The Secret Diary of Richard Heene
September 15, 2009.
Shit, man, I thought our time on wife swap woulda got us enuf publicity to launch us a reality show but fuck no, man. A white guy nowadays cant catch a break, man.
So I got me a plan.
I like to think of myslef as a amature scientest--doent matter if i only got a high school degree, what I got is a brain and a natural curiosity: like any good scientest.
So what I'm gonna do is build me a great lookin flying saucer thing with some plastic tarp and aluminim foil and duct tape, then I'm gonna rent me a tank of helium from the party supply house.
Then I'm gonna launch it and tell the cops that Falcon is prolly on the craft and watch the whole world go apeshit over it.
While the balloon is up there, I'm gonna dose Falcon with some benzadrill and sleepy time tea and stick him up in the garage rafters in a big box.
Then when the balloon comes down I can yell and say hey we found Falcon and the cabel news people will be all apeshit and the internet people too.
And after Mayumi and the boys and me land up on all the talk shows, watch some rich bastard from the cables offer us our own reality show!
It's foolproofed, man.
I mean come on, if that squinty eyed Jap and his goofy white bitch of a wife can have a litter of kids like a goddam german sheperd and get there own show, I mean what the fuck, man?
I'm white and Mayumi is a jap so theres already a audience for another mixed breed family- and my boys Falcon, Ar2Dee2 and Spock are a lot more ineresting then those stupid 8 and kate kids who arent even fuckin ineresting. Plus I here they got cancilled anyways, so there is a nitch to be filled.
So yeah, I aint got much money left (there aint no money in storm tracking, beleive me!) but I'm gonna use my home depot card to buy me the baloon making gear and get this goddam show on the road.
I already got some titles for the new reality show:
The Heene Team
The Dean of Heene
Heene of the crop
Heene for a day
Heene genes or heene genius
I figger with my good looks and smarts, plus Mayumi acting like a good wife should act, plus the three cute mutts, we are golden!!!
yeah, i cant see how this fuckin plan can fail.
That's why they call me a Heene-ious.