Survivor Palau: The Definitive Guide
Tonight marks the premiere of Survivor Palau, where 20 new castaways have been dumped on a deserted island with no help of any kind.
This premiere is said to be so intense, three castaways will go home before this night is over. Wimps.
The castaways are given almost no instructions, some get lost, and two don't even make it past the first challenge.
Based on photos and scanty biographical details, here's my early take on the castaways:
Angie, 24, bartender, New Orleans: I bet on her to be the resident nutjob. Her many tattoos and goofy crooked bangs say lunatic to me. Aries. Yep, a lunatic all right.
Ashlee, 22, student, South Carolina: another token thin/youngSouthernBelle. Zzzzz. A Mormon Taurus. Zzzz...can you say Neleh?
Bobby Jon, 27, waiter, Alabama: From the photo, he could be gay or someone from Dukes of Hazzard central casting. Hard to tell with those Southern boys. Another Taurus.
Caryn, 46, attorney, Ohio: Well, she spells her name wrong, so we know she seeks attention. She's a lawyer, so we know she can argue. She's from Ohio- the state that brings us Crazy Tracy and Mike Zellers- but also the state that brought us four more years of Dubya. Hard to tell about her this early in the game. She's a Leo.
Coby, 32, hairstylist, Athens, Texas: Gotta be gay! He's a Virgo, which makes him even more gay.
Gregg, 28, consultant, Chicago: Wow, he's a handsome one. But what does he mean by consultant? That sounds to me like a made-up job. What can someone consult on at that tender age, skateboarding? Hmmm. I smell a playa.
A Capricorn playa.
Ian, 23, dolphin trainer, Florida: Whoa, like, this dude looks totally awesome in a sunshiny kinda way, man. I hope nobody harshes his mellow, dude. Another Virgo, making him possibly gay.
Ibrehem, 23, waiter, Birmingham, Alabama: A sweet faced, bald, young black guy. With a name like that, I fear he'll be quoting a lot of the gospel during hard times. Let's pray he doesn't. But he's a Pisces, so he might also be gay, or at the very least, on the downlow.
James, 33, steelworker, Mobile, Alabama: Big dumb butch, anyone? Bet he's a big NASCAR fan. He's a Cancer, so we can expect him to be horny, moody and have foot issues.
Janu, 39, Vegas Showgirl: Gulp. To still be a showgirl at that age, she's either tough as nails or has bad, bad foot pain. Don't know her sign but she's Cuban and likes to drink. She has big hair, so she might also be insane.
Jeff, 21, personal trainer, Ventura CA: Do all white men who do personal training have to look like Oprah's PT? He's an Aquarius, so that tells us nothing.
Jennifer, 32, nanny, Encino, CA: She's pretty and has a decent education. She's gonna be one to watch, I think. She's a Pisces- either sweet like a goldfish or mean like a barracuda. Or both.
Jolanda, 39, lawyer, Houston: Uh oh. A black Texas lawyer lady. Ker-ack that whip! Even her eyebrows say "ballbuster." Scorpio. Better watch your nutsacs, boys.
Jonathan, 23, sales and marketing, Dallas: Young and pretty, probably sells shirts and slacks at Neiman's. Lightweight? Probably. Just got over testicular cancer, Ouch. Another Virgo... he may be gay.
Katie, 29, advertising, Merced, CA: Perky blonde. Says she's funny. We'll see about that. Gemini. Uh oh.
Kimberly, 25, grad student, Ohio: Watch this one, I have a hunch she's gonna be tougher than she looks. She's an Aries-those chicks are fearless.
Stephenie, 25, pharmaceutical sales, Philly: Yes, she spells her name that way. She's Italian, she's hot and she's connected. Look out for this Sagittarius, she eats little men for breakfast.
Tom, 41, Brooklyn firefighter: Another NY fireman? We'll see how tough that makes him. Capricorn.
Wanda, 55, English teacher, Ulysses, PA: The token old battle-ax. I imagine Lil, without the boy scout uniform. Virgo makes her a particularly fussy fussbudget.
Willard, 57, Lawyer, Bellevue, WA: Token old geezer. He won't last, at his age, Sagittarius men aren't so active anymore.
With all that information, you simply must join this season's Pulp Friction Survivor Review committee. Are you in? Talk to me!