Saturday, April 30, 2005

How Do You Spell Borderline Personality Disorder?

Okay, we called it.
My friends Susan, Elaine and I watched the news last night about bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks going missing just days before her wedding.
We saw those crazy, buggy-eyes of hers in every single photo they ran on the news and we decided she had to be nuts, way before the experts called it.
Now, I can see getting cold feet and leaving someone at the altar- I did that at age 23 when I almost married this handsome, chronic, bisexual fuck-up named Tony. About a month before the wedding, I called it off and instead ran off with a woman I met at the beach named Charlotte. Though she later earned the nickname Charlotte the Harlot, we did have three highly adventurous years in Venice Beach.
When I called it off though, nobody lost any money on wedding preparations and I didn't have to send 600 guests away, wondering what the fuck happened.
But Jennifer "Deer in the Headlights" Wilbanks chose to leave a judge's son at the altar in a town called Duluth, Georgia. Duluth has a population of about 50,000, which means everyone at the local Dairy Queen knows at least the judge and his wife, so the gossip must be incessant and totally humiliating for them and their son John Mason.
She didn't just call it off- she ran off in her sweats, without her ID or keys, hacked her hair off in a nearby field, jumped on a Vegas-bound Greyhound, then ended up in Albuquerque, pretending she'd been abducted by what she termed as an Hispanic couple.
Thinly veiled racism aside, that was after she'd already seen on all the news networks the story of the nationwide hunt for her and those tearful interviews with her loved ones.
This chick's story makes the pending nuptials of Mary Kay LeTourneau and Villi Fualaau look like a Vatican wedding, officiated by Pope John Paul, who returned just to bless their vows.

Come on. Just how much attention does one Buggy-eyed Borderline Bride need?

To summarize:

Invitations and postage: $2,000
Dinner and drinks for 600 wedding guests: $10,000.
Bridesmaids dresses and shoes for 14 bridesmaids: $2,500.
Tuxedo rentals for 14 groomsmen: $1,250
Flowers and Photographer: $3,000
Cake: $500
Rings: $3,000
Church rental, preacher fees and reception site rental: $1,000
The groom escaping having to marry a full blown nutter and telling her instead to go fuck herself: Priceless.

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