Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Secret Diary of Mitt Romney

Golly gee, who'd a thunk that Catholic guy Dick Santorium in the sweater vests would have gotten as close as he did?
And Newt, with his three wives--and I don't mean simultaneous marriages, either, I mean wear one out and get another! Such a sinner!
People may snigger at the LDS way, making fun of our magic undergarments and such, but by golly gee whillikers, I guess we showed 'em in Arizona and Michigan.
And by golly, to heck with the naysayers, what's wrong with Mrs. Romney and I having a little money saved up?
Some say I should be ashamed that I worked hard for Bain Capital and received only a few thousand dollars an hour for my expertise. Some even think it wrong that I spread my money into Swiss and Cayman bank accounts. Why, doesn't everyone do that?
I am raring to go against Hussein Obama, you can be darn tootin' of that.
I think all good Americans know his Socialist Kenyan roots mean only one thing-Muslim.
But of course I don't plan to negatively campaign against him. I'm sure folks just take a look at the missus and me and see Ward and June Cleaver, and they look at the Obamas and see H. Rap Brown and his wife Angela Davis.
Is that the America we grew up in? For gosh sakes, no.
Look, the Good Lord will tell you I'm a humble man of humble origins.
I had to work hard for every cent my father bequeathed me, and I'm not ashamed to roll up my sleeves and watch that money grow, untaxed in Switzerland and the Caymans like the Good Lord intended.
Yesirree, I think once the wonderful American people take a look at the two candidates, things will be as clear as black and white.
In fact, once the LDS leader spoke to God, he realized that yes, even those people should be allowed in most LDS temples. Sure, maybe not The Big One in Salt Lake City, but these things take time.
Let's give the American voters credit.
They gave the negro a fair chance and he's just not the right kind of president.
You and I know it, diary, we just have to keep that on the QT until I am sworn in.
I know just what to do with the economy. You bet I do.


Lulu Maude said...

Freudian slip dyslexia!

bigsis said...

What a great guy. Almost inspires me to want to go out and posthumously baptize some Jews.