Thursday, August 24, 2006

Runway Robbery!

On Project Runway last night, the challenge was for the eight remaining designers to whip up couture confections for the mothers and sisters of the other designers.
In the order of viewer's favorites:
1. Michael, the bootywear designer from Atlanta with back to back wins, selected Barbie doll designer Robert's pretty sister Teresa, who flew in from London to be in the show. He created a very sweet reversible shirtwaist dress in black, with a black and white floral print inside.
2. Uli drew Oklahomo Kayne's Big Mama Judy and dressed her very flatteringly in a muted paisley top with khaki pants. I thought her design should have won.
3. Vincent, the twitching nebbish dressed Uli's mother Heidi in a simple black dress with a wide tan collar. I wasn't crazy about it, but the judges loved it.
4. Laura, the redheaded architect who we discovered is pregnant with kid number six, drew tattooed, weak-chinned Jeffrey's very conventional mother Pam. She dressed her in an exaggerated nautical theme, which was tailored well, but otherwise not up to Laura's usual design standards.
5. Kayne drew Michael's plus sized mama Pamela and put her in a coral top and matching scarf and cute khaki capris. I thought she looked good, but Nina Garcia apparently hates the color coral...not to mention big women.
6. Hopespun Angela, who looks like my big sister's first girlfriend, drew Laura's redheaded mama Lorraine and stuck her into a black dress with fringe and leggings. The judges and viewers savaged her design, but it wasn't all that bad.
7. Boring Barbie's Robert drew Vincent's enormous sister Patricia. He designed for her a bland red poncho over a shapeless black sack dress. Her scowl on the runway didn't help the ensemble one bit.
8. And then there was Jeffrey no-chin, who admitted in the voice-over that he was formerly a homeless junkie. Gee, what a shock.
Naturally, he was last to pick and got stuck with his arch enemy Angela's mother Darlene.
He whined about her being a plus size and refused to listen to her when she described her fashion preferences, instead opting for a melange of black, dark purple and a touch of periwinkle fabric to produce the ugliest, most unflattering piece of crap in PR history.
No, really! Check it out:
It looked like something my 7th grade Home Ec teacher Mrs. Malolepsy would have forced me to sew, after I got the D for the red denim gym bag she made me sew.
The collar on No-Neck's dress was lopsided, the buttons were jumbo and there was an odd, asymetrical purple triangle sewn to one side of the collar.
What's worse, Jeffrey was so rude to the poor lady she actually started crying, which made Angela cry as well. Jeffrey's incongruently Leave it to Beaver-style mother tried to intervene on his behalf, but she was just as cold to Angela's mom as her junkie/alkie kid was.
I can tolerate a lot of crap, but being rude to someone's mother is to me the height of evil.
If anyone spoke to my mother and made her cry, I'd be doing time about now.
Jeffrey proved he was a one-trick pony like Santino from last season. He can't design anything but off-kilter slutwear in size 4 or smaller. Good luck, you fucking chump.
Even Vincent, whom I find creepy and distasteful, was sweet and gentle with Uli's German mama. In fact, he designed for her so carefully the judges selected his design as the winner.
He cried and hugged the mom when he won, which made me almost like him for a few moments. Humility is a virtue, even with neurotic creeps.
The big loser was Robert, who took the easy way out with the baggy, fat lady tarp he threw together for Vincent's gigantic sister. The judges knew Jeffrey deserved the ax, but he makes for ratings controversy so they kept his sorry ass on the show.
Robert has been surprisingly bland for the last three challenges though, so it probably was time for him to leave.
Now that Laura has Kayne isolated without his best buddy Robert, look to her to level him with a few more caustic barbs. Two redheads...go figure.


bugm3n07 said...

Anybody read this yet?

Karen Zipdrive said...

I read it. It was creepy, but as a lesbo I'd happily marry a big earnin' woman.

dusty said...

good luck you fucking chump! God you crack me up..I love your reviews..they are should do this shit for a living..