Sunday, February 07, 2010

**EXCLUSIVE SCOOP**



Pulp Friction's newest crack reporter, on loan from DistributorCap NY, has unearthed the secret journal of newly seated Senator Scott Brown!


Scottie Brown here--the new standard bearer for Ted and Jack Kennedy's Senate seat.
It is my first week in Washington and boy is this place hard to navigate.
The subway is confusing - I don't think it stops near any good bookstores.
And remember Mark Foley - well he told me ever since Larry Craig left there is no one on the Hill that has a list of the best men's rooms around town.
With all the corporate money I am going to get, maybe that is a good first project for me. I did get a box of Pampers from Vitter and some bronzing spray from Boner (his note said tan lines are so New England).

Rumor has it that our leaders - Beck and Limbaugh -want me to meet and "get to like" (if you know what I mean) Sarah Palin. They say we'll make the perfect Ken and Barbie ticket. Problem, while I know I have genitalia, I wonder if Sarah has any. Todd looks a little frazzled all the time lately (maybe he knows which is a better airport bathroom to meet Taylor Lautner - Dulles or Reagan National?). Before I even meet Sarah, Rush has to know that I will play second fiddle to some moronic skirt - unless he stocks my C Street room with Dominican boys and Viagra - then I'll gladly consider being on the bottom (har har, if you what I mean - wink wink). I meant bottom of the ticket.

By the way, that Martha Coakley was no MILF like Sarah. I bet she couldn't even get Vitter to do her in his diaper. No wonder I won - all I had to do was show a few pubes - and voila - instant victory. I wanted to show the full monty - but Rove and Jonah Goldberg (my double super secret campaign managers) said they wanted to win. Besides, Levi didn't show his and look how far he has gotten (then again I bet there is no comparison to me!).

You know, that Adam Schock is pretty hot.

And this week I get to have my official Senate picture taken. If Everett Dirksen can show his wiener, so can I. I plan on keeping the fans apprised of my progress here in DC. This is gonna be one giant pahty (Sounds just like Hahvahd Yahd).


P.S. Last time I got a hummer in the car, I didn't drive off a bridge.

10 comments:

Distributorcap said...

i love guest blogging

Karen Zipdrive said...

I think you knocked it out of the park on your very first investigative assignment. Who knew this Scott Brown guy would be such a conceited queen?

Fran said...

"Ted Kennedy must be drinking in his grave".

How the hell did this happen?

This jerk campaigned on the promise of defeating health care & defending Wall Street bonus money?

Fran said...

I knew that this would be revealed today. I am reminded of the old Bobby Goldsboro song, "Watching Scotty Grow..."

Eew. I made myself sick with that one, even if it is funny.

amusethemuse said...

The Cosmo photo retoucher forgot about fixin' Brown's left hand. Notice how small it is.

Lulu Maude said...

Nothin' puts a paunch on you like a term or two in DC.

bigsis said...

I have to admit I'm surprised because the way he talks about and poses with his scantily clad daughters I figured him for a pedophile. So the daughters must be his beards, okay I get that and I guess its a relief. The whole thing is so disturbing either way.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Very disturbing.
If he's actually straight, I'll bet my left leg he's a bigger cheater than John Edwards ever thought about being.

nonnie9999 said...

i think he's monosexual. he gets off by looking at his own 30-year-old nekkid pic. by the way, the first thing he did after getting sworn in was to go to a bar. he needs to get a staff put together and learn his job, but he chose to go out and drink. that's tell you everything you need to know about little scotty.

dguzman said...

Holy shit, all this is real?