Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Larry Craig Confesses!
"Dear Americans and especially Idahoans,
I am sorry to admit that I intentionally obfuscated the facts about the unfortunate incident that occurred recently in a Minneapolis airport toilet. I did so because of a very personal issue that causes me a great deal of shame.
Yes, I do take a wide stance while defecating.
Because I have to spread my cheeks this far (see photo) so the painful, swollen hemorrhoidal tissue surrounding my anus is cleared away enough for me to have a proper bowel movement.
So there you have it.
For the love of Pete*, I'm not a naughty, nasty, bad boy like Bill Clinton--I'm just a normal, red blooded heterosexual from Idaho who'd rather have to strain to move my bowels than give up eating those delicious Idaho spuds packed with cheese made from All-American Idaho cow's milk.
Now, the left-wing lunatic fringe is even claiming I adopted my lovely wife Suzanne's three children from her previous marriage because I'm not heterosexual enough to impregnate her myself! How outrageous to claim that a board member of the National Rifle Association such as myself who can handle the longest, hardest rifle yet can't pull my trigger into such a lovely wife as my Suzanne!
Again, I am not gay, have never been gay and if I was gay I'd not be gay in public toilets. Or anywhere.
No, really, I'm not gay.
*Pete is not a real person and if he was I wouldn't love him except in the same Christian way that a man loves his fellow Christian man.