Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dancing With the Has-Beens and the Who-Are-They's

In spite of the absolutely tedious cast of dancing "stars" this season, I remain hopelessly addicted to the show.
Let's go over the cast, shall we?
Adam Corolla: He dances like a clown with leg braces. And his crouton teeth look like he'd have really bad breath. He won't last long.
Christian de la Fuente: I don't know this Ricky Ricardo and I don't care who he is back in Chile.
Shannon Elizabeth: Another D-list siliconed no-last-name-havin' starlet whose dancing is as bland as rice crackers. Zzzz. She's got no chance.
Steve Guttenberg: Gosh, I used to kind of like him but it turns out he's a total suck-up with the judges, he uses too many goofy facial expressions when he dances and he has no dancing ability whatsoever. Buh Bye, Steve.
Penn Jillette: Oh my God. Remember when Peter Boyle played Frankenstein in the Mel Brooks movie and danced to "Puttin' on the Ritz"? Say no more.
Monica Seles: Egads. Picture Celene Dion's face with Lisa Lampanelli's nose and a scarecrow's body. She may be a tennis champ but she's a dancing ironing board- quite possibly the worst female ever on DWtS. EVER!(see photo)
Jason Taylor: He's apparently a football player, but the man can dance, plus he's gorgeous. I hereby relinquish my objection to dancing nobodies on this show. He's got a real shot at the title.
Priscilla Presley: Poor thing. She just proves that a woman can be a gazillionaire and still choose the wrong plastic surgeon. Her face is so Botoxed and lifted and stretched and lip-plumped, I keep looking for the candle wick atop her head. She's not a bad dancer- especially for a woman over 60- but that frozen face is so distracting I can't wait till she's off the show.
Marissa Jaret Winokur: Turns out fat girls can dance, and I applaud her ability not to be sweating like crazy afterwards. She's what they call "bubbly," a term used for stumpy, chubby girls who compensate for their bodies with eternal perkiness. She's good, but not good enough to win.
Mario:There should be a law that prohibits showbiz people I've never heard of from using just their first name. Anyway, Mario is a very young hip hop singer (I guess) and he's a helluva dancer. He's a real contender.
Marlee Matlin:After seeing her convincingly hump Jennifer Beales in "The L Word," I can appreciate her acting range. However, I had serious doubts about a stone-deaf woman having the ability to overcome her disability well enough to be a good dancer. But I was wrong. She is a great dancer. Mazel tov!
Kristie Yamaguchi: I was never a big fan of this Olympic skater, but she's an almost-perfect dancer. She's definitely the one to watch this season and she could end up winning the male-dominated title.

Please tell me you are watching this season- then tell me your pick to win.


dguzman said...

Dude, I can't believe you brought up another woman besides ME having sex with Jennifer Beals. That hurts.

bigsis said...

Which one of these is a "Star"? The dance instructors are bigger stars than the pathetic D-listers.

I don't watch this season because I don't like constantly cringing, averting my eyes, and pitying all of them the whole time. Its painful to watch.

Distributorcap said...


i read somewhere that priscilla is suing her plastic surgeon --- or was it on TMZ.

you mean elvis didnt teach her to jailhouse rock

karenzipdrive said...

Penn Jillette and Monica Seles were booted off the show last night.
No shock there.

CLD said...

We're going with Kristie Yamaguchi winning. She's awesome.

bigsis said...

Good, so the creepy factor has diminished. That leaves the pitiful and unknown, so maybe I can watch it now.

karenzipdrive said...

I hope so. :P

Dusty said...

I love this stupid show. My fav line from your post:

I keep looking for the candle wick atop her head

Poor Prissy. She does look scary as shit.

I think Mario or Jason..not sure which yet..and as for the females..The ice skater and Marlee are pretty good..but The skater will be the best female.

karenzipdrive said...

Priscilla may look like a wax candle but she nailed the tango tonight. And I think the old cougar may be shtupping her dance partner.