Larry Craig Confesses!
"Dear Americans and especially Idahoans,
I am sorry to admit that I intentionally obfuscated the facts about the unfortunate incident that occurred recently in a Minneapolis airport toilet. I did so because of a very personal issue that causes me a great deal of shame.
Yes, I do take a wide stance while defecating.
Why?
Because I have to spread my cheeks this far (see photo) so the painful, swollen hemorrhoidal tissue surrounding my anus is cleared away enough for me to have a proper bowel movement.
So there you have it.
For the love of Pete*, I'm not a naughty, nasty, bad boy like Bill Clinton--I'm just a normal, red blooded heterosexual from Idaho who'd rather have to strain to move my bowels than give up eating those delicious Idaho spuds packed with cheese made from All-American Idaho cow's milk.
Now, the left-wing lunatic fringe is even claiming I adopted my lovely wife Suzanne's three children from her previous marriage because I'm not heterosexual enough to impregnate her myself! How outrageous to claim that a board member of the National Rifle Association such as myself who can handle the longest, hardest rifle yet can't pull my trigger into such a lovely wife as my Suzanne!
Again, I am not gay, have never been gay and if I was gay I'd not be gay in public toilets. Or anywhere.
No, really, I'm not gay.
*Pete is not a real person and if he was I wouldn't love him except in the same Christian way that a man loves his fellow Christian man.
15 comments:
Idaho? YOU da ho, man.
LOVE the personal ad!
I made the mistake of reading your blog at work and laughed so hard I had to step outside.
I'm sorry...hope you are on the ground floor. :)
Why does the US deify its politicians? Teddy Kennedy can root anything that breathes as long as it's wearing a skirt yet this gets airtime on Larry King, who drags in Dina McGreevey. I so don't get this, it just doesn't happen in Australia.
The U.S. loves to catch hypocrits in the act of doing what they preach against. Teddy, Barny Franks, Bill Clinton have never preached hate against other womanizers and gays, so its not big press. But give us a self-exalted hypocrit like Craig the Spreader, and we'll pull him back down to earth in a most uncomfortable way.
Hi Jane!
Teddy Kennedy is so mummified and pickled in booze, I doubt he's poked anyone in years.
As for the GOP hypocrites, the anonymous commenter above clears that up for you.
P.S.
I don't think we Americans deify our politicians. I haven't deified anyone since Ann Richards, and by God she deserved it.
I sure as hell ain't deifying any of the clowns we currently have running for President. The best I can do is to tolerate a few of them.
Thanks very much for sending us Dubya, by the way. Such a pity I live two states away otherwise I'd be there to protest!
We sent his other wife Condi, too. Would it have been asking too much for a stray Aborigine to spear them?
Oh, please. She's been too busy trying to play golf with our Foreign Minister (Google "the things that batter" for further information on this bloke). As for spearing them, nope, the 2.8m fence separating APEC from the rest of Sydney put paid to that. I must say, however, that the Chaser boys gave APEC security a Red Hot Go. I think I should start my own blog. Would anybody read it? I promise to adhere to Lynne Truss' standards.
Jane, I'd read it! Not only are you an adorable Aussie, you're funny and smart.
And did I mention adorable?
Mmmm.
Listen, you hustler. Get back to work or I'll sic the DWP on you.
It's time for a new post. It's not as if we've all run out of material.
Yeah, we want a new post. Craig's dead to us so let's work on another topic.
How about Fred Thompson?
Doesn't he scare the beejeezus out of you?
Hold on there Jane, did you mean "Apec" or "Opec" because sometimes you Austrians get confused.
Thanks, Karen! I've created a blog (haven't written anything yet, tho!) As for you, anon, OPEC SCHMOPEC! If you're going to leave the L out it's spelt Orstraya!
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