Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Secret Diary of Richard Heene

September 15, 2009.

Shit, man, I thought our time on wife swap woulda got us enuf publicity to launch us a reality show but fuck no, man. A white guy nowadays cant catch a break, man.
So I got me a plan.
I like to think of myslef as a amature scientest--doent matter if i only got a high school degree, what I got is a brain and a natural curiosity: like any good scientest.
So what I'm gonna do is build me a great lookin flying saucer thing with some plastic tarp and aluminim foil and duct tape, then I'm gonna rent me a tank of helium from the party supply house.
Then I'm gonna launch it and tell the cops that Falcon is prolly on the craft and watch the whole world go apeshit over it.
While the balloon is up there, I'm gonna dose Falcon with some benzadrill and sleepy time tea and stick him up in the garage rafters in a big box.
Then when the balloon comes down I can yell and say hey we found Falcon and the cabel news people will be all apeshit and the internet people too.
And after Mayumi and the boys and me land up on all the talk shows, watch some rich bastard from the cables offer us our own reality show!
It's foolproofed, man.
I mean come on, if that squinty eyed Jap and his goofy white bitch of a wife can have a litter of kids like a goddam german sheperd and get there own show, I mean what the fuck, man?
I'm white and Mayumi is a jap so theres already a audience for another mixed breed family- and my boys Falcon, Ar2Dee2 and Spock are a lot more ineresting then those stupid 8 and kate kids who arent even fuckin ineresting. Plus I here they got cancilled anyways, so there is a nitch to be filled.
So yeah, I aint got much money left (there aint no money in storm tracking, beleive me!) but I'm gonna use my home depot card to buy me the baloon making gear and get this goddam show on the road.
I already got some titles for the new reality show:
The Heene Team
The Dean of Heene
Heene of the crop
Heene for a day
Heene genes or heene genius
I figger with my good looks and smarts, plus Mayumi acting like a good wife should act, plus the three cute mutts, we are golden!!!
yeah, i cant see how this fuckin plan can fail.
That's why they call me a Heene-ious.


Anonymous said...

if it was up to me there would be no "Reality" shows because of guys like this nitwit--God what an idiot.

nonnie9999 said...

he used the same book of baby names as princess sarah did. from that alone, we could figure out that he lives for attention, just like she does. maybe he can get joe the lawyer to represent him in court.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Or maybe he needs Orly Taintz to represent him. After that judge slapped her with a $20,000 fine for filing frivolous lawsuits, she probably needs the money.
And you're right--people who give their babies stupid names are pure attention whores.
Furthermore, I think they should skip prosecuting that jackass in exchange for him agreeing to be strapped inside an actual helium balloon and deploy it over the middle of the Pacific. Without any tracking devices.

Dr. Monkey said...

He is a massive tool. I wish they could charge him with a felony for this shit.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Actually, Dr. Monkey, though the Heenes had not been arrested as of Sunday evening, charges being considered are three felonies: conspiracy to commit a crime, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and attempting to influence a public servant.
The last charge carries a possible prison term of six years. The charges could also include a misdemeanor for filing a false report.
I have a hunch they'll throw the book at him to discourage other nuts. But I bet they leave the wife alone so she can take care of the kids.

nonnie9999 said...

i think they'll charge the wife, but only as leverage to make her talk and force him to plead guilty. i read that a tv production company was scheming with old richard and the family. if that's the case, i wouldn't mind if he got off with a relatively light sentence if he rolls on them. if that happens, and the people in the production company get charged, then they won't be so anxious to sign up assholes like this one in the future, and hopefully it will throw some cold water on all the crappy so-called reality shows that have little to do with reality.

Fran said...

The next day on the Today show--they are doing an interview with Meridith Viera & little Falcon starts to wretch. His Mom hands him a tupperware container to vomit in & the Dad--- continues doing the interview!!!

Great parenting!

Any sane person would declare-- this interview is over!

But not him.... he keeps talking like as if nothing is happening, but he does bristle when Falcon wretches.

Anyway it will be Federal charges & maybe a hefty bill for the $14 grand it cost to send up the Ntl Guard & shut down the Denver Airport.

You can;t make this stuff up... or can you??

I bet the Heene's wish they really could board a space ship & fly away now.

Fran said...

Heene for a Day!!! Oh that is rich as are all the others. Karen, how you gain access to these "secret diary" documents amazes me.

You are the one that should have your own reality show.

And hey- let's not go too heavy on the whole "arrest" thing. Some of us have taken some heat over that one!


bigsis said...

I'm waiting for him to announce that he's running for a political a Republican. He's just the type of ignorant bastard the Repubes adore. Aside from the balloon thing, what's the diff between his need for attention and Palin's?

HelenWheels said...

Were Heene and Joe-the-Not-Plumber separated at birth?

The kid name thing - nonnie nailed it. Attention whore alert.

I'm glad you provided his diary so we could see what Heene-for-a-Day is really thinkin'.

I agree re: his kid tossing his cookies on TV, obviously that kid ain't cut out to have his life scrutinized on camera and the fact the parents were oblivious just about says it all.

These, the John'n'Kate+eight, Octomom freaks need to go.

Distributorcap said...

no matter -- the media DID NOT HAVE to cover this

it is the need to fill up all that dead air we get Jon and Kate, balloon boy, octomom, and my personal fave - the runaway bride

no dead blondes as of late?