Saturday, April 10, 2004

Survivor: A Rare, Weekend Update

Note to Eclair: Please don't read this until after you see the tape.
No, really. Stop right there. Okay then, be that way.

With nine All Stars left, the million buck prize is starting to sizzle
in the pan...

We open on a long shot of Kathy and Shii Ann walking the old Chapera beach, then to Amba, ambling alone further up the beach, then to Lex who's maniacally chopping wood while he delivers a soliloquy.
"To Rob or not to Rob, whether t'would've been nobler to vote Amber off and suffer the slings and arrows of Rob, or to vote away Jerri and suffer not, for she was skank..."(cut to overhead shot: a lone shark, swimming thru the calm sea waters-- also know as: foreshadowing for dummies)

On to Camp Mogo Mogo:
All is somber, all are assuming Amber has gone. Rob trips over rocks, so sullen is he, his grief prompts Big Tom to compare him to a forlorn calf, newly weaned off his mama's titty and requiring three days to overcome the shock. Such rural, masculine tenderness.
Cut to Rob and Alicia making a solemn oath of alliance, she on her esteemed honor, he on his invisible alliance Etch a Sketch.
Rob looks her in the eye and opines, "I gotta mock on my back, and I gotta watch over both showldahs at the same time." She nods, gravely.

Challenge time!
The neo-Mogos collect on the beach, and as the music swells, so do Rob's swim trunks as he seems Amba ambling in with the neo-Chaperas. Cut to Lex, panting and poised like a Rat Terrier, eyeing Rob for his expected treat. Rob looks back with little slitty eyes: Uh oh, Lex, not a good omen.
Reward challenge goes to Rupert, who gets to select two pals to accompany him on a helicopter ride to a fancy resort for the rest of that day and night. No fool, he selects Amba and Jenna.
Of course, I'd have gone for Kathy and Alicia, hoping at least one of them had some kind of lesbian mojo going on, but I digress.
During the reward footage, frankly we were gypped by not seeing the feast they got. We saw massages, hair combing, lipstick being applied and wine being served, but no food. Why bother showing us Rupert getting his first fancy reward and denying us the pleasure of seeing him eat like a Neanderthal? Besides, he's down to a skimpy size 38 or 40 pants now, and he's starting to look kind of svelte, like when Luther Vandross dropped all that weight and went kind of weird on us.
I say: Three people in life need to stay fat: Oprah, Luther and Rupert, otherwise it's not normal, damn it. Anyway, Rupert, Jenna and Amber struck one of those iron clad alliances at the dinner table. At the time, Amber's nostrils were flaring and she had her fingers, arms, legs and eyes crossed, but naive Rupe and permanently goofy Jenna must have missed it.

On to the Merge!
As Jeff Probst approached, Big Tom greeted him. "Hey, Jeffro Bodine!" he said.
Jeff ignored the Beverly Hillbillian reference, much to his credit.
So the tribes merged and called themselves, "Cha-boga-mogo," which if you say it right sounds like it would fit the tune to "La Macarana."
Fortunately, the castaways didn't catch the same syllabic coincidence and we were spared Tom's version of the hackneyed Latin dance. Anyway...
Cut to Lex, pressed against Rob's unyielding torso. "Tell me I'm safe," he whimpers.
Rob snake-eyes him, then escapes, laughingly eyeing the camera. "You didn't really believe what I told him, didja?" Cut to Rob and Amba on a rock, with romantic music wafting through the sea breeze.

"When I seen you, I was like, so happy," Rob croons. "Now we gotta get ridda Lex."
Amber, forgetting her restaurant oath the night before, said, "Why not Jenna or Rupert?"
Rob, intolerant of contradictory sass from his Betagirl, says, "Don't go soft on me, Amba."
Amber missed the chance to motion to the permawood in his pants and say, "No worry of you goin' there on me, ey, Mistah?"

Immunity challenge:
Two necklaces up for grabs, his n' hers.
Rob beats Lex in the finals and gets one. Kathy beats Amber in the finals and gets one.
Uh, oh. Rob walks up to Lex and Kathy. Rob says to Lex he hopes it doesn't spoil their friendship, but he plans to fuck him over at tribal council, and everyone is behind him on it.
Lex objects strenuously, between spoonsful of rice. Kathy is outraged by Rob's betrayal.
She starts to cry. Some women are beautiful when they cry. Alas, Kathy does that ugly crying, where her face gets blotchy red, her nose swells and she starts to look like Joe Cocker, mid-seizure.She tells Lex she will give up her immunity necklace to him. Lex says, "No, no, no, no, no, sweetheart you earned it," but hugs her with a big thank you hug.
Kathy says, "But I can go make a million dollars somewhere else." Camera operators, jungle animals and the home audience all start to giggle.

Tribal Council.
Jeff: "Rob, do you want to give up immunity?" Rob nods no.
"Kathy, do you?"
Lex looks toward her, expectantly.
Kathy: "I thought about it but, I'm keepin' it."
Lex's eyes cut to Rob, daggers form.
Then the rain starts to fall, hard.
Rob looks back at Lex and speaks: "Uhh, yeah I wanna say sumphin. If I'm yer friend, I'm yer friend, and if you don't wanna have nuthin' to do with me afta this, well I can't do anythin' about that."
Jeff eyes the group and says he wants to hug everyone they look so sad.
The vote?
Lex and Kathy vote for Amber.
The rest lampoon Lex. HE'S OUT.
The rain stops.

Next week? Kathy is seen with Tom, Shii Ann and Rupert. We hear her say she wants Jenna OUT. Camera cuts to Rob perched on a rock, chuckling over the muddle. His arrogance has become as permanent as his big erec...
Nah, too easy.

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