Monday, June 30, 2008

Bush's Fourth of July Speech

Now that he's on a roll writing his own speeches, the crack team of Pulp Friction investigative reporters has obtained a draft of his upcoming fourth of July speech:

My felow Americans:

Today marks the fourth of July, a time in our histery when Americans and foreigners alike celebrate being Americans with fireworks, various meat, potatoe salad, pork n' beans, and the works.
But it is also the fourth of July in Iraq, where our fabulous militerry will join hands with our Iraqi alleys and point there guns at the terrorists in salute to letting freedom reign.
Laura and I will be haveing a fabulous fourth of July with our familys. My mother is making her famous spiked fruit salad, Jenna and Henry will be bring there special brownies, not-Jenna is unable to attend, and Laura will be baking cookies from a recipee that she got from Cindy McCane.
Condi will be here to, but she's just bringing the ice since she doesnt cook. Or maybe the watermelon! HA HA HA!
But lets not forget the real message of the fourth of July. It is when Jesus came back to life to tell President Ben Franklin that America is a For-Jesus country and we should also too be nice to Jews and other foreigners even though they killed Him.
But we also too should be greatfull that the serge is working and only a handfull of Americans is getting killed each day.
In many ways I envy them because being killed during duty is really a fabulous, romantic way to go if you have to.
But really, the fourth of July is not a sad day, for it is a day in which we join the whole wide world in celebrating that America is the best country in the world.
Now let us pray:
Heavenly Jesus, We thank thou for thee bounty that thou hast bestowed on top of us, from sea to shiny sea. We pray that thine will continue to speak to me in my dreams and lead us to victory at any cost in Iran. I mean Iraq.
And we also ask thou to place food and shelter upon our familys and make there pies higher.


Dusty said...

Sweet fucking Jesus in a speedo.

That is magnificent.

Dusty said...

sea to shiny sea--Touche!

Distributorcap said...

the best - maybe bush should hire you!

you did forget to mention that he should be telling us to celebrate his 62nd birthday. which is july 6th -- a day that will live in infamy. dont you wish GHWB pulled out on oct 6th the previous year

FranIAm said...

You are on one fucking roll sister- brilyent.

I mean brilliant!

karenzipdrive said...

D-Cap, yes I do wish Bush 41 and his mother-uhh wife- would have reconsidered their decision to breed. I think all of the Bush kids have varying degrees of fetal alcohol syndrome, especially George W.
One look at his goofy facial expressions and ticcy mannerisms tells us something is off with his central nervous system.

dguzman said...

Holy shit, Karen--this is bloggy gold, sister. Pure bloggy gold.