Tuesday, March 08, 2011

My Adventures With French Movies

Without rehashing my recent TV woes, I've been squeezing Netflix to death in terms of watching as many of their French movies as my eyes and ears will allow.
It all started innocently--I wanted to see on film places in Paris I've been before so I can reminisce.
Even if it's a movie that's set in the 1700's, most of the buildings still look the same, and the Parisian attitude never changes.
But I have noticed things about French movies, that no matter what the genre or era, they are always the same.
Here are some of the similarities in almost every movie:
-People are always nude and/or having sex
-Someone is cheating on someone else
-There's usually a piano at some point in the movie
-They love to break into song no matter what the genre
-They always take one sip of their tiny coffee cups and put it down
-The males love their mothers way too much
-The young, pretty females don't mind having sex with ugly old men
-Someone is always heartbroken and staring out through a rainy window
-Bitchy old women always sip bright red wine out of tiny stemware
-They all make a lot of noise when they reach orgasm
-Something emotionally draining always happens in a noisy bar or club
-Someone is always broke and someone is always filthy rich
-Everyone owns a cat
-All flats are one room with windows facing the noisy streets below
-All beds are narrower than double beds but wider than twin beds
-Everyone drinks, all the time, at all hours
-You never see anyone actually eating pastry
-The Eiffel Tower has to appear at least 10 times per movie
-The Seine River is always where stabbing victims are thrown
-Men are always barging in on women while they alone in churches
-Starring actors all end up talking to each other on their cell phones while they're within sight of one another
-The males are always dark haired, skinny and very hairy
-Isabelle Huppert always plays a repressed pervert
-Gerard Depardieu is in every movie ever made in or about Paris
-Nobody ever has a clean, new car
-Everyone gets into heated arguments or kissing scenes in the metro
-The more handsome the male lead, the bigger bastard he plays
-The prettier the female lead, the worse taste she has in men
-Only the women have regular dental visits
-Nobody at any point is modest about stripping nude, regardless of age or size
-Nobody has boob jobs or nose jobs
-Everyone smokes and nobody is allowed to comment on it
-Everyone prefers Marlboro Lights over any other brand

I could easily make a French movie that could win at Cannes.
Penniless boy meets rich girl. Boy cheats on girl. Girl gets even by cheating with the boy's father. Boy cries to his mother, who French kisses him to cheer him up.
Boy and girl end up naked in bed when father and mother are around and get caught. Nobody acts surprised or indignant. Everyone has a drink and smokes a Marlboro Light while they quietly snap at each other. The father brings out a pot of steaming rabbit stew he just made and they all act like it's delicious.
It's raining outside as they all look out at the Eiffel Tower.
The girl starts to sing and the rest of them sing back to her.
Then the girl stabs the boy's mother to death, transports her body in her Mini Cooper and throws her into the Seine.
Then they all go to the father's big house in the country, where they lounge around smoking and drinking wine while the maid plays piano. The maid is also the father's mistress.
The next morning, the son gets caught screwing the maid.
-the end-


bigsis said...

Movie makers tend to make movies that fulfill the vision they think an audience has about people and locations. Like those outdated Texas cowboy movies. I haven't ridden a horse to work since 1967. And who wears a holster on their hip anymore? My weapon is concealed.

Fran said...

After my first trip to France, I was in hot pursuit of any movie made in or around Paris. In 1979 I did not have many options. However, given the times and my outlook, in '80 or '81 I found the awful "French Postcards" which was timely for my own visit.

Needless to say I re-rented it (merci Netflix!) this summer when I did not get to go to Paris with my family.

It was awful. But I sure loved looking at Paris.

nonnie9999 said...

doesn't there have to be an avuncular older man brimming with wisdom and a twinkle in his eye? or were those just maurice chevalier movies that were made in english?

Lulu, the Dewey Dame said...

Soo.. what movies were these, exactly?

Distributorcap said...

but they all speak french

i saw Amelie because everyone said i had to see it

and you know what -it sucked