you deserve.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Good God, Lindsay

These young punks of today can't handle their drugs or alcohol.
Now part-time actress and full-time stooge Lindsay Lohan has a bench warrant out for her arrest because she couldn't make it back from Cannes in time for a Los Angeles court appearance. She said she'd lost her passport, though French authorities and the U.S. Embassy said no loss was reported.
When she finally gets her act together well enough to get back home to L.A., she'll have to pony up $100,000 in bail to keep her stupid ass out of jail.
She's only 23, she looks 43 and she acts 13.
Besides, what was she doing at the Cannes Film Festival anyway? She hasn't got any movies out. She isn't even slated to guest star on any TV shows.
Rumor has it, she's on tap to play Linda Lovelace, the starlet who made Deep Throat in the 70's. So she's going to play the role of a porn actress?
I say if she gives it another year or so, she'll be a porn actress.
Someone needs to smack that girl upside the head.
Not literally, of course, but someone needs to talk some sense into her.
Maybe a little time in the pokey will give her some time to think things over.
She really gives alkies and dopers a bad name.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The $12 Million Filthy Pig

Look, look, LOOK at this dirty pig's finger nails!
Is she kidding??
Come on, it's one thing knowing you're photographed wherever you go and having a bad hair day or a smudge on your glasses or something, but having nails this jagged and filthy looking is inexcusable.
Even if they just look that way because the polish is old and chipped, there's still no excuse for not whipping out some cotton balls and a 99 cent bottle of polish remover and cleaning them up herself. Yes, even if you're a passenger in a car you can clean up your filthy nails. Virtually any object can be used to at least clean the shmutz under the nails.
Looking at my own nails right now, I can see some cuticles may need to be pushed back a bit, but otherwise they are clean and neatly trimmed. And I live alone and work at home!
This pig has filched 12 million bucks off the ignorant teabagging American public in just one year--and this is how she repays them?
If her nails look this bad and they are out in plain sight, one has to wonder what else on her body is filthy and unattended?
Ugh. Add one more disgusting thing about Sarah Palin.
Good thing she probably never holds or touches her baby. That poor thing could catch all sorts of diseases from his (grand)mother's filthy hands.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

BP: Let's Change Their Name

By now it's obvious that British Petroleum will be needing a name change.
Please feel free to add your suggestions.
Here are mine:

Broke Pricks
Boondoggle Princes
Bankrupt Putzes
Big Pussy

C'mon, join in!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

In Case You've Been Living Under a Rock...

I almost didn't post this because I'm sure millions have already seen it, but it's got several of my favorite people and things on it, so I couldn't resist.
First, I love kids, especially cute, precocious, talented ones like this kid.
He's polite, poised and still has the ability to be filled with awe and wonder.
As for Lady Gaga and Ellen, well, they're just good people.
I'm so glad Lady Gaga came along after I was already too old to be a contender, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd follow her around the globe and stalk her like a lovesick pup.
She reminds me of an early Elton John-she's so talented and creative, I'm sure she's in it for the long, long haul.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Half-term quitter former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told National Rifle Association members that the only thing stopping President Obama and the Democratic Congress from banning guns is a potential political backlash in November.

Will someone please ask Dick Cheney to take this idiotic bitch hunting?
Doesn't even have to be hunting- just target practice somewhere outdoors where Dick is first given his daily quart of Jim Beam and a powerful rifle or two. And please, someone dress Sarah up in a beautiful native American hunting vest made from quail feathers.

How long has Palin been on the national scene now- a couple of years? Would it be asking too much for her to come up with a new topic, or at least a new slant on an old topic?

Obama's popularity is back on the rise, but I'm sure she hasn't heard about that since Fox News is an unlikely source for that kind of tidbit. So what does Palin do to help restore America's confidence in our president and thereby our nation? She whips up the NRA lunatics yet again.

This week she stirred up another group of progressives at the National Sump Pump convention. No, I am not kidding--the sump pumpers paid to hear the Bilge Queen flap her idiot gums.

From the Sump Pumpers to the NRA, this money hungry bitch will appear literally anywhere as long as there's a fat check at the end of the speaking engagement. Teabaggers and other dimwits continue to believe that Palin is a patriot who's genuinely interested in the welfare of our nation.

The idiots on the right still think she might be considering a run for the presidency. Are they really stupid enough to think she'd work a full time job for only $400,000 a year when she's making five times that on the snake oil circuit?

Look. It's not that I am against a vigorous first amendment and honest debate on the issues facing America today. I'm against stupid fucking idiots like Palin leading other stupid fucking idiots down the path of racism, anarchy, xenophobia and vigilantism.

I worry about the teabaggers and radical right, Palin-loving NRA types a lot more than I worry about Islamic terrorists. I mean, all of us get edgy when we see a swarthy guy at the airport drop to his knees toward Mecca and mumble about Allah and his pal Akbar.
But not enough of us worry about the American guy with the baseball cap, the fishing T-shirt and the Glock 9mm holstered to his Wranglers.
Arizona: The Snakebit State

Arizona's unconstitutional, draconian, racist immigration law that allows cops to harass anyone who looks even vaguely Latino has started to bite the state in its own pasty white ass.
It seems Phoenix was under consideration to host the 2012 Republican National Convention, but the GOP honchos nixed it because of the new law.
You see, the GOP doesn't like to parade its racist tendencies in public. They like to keep it on the down-low, as their token negro Michael Steele might say.
Instead of Phoenix, they opted for Tampa, Florida.
Please note that Phoenix sounds like Penis and Tampa sounds like Tampax.
The amusing thing about Phoenix getting the Big Ig from the GOP is that the law that Republicans like Senator John McCain like to covertly endorse has ended up screwing them, like a snake eating its own tail.
If the new law wasn't so repugnant, it would be hilariously stupid.
It's a law so stupid, I'm amazed Sarah Palin didn't come up with it. I'll bet she was envious she didn't come up with it when she was a governor, but I guess Alaska didn't have enough Latinos to harass. I guess she could have gone after the Inuit (Eskimo) population, but I'm pretty sure their Alaskan roots are deep enough to not be mistaken for Russian wetbacks.
I have a plan for Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sarah Palin to repair their horrible reputations. First, they should collect all the hair clippings from every beauty salon and barber shop in Arizona and Alaska.
Then they should find someone to manufacture two giant pairs of panty hose.
After that, Brewer and Palin should have all that hair glued to their bodies, from head to toe.
Then they should each be stuffed into the pairs of giant panty hose, and lowered to the base of the BP oil spilling in the Gulf. Their heroism could help plug up the pipes and stem the oil flow.
Both would say it's quite noble to die in service to the country, so I challenge them to prove it.
God Bless America!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Real Housewives of NYC

Jill Zarin

Did you see the latest episode?
I need my very own Real Housewives buddy I can call and laugh about these dizzy bitches from NYC and New Jersey after each episode.
I have certain friends I compare notes with for several different TV shows, but these Housewife bitches like Jill Zarin, the gossipy JAP shmata seller with the hideous apartment that looks like a Polish drag queen decorated it, needs to be talked about with someone in the know.
Did these lines make you laugh?
"I don't eat processed foods. I like Gummy Bears."
"You like drama too much--you like to make lemonade out of lemons!"
"Elegance is learned, mah friend..."

In Andy Cohen's hilarious after-show, 96% of viewers polled wanted to throw Kelly Bensimon off the yacht into the water. That was an all time high in the polls. Agree?

Do you know what I'm talking about? If so, we need to talk.
For The Record
A Blogatorial by KarenZipdrive

So there's a 17-year-old picture of Elena Kagan playing softball. So what?
For the record, I have never played softball, or any team sport.
I don't drive a Subaru Outback.
I don't watch football, or own a football.
I don't have any dyke friends named BJ, Stony or Lil' Bit.
I hate Melissa Etheridge's overly dramatic music, and I have never liked her cornball, overly earnest shtick.
I detest camping and hiking.
I didn't watch The L Word past Season One.
I rarely drink beer.
I get along well with men, straight and gay.
I don't do my own car repairs.
I know how to set a table.
I own more than six sets of dinner napkins.
I wear perfume...okay I wear men's cologne but it's French so that counts as girly.
I don't own a big dog with a bandanna around his neck.
I don't like hunting or fishing.

But I am a red blooded, lady licking lesbian.

If a photo of a butch woman playing softball is suspicious, then what the fuck is this?

I rest my case, your honor.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Oh No, A Night of Bad Dreams

I had lunch at a once-prestigious French-Indochine restaurant today and I kind of knew it would not end up well because the place smelled like fish when we walked in.
I was with my publisher and since we're great friends I was really looking forward to spending some time with him, eating and brainstorming.
We split some spring rolls, which were okay but the dipping sauce was too acidic, then we tucked into some beautiful looking eggs Benedict that looked twice as good as they tasted. Hollandaise has some lemon in it, as I recall. This was just a buttery sort of butter sauce without any acid anywhere near it.
The whole lunch sort of put me off my feed for the rest of the day. I just had some multi grain toast and a little glass of orange juice for dinner.
So there I was, ready to watch Top Chef Masters on TV tonight.
OMG it was exotic surf and turf night, with ingredients like goat leg, monk fish liver, duck tongue, gooey duck, kangaroo, black chicken, sea cucumber and some other disgusting surf and turf slop I'd rather die than eat.
I had to have a generous gulp of Pepto Bismo and two TUMS to keep my stomach from flipping.
New law: Top Chef should not be allowed any more challenges using ingredients that don't moo, oink, gobble, cluck or make standard fishy noises.
If I want to watch chefs serve garbage, I'll watch Nat Geo channel.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

I Love Betty White

Betty White completely nailed it last night on Saturday Night Live.
It was one of the best SNL shows ever. Every great female SLN alumna over the last decade was there to back her up. The show really was pee-in-your-pants funny.
One thing though...
Jay Z as the "musical" guest? My God, he's even more talentless than Kanye West.
How does sporadically grunting "yeah" while the blond guy sings Forever Young qualify as musical talent?
I can think of no worse musical guest to be on with Betty White than that clown.
Even Michael Buble would have been an improvement, and I'd like to punch him.
Oh well, besides the crusty muffin/NPR skit, the cast singing "Thank You For Being a Friend" and Betty's heavy metal update of the same song was funny enough to cancel out the horrid performance of that dog-faced poser Jay Z.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I had an elaborate post about my birthday celebration(s) last weekend but my AT&T DSL crashed when I was almost about to post it. Sorry, I can't face trying to recreate it all.
But what I can say is this.
Presents are nice, and celebrating with fabulous food and drink are nice, but the nicest thing anyone can get for their birthday is love, affection and friendship.
I may not be the world's most beautiful, youngest or richest person on Earth, but I have loving family and friends, and that makes me the luckiest.
To those who wished me well in words and deeds, I love you all more than words or pictures can convey.
Thanks, everyone.