The Secret Diary of Nuri al-Maliki



As a public service to Pulp Friction readers, our crack team of investigative journalist have discovered a translated version of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki's private diary.

July 22, 2008
Heavens to Allah! (may Allah bless himself fervently with all good tidings and comfortable bedding) These American foreign invader politics-men are stretching my patience like burka on a fat woman.
First, Barack al Hussein al Obama comes to me and I tell him to please to become president American and take dirty, cussing American troops back unto the United al States, with great haste.
He say he glad to pass along request, then he say no when I ask him to face Mecca and pray afternoon prayers to Allah with me. He tell me he is Jesus Christian! I say how can that be, Barack al Hussein? And he sing back to me a strange song, "Papa was rolling stone" and he say that he a MINO- Muslim in name only! Heavens to Allah- may His name be blessed with the tears of one thousand virgins...
Then when Obama the Jesus Christian tell the newspapers in USA that Maliki ask for infidel American troops to soon leave Iraqi soil, my telephones beginning to ring like the bells of the sacred mosque, with American georgebush John McCain on line.
He say to me, "Nuri, if you remember, we said you could be prime minister as long as you co-operate with American georgebush rules, and those rules say WE decide when to pull troops, not YOU decide!"
I struggle to keep manhood and tell to him I want to make the troops American go out soon, and he laughs loudly in my ear like evil imperialist infidel on bad movie screen.
He then says to me, "Listen, My Friend, unless you want to become tattoo with American Flag on your forehead and Mohammed on your backside, you will tell newspaper Americans that Obama make mistake and you only want troops to leave when American military leaders tell you you want troops to leave."
Before I try engage him in diplomat conversation, he hangs up phone, may Allah curse his rudeness with enlarged face gland.
I consider the bad tattoos and I tell the newspapers no that is not what I said, but I make sure to blink my eyes fast and look from the side to the side to show that I am not say the truth of my feelings.
The georgebush John McCain is bully like real georgebush, only he is so very old like Cleric Mohammed al Qaliki, with skin thin like papyrus and clothing smell like urine from camel.
Barack al Hussein al Obama very strange too also. He was at dinner very finicky like cat, not to touch the figs, the dates, the olives or the lamb tongue. Only eating the chicken and melon.
Also georgebush McCain bring with him his wife white like ghost with white skin and white hair. She look at me like she not can see, then she speak too quietly to hear with eyes cast down like proper wife, except dress like trollop with face make-up too much thick and red lips paint.

I am not certain of except one thing. Either man is bad but neither man as bad as georgebush, may Allah strike him hard with idiocy and foolishness in word and deed.