Monday, June 14, 2004

They're Reading Glasses

My girlfriend Eclair wears glasses when she reads.
She has a face that looks pretty good in most styles of eyewear, unlike me, who looks like hell in all glasses except for approximately three pair per 10,000.
Because she needs glasses just to see up close, she can buy those cheap ones you see in Walgreen's or Dollar Stores.
Not me, my unlined bifocals with the flexible stems cost about $350 a pair, and I still have to take them off to read because the bifocal reading part is about the size of a toenail clipping.
Because she is absent minded, she loses pair after pair of reading glasses, more than I lose those little white workout socks, with the gray toes and heels.
I put a dozen assorted pairs of reading glasses in her Easter basket, which she deeply appreciated, considering they cost me nearly $13.
She's down to about six pair now, one of which doesn't count because they make her look like she's old and buggy eyed and I can't stand to see them on her.
Eclair is neat and tidy. She puts things away, she sweeps, she dusts, she hangs her clothes and puts her shoes in reasonable places. Her car is spotless and her yard is, too.
What she does not excel in is dishwashing.
She has a dishwasher, but she thinks it wastes too much water and electricity to run.
This weekend as we were plating up dinner, one of the plates she pulled from the cabinet had a swash of something on it that looked like someone wiped a ham and mayo sandwich over it and let it air dry.
Then the knife I pulled from the drawer to slice the chicken was pocked with what looked like dried watermelon fibers.
I said, "Sweetie, do you wear your glasses when you wash dishes?"
She said, "No, they are reading glasses, not dishwashing glasses."
I said, "Some of the ones I put in your Easter basket said they were dishwashing glasses."
She said, "None of the tags said that, you are lying."
I said, "No, I think I recall seeing tags that said 'SPECIFICALLY FOR DISHWASHING.'
She said, "Maybe you should wash all the dishes, since you see so well you can even see things that aren't there."
I said, "I think you may intentionally be doing a crappy job on the dishes either to poison me or so I'll start doing all the dishes all the time."
She said, "Why would I poison you? I have no insurance policy on you."
I said, "Then you are doing this so I'll wash all the dishes all the time."
She said, "Okay."
Then she smiled her big, radiant, toothy smile at me and crinkled her eyes the way she does when she's trying to make me give in.
I told her the cat bowls that didn't get clean enough might end up poisoning her cats.
Now that concerned her.
She sighed and said, "Okay, I will start wearing my glasses to wash dishes."
Later that day, she proceeded to wash another sinkful without wearing her glasses.

I just hope she wears them when she's looking up the number for the ambulance, for that time when I finally succumb to toxic fork syndrome.

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