Sunday, July 23, 2006

Project Runway Season Three:
Attention: Gays, Girls and Secure, Straight Men

Once again, I have to say if you are missing this season of Bravo's Project Runway, you are missing one of the most glorious television shows in the history of television broadcasting.
Look, I'll admit I am no fashion maven. I'm a dyke.
I draw my wardrobe from the design collections of Eddie Bauer, Land's End, L.L. Bean and Old Navy. My always-comfortable shoes are from Merrill, Simple, Gravas, Birkenstock and Josef Siebel.
But anyone who watches P.R. instantly becomes an armchair Anna Wintour.
It takes no taste or effort to look at gorgeous models and decide which one is wearing the prettiest outfit.
It takes no fashion sense to watch the contestants in action and decide which is the biggest asshole, the faggiest, the most controlling bitch, or the sweetest, most deserving one.
Here, let me show you:

The PROJECT RUNWAY season three designers are:

Bradley Baumkirchner, 32, Los Angeles, CA
Weird looking, lacks self esteem, okay designer but a total, slump-shouldered nerd. I cant tell if he's gay or straight, but it doesn't matter because he's unfuckably homely to all, poor guy.

Laura Bennett, 42, New York, NY
A deliciously uptight, razor thin red-headed architect who never appears without full make-up and a stunning ensemble. She's a stunningly great designer and a total bitch. I love her.

Robert Best, 36, West Hollywood, CA
This sweet little queen works for Mattel, designing Barbie doll fashions. It don't get any better than that. I consider him a contender for the top spot.

Malan Breton, 32, Long Island City, NY
Alas, Gay Dracula has been voted off. His smarmy grin, his suspicious English accent and his phenomenally greasy Pompadour made him seem like a best bet for show villain, yet his humble, personal admissions and his docile nature made him quite lovable. Adieu, Malan.

Bonnie Dominquez, 31, San Diego.
Straight, perky and sweet, Bonnie is a decent designer and a likable human being. She also has an adorable profile.

Stacey Estrella, 40, San Francisco, CA
She got voted off first, with her gauzy white gown made from lace curtains and the boy shorts beneath all the gossamer. It's okay though, she's got an Ivy League master's degree so she'll be fine.

Katherine Gerdes, 25, Minneapolis, MN
A messy little tomboy with a sweet face and no clue. Look to her to design Mukluks and down ski parkas after she's thrown off the show.

Kayne Gillaspie, 27, Norman, OK
This delightfully faggy boy owns a formal wear and beauty pageant store in Oklahoma, for Christ's sake. He swoons when he's supposed to and designs real purty girl stuff. Look to him as a front-runner.

Ulrike "Uli" Herzner, 35, Miami Beach, FL
A tall, skinny blonde Kraut, she designs praktical und sehr pretty fashion fur vomen.
She's too skinny and tanned to be trusted. Heidi likes her, though. Must be all that yodeling.

Alison Kelly, 25, Brooklyn, NY
Another sweet but rather bland straight girl, her fashion designs are well made and serviceable. She'll fly under the radar for several more challenges.

Angela Keslar, 33, Amesville, OH
This gator-grinned Earth Mother doesn't know shit about designing, but she does look almost exactly like my Big Sis's first female lover, Irene. For that alone I hope she remains a while.

Michael Knight, 28, Atlanta, GA
Gotta love the only Black man in the competition. He got his start designing lewd female booty-wear for Atlanta's Hip Hop video scene. I love his straight male ideas of what bitches should wear. Nasty but hot.

Vincent Libretti, 49, Santa Monica, CA
I hate this twitchy, New York nebbish. He's an old straight guy with a nervous whine, hideous eyewear and a knack for making the ugliest clothing I've ever seen. His color inspiration comes from assorted piles of vomit he's induced in himself and others.

Keith Michael, 34, New York, NY
The image of Jacob Dylan and Greg Kinnear's love child, cocky Keith may be thrown off soon for submitting a portfolio of stolen women's wear designs. He's a men's wear designer who admitted he's never sewn a dress in his life. He's a good, clean designer but cheaters never prosper.

Jeffrey Sebelia, 36, Los Angeles, CA
Anyone who gets a tattoo that spans his entire neck has to be a sociopath. He's also got a weak chin and far too much bravado for his shitty fashion sense. His friend Santino Rice, last season's resident sociopath, inspired him to audition for P.R. He wishes he was as controversial. I call his fashions, "angry meth lab white trash."

I'm thinking this blog needs a weekly recap of Project Runway.
Who'll join me in making it work?
Carry on!


BigSis said...

Oh I'll be glad to join in on this one. And btw, did you notice that NBC has picked up PR on prime time and shows it a couple of days after Bravo's showing?

Also, what about the tidbit of news re Malan "nibbling" on Jeffrey Sebelia's tatooted neck before he left? The visuals make me want to pluck out my eyes.

Jeffrey's hard to watch with my partner (an O.R. nurse) because she worries that if anything ever happens to him, the guy is so chinless he'd be impossible to "intibate."

I think Uli will be fine for a long time too because Heidi perked up when she heard another kraut was in the house.

Hey Zip, I don't suppose you watch "The Contender" eh? Odd but the palooka's are nicer to each other than the PR designers are.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Of course I watch The Contender.
It's the only reality show that actually makes me cry.
When one considers the Herculean training those men go through, only to face each other in such brutal pummeling, it's an amazing display of physical prowess, heart and determination.
Some view boxing as too violent a sport, but I see it as one of the most difficult and courageous sports one can enter.
The human interest aspects of The Contender make it a show where you root for your heroes with the same intensity you'd root for loved ones.
Some are so deserving, I really do cry when they are eliminated.

Karen Zipdrive said...

BTW Project Runway also runs on NBC on Monday evenings at 7 central. Check your local listings!

dusty said...

I have to watch this make it sound so good and tv is so bad lately I hardly watch anything. I love your descriptions of the designers!