Friday, January 11, 2008

Ask Aunt Karen

Dear Aunt Karen,
People say I am very witty. What things should I say to appear even wittier?
-Witty in Waco

Dear Witty,
It's more what you don't say.
Don't end statements with the phrase, "not so much."
Example: "Beyonce has a great singing voice. Britney, not so much."

Dear Aunt Karen,
I don't understand women. What do they want?
-Eager Beaver in Oregon

Dear Beaver,
If I knew that, Heidi Klum would ditch Seal and the kids and move in with me.


Dear Aunt Karen,
What's the difference between a lesbian and a bull dyke?
-Curious in Kansas

Dear Curious,
About 50 pounds and a pair of men's Old Navy khakis.


Dear Aunt Karen,
How can I determine whether a friend has an alcohol or drug problem?
-Moderate in Modesto

Dear Moderate,
If my friends drink more booze or smoke more pot than I do, they have a problem.


Lulu Maude said...

Dear Aunt Karen,

Everyone is picking on me. I am a world famous shrink, and I consulted with Britney and announced her diagnosis to the world. Suddenly everybody is criticizing me, even though my pronouncements are right up there with Moses'.

What should I do>

Dr. Fill

Karen Zipdrive said...

Dear Dr. Fill,

You were a jury consultant when Oprah discovered you, right?
Britney needs prescribed medication to manage her bipolar disorder.
You cannot prescribe medications because you aren't a medical doctor, you're a psychologist.
It's kinda like when you loaned your fat ass visage to sell diet foods. They didn't stay on the market, now did they? No.
Go play tennis and be quiet now, ass clown.

dguzman said...

Oh Aunt Karen, you know everything!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Get this: I read today that a psychologist in California has lodged a formal complain against Dr. Phil because he let his Texas licence to practice expire and he never bothered to get a license in California.
Plus his public discussion of his visit with Britney Spears when she was hospitalized might constitute a breach of confidentiality- which is a felony in California.
That fat bastard might be in huge trouble. Maybe he can retool his ridiculous talk show and just call it, "Phil."

CLD said...

"Dear Curious,
About 50 pounds and a pair of men's Old Navy khakis."

It's great to see the Old Zippy back again! ::snorts::