Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Secret Journal of Laura Bush

Golly, I cain't believe it's been almost 8 years that the President and I have been in the Whitehouse.
To think, in less than 180 days I can stop calling him the President and start calling him the defendant--in my divorce proceedings, that is.
It's not that he harasses me for sexual favors--I wish!
What gets me is him bringing books about waging war to bed-- then he keeps waking me up to ask what words mean.
And I'm so sick of those darn poker games in the residence. When will he catch on that Dick and Condi and Bruce Willis all cheat like riverboat gamblers?!
And I'm sick of having to pack his peanut butter and jelly and fruit roll-ups and animal crackers and those dad-blasted half gallons of bourbon in my luggage when we go overseas.
There we were, in Paris, France and he turns up his nose at all that delicious French cuisinery and waits till we get back to the hotel room so he can dip animal crackers in pb&j like a goldarn hick!
And that mother-in-law! Why isn't she dead yet? If I hear her call him Georgie Porgie and see her pat him on the butt one more time I may scream!
I met John McCain's wife not long ago. She's a little plasticky looking, but Lawdy has she got a pharmacy in her purse!
She gave me 40 Vicodin, 60 valium, 16 muscle relaxers, 40 Ritalin and 25 Percosets and a bottle of real Absynthe. Now THAT was a hostess gift!
Now if I can just hide them from Jenna!
I can't believe Cindy's married to that old coot. He smells like urine and his teeth are the color of Cheetos. Plus he calls her the most horrible names, like the c word, the b word and the mf word! It was horrid!
The media certainly likes the Obamas. He's okay but she's another Omarosa or Condi Rice. Horrid!
And speaking of the media, I cain't believe they haven't yet figgered out that my dear daughter Barbara has been missing for so long. If they ever found out that that dirty rat Dick Cheney shot her dead on that hunting trip, we'd never hear the end of it!
That's another reason I hate the President. When he found out what Dick had done, he just snickered and said, "Glad we had two of 'em!" He always preferred Jenna anyway. It's sad, in a way.
But soon I'll be free of all of them.
The minute Halliburton and Dick build us our 70,000 square foot mansion in Dallas, I'm taking it all for myself and sending the stupid President back to that dump of his in Crawford. Let him get drunk and coked up and clear brush for the rest of his stupid life!
Meanwhile, I plan to become a cougar like they talk about on The View. I have my eyes on a few cuties--Scott McClellan, George Stephanopolis and that adorable Anderson Cooper!
I'm already shopping online for sexy outfits I plan to wear with those cute guys, like the one in the picture for instance.
Well, it's bedtime and the Vicodin, muscle relaxers and Absynthe are kicking in so I better end this for now.
As they say in France, ciao for now!!!


Distributorcap said...

you have fucking out did yourself

Now if I can just hide them from Jenna!

that was it..... i hit the floor

as they say in Italy
au revoir

but i always figured laura for the tighty whitey panty set, but what do guys know

bigsis said...

Especially gay guys.

Zip, you hit this one out of the ball park.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Hey wait- we don't actually know D-Cap's sexual orientation. All we know is he's cute enough to take his pick.

Bradda said...

"He smells like urine and his teeth are the color of cheetos"

LMAO. Yet another amazing "secret" diary.

Lulu Maude said...

I'm wit' Bradda.

Mauigirl said...

ROTFLMAO! So funny.

Dusty said...

What Bradda said!

dguzman said...

As they say in Lichtenstein, fucking awesome post, mate!

Border Explorer said...

Would someone please dial 911 because I'm dyin' of laughter.

Jess Wundrun said...

I always thought there'd be more cobwebs in the coocher region.

Bradda said...

By the way, I had nightmares last night thanks to that picture...

Karen Zipdrive said...

Jess- you certainly have a way with phrasing.
Just the thought of Laura Bush's "coocher region" was enough to make my stomach flip a little.
As for the cobwebs, I'm sure Barney has that taken care of.

Mike said...

when viewing this picture, i remember one of the oldest internet proverbs: one cannot unsee something