I posted this to the Funny Girl Network last year, but I liked it and thought I'd recycle it. A few were taken from New York Magazine, but I wrote the rest.

New Drugs on the Market

Oil of Olé- makes your skin feel like smooth, Spanish leather
Akinacea- treats symptoms similar to the common cold
Tyoneon- great hangover relief
Ex-relax- helps you attend parties when you know your ex will be there
Been-Gay- ointment for rectal irritation
Noagra- treats partners who want it when you don't
Ultrabrie toothpaste- for smiles that say "cheese"
Milk of Amnesia- for treatment of ...uhhh...
Vibraprofen- eases soreness from excessive self-gratification
ExLuxe- for gastric upset involving your ex inheriting millions
Helium Peroxide- when you want to be REALLY blonde
Bear Aspirin- for New Englanders who find grizzlies eating their backyard petunias
Pepto-Biscuit- for treating gastric relief from eating in Southern diners
Absorbing Junior- for avoiding unwanted pregnancy
Tyroneze- for relief from getting bitch slapped
Condominiums- reusable prophylactics for multiple partners
Kinko Biloba-treatment for those who keep forgetting to get copies made
Nitrogena- treats skin and heart conditions
St. John's Work- for people depressed due to excess laziness
Suedafed- for relief from discrimination toward civil service employees
Exstacy- cures depression from being dumped
Vicodun- relieves stress from constant bill collectors
Oh, Sure- deodorant for skeptics
Flax- for public relations fresh breath
Valuem- tranquilizers that help to appreciate one's relatives
Rollsaids- stomach relief for those with expensive cars in the shop
Oxymoron- for treating the same old zits, day in and day out
Beenadrill- pain relief after dental treatment
Vicodum- eases the pain of dealing with morons all day
Zanadu- anti depressant for people who just don't care
Nicosquirm- suppositories for nervous ex-smokers
Zybang- for ex smokers who like to calm their nicotine cravings with sex
Zybong- for ex smokers who like to substitute pot for tobacco
Thoroughzine- knocks out psychotics quick
Zanadouche- tranquilizers that make women feel springtime fresh
Ivory soup- for those who like to be clean- inside and out
Preparation Heche- eases the stress of excess insanity
Compound WWF- for wrestler's aches and pains
Phenobarbiedoll- for easing the stress of not having a tiny waist
Nozee- a placebo labeled "Sorry, nothing in this medicine cabinet that will incriminate me. Now get back to the party."