Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Secret Diary of Nuri al-Maliki

As a public service to Pulp Friction readers, our crack team of investigative journalist have discovered a translated version of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki's private diary.

July 22, 2008
Heavens to Allah! (may Allah bless himself fervently with all good tidings and comfortable bedding) These American foreign invader politics-men are stretching my patience like burka on a fat woman.
First, Barack al Hussein al Obama comes to me and I tell him to please to become president American and take dirty, cussing American troops back unto the United al States, with great haste.
He say he glad to pass along request, then he say no when I ask him to face Mecca and pray afternoon prayers to Allah with me. He tell me he is Jesus Christian! I say how can that be, Barack al Hussein? And he sing back to me a strange song, "Papa was rolling stone" and he say that he a MINO- Muslim in name only! Heavens to Allah- may His name be blessed with the tears of one thousand virgins...
Then when Obama the Jesus Christian tell the newspapers in USA that Maliki ask for infidel American troops to soon leave Iraqi soil, my telephones beginning to ring like the bells of the sacred mosque, with American georgebush John McCain on line.
He say to me, "Nuri, if you remember, we said you could be prime minister as long as you co-operate with American georgebush rules, and those rules say WE decide when to pull troops, not YOU decide!"
I struggle to keep manhood and tell to him I want to make the troops American go out soon, and he laughs loudly in my ear like evil imperialist infidel on bad movie screen.
He then says to me, "Listen, My Friend, unless you want to become tattoo with American Flag on your forehead and Mohammed on your backside, you will tell newspaper Americans that Obama make mistake and you only want troops to leave when American military leaders tell you you want troops to leave."
Before I try engage him in diplomat conversation, he hangs up phone, may Allah curse his rudeness with enlarged face gland.
I consider the bad tattoos and I tell the newspapers no that is not what I said, but I make sure to blink my eyes fast and look from the side to the side to show that I am not say the truth of my feelings.
The georgebush John McCain is bully like real georgebush, only he is so very old like Cleric Mohammed al Qaliki, with skin thin like papyrus and clothing smell like urine from camel.
Barack al Hussein al Obama very strange too also. He was at dinner very finicky like cat, not to touch the figs, the dates, the olives or the lamb tongue. Only eating the chicken and melon.
Also georgebush McCain bring with him his wife white like ghost with white skin and white hair. She look at me like she not can see, then she speak too quietly to hear with eyes cast down like proper wife, except dress like trollop with face make-up too much thick and red lips paint.

I am not certain of except one thing. Either man is bad but neither man as bad as georgebush, may Allah strike him hard with idiocy and foolishness in word and deed.


bigsis said...

Zip, your translation skills are phenomenal. I laughed like hell.

But I guess I'm out of touch, did Maliki really refute what Obama said - about removing the US troups?

karenzipdrive said...

Yes, Maliki had to hedge his statement and say he was for a "conditional withdrawal."
What bullshit.
That term is right out of the Dick Cheney playbook.

CDP said...

That was hilarious.

Lulu Maude said...

I have always liked the word trollop.

bigsis said...

That's okay, I just saw the MSNBC poll and 60% said they favor the timetable idea.

And what's up with that whiney ass McCaint complaining about the media giving O too much coverage, and saying O's more interested in the election than winning the war, and today he's saying O was not sincere when he wrote "...never again" at the Yad Vashem. Why doesn't he cut to the chase and just say Obama's a traitor and a liar. McCaint's a bitter and divisive old fart.

karenzipdrive said...

If McCain's not making huge gaffes about his lack of foreign policy knowledge, he's defensive about Obama.
He's got nothing to offer, so what else has he got to offer besides being a snippy old coot?

FranIAm said...

Holy crap - that is great. I love the work of the "crack journalist."

I am just a bit worried about what kind of crack!

karenzipdrive said...

Lemme see...
A. crack cocaine
B. ass crack
C. wise crack.
D. crack o' dawn

I select C.

Dusty said...

Fuck me running..this is truly awesome KZ!

I was howling my hairy ass off, the cats all ran for cover, probably thinking I was on the edge of going postal again. ;p

So much juicy material here..Its hard to name a favorite passage. May god/allah/buddha and any other entity there is bless your wonderful ass.

Dusty said...

I am still giggling..btw, I linked to you, this is priceless! ;)

dguzman said...

Now THAT'S journalism! May American georgebush media learn from your al bestness.

Distributorcap said...

i am telling you --- this could be a series on PBS - forget the hitler forgeries!

The Secret Diary of

Laura Bush
tom Delay
Joe Lieberman

karenzipdrive said...

Laura Bush would be good. Tom Delay would make me sick to channel...but Lieberman, hmm,I see

Mauigirl said...

Great post, very funny and probably all too true...