Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sarah Palin's Secret Contract Rider

Students at Yale found contract documents between Palin and Yale, and they unearthed her top secret rider. Here it is:

Must fly first class, or if private must be a big jet, not a little one
Must have entire floor of deluxe hotel, with room service n' such
Room must have fancy sheets and pillows, plus privacy: NO BUGS
Bendy straws and two water bottles on lectern, with water in bottles
Dressing room must have floor to ceiling mirrors & Fox News on the 72" plasma TV
Dressing room closet must be filled with free fancy clothes from Saks and Neiman's, size 8, along with 12 pair Manolo Blahnik, Ferragamo and Prada women's black pumps, size 9
6 sets of Spanks, size med.
6 Wonderbras, size 34 b
6 thong panties, high quality and UNUSED size 4
1 quart L'air du Temps perfume (not cologne)
Complete array of Cover Girl cosmetics, med. complexion

Refreshments for dressing room:

Moose & caribou jerky: 5 lb. each teriyaki flavor, hickory flavor and jalapeno flavor
1 crockpot moose stew, warm
12 cases Diet Cokes
12 cases Diet Yoohoos
12 bottles extra fancy champagne, with price tags attached
12 Subway sandwiches & 12 Subway wraps, assorted flavors
16 Milky Way candy bars, XL
16 Large bags, Skittles
1 case Dingdongs
1 case Ho-Hos
1 case Oreos w/ extra stuff only
1 case Peppridge Farm goldfish
2 loaves fresh bread, white
6 spiral cut frozen hams, Honeybaked
6 frozen Butterball turkeys, 20# or more each
6 full sized frozen beef tenderloins, min. 8# each
1 case thick cut bacon, applewood smoked, frozen
6 10# sacks Yukon Gold potatoes
24 cans Devil Ham (brand name)
12 cans tuna, albacore, name brand
6 large quarts Miracle Whip
1 iceberg lettuce
6 quarts pickle relish
6 large cans Ajax cleanser
6 extra large bottles 409 spray
12 bars Ivory Soap, XL size
1 case Joy dishwashing liquid, summer lavender scent
6 gallons Tide liquid detergent
12 fluffy towels--aqua blue
24 fluffy wash rags--aqua blue
4 Swiffer mops
24 mop refills
1 case, Mr. Clean Magic Sponges (no generic)
6 Snugglys, arctic patterns only
12 large boxes cereal, Cap'n Crunch
12 large boxes cereal, Count Chocula
12 large boxes cereal, Trix
1 case apple sauce
1 case each, sliced peaches, fruit cocktail, pears-Libby or equiv. brand
6 cases Enfamil baby formula
12 cases Huggies, toddler size
8 Michelin snow tires to fit large SUV
2 cases 40w Pennzoil
2 gal. windshield washer fluid
6 large flashlights- brand name
12 cases batteries, asst. sizes
Service for 24, Oneida sterling silverware, Duchess pattern
Service for 24, Fitz and Floyd china, Wintry Wonderland pattern
48 fancy linen napkins, white
6 king size down comforters, 300 thread count or higher
1 remington rifle
1 case ammo for rifle
1 telescope, x100 or higher
Large, sturdy bags to pack goods to take with Palin upon leaving
1 heavy duty dolly
6 quilted packing blankets


Fran said...

Oh shit - I am laughing so hard.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Hmm I thought the snow tires would be a nice touch...

nonnie9999 said...

how quickly we forget. not diet coke and yoohoos!remember now?

p.s. and the snow tires were a very nice touch, but i think i liked the 6 large quarts of miracle whip best. i bet she and her family really do love that shit. bleh!

nonnie9999 said...

crap, i meant to add that you should throw in a few dozen of those kfc breadless sandwiches, too.

Fran said...

The Queen is coming to MY town soon.
Got any good signage suggestions for the welcoming committee????

Karen Zipdrive said...

Yes, Fran. I suggest you cut out a hand and write on the palm in a girly scrawl, "Even George W. Bush wasn't this fucking stupid."

Lulu Maude said...

... and after all that, you're stuck listening to Sarah Fucking Palin.

Big whoop.