Wednesday, June 29, 2005

It's All 9/11 and Nancy's Fault

In Bush's speech about Iraq last night, he managed to refer to 9/11 five times in 28 minutes.
Apparently he still thinks Iraq had something to do with the Saudi terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.
Though no connection has been made by anyone, Bush apparently ignores that and continues to believe his own warped thinking.
In other news...
My neighbor across the street, Nancy, keeps parking on her front lawn. She does it because she is evil and wants to harm me and destroy my property value.
Because of that, I have adapted Bush's policy, and now I blame everything that happens in the neighborhood on Nancy.
• My hose keeps getting kinks in it. Nancy must have dented it when she parked her car on my lawn, probably while I was away.
• Some say the summer heat may be the cause of my lawn getting dried out. It's heat all right, from the sizzling catalytic converter on Nancy's land yacht of a Cadillac.
• The ice cream man keeps playing the same damned song on his loud, high treble, partly blown speakers all day long, day after day. I think the glint of the windshield from Nancy's lawn-parked car has blinded him so much he can't see the treble or volume controls.
• Kids with loud bass car stereos drive down my street, disrupting the peace. Sure, why not? They see Nancy's car on her lawn and figure this is a ghetto.
• While I was watering my plants the other day, I picked up a cactus spine in my finger. I must haven been distracted by the sight of Nancy's car on her lawn.
• My prize Boston fern looked a little desiccated the other day. Must be the extra heat reflecting off Nancy's car chrome, radiating across the street from her front lawn.
• My kitten Nick has damaged the brand new mini-blinds on my front room window. See, he's fascinated with the incongruous sight of Nancy's car parked on her front lawn, so he keeps forcing the slats open with his paws so he can gaze at it.
• I think Nancy has a tap on my landline and my cell phone. Every time I call 311 code compliance to report her for parking on her lawn, she moves it to the driveway before they get there.
• Nancy may one day be the cause of me getting seriously injured or even maimed. I fantasize about throwing a box of roofing nails on her lawn to discourage her from parking her car there, and if she or her husband are mowing the lawn and hit a nail, it could fly across the street and land in one of my delicate little diabetes feet and force me to have an amputation.

Just thinking about how Nancy is responsible for so much turmoil in my life makes my blood boil.
Fine then, if she wants to threaten me, I may have emulate the President and take the war to her.
I think I'll borrow a bunch of money from my Chinese neighbors and rent a bulldozer, drive it across the street, dig up her lawn and make a pile of dirt so high she cant park on it. Then I will rent a truck and gather up a lot of old trashy furniture and pile it on top of the dirt. Then I'll buy some old junked cars and pile them all over my lawn so she can see how icky it looks.
And I may get some spray paint and graffiti the front of her house with the words BAD NEIGHBOR.

That'll fix her for being an evil witch whose lawn parking has disrupted my peace loving nature.

No comments: