Sunday, August 22, 2010

Heteros: Please Reclaim Lohan



Though we queers are notorious for claiming celebrities are either gay, closeted gay or at least bisexual (Tom Cruise, Lady Gaga, Oprah, Glenn Beck, etc.) I think it's time one of us steps forward and announces that Lindsay Lohan's brief but volatile affair with definite lesbian Samantha Ronson was but a fluke.
What and whom she did during her drug and alcohol fueled era should not count.
I hope she emerges from the psych ward clean, sober and heterosexual.
We've already been stuck with Chaz Bono and Richard Simmons, so I'd say we've taken enough hits.
On behalf of all the queers in America, I hereby announce that you straighties must take her back, find her a good man and marry her off. Mazel tov. Invite us to the wedding.
Really, we are cool with her being totally straight.
Enjoy!

15 comments:

Distributorcap said...

poor Lindsay, so misunderstood, and apparently now wealthy and misunderstood

Iain said...

I wish her well, but I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me what Lindsay does / has ever done to merit the attention she seems to get in UK newspapers. Is she famous in US TV that hasn't made its way over here yet? Movies, music?

Karen Zipdrive said...

Lohan was a very successful, likable child actress and has a decent singing voice.
She has several movies and a few albums to her credit.
What I think makes her talked about in the UK is that her story is so sordid and multi-pronged, she's the perfect subject for tabloid gossip that Brits adore so much.
She hits several tab-style news pegs:
Celebrity
Wealth
Fashion
Oddity
Drugs
Booze
Lesbianism
Promiscuity
Mental illness
Bad parents
Public scenes
Police records
DUIs
etc.

bigsis said...

I agree, unless she hooks up with Amy Winehouse because then the story would take a very interesting turn.

KarenZipdrive said...

Amy Winehouse had so much raw talent and such an original style the sky could have been the limit for her.
Lohan had less talent was still used to be likable and cute.
What a couple of Class A losers.

nonnie9999 said...

maybe once jeff greene is done spending his millions trying to buy a senate seat in floriduhhhh, he can pay for a stay for his old buddy lindsay in a heterosexual reorientation camp.

Matty Boy said...

Back after the election, Bill Maher thought that Levi Johnston should leave Alaska, use his minor celebrity and good looks to come to Hollywood and bed starlets. One of his lines was "We need a big dumb stud like you to fuck the gay right out of Lindsay Lohan."

nellynhakorn said...

Is every thing we have to listen, she is bi snuggle and be with Samantha, she'll never quite becomes never quite straight, you guys should be prosecuted pigs.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Nellyn, you're writing skills (and most likely your thinking skills) are so discombobulated I have no idea what you were trying to say.
I was going to just delete your comment, but sometimes I like to leave certain ones up just to prove that our side is smarter than their side.
Thanks for the great example of that.

Iain said...

That list makes perfect sense, KZ - a wet dream of things for the editor and readers of our Daily Mail to disapprove of / masturbate over.

nellynhakorn said...

I do not care if you delete the comment or not, I think u and I wish to waste my time with you here.

Lulu Maude said...

Huh?

You're very generous to give Lindsey back to the heterosexual world.

When you're plastered, you're not all that sexual, anyway.

This child star stuff is bad for the young, I think... the development of a sellable talent at the expense of everything else--and isolation, to boot.

I'm sure that the above is a great recipe for sociopathy.

puddy said...

screw that! you guys get elton john, george michael, oscar wilde and tony danza while we have to put up with the likes of david hasselhoff, wayne newton, and nixon. YOU'RE TAKING LOHAN!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Puddy, sez you.
I maintain that Lohan's brief flirtation with lesbianism was during a constant state of inebriation, so it doesn't count.
Besides, Elton John sold out when he played Rush Limbaugh's wedding, George Michael is a public toilet queen, Oscar Wilde has been dead for a century and Tony Danza is one of your tribe.
We also have Rosie O'Donnell on her JetSki wearing saggy XXL T-shirts and Crocs, and that screech owl Melissa Etheridge, so I think that's enough.
Lohan is officially back to being straight, and that's all there is to it. No takesies-backsies.
Enjoy! ;)

Jerry Melton said...

Don't want her back, I don't know where shes been. "And out of her ginch crawled creatures from the ocean floor...it's sure a cinch I won't dip my wick in there anymore"..S. Clay Wilson/Checkered Demon Comix. But I did hear a great quote the other morning from a guy working in the booth on MJoe. Someone had questioned his manliness and the reply..."I'm gayer than a clutch purse at the Tony Awards".