Just Another Friday
When I went out to get the mail yesterday, on my porch step was a Fed Ex letter.
I collected the mail from the box, then came inside and turned to the Fed Ex envelope and ripped it open.
It contained a single sheet of paper, with a Judge Mathis letterhead at the top.
By now you are probably aware that someone is suing you. Small claims lawsuits are a matter of public record and we found your case when researching lawsuits filed in your area...
The letter went on to say I was invited to appear on the Judge Mathis show in Chicago if the plaintiff agreed to have the case adjudicated on his court room TV show.
Even if I lost, the letter said, they would pay the plaintiff, plus my airfare to Chicago and all hotel costs.
There was a producer's name and number at the bottom of the letter.
Actually, I did not know that anyone was suing me, but when I thought of who would be that obnoxious, it came to me that it had to be this crazy bitch I know, and the suit was based on some minor, pure drama-queen bullshit.
So I called the producer in Chicago and said, "Let me guess, is the plaintiff Polly Pothead? (the name has been changed to protect the guilty)
"Yes it is," the producer replied.
So I went on to tell her what a mean-spirited, delusional nut case this broad was, and how she made Cheech and Chong seem like a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Within 3 minutes, the producer and I were howling with laughter, and I said I'd love to have Judge Mathis try the case, just so I could make Polly look exactly like the pissy little spacecase she was.
Besides, who wouldn't want a free trip to Chicago to do some stand-up comedy on a nationally syndicated TV show?
Anyway, the producer told me she'd call Polly to invite her to the show in Chicago.
I told her there was no way she'd agree to it, because (a) she knew it was a full of shit case and (b) no way could she fly to Chicago without her customary supply of 6 enormous reefers a day.
I didn't hear back from the producer, so now I guess I'll just have to take my piles of exculpatory evidence to small claims court and beat her on our own turf.
It would have been such fun to make Judge Mathis laugh his ass off at my litigious, punchy ex-friend.
Oh, well. Maybe Judge Judy's people will be calling next.