Thirty Things I've Learned About Work 1. There's always an asshole you are forced to work with. 2. If a male coworker or boss wears a tie with a short sleeved shirt, he's a loser with delusions of grandeur. 3. You may think your boss is your friend, but when it comes to money he/she is nobody's friend. 4. There is no I in team, but there is a ME. 5. Getting up early and dressing up for work is one of life's worst experiences. 6. Everyone rehearses before calling in sick, even if they really are sick. 7. The food is never any good at office parties. 8. A $50 holiday bonus is a slap in the face, especially if they tax it. 9. "Beats the hell out of me" is never the right answer when your boss asks you a question. 10. If your boss says "irregardless" or "utilize," he/she is an asshole. 11. Just assume they are all reading your e-mail. 12. Reports are just a pile of paper in a folder telling the boss what he/she wants to hear. 13. Lack of planning does not constitute an emergency or a reasonable excuse for your boss giving you ridiculous deadlines. 14. Never get drunk or high around coworkers or bosses. 15. Never have anyone from the office as a guest in your home. 16. The biggest gossip in the office also gossips about you. 17. Having sex or doing drugs with coworkers is always a bad idea. 18. Stay vague when answering personal questions. 19. Never tell coworkers or the boss when you're going on a lavish vacation. Just say you're staying home and doing chores. 20. Do not festoon your desk with toys you got from your happy meal. 21. Do not personalize your office with photos or mementos. That just invites snoopy questions. 22. Always chip in for gifts for the boss or coworkers, but demand to sign the card. 23. Bachelor/bachelorette parties for coworkers always get out of hand and result in embarrassing photos and/or sordid stories. Arrive on time and leave early. 24. If you hate kids, dogs or cats, keep that information to yourself. 25. Don't take more than a week's vacation at a time or else they'll figure out that you don't actually do much work. 26. If you're a civil servant, stay as average as possible and never offer any new ideas for cutting costs or streamlining procedures. They resent anything new. 27. Schedule dental appointments for early in the morning so it'll result in a whole day off because of medication and/or painful procedures. 28. It is perfectly all right to hide deodorant or soap in a stinky coworker's desk drawer. 29. Do not tell any coworkers or your boss that you have a Facebook account. 30. Do not discuss your love life with anyone at work, especially if it's on the rocks.