Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Eat It, DWiP



My boss, the Devil Wears Inexpensive Payless (aka: DWiP) was nice to me for as long as she could stand to be- about three weeks. Today ended that streak.
As most of you know, I am a magazine editor. DWiP is a lobbyist, our company's director of external affairs, and unfortunately, my boss.
Part of my magazine includes a monthly legislative column from DWiP, which I usually end up writing for her because she thinks copy deadlines only apply to everyone but her.
I am 99 percent done with the magazine copy for the next issue- lacking only HERS.
Yesterday, to get a move on I actually wrote her column for her, leaving her a few blanks to fill in. She sat on her ass reading the newspaper all afternoon yesterday, so early this morning I sent her an e-mail letting her know I needed the edited copy no later than noon.
At 11:20 this morning she came into my office and said she couldn't use what I'd written for her.
I said, "That's fine, but I need whatever you want me to publish no later than 2 today."
She said that would be impossible.
I said, "Then I'll have to scratch your page for this issue."
She said I can't.
I said I can and would.
She stormed out.
I stormed to the CEO's office and raised holy hell. He said he'd e-mail me later today and ask the status of the publication, at which point I could tattle on her via e-mail.
He hates confrontation.
She's passive aggressive and vindictive.
I am under the gun to publish the magazine on schedule by him, by her and by the entire Board of Directors.
She does everything she can, every single month, to try to keep me running late.
I overcome her opposition by working nights and weekends to get the damn thing out on time. Her copy is always last to come in.
Once the galleys come back from the designer, she's always the last one to make her edits. Always.
I don't want her to shove this $12.99 shoe up her ass, I want her to eat it.
Tonight, I have to go the a country club and cover an event my company is hosting. She will, as usual, try to get her face in all the photos I'll be taking.
That will not happen tonight.
After she eats the shoe, she can eat my camera, too.
Bitch.

13 comments:

karenzipdrive said...

:::::Update:::::

Ha! The DWiP blinked.
Once she realized I wasn't kidding about going to the CEO with my complaints about her chronic refusal to get her copy to me on time, when I returned from lunch her completed copy was waiting for me in my e-mail box.
I was very gracious about it and sent her an e-mail thanking her for getting it to me so rapidly.
Of course, she didn't speak a word to me the rest of the day- but that may have been because I had my office door shut and I ignored her the rest of the day, too.
My hunch is she'll be cold as ice to me the rest of the month, but that suits me fine.
The CEO e-mailed me and asked me to let him know who the stragglers were for next month's issue. He copied her on the e-mail.
She can be as cold as she wants but if her stuff isn't on time for the next issue, she can explain it to him.
But today she blinked.

bigsis said...

Excellent. Just stay aloof and stingy with the compliments, she'll come around. She seems to not like it when you're nice to her. She's nuts.

karenzipdrive said...

How weird- here was my online horoscope for today:
"Don't waste your time in surroundings you don't enjoy, or even in the company of those you don't consider kindred spirits. You need to be in an atmosphere that's conducive to comfort and security. Find it, and get there posthaste."

At the country club event tonight, DWiP was all smiles trying to get me to take her picture with some of the illuminaries there. I didn't.
I waited until she was standing near the ugliest old fart in the room, swooped in and clicked the pic before she could paste on her phony smile. That was the only pic I took of her.
I did, however, capture several flattering shots of her biggest rival at work, posing with the best looking, highest ranking officers in our company.

Julien Sharp said...

The luscious power of the word - and the lens.

Awesome.

karenzipdrive said...

If I were in a position to have a subordinate aiming a camera at me, I don't think I'd want to be pissing her off on the day of a major event.

Lulu Maude said...

What fun, and congratulations.

Does your office have a copy of Photoshop? Photoshop Elements is inexpensive, and you could further enhance her... adding a few pounds here, a jowl there.

Make her eat shit!!

karenzipdrive said...

I have photoshop on my PC at work, but she scrutinizes her photos, sometimes with a loupe. She'd catch on.

dguzman said...

Wow, I knew she couldn't hold her venom in forever; they never can. Sounds like everything went well, though, especially with the open-ended invite to tattle on her via email, which is a power one must use judiciously (and f'ing often).

Like the photo revenge you took on her; hope that one's in the mag! Serves her right!

Lulu Maude said...

DWiP--has a nice twitty ring to it!

Onomatopoeia! Yow!

karenzipdrive said...

Today DWiP asked for me to do the budget for my department for 2008.
She said I need to price out every pen, every ream of paper and every box of paperclips I anticipate needing for 2008.
Besides the fact that it's her fucking job to do the budget, I asked to see the budget for last year with the itemized list so I could remember to list everything, including prices.
She said, "There is no itemized list."
I said, "So why are you asking for an itemized list this year?"
She replied, "Because it's required!"
I asked, "Was it required last year?"
"Yes."
"Then why isn't there a copy of it I can use as a guide?"
"Because I don't keep them on file!"
"You keep everything on file, but you don't have this?"
"No."

I had to keep from laughing in her stupid face because she knew I caught her manipulating me.
Turns out she just wanted a guesstimate- the bitch just wanted me to spend a day or two with my face in an office supply catalog, pricing out fucking paper clips.

It's her job as a director to do the budget. Managers like me don't do budgets, in fact that's the major difference between directors and managers.

I think I have her so wigged out she's starting to make stupid mistakes when she's planning the latest wild goose chase she sends me on.
When I caught her today, her eyes got wild like a horse when you can see the whites of their eyes.

I may have to feature horse shoes on my next DWiP rant.

Dusty said...

Fucking awesome...god help anyone your pissed at to this degree.

The bitch will be wrapped in a nuthouse jacket soon?

karenzipdrive said...

She's been psychologically fucking with me since she blinked.
She apparently is under the mistaken impression that I cannot retaliate in kind.
The question is, do I sink to her level or rise above it?

karenzipdrive said...

I forgot to mention that last week she used the word "irregardless."
That word to me represents the epitome of ignorance wrapped in a thin veil of pseudo-intellectualism.
It's similar to the word "utilize."
I think the word "use" is far more utilitarian(chuckling).