Thursday, May 15, 2008

Even the Cake Was Drunk!



What happens when two red state hicks get married?
You get a wedding cake from the Walmart bakery in Waco!
I'm shocked I haven't read or heard any accounts of what happened to this cake, so here I am, left to do the dirty work.
I think it's pretty poetic that the rest of the world gets to see that Jenna Bush has followed in the footsteps of her father, pretending a disaster like this cake not only didn't matter, she gleefully posed in front of it like Bush did with that Mission Accomplished banner.
Call me prissy, but if I were a president's kid about to marry and knew the world would be seeing my wedding pictures, I'd use some of the kickback dough my crooked daddy has skimmed off the American taxpayers and order TWO wedding cakes, in case one of them tumped over in the bed of the pick-up truck they used to deliver it.
And while I was at it, I think I'd select someone besides that fossilized 76-year-old Oscar De la Renta to design my dress.
First off, we have plenty of American designers, like NYC-born Vera Wang who actually specializes in wedding gowns.
Furthermore, I wouldn't marry anyone outdoors in Texas in May. Anyone who's ever been out in the country in Texas that close to all that bug-infested brush and those pollen spitting trees during the humid month of May knows what I mean.
And don't get me started on that cornball limestone altar with the extra jumbo cross W. had erected for the wedding.
It looks to me like it was hewn from mud in the dark by a one-armed bracero who wanted to get it done before the Border Patrol made its morning rounds.

Look, I don't care if multi-millionaires want to throw a wedding on the cheap- but even Texan Lyndon B. Johnson threw out all the stops when his semi-attractive daughters tied the knot during his presidency.

When the world is watching, would it be too much to ask that the president's family at least make sure the damn wedding cake isn't crooked?
Talk about a metaphor!!

14 comments:

BrettinPDX said...

Karen..... In spite of our current (and, no doubt, temporary) political differences, I continue to find you the most articulate, intelligent, bitingly sarcastic and caustic Texan wit since Anne Richards, may she rest in peace!!!! xoxox

karenzipdrive said...

Thanks, Brett, and you are the most articulate, intelligent, etc., etc., Oregonian since, umm, whoever died in Oregon that was that way.

Lulu, the Dewey Dame said...

Ah, vintage Zippie! Worth the price of the wedding (surely we paid for it somehow...)

karenzipdrive said...

Oh, you just know Bushie found a way to fuck the taxpayers into picking up the bill for this hayseed hulabaloo.
In fact, I'll bet the bloated budget of the Department of Defense picked up the tab.
I can just see the paperwork:

Wedding gown: DoD #4327 "foul weather gear."
Tent: DoD #6803 "solar ray protection/desert issue."
Cake: DoD #7246(b) "meals, ready to eat."
Flowers: DoD #1289 "camoflauge foilage."
Preacher: DoD #6734 "chaplain."

And the air and ground transportation costs were easy: national security.

Distributorcap said...

you know we got saddled with bills for secret service and shuttling the henchmen from DC to Texas for this hootenanny...

as bad as jenna's dress was (it looked like something the DC madam would kill herself in), notJenna's was WORSE - it looked like a backwards bathsuit. Laura's was not better than a burlap sack a horse ate out of -- dyed blue. and Henry, there are pictures with Henry busting out of his tux, like he just buttoned it after meeting Larry the head waiter in the back of the van for a quickie.

i hope the mosquitoes stuck to the cake and rove and condi ate them

for a family worth a billion, they have no fricking class

karenzipdrive said...

I sorta doubt Condi was invited.
Number one, why would Jenna invite her daddy's mistress?
Number two, you don't seriously think the Bush's socialize with negroes, do you?
C'mon!

Dusty said...

LOL...love the post and the comments were just as delicious!

I noticed right off the bat that the cake was crooked..but only you Ms. Zipdrive did it justice! :)

karenzipdrive said...

Dusty, I think probably a lot of people noticed the lopsided cake but the thing is, we're all so used to reacting to all things Bush with a "WTF?" we've become enured.
I noticed the goofy cake days ago and forgot to mention it. Then I realized, hey, what kind of clowns would allow a fucked up wedding cake when they had all the money and power to direct Air Force Fucking One to fly to New York or Paris or anywhere on Earth to fetch a good one?
It's INSANE!

Dusty said...

A no-class, redneck tightass would allow their daughter to cut a cake that was leaning so far out..the Tower of Pisa had nothing on that fucking cake. ;p

And her dress sucked as did her sista's. Their taste is somewhere..but I fail to know exactly where.

FranIAm said...

I promise to be less obtuse next time.

Having you come by is only second after the esteemed PSP commenting on my blog!

That damn story meme!

Dusty said...

KZ,,can you tell I am out of town and bored out of my everloving tree? :)

for a nice caustic pov on Jennas' wedding..check out my bud Agitprop:

http://agitprop.typepad.com/agitprop/2008/05/the-next-genera.html

karenzipdrive said...

Dusty, I visited that site and left a lil' comment. Thanks for the heads up.

Dusty said...

Your most welcome KZ :)

dguzman said...

OF COURSE Condi wouldn't be invited to the wedding, unless she was going to be SERVING the guests! I mean, it's a Take-suz weddin', not some YANKEE one!

Dead-on post, man -- and for that cake to be the perfect metaphor for BushCo, it would have to be decomposed-rat-and-slime-mold-flavored. With the white fondant icing, of course.