Kelly Haiku
Kelly over at Welcome to My Life won the grand prize in my ludicrous, BlogBack-busting 10,000 hits sweepstakes, and here is her dozen haiku portion of the prize...
Young morsel Kelly
Matriculating so hard
Still has time for boinks
At age twenty-two
Filled with hope, expectations
We shant tell her, hmm?
College kids today
Don't smoke pot like we did then
They like ecstacy
She works for TV
For a local news outlet
Mary Tyler Moore!
She will learn, one day
That broadcast newscasts
Steal from printed news
Kelly, with firm skin
And with bright, facile brain cells
Get it while you can!
When Kelly was born
I signed my first home mortgage
I hate perspective.
Kelly likes her profs
One, she liked a bit too much
Way to go, kiddo!
I call her cupcake
Cute, sweet, very tempting but
Could cause heart attacks!
Queer Poet loves her
Kelly's girlfriend loves her too
She's a bee charmer
Kelly's girl Kelly
She's a cute young woman, too
But she's no Kelly
If I was younger
There would be big, big trouble
For other Kelly!
Saturday, July 20, 2002
Parody, Anyone?
I have only parodied one blog, "Time for your Meds." That was back when Tracy was refusing to blog and I was trying to tempt her out of retirement.
For the Blogathon, I *might* want to parody a few other blogs, but people can be touchy and I'd like to ask anyone on my bloglist who DOES NOT want to be parodied to speak now or forever hold your piece. Or peace. Or whatever.
Hell, I may not even do it.
I have only parodied one blog, "Time for your Meds." That was back when Tracy was refusing to blog and I was trying to tempt her out of retirement.
For the Blogathon, I *might* want to parody a few other blogs, but people can be touchy and I'd like to ask anyone on my bloglist who DOES NOT want to be parodied to speak now or forever hold your piece. Or peace. Or whatever.
Hell, I may not even do it.
$395! Why that's 633 Canadian Loonies!
So far I have gathered pledges totaling $395 for the Blogathon and gained 27 sponsors.
For a cranky curmudgeon, I am thrilled and want to thank everyone again for their support.
Next Saturday at 8 a.m. central, I'll start blathering twice an hour until Sunday at 8 a.m.
I imagine by 4 a.m. I'll be writing blogs like "Cheese is Good" and "Favorite shoes I used to have."
I used to journal by hand in fancy little books. Recently I gathered up a few and read some passages, only to cringe in embarrassment by my apparent lack of insight or any discernible wisdom gained through the decades.
I am going to burn them, lest anyone discover them in my absence and read what a dweeb I've been over countless nutty relationships.
Honestly, they are like something on Lifetime For Women, only with a lesbian slant.
Being recently single and on vacation from women until I get Lefty the lumpy breast sorted out, I have been trying to balance my yin with my yang.
I've been reading some classic John Steinbeck lately because all these lesbian historical novels I've been reading are starting to make me think funny and use sissy words like, "perchance."
I just finished "Affinity," and it was so dreadful I think I am staying off lesbian lit for a while.
Three quarters into the book, I found myself asking aloud, "Are you gonna fuck her or what?" The ham-handed, quasi-sexual suspense was worse than watching the world's most tedious lesbian movie, "Desert Hearts."
So now I am reading about drifters and bums who drink river water and sleep outside and don't do much but drink cheap wine and daydream.
So far I have gathered pledges totaling $395 for the Blogathon and gained 27 sponsors.
For a cranky curmudgeon, I am thrilled and want to thank everyone again for their support.
Next Saturday at 8 a.m. central, I'll start blathering twice an hour until Sunday at 8 a.m.
I imagine by 4 a.m. I'll be writing blogs like "Cheese is Good" and "Favorite shoes I used to have."
I used to journal by hand in fancy little books. Recently I gathered up a few and read some passages, only to cringe in embarrassment by my apparent lack of insight or any discernible wisdom gained through the decades.
I am going to burn them, lest anyone discover them in my absence and read what a dweeb I've been over countless nutty relationships.
Honestly, they are like something on Lifetime For Women, only with a lesbian slant.
Being recently single and on vacation from women until I get Lefty the lumpy breast sorted out, I have been trying to balance my yin with my yang.
I've been reading some classic John Steinbeck lately because all these lesbian historical novels I've been reading are starting to make me think funny and use sissy words like, "perchance."
I just finished "Affinity," and it was so dreadful I think I am staying off lesbian lit for a while.
Three quarters into the book, I found myself asking aloud, "Are you gonna fuck her or what?" The ham-handed, quasi-sexual suspense was worse than watching the world's most tedious lesbian movie, "Desert Hearts."
So now I am reading about drifters and bums who drink river water and sleep outside and don't do much but drink cheap wine and daydream.
Friday, July 19, 2002
Once Again, I Loot From Spacemonk:
Which band/musical performer:
Would you get to play your birthday party, if you could:
Parliament, with Bootsy Collins
or Eurythmics
Did you have a crush on:
Annie Lennox (still do)
Do you think, personality-wise, you'd fit in with:
Indigo Dykes, Joan Armatrading
Should you skip the records and see live?
Bobby Mc Ferrin
Should you skip the show and buy the records?
Eric Clapton
Has aged the most gracefully?
Robert Palmer
Has aged least gracefully?
Keith Richards, bar none.
Do you wish you would have seen?
Beatles, Dusty Springfield
Do you wish would reunite?
Eurythmics, Steely Dan
Do you think should have made it big, but didn't?
KiKi Dee, Joan Armatrading
Will everyone be talking about in a year?
No idea.
Dresses the best?
Robert Palmer, David Bowie
Is great, but get too much praise?
Mariah Carey
Is most unjustly ignored?
Dusty Springfield, Joan Armatrading
Would you travel furthest to see?
Annie Lennox
Have you seen the most times?
Tina Turner
Do you have the most recordings of?
Bobby McFerrin, Annie Lennox, Funk artists, opera
Which band/musical performer:
Would you get to play your birthday party, if you could:
Parliament, with Bootsy Collins
or Eurythmics
Did you have a crush on:
Annie Lennox (still do)
Do you think, personality-wise, you'd fit in with:
Indigo Dykes, Joan Armatrading
Should you skip the records and see live?
Bobby Mc Ferrin
Should you skip the show and buy the records?
Eric Clapton
Has aged the most gracefully?
Robert Palmer
Has aged least gracefully?
Keith Richards, bar none.
Do you wish you would have seen?
Beatles, Dusty Springfield
Do you wish would reunite?
Eurythmics, Steely Dan
Do you think should have made it big, but didn't?
KiKi Dee, Joan Armatrading
Will everyone be talking about in a year?
No idea.
Dresses the best?
Robert Palmer, David Bowie
Is great, but get too much praise?
Mariah Carey
Is most unjustly ignored?
Dusty Springfield, Joan Armatrading
Would you travel furthest to see?
Annie Lennox
Have you seen the most times?
Tina Turner
Do you have the most recordings of?
Bobby McFerrin, Annie Lennox, Funk artists, opera
Amazing Lance Armstrong Numbers
1 -- Lance Armstrong's ranking among world cyclists in 1996 before he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that spread to his lungs and brain.
If Lance Armstrong can win the Tour for a fourth consecutive time, he'll be only the fourth rider ever to do so.
3 -- Children he has with wife Kristin. Son Luke, and twin daughters, Isabelle and Grace. All children were conceived through In-Vitro Fertilization as Armstrong's chemotherapy left him sterile.
3 -- Consecutive Tour de France titles won by Armstrong, tying him with Greg LeMond for the most wins by an American in the 2,250-mile race.
4 -- Percent body fat Armstrong carries. Shaquille O'Neal has 16 percent.
5 -- Months after his cancer was diagnosed that Armstrong began training again.
16 -- Age Armstrong became a professional triathlete.
20 -- Percent chance that doctors gave Armstrong to recover from advanced testicular cancer in 1996.
32 -- Armstrong's resting heart rate. The average resting heart rate for a man is 70 beats per minute.
33 -- Percent larger that Armstong's heart is compared to the heart size of an average man.
85 -- Armstrong's VO2 Max rating, which measures the amount of oxygen the lungs can consume during exercise. An average healthy male might rate a 40.
2,046 -- Number of miles in the 2002 Tour de France. Shortened this year in the hopes of lessening Armstrong's advantage.
6,500 -- Average number of daily calories burned by Tour de France riders over the three weeks of the race. Active people might burn 3,500 daily.
3,000,000 -- Amount in grant money for cancer programs and research distributed by the Lance Armstrong Foundation since its inception in 1997.
1 -- Lance Armstrong's ranking among world cyclists in 1996 before he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that spread to his lungs and brain.
If Lance Armstrong can win the Tour for a fourth consecutive time, he'll be only the fourth rider ever to do so.
3 -- Children he has with wife Kristin. Son Luke, and twin daughters, Isabelle and Grace. All children were conceived through In-Vitro Fertilization as Armstrong's chemotherapy left him sterile.
3 -- Consecutive Tour de France titles won by Armstrong, tying him with Greg LeMond for the most wins by an American in the 2,250-mile race.
4 -- Percent body fat Armstrong carries. Shaquille O'Neal has 16 percent.
5 -- Months after his cancer was diagnosed that Armstrong began training again.
16 -- Age Armstrong became a professional triathlete.
20 -- Percent chance that doctors gave Armstrong to recover from advanced testicular cancer in 1996.
32 -- Armstrong's resting heart rate. The average resting heart rate for a man is 70 beats per minute.
33 -- Percent larger that Armstong's heart is compared to the heart size of an average man.
85 -- Armstrong's VO2 Max rating, which measures the amount of oxygen the lungs can consume during exercise. An average healthy male might rate a 40.
2,046 -- Number of miles in the 2002 Tour de France. Shortened this year in the hopes of lessening Armstrong's advantage.
6,500 -- Average number of daily calories burned by Tour de France riders over the three weeks of the race. Active people might burn 3,500 daily.
3,000,000 -- Amount in grant money for cancer programs and research distributed by the Lance Armstrong Foundation since its inception in 1997.
Mystikal Bastard
A few weeks ago I posted about a rapper I saw on the Chris Rock show named Mystikal.
I bitched about how extraordinarily lewd he was and how his presence marred an otherwise entertaining show. This guy's act was beyond disgusting.
Now it seems Mystical and two buddies were arrested yesterday for extortion and gang rape of a young woman at Mystikal's Baton Rouge home.
They told the girl if she didn't submit to their sexual demands, Mystikal would tell the police she stole checks from his bank account without his permission. They also threatened her with great bodily harm as the three took turns assaulting her.
If convicted, Mystikal faces mandatory life in prison for the rape and another 10 or 15 years tacked on for extortion.
Seems to me like a big rap star like Mystikal wouldn't have to extort and threaten anyone to have sex with him. Looks like he just enjoys taking what he wants by whatever means possible.
Rapists are unpopular in prison, even rapping rapists. I hope he gets to find out just how unpopular.
A few weeks ago I posted about a rapper I saw on the Chris Rock show named Mystikal.
I bitched about how extraordinarily lewd he was and how his presence marred an otherwise entertaining show. This guy's act was beyond disgusting.
Now it seems Mystical and two buddies were arrested yesterday for extortion and gang rape of a young woman at Mystikal's Baton Rouge home.
They told the girl if she didn't submit to their sexual demands, Mystikal would tell the police she stole checks from his bank account without his permission. They also threatened her with great bodily harm as the three took turns assaulting her.
If convicted, Mystikal faces mandatory life in prison for the rape and another 10 or 15 years tacked on for extortion.
Seems to me like a big rap star like Mystikal wouldn't have to extort and threaten anyone to have sex with him. Looks like he just enjoys taking what he wants by whatever means possible.
Rapists are unpopular in prison, even rapping rapists. I hope he gets to find out just how unpopular.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Pulp Friction Oil Company Update
As Chairman of PFOC, I am going to appropriate some PFOC assets to use for exploration for future holdings in oil rich Las Vegas, Nevada.
Instead of wasting stockholder money and leasing a corporate jet, I will fly commercial and stay in a modest 5 star hotel. I plan to take a PFOC administrative assistant with me to help with research.
I hope to cultivate new potential stock buyers among the gamblers, who clearly have money to burn.
In order to blend in, I must divert some company assets as seed money in my recruitment efforts. I call this Operation Slots.
According to the Dick Cheney Halliburton accounting principles, I will be reporting contacts with potential speculators as assumed earnings in our 2002 annual report.
As Chairman of PFOC, I am going to appropriate some PFOC assets to use for exploration for future holdings in oil rich Las Vegas, Nevada.
Instead of wasting stockholder money and leasing a corporate jet, I will fly commercial and stay in a modest 5 star hotel. I plan to take a PFOC administrative assistant with me to help with research.
I hope to cultivate new potential stock buyers among the gamblers, who clearly have money to burn.
In order to blend in, I must divert some company assets as seed money in my recruitment efforts. I call this Operation Slots.
According to the Dick Cheney Halliburton accounting principles, I will be reporting contacts with potential speculators as assumed earnings in our 2002 annual report.
Blog Sushi™
Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie are divorcing. One more reason never to get someone's name tattooed on your arm. Presumably, they will return his and her matching blood vials to each other. Angelina will keep their adopted Cambodian son and the couple will share the cost of the child's lifelong therapy as a result of being adopted by two super freaks.
American Idol. I watched it once. Judge "Simon" is like if Rex Reed married George Michael and had him as their baby. Such a little bitch, Simon is. Is it me, or do all the male acts sing wobbly just like Boys to Men?
Martha Stewart is launching a book club. More on that during the Blogathon, I promise.
Six Feet Under was nominated for 23 Emmy Awards. Is that all? They deserve to win every last one of them.
Sean Puffy Combs P Diddy will be doing a reality show on MTV. It'll be him traveling around and auditioning hiphop bands. Finally a non medicinal cure for my insomnia!
Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie are divorcing. One more reason never to get someone's name tattooed on your arm. Presumably, they will return his and her matching blood vials to each other. Angelina will keep their adopted Cambodian son and the couple will share the cost of the child's lifelong therapy as a result of being adopted by two super freaks.
American Idol. I watched it once. Judge "Simon" is like if Rex Reed married George Michael and had him as their baby. Such a little bitch, Simon is. Is it me, or do all the male acts sing wobbly just like Boys to Men?
Martha Stewart is launching a book club. More on that during the Blogathon, I promise.
Six Feet Under was nominated for 23 Emmy Awards. Is that all? They deserve to win every last one of them.
Sean Puffy Combs P Diddy will be doing a reality show on MTV. It'll be him traveling around and auditioning hiphop bands. Finally a non medicinal cure for my insomnia!
Soon, Very Soon, My Pretties
After a week or two of having a very slow and remarkably cruddy comments box, I am thrilled to say my sincere apologies to BlogBack have been accepted and I have been given permission to use that service again.
As a public service to those of you fortunate enough to have BlogBack, here are their ground rules:
* BlogBack must only be used on (multiple) weblog posts, or similar content.
* BlogBack must not be used as a substitute chatroom or guestbook.
* If your installation has not been used in the past four months, your account
will expire.
* You must only use the single BlogID assigned to your weblog. Any multiple
installations are flagged, investigated and usually removed.
* The service can be pulled at any time without prior notice.
In Texas we say, "You never miss your water till your well runs dry."
All I can say is that adage applies here.
My Blog Guru Grey Bird tells me she'll make the switch tonight.
Thanks go out to her, as always. And thanks especially to Marcus at BlogBack.
After a week or two of having a very slow and remarkably cruddy comments box, I am thrilled to say my sincere apologies to BlogBack have been accepted and I have been given permission to use that service again.
As a public service to those of you fortunate enough to have BlogBack, here are their ground rules:
* BlogBack must only be used on (multiple) weblog posts, or similar content.
* BlogBack must not be used as a substitute chatroom or guestbook.
* If your installation has not been used in the past four months, your account
will expire.
* You must only use the single BlogID assigned to your weblog. Any multiple
installations are flagged, investigated and usually removed.
* The service can be pulled at any time without prior notice.
In Texas we say, "You never miss your water till your well runs dry."
All I can say is that adage applies here.
My Blog Guru Grey Bird tells me she'll make the switch tonight.
Thanks go out to her, as always. And thanks especially to Marcus at BlogBack.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Like Picking Rotten Apples off the Ground!
Woo Wee! Get a load of this:
"ORLANDO, Fla. (July 17) - President Bush's niece Noelle, the daughter of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, was jailed on Wednesday for violating the terms of a court-ordered drug treatment program, a court official said.
Noelle Bush, 24, was arrested in January on a charge of fraudulently trying to obtain the prescription anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She was arrested outside a pharmacy in the state capital, Tallahassee.
Orange County Circuit Judge Reginald Whitehead in Orlando ordered Noelle Bush jailed for 72 hours without bail on Wednesday on a charge of contempt of court for failing to comply with her treatment program, the court official said. The nature of the violation was not immediately known."
Yep. I want a Governor who can't even control his own kids.
If my Daddy was governor when I was 24, I would have died before I humiliated our family with a cheesy drug bust and a probation violation. Hell, I wouldn't have to die, my mother would have killed me.
These Bush people don't have what we in the South call "home training." No manners. No sense of dignity. Dubya was the same way when he was in his 20's, with at least one dwi, a coke habit, the works.
You never saw this kinda shit with Chelsea Clinton or any of the Gore daughters.
For a political party that stresses family values, the GOP has more than it's share of fucked up, rebellious kids.
The GOP bitched about Clinton smoking some dope while he was a student in England, yet they overlooked the silver straw Dubya had up his nose for 10 years.
The GOP act like the Lewinsky blow jobs were a big thing, yet they fucked all of us with Iran Contra, Watergate and countless other illegal maneuvers.
Dubya couldn't pass a polygraph test to carry U.S. mail, yet he's running the country.
When are the American people going to wake up and see who the bad guys really are?
Woo Wee! Get a load of this:
"ORLANDO, Fla. (July 17) - President Bush's niece Noelle, the daughter of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, was jailed on Wednesday for violating the terms of a court-ordered drug treatment program, a court official said.
Noelle Bush, 24, was arrested in January on a charge of fraudulently trying to obtain the prescription anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She was arrested outside a pharmacy in the state capital, Tallahassee.
Orange County Circuit Judge Reginald Whitehead in Orlando ordered Noelle Bush jailed for 72 hours without bail on Wednesday on a charge of contempt of court for failing to comply with her treatment program, the court official said. The nature of the violation was not immediately known."
Yep. I want a Governor who can't even control his own kids.
If my Daddy was governor when I was 24, I would have died before I humiliated our family with a cheesy drug bust and a probation violation. Hell, I wouldn't have to die, my mother would have killed me.
These Bush people don't have what we in the South call "home training." No manners. No sense of dignity. Dubya was the same way when he was in his 20's, with at least one dwi, a coke habit, the works.
You never saw this kinda shit with Chelsea Clinton or any of the Gore daughters.
For a political party that stresses family values, the GOP has more than it's share of fucked up, rebellious kids.
The GOP bitched about Clinton smoking some dope while he was a student in England, yet they overlooked the silver straw Dubya had up his nose for 10 years.
The GOP act like the Lewinsky blow jobs were a big thing, yet they fucked all of us with Iran Contra, Watergate and countless other illegal maneuvers.
Dubya couldn't pass a polygraph test to carry U.S. mail, yet he's running the country.
When are the American people going to wake up and see who the bad guys really are?
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