Sunday, August 14, 2005

A True Story That Made Me Laugh For Days

I have a good friend I'll call Whitney.
No, not THAT Whitney, this is an upper middle class Caucasian woman I am calling Whitney.
Until recently, Whitney was married to a successful dentist whom I'll call Dick.
Whitney and Dick had a pretty good marriage until Dick hit age 48 or so and started male menopause.
As part of his male menopause, Dick started attending meetings of one of those cults where they talk about how everyone at the meeting is great and has even greater potential, limited only by how much members are willing to pay to be programmed for said greatness.

Long story short, Dick, who is sort of a goofy looking but well-to-do introvert, began to feel so great about himself, he started going to modern dance classes, taking tango lessons and other sissified classes where he could prance around, feeling young and free again.
Whitney, meanwhile, was busy setting up a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping the sick and needy in third world countries.

Predictably, they started to drift apart, mostly because Dick fell in love with his fox trot teacher, Guadalupe, a spicy, heavily made-up Latina woman 12 years his junior, with a couple of kids and living with her mama in a modest little house.
Now Dick and Whitney are divorced.
They are on civil terms, primarily because Whitney is a kind person, so kind, she politely declined my offer to go over and kick Dick in his unfaithful balls.
Dick is now openly romancing Guadalupe, her mama and her kids, with all sorts of gifts and outings to places they never before could afford. Lupe acts like she struck gold with el dentista con muchos de dinero, and Dick acts like that dorky all-smiles guy in the ads for male enhancement pills.
Whitney, meanwhile decided to scale down post-divorce.
She traded in her Mercedes SUV for a Prius, a little hybrid car that uses solar power and gas so it's easier on the environment and gets a lot more miles per gallon.
Dick, who is still trying to project an environmentally responsible image, decided to trade in his Infinity gas guzzling SUV on a Prius, too.
So he tells Whitney, "Hey I am getting a Prius, too!"
Whitney replied, "Good for you."
But Dick, whose Mister Environmentalist image is basically just a front for a materialistic little showoff, told Whitney, "Yeah, but I'm getting the leather seats in mine."
Whitney, chuckling to herself that Dick wants fancy animal hides in his hybrid car so his can be better than hers, said, "Do they even make Prius's with leather seats?"
Dick answered, "No, they're aftermarket add-ons, can you believe that?"
Whitney answered, "Nope. Hard to believe, Dick."

I just hope for Dick's sake that Lupe knows how cool a Prius is, so she can still think she hooked up with SeƱor Dinero.
I suspect she was hoping he'd get a big, red Cadillac Escalade with those fancy wheels that spin at red lights.

And Whitney's little cloth seated Prius is still cooler than his fancier one, because she's in it... and he's not.


The Educated Eclectic said...

And the fundies are trying to protect...this?

JimBob said...

I have an idea...Let's sneak a rainbow sticker on the back of Dick's Prius and see how much action Lupe wants to give him when she sees it.

Mileah said...

Karen, did you see the announced the new Survivor cast and it includes former Dallas Cowboy Gary Hogeboom?

Karen Zipdrive said...

Dick is afraid of gay men and Lupe would probably think the sticker was just decorative, without social significance.

Mileah, I heard about it but I don't know enough about football to have heard of Gary Hogeboom.
I just go to Superbowl parties for the eats.

Holly in Cincinnati said...

I had to tip one of my heterosexual African-American friends that the 2nd-hand rainbow t-shirt she was wearing was a gay pride symbol.

Holly in Cincinnati said...

Mazel Tov Whitney!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Confidential to Whitney:
That sweater I gave you with the rainbow striped triangles on it isn't a gay thing- it's a Native American logo for The Apache Reservation's Rainbow Sweat Lodge and Gift Shop.

CLD said...

Tell A__ she's a peach. :)