Project Runway Season Three:
Attention: Gays, Girls and Secure, Straight Men
Once again, I have to say if you are missing this season of Bravo's Project Runway, you are missing one of the most glorious television shows in the history of television broadcasting.
Look, I'll admit I am no fashion maven. I'm a dyke.
I draw my wardrobe from the design collections of Eddie Bauer, Land's End, L.L. Bean and Old Navy. My always-comfortable shoes are from Merrill, Simple, Gravas, Birkenstock and Josef Siebel.
But anyone who watches P.R. instantly becomes an armchair Anna Wintour.
It takes no taste or effort to look at gorgeous models and decide which one is wearing the prettiest outfit.
It takes no fashion sense to watch the contestants in action and decide which is the biggest asshole, the faggiest, the most controlling bitch, or the sweetest, most deserving one.
Here, let me show you:
The PROJECT RUNWAY season three designers are:
Bradley Baumkirchner, 32, Los Angeles, CA
Weird looking, lacks self esteem, okay designer but a total, slump-shouldered nerd. I cant tell if he's gay or straight, but it doesn't matter because he's unfuckably homely to all, poor guy.
Laura Bennett, 42, New York, NY
A deliciously uptight, razor thin red-headed architect who never appears without full make-up and a stunning ensemble. She's a stunningly great designer and a total bitch. I love her.
Robert Best, 36, West Hollywood, CA
This sweet little queen works for Mattel, designing Barbie doll fashions. It don't get any better than that. I consider him a contender for the top spot.
Malan Breton, 32, Long Island City, NY
Alas, Gay Dracula has been voted off. His smarmy grin, his suspicious English accent and his phenomenally greasy Pompadour made him seem like a best bet for show villain, yet his humble, personal admissions and his docile nature made him quite lovable. Adieu, Malan.
Bonnie Dominquez, 31, San Diego.
Straight, perky and sweet, Bonnie is a decent designer and a likable human being. She also has an adorable profile.
Stacey Estrella, 40, San Francisco, CA
She got voted off first, with her gauzy white gown made from lace curtains and the boy shorts beneath all the gossamer. It's okay though, she's got an Ivy League master's degree so she'll be fine.
Katherine Gerdes, 25, Minneapolis, MN
A messy little tomboy with a sweet face and no clue. Look to her to design Mukluks and down ski parkas after she's thrown off the show.
Kayne Gillaspie, 27, Norman, OK
This delightfully faggy boy owns a formal wear and beauty pageant store in Oklahoma, for Christ's sake. He swoons when he's supposed to and designs real purty girl stuff. Look to him as a front-runner.
Ulrike "Uli" Herzner, 35, Miami Beach, FL
A tall, skinny blonde Kraut, she designs praktical und sehr pretty fashion fur vomen.
She's too skinny and tanned to be trusted. Heidi likes her, though. Must be all that yodeling.
Alison Kelly, 25, Brooklyn, NY
Another sweet but rather bland straight girl, her fashion designs are well made and serviceable. She'll fly under the radar for several more challenges.
Angela Keslar, 33, Amesville, OH
This gator-grinned Earth Mother doesn't know shit about designing, but she does look almost exactly like my Big Sis's first female lover, Irene. For that alone I hope she remains a while.
Michael Knight, 28, Atlanta, GA
Gotta love the only Black man in the competition. He got his start designing lewd female booty-wear for Atlanta's Hip Hop video scene. I love his straight male ideas of what bitches should wear. Nasty but hot.
Vincent Libretti, 49, Santa Monica, CA
I hate this twitchy, New York nebbish. He's an old straight guy with a nervous whine, hideous eyewear and a knack for making the ugliest clothing I've ever seen. His color inspiration comes from assorted piles of vomit he's induced in himself and others.
Keith Michael, 34, New York, NY
The image of Jacob Dylan and Greg Kinnear's love child, cocky Keith may be thrown off soon for submitting a portfolio of stolen women's wear designs. He's a men's wear designer who admitted he's never sewn a dress in his life. He's a good, clean designer but cheaters never prosper.
Jeffrey Sebelia, 36, Los Angeles, CA
Anyone who gets a tattoo that spans his entire neck has to be a sociopath. He's also got a weak chin and far too much bravado for his shitty fashion sense. His friend Santino Rice, last season's resident sociopath, inspired him to audition for P.R. He wishes he was as controversial. I call his fashions, "angry meth lab white trash."
I'm thinking this blog needs a weekly recap of Project Runway.
Who'll join me in making it work?