Saturday, March 20, 2010

Just Another Friday

When I went out to get the mail yesterday, on my porch step was a Fed Ex letter.
I collected the mail from the box, then came inside and turned to the Fed Ex envelope and ripped it open.
It contained a single sheet of paper, with a Judge Mathis letterhead at the top.
It said,
Dear Karen,
By now you are probably aware that someone is suing you. Small claims lawsuits are a matter of public record and we found your case when researching lawsuits filed in your area...

The letter went on to say I was invited to appear on the Judge Mathis show in Chicago if the plaintiff agreed to have the case adjudicated on his court room TV show.
Even if I lost, the letter said, they would pay the plaintiff, plus my airfare to Chicago and all hotel costs.
There was a producer's name and number at the bottom of the letter.

Actually, I did not know that anyone was suing me, but when I thought of who would be that obnoxious, it came to me that it had to be this crazy bitch I know, and the suit was based on some minor, pure drama-queen bullshit.

So I called the producer in Chicago and said, "Let me guess, is the plaintiff Polly Pothead? (the name has been changed to protect the guilty)
"Yes it is," the producer replied.
So I went on to tell her what a mean-spirited, delusional nut case this broad was, and how she made Cheech and Chong seem like a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Within 3 minutes, the producer and I were howling with laughter, and I said I'd love to have Judge Mathis try the case, just so I could make Polly look exactly like the pissy little spacecase she was.
Besides, who wouldn't want a free trip to Chicago to do some stand-up comedy on a nationally syndicated TV show?
Anyway, the producer told me she'd call Polly to invite her to the show in Chicago.
I told her there was no way she'd agree to it, because (a) she knew it was a full of shit case and (b) no way could she fly to Chicago without her customary supply of 6 enormous reefers a day.
I didn't hear back from the producer, so now I guess I'll just have to take my piles of exculpatory evidence to small claims court and beat her on our own turf.
How annoying.
It would have been such fun to make Judge Mathis laugh his ass off at my litigious, punchy ex-friend.
Oh, well. Maybe Judge Judy's people will be calling next.


Fran said...

You on Judge Mathis! I would have loved this... it still could happen, right?

Karen Zipdrive said...

It's doubtful. I was serious when I said the dingbat couldn't exist without her daily quantity of weed and she's too paranoid to risk smuggling it onto a plane.

Sherry Peyton said...

I utterly detest these shows but would have loved to see this one! Oh drat. It would have been so fun!

bigsis said...

My offer to Polly Pothead stands - I'll give her an extra $300 cash if she'll be on the show with Zip. And I'll throw in an extra $100 if Wanda Witness shows up and testifies.

Zip, send me Polly's phone number, I'll call and BEG her.

dguzman said...

Wow, that would've been your big break! If only Polly had gone for it, you'd have had your own show within a month! Then it would've been "look out, Ellen! Here comes ZIP!"

Fran said...

Oh, I want to up the ante for Polly Pothead to appear!!

Lulu Maude said...

Can't the show find a dealer to keep her supplied in the Windy City? I would make it a point to be near a TV when your case aired.

Karen Zipdrive said...

I'm pretty sure Judge Mathis would frown upon his producers setting up guests with herbal remedies.
Besides, I've decided to put an end to this idiot's drama and just give her what she wants.
The best way to ruin someone's appetite for hystrionics is to respond rationally, without further engagement.

nonnie9999 said...

damn! i was all ready to program my dvr so i wouldn't miss it! i would pay to see that. can one of us pretend to be polly and the rest witnesses so we can all meet in chicago?

i wondered how they got cases for the tv judges. i guess they just sift through cases all over the place until they find something they think will be interesting.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Not having seen the contents of the suit, it can't have been that interesting--unless she lied her ass off.
Something caught the producer's eye, and judging from the typical guests in Judge Mathis's courtroom, it must have been pretty trashy.

JimBob said...

this is too friggin' hilarious! i'd have flown to chicago to sit in the audience to see this!

i have some friends in st.louis who could take care of the plaintiff's herbal needs, if she changes her mind. LOL

u gonna post a jpg of the letter from judge mathis, inc? i'd love to see it.

bigsis said...

I had the same thoughts that Lulu and nonnie voiced. And I haven't given up.

Let's assume the show focuses on small claims pro se cases in Texas because that's where the nuttiest of the nuts can be found.

If we could get a peek at Polly's lawsuit perhaps someone could be persuaded to use the same language to file another small claims lawsuit against Zip. If it worked out, Zip's followers could probably get a hell of a deal on group airfare and the entire floor of a Chicago Hotel.

On a more mature note, I'm proud of Zip for being a bigger person than Polly in this situation. But Zip, can you wait just a couple of days before resolving this so we can make sure Polly actually turned down the offer?


Karen Zipdrive said...

As tempting as it is to wait until I'm served, I plan to put all this behind me tomorrow.
I know it's hilarious as hell, but the idea that a friend I've known for more than 20 years would rather sue me than discuss a win/win solution to this bullshit has really put a dent in my serenity.
Tell you what, though.
I may write a pretend Judge Mathis trial about how I think it would have gone.

JimBob said...

be sure that in your imaginary trial, the plaintiff accidentally uses an offensive ethnic slur.

"uh, wait, your honor...i didn't mean that. um, it's just that i'm so HIGH right now, you know..."

Lulu Maude said...

That's a good idea, this last. Maybe you could use Sarah Palin as Polly's attorney. I know she isn't an attorney, but seein' as how she can do anything she sets her mind to, I'm sure that she could go through the motions.

Still, there are all those drug dealers in Chicago, and what with the recession and all, I'm sure that Judge Joe would be willing to look the other way while we put together a little business...

And taking an entire hotel floor in Chicago would be a blast. We could hang around till Saturday and go to 'Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me' to wash out our ears.

Distributorcap said...

maybe you could have also done Oprah while in Chicago