I have a notice on my desk that says I have to report for jury duty at 1 p.m. on Thursday.
It's not just any jury duty, it's outskirts jury duty.
I don't even get to go to the giant, old limestone courthouse downtown, this is jury duty in some strip center in a part of town where low riders cruise the boulevard, you can buy five tacos for $1.99, and everyone's name has a Z in it somewhere.
This is not jury duty presided over by a judge, it's justice of the peace jury duty, which makes it even more piss-ant.
I am not what you'd call a likely juror. I have no patience for criminals and I don't care much for lawyers, either.
Unless I want to, I never get past voir dire. Here's why:
Q: Ms Zipdrive, do you believe people can be a little bit right and wrong?
A: No. They are either right or wrong, no in between.
Q: Do you ever spend time around young people?
A: No, I hate them.
Q: Do you have any hobbies?
A: No, hobbies are for lazy people.
Q: Do you think nursing homes are good places for elderly people?
A: Only the ones you're trying to kill off.
Q: Do you have any trouble hearing or seeing?
Q: Have you been on a jury before?
A: Yes, me and 11 imbeciles.
Q: Do you believe the local police do a good job?
A: Yes, at corruption they do an excellent job.
Q: Do you believe insurance companies have to pay too much in settlements?
A: I don't think they pay enough.
Q: Do you think lawyers can be honest?
A: This is a trick question, right?
Actually, I just made up all that stuff.
In Texas, for me to skip jury duty is easy. I just tell them what I really think and they can't wait to dismiss me.
The one time I got selected, it was a child custody dispute.
The father was an ex druggie who'd found Jesus and dragged his kids to his recovering addicts' church every day he had custody of them. The mother seemed very nice, but she'd started dating again, and I think she was dragged into a custody dispute because the ex husband was jealous.
Take a wild guess who got to keep her kids.