Thursday, July 31, 2008

Same Advisors, Same Bullshit

McCain cannot stand that Barack Obama's popularity eclipses his own. Obama has Hollywood, McCain has Wilfred Brimley.
Now the McCain campaign has out a commercial comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.
I thought McCain promised to keep the campaign clean and above board. He lied.
Now he's using Bush's campaign goons to help him poison the well of political discourse.
Choose one, the popular, poised guy or the well poisoner who's so desperate to win, he's actually drafted Bush's slimy campaign guys to help him lie his way into office.

You should have seen "The View" today. Everyone piled on that incredibly stupid Elisabeth Hassleblah for defending the ad. It was a real cat fight, because only the stupidest, most intractable lemmings think that ad was fair, truthful or relevant to this serious race for the presidency.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Oh, Goodie!

Oliver Stone's new comedy bio-pic "W" will premier on October 17, just in time to remind voters what the GOP foisted off on us eight years ago.
Methinks this movie will be like, "Mommie Dearest" and provide us with catch phrases we can use till the end of time, such as,"You're a bush! Act like one!"
(mission accomplished)
I'm a little disappointed with the casting. I would have cast Will Farrell as Bush, and instead of Ellen Burstyn as old Barbara Bush, I would have fattened up Bea Arthur. Too bad Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde are dead--either would have made a great George H.W. Bush.
Still, I'm sure I can live with a campy, albeit miscast version of the life of history's greatest sociopathic wastrel.
Check it out and tell me what you think:

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Secret Journal of Laura Bush

Golly, I cain't believe it's been almost 8 years that the President and I have been in the Whitehouse.
To think, in less than 180 days I can stop calling him the President and start calling him the defendant--in my divorce proceedings, that is.
It's not that he harasses me for sexual favors--I wish!
What gets me is him bringing books about waging war to bed-- then he keeps waking me up to ask what words mean.
And I'm so sick of those darn poker games in the residence. When will he catch on that Dick and Condi and Bruce Willis all cheat like riverboat gamblers?!
And I'm sick of having to pack his peanut butter and jelly and fruit roll-ups and animal crackers and those dad-blasted half gallons of bourbon in my luggage when we go overseas.
There we were, in Paris, France and he turns up his nose at all that delicious French cuisinery and waits till we get back to the hotel room so he can dip animal crackers in pb&j like a goldarn hick!
And that mother-in-law! Why isn't she dead yet? If I hear her call him Georgie Porgie and see her pat him on the butt one more time I may scream!
I met John McCain's wife not long ago. She's a little plasticky looking, but Lawdy has she got a pharmacy in her purse!
She gave me 40 Vicodin, 60 valium, 16 muscle relaxers, 40 Ritalin and 25 Percosets and a bottle of real Absynthe. Now THAT was a hostess gift!
Now if I can just hide them from Jenna!
I can't believe Cindy's married to that old coot. He smells like urine and his teeth are the color of Cheetos. Plus he calls her the most horrible names, like the c word, the b word and the mf word! It was horrid!
The media certainly likes the Obamas. He's okay but she's another Omarosa or Condi Rice. Horrid!
And speaking of the media, I cain't believe they haven't yet figgered out that my dear daughter Barbara has been missing for so long. If they ever found out that that dirty rat Dick Cheney shot her dead on that hunting trip, we'd never hear the end of it!
That's another reason I hate the President. When he found out what Dick had done, he just snickered and said, "Glad we had two of 'em!" He always preferred Jenna anyway. It's sad, in a way.
But soon I'll be free of all of them.
The minute Halliburton and Dick build us our 70,000 square foot mansion in Dallas, I'm taking it all for myself and sending the stupid President back to that dump of his in Crawford. Let him get drunk and coked up and clear brush for the rest of his stupid life!
Meanwhile, I plan to become a cougar like they talk about on The View. I have my eyes on a few cuties--Scott McClellan, George Stephanopolis and that adorable Anderson Cooper!
I'm already shopping online for sexy outfits I plan to wear with those cute guys, like the one in the picture for instance.
Well, it's bedtime and the Vicodin, muscle relaxers and Absynthe are kicking in so I better end this for now.
As they say in France, ciao for now!!!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Top Secret Diary of John McCain

July 24, 2008.

Goddamn that little jerk Obama.
I'm so goddamn mad I feel like shoving sharpened bamboo sticks into his eye sockets.
Yeah, he thinks he's all popular with the goddamn krauts, but they like blacks because they're a goddamn novelty in Germany, that's all.
And what a phony he is, accepting my challenge to visit Iraq or Iran or wherever the hell we are in that god-forsaken goddamn rathole, then he had the balls to charm everyone in sight. What a goddamn show-off bullshitter that cocky little punk is.
Even that goddamn turncoat Petrayus was smiling at him like one of those queers in Brokeback Mountain.
I hope Petrayus likes his new duty station in Slobovia once I become the goddamn POTUS.
I don't think it's dignified for an American presidential candidate to visit abroad and give speeches like he's already the goddamn president, for fuck's sake.
That cocky young bastard acts like he's already sewn things up but I think he's
Oh, for god's sake, here comes that cunt Cindy with that goddamn Metamucil bottle again. What does she care if I take a crap or not? It's not like that bitch washes my goddamn shorts.
What is with these bitches I marry turning out to be not the women I married? I'll tell you what, that Ann Coulter is starting to look mighty good to me. She's a little too old for me, but at least the bitch can talk and chew gum at the same goddamn time, unlike that cunt Cindy and her dopey, googly eyes from gulping down all that goddamn prescription dope.
Hell, I hope the Belgians who bought Budweiser force that cunt to transfer to Brussels so I can get some goddamn peace and quiet around here. And I hope she takes that goddamn Bridgett with her, too. I need a fat black adopted kid during this race like I need a hole in the goddamn head.
She's got the nerve to bitch about being kept in the shadows, too. Hell, if it wasn't for us, she'd be back in Bangladesh eating crickets and playing with rocks.
Damn, I'm having those bad headaches again. I feel like I did back in Hanoi Hilton after they made me eat those dirty goddamn live rats. Everything I see has a red outline around it, like those gooks slipped me some goddamn LSD again, or some goddamn thing. And my goddamn shoulders are killing me. I've got goddamn lumps in them the size of Bush's balls.
And now I have to pick a goddamn vice president out of this crop of lousy shit-asses. Mitt Romney, that phony religious nut bastard, is all but licking my ass to get the job, but I hate that hairy ape bastard. Still, he'd appeal to the rich guys and bring in some moolah.
I have interviewed some real zeros so far, even that Injun bastard Bobby Jindal from Lousy-anna, who should just stick to answering the help desk phone at Dell computers, that cocky little punjabby jerk.
And this goddamn Obama's love affair with the leftwing media. Obama making 3-point shots. Obama's plane filled with fucking network anchors. Obama visiting the goddamned troops in Iran. Meanwhile, my goddamn stupid ass campaign advisors have me standing in a goddamn grocery store in front of a goddamn dairy case full of goddamn cheese.
Obama is there addressing 200,000 krauts in Berlin, and there I was, standing in some goddamn kraut restaurant in goddamn Naziville, Ohio addressing about 12 fat old kraut ladies.
Now the goddamn pinko media is saying I'm jealous about all the goddamn attention that little jerk is getting overseas. Well, that's just bullshit.
I suppose next he'll be charming those goddamn French frogs. Never mind that they still owe us from WWII, they have the balls to be cocky with America--a country that can chew them up and shit them out, goddamn Metamucil or not.
I figure we'll see Obama wearing a goddamn beret and drinking chardonnay with that goddamn Sarkozy's slutty whore of a wife before long. And those fruity French bastards will eat it up like those goddamn krauts did.
I'm so goddamn mad, I'd love to elbow that little punk Obama in the head if I could lift my goddamn arm to do it.

But the goddamn surge is working, and that's going to be my goddamn secret weapon come November.
Hell, if that cocky little bastard Obama had anything to say about it, we would have never invaded goddamn Iraq in the first place. Shows how much that little punk knows.

Well, I'm going to have four more fingers of bourbon before I have to crawl into the crypt with old cunt-face. I hope she's passed out by the time I get there. If she asks me what I'm thinking one more time, I'll kick her so hard her goddamn face lift will fall out.
Obama in Germany
Ich liebe dich!

Look at the size of that crowd!
Barack Obama's speech in Germany today was as close to perfection as a speech can get.
Imagine a crowd of more than 200,000 Germans, waving American flags and listening raptly to an American political hopeful.
Oh, it's good to feel liked again.
Oh, I'm so pleased that Obama has the sense to know that someone has to clean up the global messes that fucking imbecile George W. Bush and his ham-handed administration have made.
Oh, it was good to see a smiling Angela Merkel standing next to Obama instead of a cringing Angela Merkel trying to get that oafish Bush to stop massaging her shoulders.
Yeah, I have done my share of doubting Obama's bona fides and fretting about his electability, but if this is how he plans to represent us on the global front, I am impressed.
If this is how he comports himself on the global stage, I am impressed.
He's smart.
He's humble.
He's inspirational.

And McCain?

Yeah, well.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Secret Diary of Nuri al-Maliki

As a public service to Pulp Friction readers, our crack team of investigative journalist have discovered a translated version of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al Maliki's private diary.

July 22, 2008
Heavens to Allah! (may Allah bless himself fervently with all good tidings and comfortable bedding) These American foreign invader politics-men are stretching my patience like burka on a fat woman.
First, Barack al Hussein al Obama comes to me and I tell him to please to become president American and take dirty, cussing American troops back unto the United al States, with great haste.
He say he glad to pass along request, then he say no when I ask him to face Mecca and pray afternoon prayers to Allah with me. He tell me he is Jesus Christian! I say how can that be, Barack al Hussein? And he sing back to me a strange song, "Papa was rolling stone" and he say that he a MINO- Muslim in name only! Heavens to Allah- may His name be blessed with the tears of one thousand virgins...
Then when Obama the Jesus Christian tell the newspapers in USA that Maliki ask for infidel American troops to soon leave Iraqi soil, my telephones beginning to ring like the bells of the sacred mosque, with American georgebush John McCain on line.
He say to me, "Nuri, if you remember, we said you could be prime minister as long as you co-operate with American georgebush rules, and those rules say WE decide when to pull troops, not YOU decide!"
I struggle to keep manhood and tell to him I want to make the troops American go out soon, and he laughs loudly in my ear like evil imperialist infidel on bad movie screen.
He then says to me, "Listen, My Friend, unless you want to become tattoo with American Flag on your forehead and Mohammed on your backside, you will tell newspaper Americans that Obama make mistake and you only want troops to leave when American military leaders tell you you want troops to leave."
Before I try engage him in diplomat conversation, he hangs up phone, may Allah curse his rudeness with enlarged face gland.
I consider the bad tattoos and I tell the newspapers no that is not what I said, but I make sure to blink my eyes fast and look from the side to the side to show that I am not say the truth of my feelings.
The georgebush John McCain is bully like real georgebush, only he is so very old like Cleric Mohammed al Qaliki, with skin thin like papyrus and clothing smell like urine from camel.
Barack al Hussein al Obama very strange too also. He was at dinner very finicky like cat, not to touch the figs, the dates, the olives or the lamb tongue. Only eating the chicken and melon.
Also georgebush McCain bring with him his wife white like ghost with white skin and white hair. She look at me like she not can see, then she speak too quietly to hear with eyes cast down like proper wife, except dress like trollop with face make-up too much thick and red lips paint.

I am not certain of except one thing. Either man is bad but neither man as bad as georgebush, may Allah strike him hard with idiocy and foolishness in word and deed.
Ruh Ro

The weather is very odd today here in South Texas.
It's warm and windy, with odd shadows and air density that signals trouble.
Meanwhile, the street in front of my house is completely torn up because they are installing new water pipes. My car is literally stranded in the driveway, covered in several days' worth of thick white grit and dust.
The water is turned off for the next several hours. I want to shower, but I can't.
But tomorrow, the skies will likely open up and drench the region. Hurricane Dolly is popping in for a visit to lower South Texas and the TV weather people are chattering like excited crows in anticipation of a change from their daily mantra: "hot and humid."
It's hurricane season.
We should be used to it by now, but after Katrina we know that weather patterns are disturbed and hurricanes can be more lethal than ever before.
We are bracing ourselves for the onslaught of evacuees from the South. The whole bottom of Texas is in the path of the hurricane, and San Antonio is the closest big city inland.
Bottled water, toilet paper and other essentials will start disappearing from grocery store shelves.
We know we can no longer depend on FEMA or the National Guard to help our neighbors to the South--Bush has seen to that.
This hurricane is named Dolly.
I think of Dolly Parton, and she's such a sweet lady.
No, this hurricane should be named George W. Bush-- unpredictable, violent, destructive, godless, nightmarish.
Like Bush, this hurricane won't care whose lives it destroys.

Pray for everyone's safety, please.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Trying to Find a Way to Express Myself

You know, I can only write so much about Bush and the last seven years we've endured under his fascist regime.
Who would have known in 2000 that one could come up with a handful of worst case scenarios and Bush would eventually make them all come true?
Yes it's serious, folks, but I'm a little weary of reiterating, deconstructing and reconstructing what has occurred.
Sometimes it's just better to distill what we know into one catchy little ditty like this:

Thursday, July 17, 2008

We Need a President Who's Fast on His Feet!

Project Runway Season 5

Big Sis Zipdrive and I are much more than just snippy political pundits. We also are harbingers of fashion, able to watch Bravo TV's Project Runway and summarize each episode with the same couture savvy as Nina Garcia, Michael Kors or Tim Gunn.
I offer this rare glimpse into our personal e-mail communications as a service to my readers:


That blonde chick with the dress made from bleached and dyed vacuum cleaner bags was off the chain, that dress looked so good.

But that creepy tanned geek with the diaper dress is just one more loser who'll hang around forever because, "he'll make good TV."
And that grunge chick with the garbage bag dress- was she kidding? I would have braided the bags and woven something rather than just cut holes in a damn bag and stick it on the model. She needed to go, but that geek with the tan's diaper dress was only 1% better.

The blue plastic cup dress was nice too, but so was that Erika Badhu yellow thing with the kale and cherry tomatoes on it. Watch out for that Korto chick- she's very shy and won't make eye contact. She might end up having some kind of breakdown on the show because I can tell already she won't be able to hang with all the faggoty stuff.
The black pretty boy won't last long, either. He's just there because he was a model too broke-ass to buy garments so he had to learn to sew.
Oh, and that chubby older Asian guy's mess with that white shower curtain with the blue hospital hat paper dress--GAG ME. Loved the yellow rubber gloves to go with it. Michael Kors' comments were classic. And even Heidi said it was butt ugly!!! HAHAHAHA!

This looks like it's gonna be a great season...
Auf Wiedersehen!

Big Sis Zipdrive Replies:

Okay, the uppity Asian guy who said the others were using trash and he throws trash away - the actual name wasn't mentioned but the action was. His get-up looked like the outfits Dexter wears when he's slaughtering someone. Tim said it first, but then at last Michael and Heidi finally said it looks like a murderer's outfit!! The yellow rubber gloves and the lavender Kleenex stuck to her body under that Picasso inspired "raincoat", come on Asian guy, wake up! HAHAHA

This bunch must not be very big fans of Runway because a real fan knows that Nina goes apeshit gleeful when someone uses fresh fruits/vegetables in their design. That's why Austin won the very first grocery store challenge. He made his dress of corn husks (altho he didn't know to keep the shucks damp and they sort of curled up over night). But still, the black chick had Nina hook line and sinker with the cut up tomatoes and scraps of lettuce.

Austin Scarlet, what can I say? I wish I knew him and he'd come and redesign our home inside. We love Austin the most.

I think the hottie that made the dress out of blue plastic cups stands a good chance because he thinks like a street person - anything laying around can be made into a design. Like once I saw a street guy with an egg crate bridging his forehead (like a gimme cap) tied with a little rope around his head to create a lovely shade hat. Hot guy thinks like that. And let's face it, that's what the show is all about. Oh, and if he would have put just one little extra thing, like a candy corsage or a baloney roll up belt, as a little extra on the dress, he would have won. The judges like the extra details.

The grungy fake blonde/tanned coke-head (he was sniffing in almost every single scene) is great tv. He's creepy and so drugged up it leaves the audience wondering how his creatively genius mind works. I'm thinking most of American must not have hung out with dopers because that's all he is. Nothing creative or innovative about him, he's just high. The outfit was from hell, especially the "diaper" thing that made Michael scrunch his face up.

The trash bag lady Cher-wannabe will last a while. She got her wake up call so maybe she'll kick in a little, but she won't last long because she's too far down the bag lady path to really be a mainstream designer. When grunge is out, she'll be too.

Other than that, I have no in-depth opinion yet about the other blandies on the show. But I know its going to be a great season!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It's Only Satire

Now that's funny.
Bush's July 15 Press Conference

As a service to Pulp Friction readers, here is the text of Bush's press conference, held earlier today.

My Felow Americans:

Alot of people is worried that the economic prospects of America is bad. But that's not true.
Folks are working, still employed, going to their job every day, drawing their paycheck, putting food in there tables and making there rent checks.
The Democrat Congress has not been gettin' the lead out and forthrightly pushing for economic progress that I have called for. Like alot of many things, the Democrat have been stalling because they hate American progress towards being a winner.
Another thing is banks. People is worried that there banks won't have there money if they might want to get at some of it. But, as my brother Neil will tell you, if you own a bank or a savings and loan and you goof up, the FDIC will bail you out.
So there you go.
But if you have more than $100,000 in a bank you might want to put the extra in another bank on account of the FDIC's limits on them placed there by the Democrat congress.
Banking is real sound and my administer has a good grip on economy banking tough decisions.
What we need is more trade. There is no reason why Columbia can't trade better with us. Those Columbos need our goods like coffee and other grocerys such as shoes and T-shirts and etceteram. Not to mention our fabulous cows and such.
Another thing is we can make alotta progress in our last remaining months as a president unless the Democrat Congress drags it feet and won't do nothing to further progress in such areas as economic, banks and trading.
Also I lifted the executive ban on offshore drilling because of high gas prices being too high. Now the congress must do like I say and lift there's, to. Because its really important to gas price raising, which as you know is gone on too high already.
My legacie will be judged by history but I want to be looked at right now as a guy who really tried to bring world peace and American economy that is good for all Americans and there people.
What I want everyone to do is put there heads to the grindstone and trust in America capitolism to make the things alot better in there prime.
And praying also too is important because Jesus Christ the Savior is an All American guy who really wants us to triumph over evil-doers and make our prosperity higher.
The serge is working really good to, so anyone who said it wasn't was what I call a no-sayer, or also called someone who looks at the good things and says no.
So say yes to progress and say yes to economy growth and say yes to prayer and say yes to the serge is working and do not do what Phil Gramm says and whining. He has a doctors degree in economical things so he knows what hes talking about whining. Which is never a good trate, traite, uhh habit to have.
When you whine the terrorists win.
And we want to stomp out them. And together we will, with Jesuses guide.

God Bless America and, you to.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Not Funny, and Why

Political humor is older than any of us, but to be good it must be intelligent.
This cover takes the dimmest elements of racist hatred and ignorance toward the Obamas and, like a junior high bully, puts it into cartoon form.
I may be smart, but I don't read The New Yorker because I usually find it too haughty and long-winded. Their cartoons are the only part I really like.
But this cartoon is not clever, not original and just plain creepy. It draws on everything about America that is crude, ignorant and dark.
Maybe the Editor thought he could wink and nod with his snooty readership by making fun of the small-mindedness of non-readers. But if that's the case, perhaps it would have been better to share the cartoon via a direct mail piece to subscribers, rather than encouraging cretins all over America to make copies of it and hang it in their cubicles, bars and barbershops.
At any rate, it adds nothing to the political discourse of these times and shows a serious lapse in journalistic judgment.
What's your take on it?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

If We Want to Go From This:

To This:

...then Obama needs to sort out the Black issues he has with his friends and allies.
Now comedian Bernie Mack is on the chopping block for telling a semi naughty joke at an Obama fundraiser.
For God's sake, one of my absolute favorite things about Black people is their collective sense of humor.
There's nothing more fun for me than being the only white girl in a group of Black people, sitting around and talking.
At my last job, I worked in a 10-story bank building. During break time, my Black pals from all over the building used to meet me downstairs and we'd shuck and jive about Bush being such a dumb-ass cracker and so on. It was heaven.
One of my all-time movies was "The Original Kings of Comedy."
I first watched it with a bunch of rich white people, including a very glamorous, older blonde lady who was the widow of a zillionaire bank president.
As we left the host's elegant house, drizzle was falling, so the lady (inspired by the movie's blue language) said, "You motherfuckas better watch your step 'cause it's drizzling like a motherfucka up in here!"
See? Black humor is contagious!

Obama has had more problems with the bro's than he has had with Fox News.
First, his Reverend Wright jibber jabbered his mouth into a major crisis for Obama. Then that was defused.
Then Michelle Obama said that thing about her new-found pride in America. More defusing required.
Then Jesse Jackson was heard muttering about Obama talking down to Black people and "wanting to cut (Obama's) nuts off."
Defuse again.
Now poor Bernie Mack was just doing his thing and several members of the mostly Black audience started tut-tutting him and yelling at him to clean up his act.
Are they kidding? Have they never seen a Black comic perform before?

Hell, man, I think most Black people are cool.
I like Obama's half-Black side. I like that his wife and he fist-bumped and she gave him the 'I-got-your-back' thumbs up afterwards.
I like how Obama gets wound up and starts speechifying with a Southern Black cadence.

But Obama needs to get it straight with his Black allies and tell them to shut the fuck up until he gets in.

Then they can all be as funky as they want.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Look at That Stupid Bastard

No, not McCain, I mean his chief economic advisor Phil Gramm. Yep, Gramm, another hen-eyed, yammering East Texas hick said on Thursday that, "The economy is not in bad shape, Americans are just a bunch of whiners."

Gas is at more than $4 a gallon.
Airlines are going bankrupt.
Unemployment is growing by the week.
The cost of wheat, milk and eggs are skyrocketing.
Mortgages are facing record foreclosures.
The Middle Class is slipping down the polluted river.

But Gramm thinks we're all just whining.
What a fucking turd this guy is. He doesn't worry about what things cost; as a former U.S. Senator from Texas, we can assume he's set for life from all the payola and graft he caged while he was in office.
Phil Gramm has a Ph.D. in economics, so he's called Dr. Phil Gramm.
Obama denounced his blase claim that Americans were just whiners by saying "America already has one Dr. Phil, we don't need another."
Hackneyed pop culture reference aside, McCain replied that Obama was just "being Dr. No."
Dr. Phil? Dr. No?
I wish they'd both quit trying to be witty- it's just not working for either of these stiffs.
McCain went on to distance himself from Gramm's insensitive remarks, yet we should all bear in mind that Gramm has the inside track on being a major player in a McCain presidency.

Aren't you sick of all these GOP retreads their presidential candidates keep dredging up?
How many fucking times must we endure the likes of Gramm and Cheney and Gingrich and Rumsfeld and the rest of these crusty old bozos who all peaked in the 80's?

As a Texan, I warned all of you about Bush way before he became the president and I was right.
Well, hear me now and believe me later: Phil Gramm is a crooked, lying prick. His nasal voice and cornpone accent are enough to trigger mass fist fights. He's arrogant, a know-it-all and, like most Republicans, totally clueless about the average American taxpayer.

He's Doctor No Fucking Way.
Oh, Jesse!

It seems the Rev. Jesse Jackson was caught backstage before a Fox News interview saying to Fox host, Whitey McOreo, that "Obama was talking down to black people...I want to cut his nuts off."


Another Reverend Wright issue?
Nope, not this time.
You see, a lot of white folks can barely tolerate black people, especially the likes of Rev. Jackson.
When Jackson was overheard saying he wanted to castrate Obama, rather than turn off racially picky white voters, I think it'll do the opposite.
Jackson apologized profusely. Obama accepted his apology.
But the die was cast.
Score one for Obama's camp.
The Vote on the FISA Bill in Seven Words

Obama: Aye
Clinton: Nay
McCain: Not present.

Talk among yourselves.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Guest Blogger:
My Big Sis Weighs in on Faith-Based Initiatives

With Obama's recent announcement that he plans to continue a form of Bush's Faith Based Initiatives, I for one thought he was pandering. My sister's point of view has made me rethink that.
As an Austin-based attorney who works with victims, she offers this unique perspective:

Now, don't get excited, but I happen to support this program. I know Bush only started it to suck up to religious nuts and get votes, but that was typical Bush doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
In my office, we deal with a lot of victims of human trafficking.
The things I've seen done to children and women are unspeakably horrid.
Before the FBCI thing, the only bunch that paid to totally care for victims of human trafficking (until state and federal assistance kicked in) was the Catholic Diocese of Texas, and occasionally some Lutheran churches.
For example, a few years ago 15 barely teenage girls were kidnapped from Mexico and forced into prostitution in the Dallas area.
When they finally were rescued, before the state or feds would pay for their food, shelter, clothing, medical care, etc., the victims had to wait to be "certified" as refugees.
This is a long process, and in the meantime the poor victims were in limbo between being deported and being out in the streets.
A Catholic church out of Dallas stepped in immediately and brought the parents to the U.S. to be with their kids, housed, fed and clothed them all and made sure they got medical care.
Everything was fine once the government aid kicked in, but that took almost 6 months. The Church even paid to enroll the kids in school and made sure they had books and supplies.
The churches were never repaid by the government, either.
That type of assistance was being offered mostly by churches and local charitable organizations all over the country.
As Bush pulled back government assistance (he canceled Head Start, for God's sake!), a lot of the churches and local groups stepped in and filled the void because they knew they couldn't count on our government to help.
I don't know how it happened, but Bush passed the Initiative and its been good for faith-based AND community services.
The money can't be used to build churches or for payroll, and churches can't force anyone to join in their religious activities, including worship services.
Those funds have to go to help the needy, and I've seen it work many, many times.
I capitalized the word AND above because its not just for faith-based organizations, it's also for neighborhood and community services, like after school care and feeding and caring for the elderly and sick.

What Obama is saying is that its a good program but it needs to be better. With federal funding, locals can look after their own without having to wait for stupid Washington D.C. to come to the rescue.
We need it.

From KZ:
The photo is of my doggy niece Dixi being blessed by an Austin priest. She's not very religious but she said the blessing was "just in case."

Monday, July 07, 2008


About the only thing great about summer in Texas is the bounty of fresh cherries available in every grocery store.
They aren't grown in Texas but we are close enough to the states that do grow them to be able to buy them sometimes as low as $2.99 a pound.
Grocery stores use this trick where they load a plastic bag with about 2.5 pounds of cherries, hoping people will think that giant bag is only one pound.
Ha! I don't care, I heft the entire bag into my cart and pay whatever they want.

Cherries are good for you!

Nutritional Highlights:
Cherries (with pits) (sweet, raw), 1 cup (117g)
Calories: 84
Protein: 1.4g
Carbohydrate: 19.3g
Total Fat: 1.12g
Fiber: 2.7g
*Excellent source of: Vitamin C (8.2mg)

*Foods that are an “excellent source” of a particular nutrient provide 20 percent or more of the Recommended Daily Value, based upon United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) guidelines.

Can you believe they are that low in calories?
Who cares if eating too many of them results in frequent trips to the bathroom? I like a spotlessly clean colon!

Though my all time favorite fruit is the deluxe Rainier cherry with it's yellow skin and rosy red cheeks (they look like tiny plump butts), fresh Bing cherries come in a close second.

Seeing a big bowl of cherries in my fridge makes me smile like a happy chimpanzee.


Sunday, July 06, 2008

Meet Sophie, Our 4th of July Mascot...

Sophie is my brother's pit bull. She's very sweet and loyal, but at night she becomes a watchdog and protector extraordinaire. More on her later.
My 4th of July family get-together was just lovely.
By now, my siblings, their partners and I know just what we like, so we've managed to pare holiday visits down to a science.
We got to my brother's lake house--so far out in the sticks the road actually ends and the final 1,000 feet is a dirt road.
We arrived at 1 p.m. and lunch was ready. No sitting around for us- we arrive and expect to eat.
Big Bro is a master griller. Everything he grills or smokes turns to culinary magic. Bobby Flay would bow at his feet.
We wanted babyback ribs and we got 'em.
Besides the potato salad and corn on the cob, Bro made a rack of ribs for each of us.
That's right, 17 inches of meaty, smokey babybacks per person.
"Uhh, Bill, I think a half a rack will do for me," I said, thinking I'd polish them off and go back for my second half later. Nope, these babies were so meaty and rich we were all too stuffed to even finish our corn.
After lunch we piled in their new Yaris up the road to where they keep their horse and donkey. Two miniature donkeys- brothers- live adjacent to them. They reminded me of Big Sis and me; one was neat and tidy like her and the other one was a little disheveled. Go figure.
We figured they'd all love our corn.
Calley the horse wasn't interested, but the donkeys loved it. They ate it like humans do, biting it off the cob section by section. Who knew donkeys were so freakin' dainty?
I was in charge of bringing munitions. They wanted fireworks down by the lake, and knowing they'd spare no expense on food and drink, I was determined to buy a nice selection.
At a little stand outside of Blanco, I encountered a beautiful woman behind the counter with her adorable son and nephew, both about 10. Her nephew was very sweet and he led me through the expected performance of each explosive like a patient salesman.
I asked for a volume discount and the lady promptly agreed.
At my family's request, I didn't piss away my money on baby stuff like sparklers or firecrackers--I went strictly for the Big Mamas. But then at the end, I had them throw in a little three-inch chicken with a fuse in her butt. We all love chickens, you see.
So at dark, we piled in the bed of Big Bro's truck and took the treacherous drive down to the lakeside.
The sky was clear and glistening with stars.
We scouted around for a launch pad and settled on the bottom of an extremely steep boat launch, paved with nubbly concrete that hurt like hell to sit on. But there we sat, waiting for Big Bro to run up and down the hill to light the fireworks.
Oh, my.
I wasn't expecting those giant chrysanthemum explosions one sees at public fireworks shows, but that's what we got.
Teens across the inlet would shoot off their modest roman candles and we'd reply with a stick of sparkly dynamite that lit the entire sky. It was fabulous, except for one thing...
It seems Sophie the dog watches Bill like a hawk and when he runs, Sophie races toward him to investigate.
By the same token, she is intrigued by the ground sparks that large fireworks tend to give off, so we constantly had to yell at her to get away from the launch pad. And I mean constantly.
Anyway, our personal fireworks show lasted about an hour and we all were well pleased.
Lingering on the steep loading launch, I held up the little chicken and said, "Hey, Big Sis, you wanna see the chicken shoot sparks out of her butt?"
"Hell yes," she replied.
So we lit it, not expecting Sophie to run up as it started to whistle and shoot sparks.
She quickly grabbed it up in her mouth and held it as sparks shot out the side. We were panicking and moving in slow motion, hoping it didn't end in a loud bang.
Once the chicken quit shooting sparks and whistling, Sophie merely dropped it, then trotted down to the water and had herself a little drink. She was fine. We were relieved.
As we made our way back to the house, I was very proud of myself for making such spactacular firework selections. Fishing for compliments, I asked the group, "Which was your favorite firework?"
They all replied in unison, "The chicken Sophie had in her mouth."
Forget the 96-shot, three pound, grand finale unit that lit the skies for a full two minutes. Nope, my goofy family liked The Chicken n' Sophie Show best of all.
I checked her mouth carefully the next morning. There was no sign at all that she'd gobbled up an explosive the night before. My brother chuckled and said, "I bet she won't be doing that again."
I guess dogs are raised differently in the country.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Happy 4th!

I was conceived on the 4th of July!
Mama told me she and dad were on the beach in Baja California drinking screwdrivers, and I guess the fireworks inspired them.
This year I plan to drive up to my brother's house, a sweet little 2 story cabin he built with his own hands, right on Lake Travis.
We'll be meeting up with Big Sis and her partner My Sharona to go boating, then Big Bro is going to grill up six racks of babybacks and roast some corn of the cob, with all the other fixins' that go with it.
I'm in charge of munitions.
None of those pissy sparklers and Black Cats for us, I'm planning on buying an arsenal of weapons-grade Big Girl explosives one can see from miles away.
It finally rained yesterday--a huge downpour that dampened the straw which is my front lawn. Now at least I can leave town without fearing the hoodlum neighbors will catch my house on fire.
Still, I think it's a lot safer to set off fireworks over the lake. It's hard to catch a lake on fire, unless of course you're in Jersey or somewhere like that.
There's a complete fireworks ban in my county because of recent drought conditions. I asked Big Bro if his county had such an ordinance and he said, "The only law here is, 'don't catch the woods on fire.'"
I hope your 4th of July goes well.
I know mine will.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Thanks for the Nomination, Suckers!

You know, if people would have just listened to me and taken my word for it from the get-go, we could have avoided a lot of disappointment and bullshit from this new version of Barack "say anything" Obama.
You see, Obama is rapidly trying to out-pander Hillary Clinton now that he's cinched the Democratic nomination.
First, he got behind our disappointing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her pet chihuahua Steny Hoyer and voted to let AT&T and other telecommunications giants off the civil suit hook for their participation in illegally spying on average Americans.
Now he's talking about wanting to emulate George W. Bush's phony "Faith Based Initiative" program. What fucking gall.
See, he wants to kill two birds with one stone here.
1. He wants to appeal to right-wingnut evangelical Christian voters by pretending to give a shit about what they have to say.
2. He wants to make sure everyone knows he's not only a Christian, but a bat-shit extremist Christian who's willing to manipulate language in order to give the secret message that by "faith-based" he means Christian based.
Frankly, I don't give a shit that his naive little whippersnapper Gen X, Y and Z fans are being more disappointed by the day with his pandering. They never bothered to look beyond the cool, skinny guy who promised a lot of ch-ch-ch-changes, so they deserve no sympathy.
But I do feel sorry for my contemporaries, whose wisdom and political savvy was temporarily blinded by Obama's shiny promises of a brighter day a comin'.
Obama's magnificent team of advisers who helped propel him to victory have apparently been replaced by the same old crusty political junkies who are telling him that he's got ta- got ta- got ta start changing his liberal stripes so the fossils in the middle and right will vote for him. As if!
Nope, by pandering to the crusties, what he's doing is sending his base back to their dorms where they'll return to playing Guitar Hero, texting their BFFs and not voting.
He thinks he can screw his early supporters without suffering any penalties, while at the same time trying to shine the shoes of voters who'd rather die than vote for a Black Democrat.

Yep, he's actually trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Hillary could have won the presidency because she appealed to both sides. We all knew from the start she was hiding her innate liberal side in order to appeal to the middle and right. Her record reflects her liberal side, and so does her husband's presidential record.

But nooooooooo, too many Democrats threw the dice and bet on the cool, skinny guy--just assuming he'd stay true to his base and do the right thing.

I'm still voting for him because ANY Democrat would be better than McCain't. But I've never had illusions about Obama being any different from the average flip-flopping, pandering politician.

If he wins, I hope he enjoys his one term. Then we can vote for Hillary and get this fucking show back on the road.