Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Survivor 9 and the New Cast Members

The Vanuatu island chain in the South Pacific has been home to volcanoes, poisonous insects and tribal groups who practiced cannibalism and black magic -- in other words, it's an ideal locale for a season of backstabbing and physical challenges on ''Survivor.''

On Tuesday, CBS announced the cast of the reality show's ninth season, officially called ''Survivor: Vanuatu -- Islands of Fire.'' This season, there are 18 castaways instead of the usual 16.
They'll be divided by sex, women in the Yasur tribe, men in the Lopevi tribe.
The players range in age from 21 to 59 and include a sheep farmer, a mechanical bull operator, two highway construction workers, a coffee barista, an FBI agent, a drill sergeant and an amputee.
My snippy comments are in red.

The Yasur tribe members are:
Julie Berry, 23, a youth mentor from Gorham, Maine Youth mentor? At 23, she needs a mentor.
Ami Cusack, 31, a barista and model from Lakewood, Colo. Barista? Is that a lawyer with an accent? Nah, it's a coffee roaster. That, and a model? Wow, what crosstraining!
Mia Galeotalanza, 30, a finance manager from Tom’s River, N.J. Token Jersey Italian broad?
Lisa Keiffer, 44, a real estate agent from New Orleans Swampland for sale?
Scout Cloud Lee, 59, a rancher and entrepreneur from Stillwater, Okla. Hey, Butch.
Dolly Neely, 25, a sheep farmer from Mercer, Pa. Wasn't that cloned sheep named Dolly?
Eliza Orlins, 21, a pre-law student from Syracuse, N.Y. Pre-law? Let's argue, shall we?
Leann Slaby, 35, a research assistant from Kansasville, Wis. Token nerd?
Twila Tanner, 41, a highway repair worker from Marshall, Mo. Hey, Butch!

The Lopevi tribe consists of:
Chad Crittenden, 35, a teacher from Oakland, Calif. (He's the amputee.) Wonder what part is gone?
Chris Daugherty, 33, a highway construction worker from South Vienna, Ohio Rob Mariano II?
Brady Finta, 33, an FBI agent from Huntington Beach, Calif. With a name like Brady Finta, I'll bet he's still got kick marks on his ass from grade school. Shouldn't he be at home working to protect us from terrorists?
Rory Freeman, 35, a housing case manager from Des Moines, Iowa Sensitive type?
Brook Geraghty, 27, a project manager from Boston Token yuppie?
John Kenney, 22, a mechanical bull operator and model from Los Angeles Why do people who do menial jobs have to also call themselves models?
Lea ''Sarge'' Masters, 40, a drill sergeant from Columbia, S.C. Hey Sarge, did you get so tough to compensate for having a girl's name?
John Palyok, 31, a Home Depot sales manager from Los Angeles He won't be of any help, ya never can find help at Home Depot.
Travis ''Bubba'' Sampson, 33, a loss prevention worker from Johnson City, Tenn. "Bubba" is Greek for "redneck asshole."

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