Saturday, December 05, 2009

The Top Secret Diary of Tiger Woods

Dec. 4

Holy shit! My lips are still swollen from the beating Elin gave me with that 3-iron.
New rule: never take two Ambien and fall asleep with a pissed off Viking on the loose.
What a day I've had.
I snuck outside and hid in the Border Collie's house with my cell phone and called at least 12 women and asked them to have their guy friends record new voicemail messages for their phones. That oughtta fool the Viking.
I've also ordered a 10-carat diamond ring for her and a necklace that spells out "My Bad" in diamonds. Kobe gave me the name of his jeweler.
My food has been tasting funny lately, so I asked Elin why and she said "saltpeter." It must be some kind of nutritional supplement and it tastes like ass, but I don't dare complain or she'll tee up my face again.
Meanwhile, every hoochie I've ever screwed has come out of the woodwork to blab about affairs we had. I should have given all of them roofies so their memories would be shot, but no, I had to be the good guy.
I got a note from Buick thanking me for not crashing one of their shitmobiles into that tree. Ha Ha, very funny.
I might have to buy a burka so I can go out in public without being smothered by the paparazzi. I'm sure Elin would love seeing me in one of those, plus it would cover up the electronic ankle bracelet and GPS locator she slapped on me.
I've started getting used to peeing with my dick Superglued to my leg, but it's still a little tricky.
I spoke to my lawyer Bob and he's going ahead with the plan to send Sarah Palin a check for $100k to start saying lots of even stupider stuff to keep her face in the news.
Also, Bob is looking into financing a sex tape for the DC party crashers, introducing Levi Johnston to Miley Cyrus, and finding someone to dope up Robert Pattinson so they can shoot nude pics of him with another dude.
Bob's been a really good guy thru all this. I'm starting to feel bad about banging his wife.
Speaking of banging chicks, Elin has fired the nanny, all the maids and the newspaper delivery girl because she's suspicious of all of them. What could I say? I mean, it's not like I haven't screwed all of them.
The main thing is, I'm glad Elin has decided against divorcing me. She told me if we got a divorce I could keep my clubs, but she'd definitely get my balls. Ouch!


Anonymous said...

damn pbunnie and damn good writing and what an imagination !!!!

"... but it's still a little tricky" made me blow boogs and fizz coca cola out of my nose !!! a clean septum is what i am talking about !!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

He's an idiot for cheating on that hot Swedish wife of his.

bigsis said...

A 4th bouncy young blonde just announced she'd had a 2 year fling with Tiger. Just like Tiger's golf balls, she's also white with dimples.

nonnie9999 said...

he needs a caddy just for his condoms (only because he needs a golf cart for his money).

Dusty said...

I got a note from Buick thanking me for not crashing one of their shitmobiles into that tree. Ya know..I actually mused about that when I saw he was driving a Caddy. ;)

This is so awesome KZ. You rock woman!

herisson said...

Leave Tiger alone ! So what if he has affairs.
I love this "he's going ahead with the plan to send Sarah Palin a check for $100k to start saying lots of even stupider stuff to keep her face in the news." !!!

Karen Zipdrive said...

I'll bet Wilt Chamberlain has called Tiger and said, "Damn, you're a ho, boy!"

Dusty said...

You know his wife moved out of the house today right KZ?

Can't say as I blame her either.

Karen Zipdrive said...

No, Dusty, I didn't hear that.
No news of that on The Google, either. Where'd you hear that?

deb said...

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' Wife, Has MOVED OUT Of Woods' Home, Report Says - Huffington Post

I have a question. Should this be a private matter between a husband and wife, or should it be the entire world's business? A man I know told me the other day that it's no one's business (just T&E's private matter). A famous news commentator said if he wanted a normal life he should have lived a normal life and "played golf on the weekends with your friends like the rest of us" and then no one would care what he did "except maybe your wife."

Your diaries are always creative and entertaining.

Dusty said...

On Countdown and verified it on Google News.

Pinky swear chica!

Type in Elin moves out

Karen Zipdrive said...

If she moved out, why was Tiger's mother in law rushed to the ER from his house this morning? No way would the M-I-L be staying at his house without her daughter being there.
Damn--he might be the best golfer in history, but his dick is about 10 over par.

bigsis said...

Elin's mother and sister both moved and I'm sure those 3 Vikings will cool Tiget's ardor, at least for awhile. Now the MIL has been hospitalized. Maybe it was her shift to whomp up on Tiger and she over worked herself and passed out.

Anonymous said...

The number of Tiger hoes emerging from the bushes is starting to remind me of all the fools here who claim they were at the Bills' comeback game against Houston in 92. I'm beginning to wonder if there will be more tigerettes than fans in the stadium that day by the time this story slides to page 6.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Apparently the only women he hasn't fucked is me, my big sister and FranIam.
I think he may have nailed Dusty when she was high and thought he was one of her kitties trying to get warm.

Am I perverse to wonder when some cocktail waiter will be coming forward to say he blew Tiger?

Distributorcap said...

you think he would have learned from a-rod and his rod

did you read about his derek jeter fantasy