Some Celebrity Observations and More

By now all my regular readers (both of them) know I am obsessed with certain celebrities and TV shows.
My most recent addiction has been "Dancing With the Stars." Oh, how I surprised myself squealing like a girl when certain contestants performed.
In fact, last week I went to watch the Spurs game with a butch friend of mine and we both admitted we preferred to watch "Dancing" and switch over to the game just to get the score.
I think Anton Apolo Ohno deserved to win, as much as Joey Fatone or Laila Ali deserved it. How I came to love all three of them. Google the phrase "brick house" and you'll see Laila wearing that red dress.
But now they must recast the show and I have at least one brilliant suggestion for the IDEAL contestant.
Clues: She loves to dance, she's in good shape, America loves her despite her eccentricities and she'd be very entertaining.
Yep- it's Ellen DeGeneres. I can just picture her with a hot female dance partner, wearing the same little suits as the boy contestants wear. Admit it, America, with Ellen on that show you'd all watch the hell out of it. I bet even Vermont Lulu would spring for a little flatscreen and break her TV boycott.

I read that demi-celebrity Lindsey Lohan recently bumped her car into a utility pole and landed in the hospital with injuries. The police suspected drugs and/or alcohol were involved in the wee hours accident.
Whoa, didn't she just get out of rehab?
For such a youngster, she's really outpaced her scumbag celebri-girl posse as an up and coming girl Nick Nolte. Damn, she needs to hire a driver. I hear Minnie Driver has some time on her hands.

Speaking of vehicular menaces, maybe it's menopause or maybe it's my new, much faster car but I am about to commit road rage-related assault. It seems the entire city has been notified that if they are on a side road and see me coming, it is now a law to pull out in front of me and go real slow while they gleefully watch me stomp my brakes until they smoke. Same goes for the fast lane. Rule of thumb, if you're moseying along in the fast lane at 55 mph and you see a car approaching at 85 mph with their bright lights flashing, move the hell over.

And one more thing. By now, do you think I could get by with it if I went ahead and keyed or otherwise defaced vehicles that are still displaying pro-Bush bumper stickers?
There's a big ass mini-van in my office parking lot with a sticker that says, "I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than ride with Teddy Kennedy." Whenever I see it I want to etch in the windshield, "Please do."

Now that Rosie O'Donnell has had her final meltdown on "The View," there's talk that Barbara Walters wants to draft Roseanne Barr as her replacement. That's too predictable. I say hire Lindsey Lohan. Have her come on the show as fucked up as she wants- let her put Grey Goose in her coffee mug and blow in the candy dish. Come on, it's all about controversy and ratings so give the people what they want. Let her conduct all the "serious" interviews n' stuff.

Speaking of great television moments, at the moment I am feasting my ears and the corners of my eyes on "The Simple Life," where Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have gotten jobs at some small town Sonic Drive-in.
Just before they were issued the requisite hairnets, they were asked to fill out their paperwork. Both got stumped on the "how many dependents do you want to claim" portion of the form.
When they were tasked with putting up the new sign letters, they put, "Half price anal salty weiner bugars all day."

Let's face it, America. We are fucked.