This has not been my day.
I went to get a haircut and the cutter was late so I wasted 45 minutes waiting and ended up leaving in a huff. Then I stopped to get a taco and some little shit of a kid kept running by and crashing into me. I got home and found a jury duty summons in my mailbox.
Oh no.
Now I gotta drag myself downtown at 8 a.m. on Dec. 2, find parking and head into the courthouse with the rest of the unwashed cattle.
After sitting around for three hours in a cramped room full of coughing people, I'll have to sit in some crappy courtroom for voir dire.
The lawyers will ask some basic questions and start smiling at me because I can speak and understand English.
Then I'll have to pull a stunt to get excused.
Last time, I stood up during voir dire and said I thought the plaintiff's lawyer was disrespectful to the court because he was wearing cowboy boots with a suit.
I went on to say this was a courtroom, not a rodeo and that cowboy boots should be worn with blue jeans or not at all. The whole courtroom started laughing, so I really started to lay it on thick, saying there was no way I could be impartial when I'd already decided the plaintiff's attorney was a hick whose politics were probably like Rush Limbaugh's, whom I hated.
Even the judge started laughing as he released me.
I make a terrible juror because I see things in black and white and I'm biased as hell.
If it's a man against a woman, I'll vote in favor of the woman.
If it's old versus young, I'll side with the geezer.
If it's a pot possession case, I'll hang the jury with my not guilty stand.
If one party looks Republican, I'll side with whoever they are against.
If both parties look Republican, I'll tell that to the judge and get excused.
If it's a civil case I'll die of boredom.
If it's a criminal case I'll assume the perp is guilty, unless it's a cute woman then I'll assume she's innocent.
If it's a sex crime I'll poison the jury with fast talk to find him guilty.
There's nothing about me any judge wants on a jury. Now I just have to go through the hassle of proving it. Again.
