Sunday, December 11, 2005

Assorted Rants

Since when does toenail fungus deserve 60-second commercials featuring some icky cartoon Troglodyte jumping in and out of infested toenails? Between that and the cartoon ad about a family of trailer trash mucus setting up housekeeping in some poor schmuck's lungs, I could almost gag.
You want healthy toenails? Stay out of Asian pedicure parlors.
You want mucus free lungs? Stay out of crowds and wash your hands a lot.

I also am tired of these scare tactics being used to warn us off beef, fish and fowl. I somehow doubt anyone will become afflicted with Mad Cow disease, mercury poisoning or Avian flu all at the same time.
I mean, if we listen to all the doomsday forecasters, all the meat we'll have left to eat is pork. Can you imagine? Swine is suddenly the only safe meat? Oy vey.

I love how Bush called a special meeting to tell us how fabulous the economy is doing. He failed to mention the all-time record bankruptcies filed in 2005, or the new banking laws designed to fuck the credit card consumer seven ways to Sunday.

And John McCain can just shut the hell up. He is rightfully against detainee or prisoner of war torture, yet he continues to snuggle up with America's Torture Trio: Dick, Bush and Rummy. Until McCain develops some balls and calls for an end to the Iraqi boondoggle, he can sit there in his bizarre chipmunk cheeks and stew.

As for Bill O'Reilly, I'd like to beat him with a club. The old pervert needs to retire and go into seclusion. His righteous indignation act is so phony, he had to come up with a fantasy left-wing war against Christmas just so he'd have something fresh to rant about. If he wants to be the angel on top of my Christmas tree, I'd gladly shove it up his ass.

Actually, I don't have a Christmas tree. My insane kitten Nick would dismantle a tree in 30 seconds. He's only 8 months old and already he's learned how to take down mini blinds, strip the upholstery off my loveseat down to the wood, carry a shoe in his mouth into another room and jump from the kitchen floor to the top of the refrigerator in one leap.

I had to put both my male cats on a diet. They eat like a couple of teenaged football players and James, the older one, was developing a belly that rivaled John Goodwin's. Alas, their diet results in empty bowls in the morning, which causes them both to conspire against my sleeping body way too early. They take turns strolling up and down my torso, meowing like banshees and putting their cold, wet noses on my face.
I may just have to settle for having two fat cats.
I need the rest.


The Educated Eclectic said...

Okay - I so needed a quick break and am GLAD I came here for it...I nearly laughed my ass off at the mental picture of a tip of an Xmas tree jutting up O'Reilly's...

JimBob said...

oh i see now YOU'RE against xmas too, kz! obviously if you don't like bill o'reilly, then you MUST be anti-xmas, and that makes you a card-carrying commie pinko leftwing nutcase!

oh wait. sorry. turned into my dad for a second there. LOL!

i have 2 cats that eat like pigs too. AND they have the nerve to bitch about it when i don't fill their bowls the millisecond that i wake up in the morning. for some reason, all they think they have to do in this world is eat, sleep, and shit.

man, what a life they have... *sigh*

dusty said...

that was rich..and very funny..I know your dilemma with the kitten nick..I have three that would take a tree down in a nanosecond. I love your o'reilly one..

I also would like to add that Joe Lieberman should get his nose out of Bushies ass, he has it so far up there he knows what the moron had for lunch.

Shelley said...

Have you tried feeding the cats at night instead of in the morning? I feed Olivia when I get home in the evening (between 6 and 8 pm, usually) and she doesn't bother me much in the mornings.

Well, she doesn't bother me for FOOD in the mornings. She still wants to play.

Karen Zipdrive said...

I work at home. If I tried just feeding the boys at night, they'd be bugging me all day like a tag team.
Yeah, I forgot ALF's father Joe Lieberman. He's a traitor to his party and should be ignored until the clock winds down.
And one more thing that's bothering me- Bush sent out "Happy Holiday" cards instead of Christmas cards. For such a devout Christian family (heh heh) they should be proud of this holiest of holy days.
Fucking panderers.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Looks like Rush Limbaugh's doctors get to compare notes in court about how he was able to score more than 2,000 Oxycontins in six months.
Not counting his Internet orders of the ass-kicking narcotic, his doctor shopping was netting him about 11 hits a day.
No wonder he's got so many fucked up views. Try taking 11 or more Oxycontins in one day, then get on the radio and opine.
Drain bramage much?