How to Make Saddam Talk
These silly American men, trying all these tired old Geneva Conventional ways to get Saddam to tell what he knows. Give me a little time with the bastard, I have ways to get him to talk.
-Sure, he has to have food, but how about loading up his tray with pork chops, bacon, ham, pork rinds and a few pork ribs? His Islamic intestines will be bubbling in no time. He has to have water, too, so I suggest we get his from the Los Angeles area.
-Bring in the Queer Eye on the Straight Guy team. Not to redo his lifestyle while he's in confinement, but to act real faggoty and make out in front of him.
-Hire Sandra Bernhardt to come in and give him a few lap dances. That face so close to his will make him squeal Iraqi secrets like a little bitch.
-Bedtime for Saddam? Time to fire up the VCR for a night of blaring, nonstop Barney the Dinosaur, Catholic masses on Cable, George W. Bush speeches, old Martha Stewart Living episodes, and some classic Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch shows.
-Clothing must be provided. Let's start by making him wear Lil's old panties on his head. Add to that one of Madonna's bustiers with the pointy cups. Finish it off with Rupert's skirt and some real pointy Manolo Blahnik stilettos in a nice chartreuse patent leather. Then broadcast photos and video of his new look to the world.
-He must have a place to sleep, so I say he's given a fold-out sofa bed, the kind with the big bar in the middle. One night of that and anyone would be ready to talk.
-Companionship is important. Bring in four unaltered, horny alley cats, and skip the litter box. And don't forget the cage of gerbils on an un-oiled treadmill for maximum squeakage. Should we add a monkey or two? How about a parrot?
-Environmentally, I'd suggest venting in the fragrances of clove cigarettes, peach or rose scented incense from any dollar store, and the essence of Shaquille O'Neal's sweaty, mildewed socks and jock.
-Toiletry amenities must be provided. I'd include toilet tissue treated with asbestos fibers, pine tar soap and any shampoo made by Suave. For his shaving needs, nothing beats a Lady Epilator.
-He might also need a cellmate to encourage him to share what he knows. Who else but the charming and eloquent Barcodie? How many days could Saddam take that?