The Top Secret Diary of Tiger Woods
Holy shit! My lips are still swollen from the beating Elin gave me with that 3-iron.
New rule: never take two Ambien and fall asleep with a pissed off Viking on the loose.
What a day I've had.
I snuck outside and hid in the Border Collie's house with my cell phone and called at least 12 women and asked them to have their guy friends record new voicemail messages for their phones. That oughtta fool the Viking.
I've also ordered a 10-carat diamond ring for her and a necklace that spells out "My Bad" in diamonds. Kobe gave me the name of his jeweler.
My food has been tasting funny lately, so I asked Elin why and she said "saltpeter." It must be some kind of nutritional supplement and it tastes like ass, but I don't dare complain or she'll tee up my face again.
Meanwhile, every hoochie I've ever screwed has come out of the woodwork to blab about affairs we had. I should have given all of them roofies so their memories would be shot, but no, I had to be the good guy.
I got a note from Buick thanking me for not crashing one of their shitmobiles into that tree. Ha Ha, very funny.
I might have to buy a burka so I can go out in public without being smothered by the paparazzi. I'm sure Elin would love seeing me in one of those, plus it would cover up the electronic ankle bracelet and GPS locator she slapped on me.
I've started getting used to peeing with my dick Superglued to my leg, but it's still a little tricky.
I spoke to my lawyer Bob and he's going ahead with the plan to send Sarah Palin a check for $100k to start saying lots of even stupider stuff to keep her face in the news.
Also, Bob is looking into financing a sex tape for the DC party crashers, introducing Levi Johnston to Miley Cyrus, and finding someone to dope up Robert Pattinson so they can shoot nude pics of him with another dude.
Bob's been a really good guy thru all this. I'm starting to feel bad about banging his wife.
Speaking of banging chicks, Elin has fired the nanny, all the maids and the newspaper delivery girl because she's suspicious of all of them. What could I say? I mean, it's not like I haven't screwed all of them.
The main thing is, I'm glad Elin has decided against divorcing me. She told me if we got a divorce I could keep my clubs, but she'd definitely get my balls. Ouch!