The trouble with being an all-inclusive lesbian is I have straight friends who have things like baby showers.
The trouble with having career oriented straight women friends is they wait forever to have or adopt babies, and at my age I am still attending baby showers.
Today's baby shower is for my friend Cynthia, who's a psychology professor at a local university. She traveled all the way to China to get her new baby, Maya.
The last baby shower was for Eleanor. I made a baby carriage out of a watermelon and filled it with all kinds of fruits. I bought a little outfit and a card for the baby. Alas, I showed up at Anna's looking like Nick Nolte in his DUI mugshot, so Anna kindly excused me from the melee.
That plan won't work this time. This shower is at 5 p.m. so there'll be no excuse not to get gussied up and go.
My girlfriend declined my invitation to attend the shower with me. I believe she used the delicate term, "no fucking way."
Then she tried to send me to Babies R Us to get the gift. Alone. She wouldn't even let me borrow her 9-year-old daughter Emma to take with me.
Oh, sure. Like the shower won't be enough, she thinks I'll drive to the suburbs all by myself to mingle with the gaga googoo set to buy the gift.
Luckily, my friend the other Cynthia is hosting this shower. That means her cool husband Ruben and her cool brother Robert will be there. That means wine, and maybe even cigars.
So, as we play baby bottle bingo and pin the tail on the stork, at least I'll have copped a nice buzz.