Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Oh.My.God.



A schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup on another guy.
A schlamozzle is the guy who gets the soup spilled on him.
This Rod Blagojovich character needs a new Yiddish word coined just for him. Schlamielozzle.
From the ridiculous hair to the disgruntled yard gnome-meets leprechaun face, he's just too comical to be a serious criminal.
Except he is a serious criminal.
Trying to auction off President-elect Obama's vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder has to be the low-light of political scumbaggery.
And of course he contacted Obama's people to feel them out for a deal. People like him think everyone has got to be as slimy as him; he views the whole world through his slimy bangs.
And I bet he contacted Rahm Emanuel to broker a deal, and I bet Emanuel was the one who dropped a dime on him.
How do I know?
Because Obama's been extra cool and breezy when questioned about Blogo contacting him or his staff.
DOJ Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald asked that neither Obama nor his staff make any public statements about the investigation until it's completed.
But I think there's a taped conversation between Blogo and Emanuel that Obama's camp can't wait to release, that went something like this:

RB: Hey, Emanuel, I tink ya know why I'm callin ya's, so let's cut to the fuckin' chase, how 'bouddit?
RE: What the fuck do you want, ya fuckin' piece of shit?
RB: Youse know I got somethin' that's fuckin' golden, an' I know youse got someone in mind to fill that vacant seat, ey?
RE: So? I got a lotta people in mind, so what da fuck is yer point, douchebag?
RB: My point is, moron, for da right price I kin arrange it.
RE: Arrange what, you fuckin' cocksucker?
RB: Arrange to pick da right motherfucka to fill da seat, ya fucking Heeb.
RE: Who ya callin' a Heeb, ya fuckin' Serbian, throat slittin' asshole?
RB: Yeah, yeah, whatevah, dipshit. So you wanna deal, er what?
RE: Wait, lemme make sure da wire the FBI set me up wit is hooked up right.
RB: Yeah, big talker, youse go righta head, ha, ha, fuckin' ha.
RE: Okay, it's workin' so what were you sayin' to me, ya fuckin' turd?
RB: Quit yankin' my chain, faggot. For da right price I kin put in any motherfucka ya want in the big O's seat.
RE: Are you talkin' pay for play, asshole?
RB: Fuckin' A, douchebag. It's how it's fuckin' done.
RE: So lemme get dis straight, you are askin' for a fuckin' bribe for you to name da right person to da Senate?
RB: Whoa! Not a bribe, stoopid, just a perk, you know, like an ambassadorship or a no-show union job, or maybe an exec gig for the wife, nuthin' big, just a two-fifty large a year thing, ya know what I mean?
RE: You know you're being taped, right?
RB: Oh blah, blah, blah, like you're fuckin' Alan Funt, funnyman. Yeah right, I'm bein' taped and so are you, right? You're talkin' about offerin' me a bribe and you're on your fuckin' high horse talkin' about tapes, ya motherfuckin'clown?
RE: I didn't offer ya shit, ya fuckin' dirtbag.
RB: Ya fuckin' did too!
RE: Did not!
RB: You don' know who yer fuckin' wit, I kin see dat.
RE: Yeah, and I'm little Lord Fauntelroy, ya fuckin' dick!
RB: Hey, fuck you!
RE: No, fuck you!
>Click<

8 comments:

FranIAm said...

Oh Karen, there are no fuckin words for this one other than brilliant!

Jess Wundrun said...

Brava!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This whole episode makes me like ol' Rahm more and more.

nonnie9999 said...

it always amazes me how you get these secret transcripts, karen. or should i say.....
it always fuckin' amazes me how you fuckin' get these secret fuckin' transcripts, karen.

Distributorcap said...

i can t wait till you get hold of the secret diary of Mrs Blago

dguzman said...

Fuckin' A, fucker.

bigsis said...

Exactly as I thought that conversation would go, perfect Zip!

I was curious to know why Rod goes for the Moe Howard bangs look. On a blustery Chicago day I saw his bangs flutter up a little bit but to my astonishment I saw that his hairline actually starts about 1/8" above his eyebrows!

Next I want to catch him picking something up so I can determine whether his thumbs are opposable. I'm curious to know whether he's a new or old world ape.

Little Merry Sunshine said...

Are you sure you don't live in Illinois? That's EXACTLY how we talk - accent and profanities and all - and I'm sure that's exactly how the conversation went. Brilliant.