Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Top Secret Diary of John McCain

July 24, 2008.

Goddamn that little jerk Obama.
I'm so goddamn mad I feel like shoving sharpened bamboo sticks into his eye sockets.
Yeah, he thinks he's all popular with the goddamn krauts, but they like blacks because they're a goddamn novelty in Germany, that's all.
And what a phony he is, accepting my challenge to visit Iraq or Iran or wherever the hell we are in that god-forsaken goddamn rathole, then he had the balls to charm everyone in sight. What a goddamn show-off bullshitter that cocky little punk is.
Even that goddamn turncoat Petrayus was smiling at him like one of those queers in Brokeback Mountain.
I hope Petrayus likes his new duty station in Slobovia once I become the goddamn POTUS.
I don't think it's dignified for an American presidential candidate to visit abroad and give speeches like he's already the goddamn president, for fuck's sake.
That cocky young bastard acts like he's already sewn things up but I think he's
Oh, for god's sake, here comes that cunt Cindy with that goddamn Metamucil bottle again. What does she care if I take a crap or not? It's not like that bitch washes my goddamn shorts.
What is with these bitches I marry turning out to be not the women I married? I'll tell you what, that Ann Coulter is starting to look mighty good to me. She's a little too old for me, but at least the bitch can talk and chew gum at the same goddamn time, unlike that cunt Cindy and her dopey, googly eyes from gulping down all that goddamn prescription dope.
Hell, I hope the Belgians who bought Budweiser force that cunt to transfer to Brussels so I can get some goddamn peace and quiet around here. And I hope she takes that goddamn Bridgett with her, too. I need a fat black adopted kid during this race like I need a hole in the goddamn head.
She's got the nerve to bitch about being kept in the shadows, too. Hell, if it wasn't for us, she'd be back in Bangladesh eating crickets and playing with rocks.
Damn, I'm having those bad headaches again. I feel like I did back in Hanoi Hilton after they made me eat those dirty goddamn live rats. Everything I see has a red outline around it, like those gooks slipped me some goddamn LSD again, or some goddamn thing. And my goddamn shoulders are killing me. I've got goddamn lumps in them the size of Bush's balls.
And now I have to pick a goddamn vice president out of this crop of lousy shit-asses. Mitt Romney, that phony religious nut bastard, is all but licking my ass to get the job, but I hate that hairy ape bastard. Still, he'd appeal to the rich guys and bring in some moolah.
I have interviewed some real zeros so far, even that Injun bastard Bobby Jindal from Lousy-anna, who should just stick to answering the help desk phone at Dell computers, that cocky little punjabby jerk.
And this goddamn Obama's love affair with the leftwing media. Obama making 3-point shots. Obama's plane filled with fucking network anchors. Obama visiting the goddamned troops in Iran. Meanwhile, my goddamn stupid ass campaign advisors have me standing in a goddamn grocery store in front of a goddamn dairy case full of goddamn cheese.
Obama is there addressing 200,000 krauts in Berlin, and there I was, standing in some goddamn kraut restaurant in goddamn Naziville, Ohio addressing about 12 fat old kraut ladies.
Now the goddamn pinko media is saying I'm jealous about all the goddamn attention that little jerk is getting overseas. Well, that's just bullshit.
I suppose next he'll be charming those goddamn French frogs. Never mind that they still owe us from WWII, they have the balls to be cocky with America--a country that can chew them up and shit them out, goddamn Metamucil or not.
I figure we'll see Obama wearing a goddamn beret and drinking chardonnay with that goddamn Sarkozy's slutty whore of a wife before long. And those fruity French bastards will eat it up like those goddamn krauts did.
I'm so goddamn mad, I'd love to elbow that little punk Obama in the head if I could lift my goddamn arm to do it.

But the goddamn surge is working, and that's going to be my goddamn secret weapon come November.
Hell, if that cocky little bastard Obama had anything to say about it, we would have never invaded goddamn Iraq in the first place. Shows how much that little punk knows.

Well, I'm going to have four more fingers of bourbon before I have to crawl into the crypt with old cunt-face. I hope she's passed out by the time I get there. If she asks me what I'm thinking one more time, I'll kick her so hard her goddamn face lift will fall out.


FranIAm said...

This shit is seriously funny!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I just followed you home and then I find this!

I feel so dirty after peeking into McCain's diary. I laughed my ass off, but I still feel so, so dirty.

Karen Zipdrive said...

I know someone who'd be happy to give you a little sponge bath.

Turbo: said...

Oh my lord in heaven, Karen. You are fucking hilarious! Props to Fran for linking you so that I found you, one read and you're on my blogroll. Keep it comin!!!

Randal Graves said...

HA! This is fucking brilliant!

CDP said...

Seriously hilarious.

dguzman said...

Holy shit, Karen--it's like you are reading his "thoughts," right down to each and every "goddamn" and "cunt"! If I weren't laughing my ass off right now, I'd start worrying about you.

Pure bloggy gold, man.

karenzipdrive said...

I had to borrow some profanity from my pal Dusty's arsenal. I ran out somewhere between the fourth and fifth paragraphs.

Leo said...


Christy said...

I LOVE this....linked to it....

Bradda said...

Ok I finnally spit my beverage on my keyboard, I've joked about doing it before but this was the real deal. Fucking hilarious...I'll be back on a regular basis now.

Border Explorer said...

Ditto all of the above. You are one hilarious blogger. Linky time.

Bradda said...

Oh yea, you have joined our Literate Electorate! Wee...Keep up the good work!

johnieb said...

Veddy Funny, yesh.

And don't worry about borrowing profanity; it's mostly repetition.

Lina said...

I found this site called maybe you can use it. It seems to help get me through the issues of dealing with some of the jerks I know. At least I can vent about these jerks, plus I get a kick out of sending them some cards.

Distributorcap said...

kz ---

when does the movie come out "diary of a mad presidential candidate"

what makes this even funnier -- i would bet it is all true!


Anonymous said...

I am LOL unbelievably funny. :)

Mauigirl said...

This is priceless! I'm sure this is just what he's thinking!

stella said...

I found this site called maybe you can use it. It seems to help get me through the issues of dealing with some of the jerks I know. At least I can vent about these jerks, plus I get a kick out of sending them some cards.

karenzipdrive said...

That website blows.
Stop advertising your crappy site on my blog, please.