Sneak Preview, Leaked to me by a Secret White House Snitch
George W. Bush Eulogizes Ronald Reagan
My fellow sad Americans:
Good morners mourning, uhh, good morning mourners:
I, uhh, remember the first time when I saw Roland Reagan. It was on the television and I saw the late president when he wasn't yet a president but instead a great actor. Uhh he was quite a great, great actor.
And in this movie, uhh, the president was cohosted with his not-then wife Nancy, in which she played a chimp called Bonzo, very convincingly in her fur costume. Heh heh, she still likes her furs too, only not around her face, heh, heh.
And it was a funny movie but it had a message which is stay the course.
And the late president stayed the course a lot. He stayed it a real lot.
Even when the doctors told him he was stucken with a disease called Old Timer's disease, he uhh, stayed the course even when he, uhh, he didn't know the course, of course with his wife Nancy to help him stay the course he did not know he was on. And that is how the late president was in life as well, always on course even when the course was not, uhh, coursely.
As president he was a popular person with his hard line on communism and his budget brainliness and in fact he inspired me to be a, uhh, a president too with his movie Meet the Gipper, where he asked all Americans to get one for him, or uhh the Gipper, which is who he was. And I did. Uhh, get one for him.
Today we mourn the loss of President Gipper, uh, Raggae and it reminds me of my younger days.
Back then, my dad and Mr. Raggae were running for an office and I remember telling my old fraternity brothers how, uhh, Raggae and Bush sounded like a Bob Marley album.
Marley was a distinguished African American from Jamaica who was famed for his special music that, uhh, brought all the peoples together. All of them together in peace which was also a big thing with President Raggae.
President Raggae was famous for his words, "Mr. Gorbachow, make this wall come down," which as history tells us caused the great wall of China to collapse and ended communism, which was a bad, bad idea. It was a very bad idea.
And now that communism has been replaced by talibanism, it is within the shadow of my predecessor Mr. Raggae that I too intend to ask Mr. Gorbachow to, uhh, to tear that wall down, too. And like President Raggae, I will prevail and that taliban wall will come down on all of us.
Let me close with the 23rd salmon, which is a famous Bible verse known for funerals.
The Lord is my Sheepherder whom from I shall not want to roam.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures and nap when I feel weariness
He leadeth me beside the still waters and I drink from it deeply
He restoreth my soul and maketh me feel better
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake
and He talketh to me personally and telleth me the Right thing to do
Yea, though I send troops through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil terrorists: For thou art with me and on my side;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thy bombs and missiles, they cover me. Thy six feet of rebarred concrete, they insulate me
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; they eat sand and kibble as I eat brisket and pecan pie
Thou annointest my head with Saudi oil; My personal cup runneth over, as doth my vice president's, my cabinet's and most of my largest campaign contributors.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the White House of the Lord forever. Amen.