Saturday, August 20, 2005

When Did This Happen?

I see Bush is now calling his little scorched patch of brush and cacti near Waco, "The Prairie Chapel Ranch."
Okay, okay, there are places around there called Prairie Chapel Road and so on, but hearing his acreage called The Prairie Chapel Ranch is new to me.
I think someone like Karen Hughes, or as I call her, Rove with udders, came up with the name because it sounds cowboyish and holy at the same time...two things Bush's image certainly needs help with.

They should call it something more apropos.
Like the Lazy W Ranch.
Or El Rancho Pendejo.
Or The King Fahd Ranch.
Or The Lazy AWOL Ranch
Or The Smirking Chimp Ranch.
Or The Silver Spoon Ranch.

The land that surrounds Bush's ranch was all farm land before he bought in.
Now that he's there, his land is called a ranch.
Ranches have cattle and horses, and farms grow stuff.
Well, usually that's how it goes, but when Bush bought the acreage in 1999, it had been a pig farm. Not a pig ranch, a pig farm.
In Texas, pig farms are not considered the creme de la creme of agriculture.
President Lyndon Johnson, who actually was a Texan, had a hell of a ranch. He had longhorn cattle and deer and ranchy looking stuff on his ranch. Maybe a few wild javelina around, but no damn, stinky, oinking pigs.
You always see Bush on news clips at his pig farm with a chainsaw, cutting what looks like the same mesquite branch year after year. Or clearing brush.
Real ranchers in Texas don't do that shit- they have wetbacks who do that for them.
Bush doesn't have horses or cattle on his ranch.
He doesn't even ride horses. He rides a bike and drives a big shiny Suburban on his ranch. Not a pickup truck, a Suburban, like he's some goofy soccer mom.
Real Texas ranchers don't ride bikes on their ranches. That's just some east coast sissy shit, unless you're Lance Armstrong, and he doesn't ride a nubby tire mountain bike over brushy, rocky terrain or pretend to be a jock.
The media never shows anything happening on Bush's pig farm. Just Bush with the chainsaw or Bush clearing brush with his little sickle.
I once owned three acres of undeveloped land in the Texas Hill Country.
Once or twice, I went out with some friends and cleared a little brush for a party I was throwing, but it almost broke my back, ruined my hands and it all grew back in about three days.
Clearing brush is the land equivalent of writing love letters in the sand at the beach. It's strictly symbolic unless you go in with a huge backhoe or something and dig it up and haul it off.
Bush is not a rancher, he's not even a Texan.
He was born in Connecticut of blueblood Yankee parents and he went to school at snooty blueblood prep schools in New England.
Then on to Harvard and Yale, where he was a cheerleader.
A cheerleader? Were the ballet classes full?
He learned to talk like a Texan when his daddy moved the family to Texas to get into the oil grabbing business. When Bubble Boy got into the oil business to be like his daddy, he and his wife lived in Midland, which is the left armpit of Texas. He wasn't successful at it, but the Saudis helped bail him out once his daddy became the president.
You know, the Saudis don't have much oil in their neck of the woods, so they invested in Dubya's Texas oil business and kept investing until his second company went belly up.
Once Bush sold his oil company shares after being warned not to, his daddy pulled some strings and Dubya used his millions in profits and bought into the Texas Rangers major league baseball team.
As the Rangers' managing general partner, Bush traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs just before Sosa became one of the greatest home run hitters in history. That trade ranks number four in baseball history's stupidest trades, ever. I looked it up.
Dubya's dream job had always been to become the MLB commissioner, but they MLB people knew he was too stupid to handle such an important job, so they passed him over.
He was so shamed by his idiotic move, he sold his share of the Rangers for more than $14 million, then he used a million or so of it and bought the pig farm.
Clearing brush and sawing on that same mesquite branch month after month must have started to bore him, so Karl Rove helped him become governor of Texas, where his first act was to enable Texans to carry concealed handguns.
He also led the nation in okaying more executions than any governor in history. He loved that part. He executed women, retarded people, midgets, and especially black people or anyone with a Z in their surname (Gonzalez, Hernandez, Zuniga, Gomez, etc.).
I can't remember much else he did as governor, but Rove somehow masterminded a second term for him.
Then Rove cheated and lied and cajoled him into the White House, which he avoids as much as possible, traveling to his pig ranch more than 50 times in the last five years, thus setting a record for presidential vacations.
I guess he missed his mesquite branch, his chainsaw and his little gardening tools. He's almost done sawing off the first 14 inches of that branch, so he's a man who likes to finish what he starts, I guess.
But it is an old pig farm, not a ranch. Calling it a ranch does not make it so.
And it's got no chapel on it, or we'd have heard about it.
And even if it did have a chapel on it, Bush doesn't attend that or any other church. He says it would disrupt the services if he attended church, no matter when, no matter where.
The moral of the story is:
There is no moral.
Nothing about this guy is moral or genuine, and anyone who falls for his bullshit fa├žade is a sucker.


Holly in Cincinnati said...

Excellent! Ms. J has posted a trackback from Julien's List

Julie said...

Karen, I love this site and visit often. Today's article is great.

You can never say too many bad things about Bush.

I sort of like the name "The Commander in Thief Hog Farm," myself.


The Educated Eclectic said...

Love that, Julie!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Attention: Jeff Ambrous, DVM of Carmel, Indiana.
I have asked you to stop posting to my Blog.
You don't have a Blog, but you do have an office and a home. How about if I start commenting at those places?
I believe the term is cease and desist.

dusty said...

El Rancho Pendejo...I FREAKING LOVE IT..good read as usual Ms. Zipdrive :)

Karen Zipdrive said...

For those non-Spanish speakers, a pendejo (pen DAY ho) is a word that doesn't precisely translate into English.
It more or less means a stupid asshole who hasn't got the sense to realize what a dweeb he is.

Karen Zipdrive said...

addendum from

Pendejo is a vulgar term of abuse in the Spanish language. To call a person a pendejo is essentially to call him stupid, although it also carries implications of willful stubbornness and rank ineptitude. The female equivalent is pendeja; either form can be used as a noun or an adjective. The insult is particularly prevalent in the Spanish spoken in North and Central America, where it is considered moderately to highly offensive. In terms of equivalent cultural impact, it ranges somewhere at the level of the British English "wanker" or the U.S. English "asshole".

The literal meaning of pendejo is "strand of pubic hair". Etymologically it comes from the Latin pectiniculus."

Karen sez:
The name "Bush" is therefore "a family of pendejos."