Monday, November 29, 2010

Ahh, Come On.

Willie Nelson was busted by U.S. Border Patrol last Friday for holding around six ounces of marijuana on his tour bus.
Border Patrol? Is busting a national treasure like old Willie for a couple of bags of weed really part of keeping the U.S./Mexican border safe?
Who exactly is Willie's pot habit hurting? Judging by his advanced age and the fact that he's still working, it's not hurting him any--so who is it hurting?
Is this really the best use of the Border Patrol's time?
There should be a new law that allows anyone over age 60 to buy and smoke all the pot they want.
America needs to stop clogging up the courts with stupid pot busts.
And they need to leave old Willie alone.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I Don't Care What Anyone Says
I Like Taylor Swift

I'm not a country music fan but I like this kid a lot.
She's 5'11" which is a nice tall drink o' water. She's turning 21 Dec. 13 but she cut her first album at age 16 and it was a hit.
She's got a good sense of humor, good comedic timing and a good singing voice.
Her main guitar (an acoustic) is covered in silver glitter.
She writes her own music and lyrics and I understand she has many hits.
Best of all, she has a cat face and cat eyes that make her look naughty, which flies in the face of her modest demeanor.
I also like that she chews up young men and spits them out, never choosing to stick around too long because she's got things to do and people to meet. That poor young Taylor Lautner was swept into her web, then she cast him aside and moved on.
Her affair with Joe Jonas ended badly, so she wrote a bitter but witty song about him being such a gutless scoundrel.
Rumor has it she even had a weekend with John Mayer, which ended with her tweeting a poem about him being such a dirty old man and a dick.
She's nobody's fool, that's for sure.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Tom Delay's To Do List

1. Ask Dick DeGuerin if he'll take non-sequential, unmarked cash payments.
2. Tell Perry I'll let him blow me if he pardons me.
3. Ask somebody what it costs to open a used car business in Sugarland.
4. Time to renew exterminator license.
5. Call ABC and ask if convicted felons can vote on Dancing With the Stars.
6. Put dancing costumes for sale on e-bay.
7. Ask somebody what it costs to open up a dance lesson studio.
8. Try to get my own reality show like Palin's.
9. Go on Glenn Beck's show and cry louder than he does.
10. Write an Op Ed piece about left wing media bias.
11. Find out what it costs to get a tea party membership.
12. Ask all those TX GOP guys I got elected for my money back.
13. Ask ABC if they are planning an 'All Stars' Dancing With the Stars show.
14. Ask about getting on Skating With the Stars.
15. Write a book about Jesus, Politics and Redemption
16. Call Bravo and see if they'll start a Real Housewives of Houston and get the wife to go on it. ($$$!)
17. Check on prices for a used exterminator van.
18. Check sofa cushions, jackets and pants for spare change.
19. Put Palin on Facebook friends list.
20. Learn to do the Twitter.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Secret Diary Of Sarah Palin, Authoress

Aww jeeze here I go again on another book tour!!!
LOL!! When it came down to booktouring or taking care of Todd and all those those doggone kids, I got busy on my PeeCee and penned another great book, only with a little help from a "freindly ghost" (writer!LOL!)
Sure I could of stayed in Alaska but my public needs me like a fish needs a dog-gone glass of water. And speaking of fish, I caught a 25 pound halibut; well, it was for my new show so I didnt catch it per say but thru the magic of television it looked like I caught him. Anyhow, he was on deck wiggling his little heart out so I had to get my trusty seal club and bop him until the deed was did. Moreon that later.
Of course the leftwing media pundints went nucular over it like I was murdering someone like a human or something. Because they have to buy there halibut for a gajillion dollars a lb. at the market. Jealous much?! LOL!!
Actually I saw alot of simularities between that fish and my self; some times I feel like I'm about to be clubbed and eaten by you're average media type, irregardless of my stature as a former VeePee candidate.
So anyways, I jetted down to El Lay as much as I could of had time for; to watch Bris on Dancing with the Stars and my oh my what a star she turned into right before my eyes. Her costumes were a little on the risquay side but I asked her how she expected to find a new man all wrapped up like a Morman.
Anyways, she really improved but the left wing judges always gave her the bottom of the wrung scores because their soooo jealous of what shes always have.
Even though shes all ways been a little volumptious (that danm eskimo blood of Todds!!) she looked smokin hot out there with her partner Mark Balast. I wonder what kinda name Balast is, is it jewish or gay or what? Bris and me discussed it but we really cant tell whether hes "light in his loafers" or not. LOL! John McC taught me that one! LOL!
So anyways, some stupid pundint asked me if I thought I could beat Obama and I said heck yeah!! I should of said MYOB! LOL!!!
So Im keeping it on the QT but this booktour is sorta a fishing expedishion to feel the waters for a possible bid for the oval office come 2012 Time.
I dont know why they call it oval because in the pictres I seen it seems more round to me. Whatever!! LOL.
Oh I forgot to tell u the latest media attack against my family and I. My show Sarah Palins Alaska debewed debet opened with a huge audience, the hugest in the history of the channel its on, but week two the audience ALLEDGEDLY dropped by 40%. What a load of hockey pucks!!! Its a great show featuring all the grandure of my beautiful state with a lot of wholesome family values like fishin and huntin and all that good stuff. And of coarse the kids n Todd just luv being around me. Ever since I started earning the breadwinner; everyone in the Family really has been toeing the line with me--or no free trips or designer lables or a new snow machines every year for Todd; and your darn tootin' they know I mean business.
The media also asked me if Id let that _itch Katy Curick interview me again and I blasted em! I said "no way would I waste my time on her ever again!!!" Payback is a _itch, Baby!!! LOL! Heck I may as well go on Rachel Meadows' show and let her make googoo eyes at me!!! Or Keith Oberman!! Hes truely evil!!!
Anyways, Willow is making supper because tonite is the big nite---when Bris wins that gorgeous mirror ball trophy for being the best dancing with the stars dancer.
Shes (Willow's) makeing another salmon casserole which I am getting tired of but it beats me having to do it!!!LOL!
And Piper is being a good mama's little helper with that baby and all. Shes almost acting like he is her baby!! But of course shes too young to be anybodies mother.
Willow is another storey, but thats a subject for another day. Kids in Alaska sure grow up quick, thats all I can have the liberty of saying right now.
Anyways, I will be going to all the red states to sign my autographs on all those books, and this time I made them make a sign that says SIGNED COPYS CAN NOT BE RETURNED FOR REFUND OR EXCHANGE. We learned that one the hard way last go around. LOL!!
TaTa for now, dear diary. Maybe I should start calling it a journal, since I am a journalist n' all. "The Journal of Sarah Palin" hmm that has a good ring to it. LOL!!
Let's Connect the Dots, Shall We?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, American airline travelers trying to clear security have been given a choice between electronic body scans or manual pat-downs on every square inch of their bodies.
Sure, the body scans reveal too much of the anatomy and can cause embarrassment and potential exposure on the Internet, but would it be better to let some random airport security clerk feel you up from head to toe?
Some people are reluctant to be electronically screened because they fear exposure to radiation, especially pilots, flight attendants and frequent business travelers.
Some men and women have sensitive penises and/or nipples. A light stroke during a manual pat-down could easily result in hardened erectile tissue that could warrant closer, even more humiliating examination.
Neither option is suitable, and one wonders why the sudden introduction to these procedures without a big roll-out or even a governmental statement before the enhanced screening programs began.
Then I heard on the news the company that manufactures the enhanced body scanning machines have more than doubled the amount they spent last year on political lobbyists and campaign contributions.
So they set up a choice: have some potentially creepy weasel fondling breasts, buttocks, vaginas, penises and testicles to their heart's content, or have your body screened so the clerks can basically see what you look like totally nude.
In my opinion, most travelers would prefer not to have a stranger's hands on their entire bodies, so they'd opt for the still-invasive electronic option.
The sudden introduction of these so-called security measures made me suspicious--then when I heard about the lobbyists, it all fell into place.
This further proves that America has become a fascist nation, where corporations dictate to elected officials what their policies will be.
Politicians may enter office with a sincere desire to serve their constituents, but running for office is extremely expensive and Joe Sixpack's $20 annual contribution to the candidate of his choice isn't enough to get him or her elected...even for a local office like the city council or a school board.
To be sure, we need our airports to be as secure as the Tel Aviv airport, but decisions on how to detect malicious passengers should be based on reality, not on campaign donations made by slimy corporate lobbyists.
Obama's people are making all sorts of ludicrous statements trying to justify these two odious new search methods.
Et tu, Barack?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Skating With the Stars:
The Worst Show in the History of Network TV

ABC has a real flop on its hands with the debut of "Skating with the Stars."
Although I'm providing this photo of the "stars" on the show, I'm not going to identify them, just to prove they're a pack of nobodies that nobody will care about.
The premise is easy- they go out on the ice with pro partners and try not to fall down or lacerate themselves on their skate blades.
The judges are predictable: flagrant homosexual champion skater Jonny Weiss, ancient skating champ Dick Button and some black chick who claims to be a choreographer- not for ice, just regular dancing. She talks way too much and says way too little.
I willed myself to watch the entire show so I could provide my readers with an accurate assessment, but trust me, it won't happen again.
Take it from someone who'll watch almost any crap (including professional ice skating competitions) on TV, this show is a dud, an exceedingly bad rip-off of Dancing with the Stars, and even the host is someone you'd love to punch right in the mouth.
I hated it.
If you saw it (which I doubt) give us your take.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Oh for God's Sake

By now, everyone knows that Hog Bristle Palin has waddled into the finals of Dancing with the Stars. She beat out Brandi and Maks, who had earned a 30 out of 30 in their last dance.
She started out the season as shy and lacking confidence, with a complete lack of rhythm or musicality. Now she's very confident with a complete lack of rhythm or musicality.
It's obvious the teabaggers have launched a national stuff the ballot campaign, which proves once and for all they don't care what their horse lacks, they just want their horse to win.
When they interview Bristle as to her reaction to getting into the finals, she says, "I think I deserve to be here because I've worked my butt off."
First of all, her large butt and thighs are still fully present, so she hasn't worked anything off. And secondly, her newly found self confidence is making her as obnoxious as her dominating mother.
She's not intelligent, her disposition is lousy and her only talent so far is the ability to breed.
After the results were announced, a guy who looks a lot like Wilfred Brimley took out his shotgun and blasted his TV screen to smithereens. The cops came and there was a brief stand-off before he was arrested.
If I could afford it, I'd do the same damn thing.
I'm pretty sure ABC executives are freaking out about now.
If Palin wins, everyone to the left of Gunga Din will boycott the show, me included.
But truth be told, ABC has already let this go too far.
The judges should get 70 percent and the TV viewers should get 30 percent of who gets the boot and who gets to stay.
Palin and her mama's teabagger pals have managed to ruin what used to be a really good show. I liked her better when she was a self conscious lump.
Are you watching this season? What do you think of her dancing?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It Must Be Love

Oh, brother.
Chaz Bono brought his girlfriend to the premiere of his mom's new movie "Burlesque."
I'm not a body language expert, but I know enough to know when someone is more interested in publicity than the man she's with.
Chaz has his eyes closed while kissing, while whatshername gives a big gummy smile right into the camera lens.
Maybe Chaz should stop chasing bimbos for a while, get his ass to a gym and start losing some of that fat. A hundred extra pounds is too much extra to lug around, and it obviously attracts the wrong kind of woman.
If having complicated sexual reassignment surgery was do-able for Chaz, how hard could a lap-band procedure be?
This is a disturbing photo on way too many levels.
Make it stop!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Secret Diary of George W. Bush

Dear dairy,
I tell ya what, this booktour is a whole lotta hard work.
First off, I gotta keep all the facts straight when I answer to the pundints' questions, or else, I end up on the huffington post looking like some kinda dumbass.
But one really good idea was adding that story about Ma showing me that dead baby in the maynnaise jar. I think it showed the people how impressionistick I was as a boy and how it moulded my strong chararter in General as a grownup.
I went on Ophars show, and, man I thought she was really gonna stick it up my ass what with her being in love with Obama, and all, but she really went for the tears and all that schtick my people told me to pull so shed go easy on me and she did.
Man, I thought she was almost gonna make me some chicken and corn bread before it was all over. And she didnt come out an say it but I think she thinks Conyay West is a asshole just like I do.
Anyhow; this tour is turning out to be really good because i am reminding the fans what a patriot I am and how many really hard decision points i had to make as #43.
And I was sure to jab in there the bit about feeling sorry that the photographer took my pic in air force one as i was looking at the katrina damage from way far above it all. Because I didnt want to drain resources and all that. Whatever.
And man I've really been sticking it to Dick Chainey, also too. Now people know for sure he was not the boss of me and that I served at his pleasure, not the other way around, as the old saying use to go.
And I tell them sure I really love Sara Palin because them teabaggers will read any book about their idle Sara Palin!!! Do I hope she becomes president oneday? HA!HA!HA! who gives a shit?
Anyways, thats my dairy entrance for today. I'll try to write more pretty soon when I'm not out their selling a tons of my new book. But one thing is for sure: the kind of money this book is makeing for me makes the jack I made at the Whitehouse look like chicken scratch.
I may even haul off and write a nother one soon since this one has been so lucr lukr much of a moneymaker for me.!!!

Monday, November 08, 2010

The Public Relations/Marketing Accomplishment of the Century

How did pomegranates go from being junk fruit to nutritional super stardom?
As a kid, I recall pomegranate trees all over the neighborhood. The edible part was hard to appreciate because like artichokes, it took too much work for too little reward.
Pomegranates back then were far more useful as projectile weapons in playground wars, or pecked at by birds to produce more colorful poop.
At no point did my mother ever suggest we gather pomegranates as a fruit salad additive, a cocktail base or pie fixin's.
Like all fruit, pomegranates contain beneficial nutrients and vitamins, but how did they suddenly surpass apples, oranges and bananas in nutritional value?
It seems to me some crafty pomegranate tree growers hired a brilliant PR team to create a campaign of stratospheric success. One good campaign led to another, and now we are a nation that tries to use the sparse meat of the fruit in every conceivable combination.
I have never tried pomegranate juice, a pomegranate martini or any recipe that includes the seedy bits, but I have tasted pomegranates and I fail to see what all the hubbub is about.
The sudden upgrade in the status of pomegranates, like the teabagger movement, has been a remarkable marketing ploy that took something basically unappealing and made it into a sensation.
Yes, folks, pomegranates are the Sarah Palin of fruits.
You can have my share.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Enough is Enough.

I'm not entirely sure why this particular election dragged me to the end of my political rope, but it did.
From the first day I was eligible to vote, my late mother would drag me to the polls for any election, from local school boards to state and national races, voting was an activity Mom and I always shared with a passion.
On election day this year, I happily went to my precinct to get rid of Texas GOP Governor Rick the Prick Perry as well as several other scumbag GOP liars who needed to go.
Alas, someone must have slipped and blabbed to the GOP that they could pull one lever to vote a straight Republican slate, and they did it in droves.
This entire election season was peppered with vile, deceitful TV ads that were more about personalities than policies. Even the Democrats put out some gratuitously vicious ads this cycle.
I knew when the Supreme Court okayed unlimited, anonymous, corporate contributions, the right's effort to turn America into a fascist nation was a fait accompli.
Voting has become an exercise in futility.
Even my big sister, who's been up to her neck in politics throughout her career as an attorney for the state, had to literally be pushed by her persistent partner to the school across the street to vote.
But I see now why she was stricken with a bad case of Why the Fuck Bother.
Without one shot being fired, the right-wing and even worse, the teabaggers, have stolen our nation from us.
The crowning blow for me was one particular local race for judge.
The incumbent was a very competent lesbian who was respected and well liked among her peers.
Her opponent was a smarmy closet case lesbian, whose physician husband's salary allowed her to dabble in practicing law whenever she felt like it.
She managed to befriend a group of A-List lesbians and gay men who enabled her to get in good with the leadership of the local chapter of the Human Rights Campaign.
She donated more than $1,200 to the HRC, while the lesbian incumbent apparently lacked the funds to do the same.
Long story short, the HRC did not endorse the slimy Republican, but nor did they endorse the incumbent, clearly because she failed to pay up. The smarmy bitch won.
That did it for me.
Even the politi-queers put money before principles and the HRC is dead to me now.
I can't wait till they call me for an annual donation so I can blast whoever placed the call.
Fuck politics.
Fuck voting.
Fuck the pundits, the exit polls and the whole shifty process.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Thanks Dusty

A hat tip to my old friend Dusty for remodeling Pulp Friction, adding a new link to my favorite blogs and just being there in general. You're the best, Dusty.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

That Felt Good.

I love being a liberal Texan on election day.
See, I can look at the biggest, stupidest redneck Republican and say to his face, "I cancelled out your vote, Bubba."
I love knowing that all political ads on TV will cease tomorrow.
I love anticipating the national election results on MSNBC, with plenty of left-wing commentary to go with it.
I may not love any teabaggers who may get elected, but I will love watching them screw up whatever state was stupid enough to elect them.
I mean, you know teabaggers are idiots when a red state like Texas hasn't got one prominent teabagger on the ballot.
That means there was no reason for Sarah Palin to visit Texas during this election cycle, which was an added bonus.
Yep, voting in Texas feels damn good.
Did you vote today?