Sunday, November 04, 2007

Back to the Snark!

Now that Mama has had her beautiful send-off and life is returning to normal, I have to discuss a new topic that's been gnawing at me for a while now.
The Mormons.
It turns out I am incredibly intolerant of the most intolerant "Christian" religion I can name. You know why they call it the Church of the Latter Day Saints? Because the men think they are saints. No, really.
This recent disgruntlement has been prompted by two things- the CEO at my former job Mr. Schmutz was a pissy little Mormon and so is that phony Mitt Romney.
Both are richer than hell Republicans because they worship MONEY more than anything else. Neither of them gives a shit about people, unless those people are in lockstep with them and accept their authority without question.
Before I made the final decision that I can't stand Mormons, I took the time to read about them on their own web sites. I wanted to be fair.
Here's what I discovered.
1. THEY REALLY DO WEAR MAGIC UNDERWEAR. Yes, they wear special underwear under their real underwear because it gives them x-ray vision, allows them to fly and gives them the power to detect lies. Their magic drawers have all kinds of mystical embroidered patches on them that boost their superhuman powers.
2. When a Mormon man dies, he inherits his very own planet that he populates with his progeny. That's one reason why they multiply like deranged rabbits.
3. A Mormon woman cannot get into Mormon heaven unless the man who owns her (aka her husband) says her secret name upon her death, which is basically a backstage pass issued by Jesus to the woman's owner.
4. Mormons think they are the only Christians who have the inside track with Jesus, therefore they have preferred status in Heaven because they are already saints by the time they get there. Women Mormons don't have the same status, but they are special just by proximity to their saint husbands, kind of like a rock star's roady.
5. They not only think homosexuality is an abomination, they devote entire web pages with messages to Mormon boys cautioning them not to masturbate. They suggest cool showers with the door left ajar, sleeping in pajamas bottoms that are hard to undo, brief time spent on the toilet, singing hymns when the urge to jack off hits, sleeping while holding a small Bible, and consulting with a Mormon Bishop after an unfortunate nocturnal emission occurs.
6. They think sinners (aka non-Mormons) deserve to be taken for all they're worth, using their own vices against them. Take the Mormon owned Marriott hotel chain, for instance. They have no qualms about offering in-room porn movies because they make a mint from it.
7. They pretend that polygamy no longer exists, yet the Mormons basically run the Utah government and tacitly approve of the tens of thousands of practicing polygamists there by refusing to enforce the laws against it.
8. The incidence of statutory rape and incest against young Mormon girls by adult males is as high or higher than the average in the general U.S. population. Same goes for domestic violence.
9. You cannot attend a temple service or even enter a Mormon temple unless you're a member who can prove membership. The hierarchy is so exclusionary and white, older male dominated, even those born into Mormonism can't rise to the highest levels of the church leadership without an invite from the Big Men. They all wear white from top to bottom (shoes included) to exceptions.
10. Women cannot assume leadership positions in the church. They are slightly better regarded than blacks, but not by much.
11. If your child is a Mormon and you are not, you are not allowed inside to witness their temple wedding.
12. Temple weddings are done in large groups, without flowers, music or celebration. Just solemn mumbo jumbo from the old, white men officiating. Ceremonies are very fast and receptions are out of the question. A bride over the age of 21 is considered an old has-been who's lucky to get ANY Morman man to marry her.
13. Mormons are not allowed to swear, drink alcohol or caffeine, no smoking and no close dancing. Even most music is considered sinful. They are encouraged not to socialize with non-Mormons. All that's left for them is marital sex, which they consider a marathon event. A Mormon man with fewer than five kids is considered a real failure, so they fuck themselves silly and breed with their wives until their uteruses fall out. An elderly widower is encouraged to remarry quickly and start breeding immediately.
14. They are chock full of secret handshakes, manly secrets, gibberish code words, covert rites and rituals that make the Shriners and Knights of Columbus look like gossipy blabbermouths.
15. Unless you're a conservative, repressed, white male you simply cannot become an important Mormon. Therefore, your Christian religion and connection to Jesus is negligible at best.
And Mitt Romney has the colossal balls to think he can legitimately sidestep questions about his insane cult membership. Must be his magic underwear that makes him so fucking special.


Anonymous said...

The best dentist I ever had was a Mormon. He did exceptional work. I have no more beef with the Mormans than I do with the Amish or Quakers. They're all outside the mainstream of society, and good for them I say.

Lulu Maude said...

What fun to read about those kinky beliefs!

Mormon missionaries hit Vermont every summer. Young guys aged 19 are named Elders, which I guess is good preparation for early sainthood.

When I was in high school and early college, it was always fun to pick up the paper and learn that some classmate had gone to BYU for a year and a half, then come home for the inevitable wedding. Apparently there is some notorious make-out spot on the campus that seals early unions. Now that I read your description of women's role in the church, I can see that a college degree wouldn't be a high priority.

CLD said...

There were several Mormons attending my high school in Japan. The Base Commander and his brood were Mormon. They were always inviting us to their fellowship meetings -- usually in someone's home; there wasn't a Temple nearby. And they'd always try to scare the bejeezus out of us to make us convert. They were also the first ones [the kids] to be experimenting with sex.

Lulu Maude said...

Where'dja get the undies??

karenzipdrive said...

The undies were googled.
Amish and Quakers don't try to foist their beliefs on people they deem to be inferior, and none of them are running for president or fucking up peoples' careers.
Fortunately, this is still a free country where we can all express ourselves. Anon, I'm glad your Mormon dentist did right by you. They do very well when everything is totally under their control.

dguzman said...

But hardly anyone has even asked about his beliefs, and when they do, you're right--he just double-shuffles and *poof* the question is gone.

I don't have a problem with mormons, per se; I have a problem with any religion that puts women into a subordinate role--i.e. all of them. Oh wait--shit, that's right: that's why I'm an atheist.

bigsis said...

It always puzzles me how these men find women to go along with such weird scams. I guess if they start the brainwashing in childhood it just becomes a way of life for the females.

karenzipdrive said...

I think a lot of women were reared to obey men because they buy into the male superiority thing and all that Biblical jibber-jabber.
Look at the corporate structure and you'll see women don't have that good ole' boy mentality.
I think it's also because boys are taught to work together in sports teams as kids and girls are just supposed to play Barbie and jacks and shit.
I also think some females want to be taken care of and not have to make any decisions. That way they don't have to be held accountable for anything.

Lulu Maude said...

Where can I get me some of that there magic underwear? That's what I wanna know.

p.s. In the corporate structure the women often want to fuck the good ole boys.

Lulu Maude said...

p.p.s you so recently discovered.

karenzipdrive said...

Lulu, in my research I read something about certain LDS gift shops adjacent to temples stocking the magic bloomers- but you have to know what they are called and they keep them out of sight.
Not only are they magic- apparently they're secret.

Distributorcap said...

and Donny Osmond's father died today --- did he get his own planet

karenzipdrive said...

Well, God knows he has enough freakin' progeny to populate it. Marie alone had eight kids.