My New Year's Resolutions

1. I resolve to lose 2 to 4 pounds this year. (May as well keep expectations reasonable)
2. I resolve to have more sex and "talk about my feelings" less.
3. I resolve to not think about smoking one way or another.
4. I resolve to always cuss slightly less than whomever I am with, so I can maintain an air of moral superiority.
5. I resolve to never say, "I think the President is handling things very well."
6. I resolve to invent a borderline personality disorder detector one can wear on a belt or key ring.
7. I resolve to fall in love with the perfect woman this year.
8. I resolve to avoid any close contact with Geminis this year.
9. I resolve to stop ending so many sentences with "ey?"
10. I resolve to get my oil changed soon.
11. I resolve to put lotion on my elbows more often.
12. I resolve to go on at least one cool vacation with a fairly sane person.
13. I resolve to avoid creepy people who suck me emotionally dry this year.
14. I resolve to be as happy as I can, as often as I can.
15. I resolve to make $20,000 more than I did last year.